Not comfortable with the atmosphere of one's self?

[Dimensional Transition]

The last few weeks I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable with the vibe I feel like I'm spreading. It's hard to explain, but it feels like the person I am when socializing is so different from how I really am, when I am alone, that people think I'm somebody completely different from who I really am. The way I construct my sentences, my laugh, my voice, my stance, my observations... They are things that are a part of me, sure, but they feel like they're part of my sinister, annoying side... I feel like to others I'm some sort of hyperactive weird, mean and misunderstanding guy, while on the inside I feel like a depressed sensitive person.
What the hell is this? I'm not trying to put on a mask, but it does seem to happen automatically somewhat. It's highly uncomfortable.

For example, I just say really mean things to people sometimes. I just say things about how they look or something that I had noticed, but I only later realize that it was probably a bad thing to say. Like "You never look like you had a good rest." or "You're boring, do you have something interesting to say today?"
I am being honest I guess, but I wouldn't appreciate it either if people were like this to me neither... Perhaps it's just time for a good holiday again?

 

[Glordag]

Yeah, I definitely feel the same way. I think this is partly what has contributed to my wanting to have more solitude lately. I need time to gather myself, I think. I blame the disconnect between my external and internal self on losing touch with myself somehow. *shrug* It's definitely frustrating, though.

 

[The Gopher]

I'm the opposite people actually think I am a nice guy or that I am mature, as if.... then again I get lot's of time alone. So does that mean that if we don't get time alone we become annoying and if we get time alone we become "nice"

 

[EFM]

This happens to me when I socialize less... It feels like when I only have to express myself to myself[...] I lose the ability to express myself (in a civil manner) to others. I guess its just a symptom of being out of "practice."

 

[The Gopher]

This happens to me when I socialize less... It feels like when I only have to express myself to myself[...] I lose the ability to express myself (in a civil manner) to others. I guess its just a symptom of being out of "practice."

Well that shot my theory out of the water.

 

[EFM]

Well that shot my theory out of the water.

Thats just me... I don' think my mind and social habits should be used as a "norm"

 

[The Gopher]

That's just me... I don't think my mind and social habits should be used as a "norm"

Yeah I know that better than anyone, but we all aren't exactly norm. However the theory works for two at least I wonder if anyone else feels that way?

 

[EFM]

Yeah I know that better than anyone, but we all aren't exactly norm. However the theory works for two at least I wonder if anyone else feels that way?

Or it could just be that time to think reveals one's inner self... and you're just self-effacing?

 

[warryer]

That's the ol' fear of the unknown for you.

Caging up your true self where the cold world can't get in. For me it's rejection. It hits me hard when relationships come to an end. So I retreat into my nice little bubble where I can be in control.

You just gotta stop lying to yourself. You don't like where you are? Do something about it. Of course that means stepping out into the cold world.

No time like the present.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Hmmmmm...
After reading all of your posts, I'm still not really sure what it is.
Possibly the fear of the unknown, but more likely fear of being seen as a pussy madman. Occasionally I let some theory or doubt slip out of my mouth, and then I just get such weird looks. It makes me really, really, uncomfortable.

It seems like nobody really enjoys my knowledge of psychoactive drugs either, whenever I begin talking about cannabinoids and the way caffeine works on the brain, I just get this 'shut the fuck up' look.

 

[WittyUsername]

It seems like nobody really enjoys my knowledge of psychoactive drugs either, whenever I begin talking about cannabinoids and the way caffeine works on the brain, I just get this 'shut the fuck up' look.

Happens to me too. I believe that I'm unable to sense when people will be fine with my philosophical and knowledgable self or my crazy, totally 'not give a fuck' self. Most of the times I have no idea when to stop making jokes which has led to quite a few awkward situations. When people expect me to be funny, then I cant do it. It just kills the whole thing and I go back in my shell .

 

[cheese]

Man this makes me wonder how many times I've given a Look to someone who's making too many jokes/killing the mood/driving people away, etc, without knowing they were actually sensitive clowns on the inside with painted smiles and all that jazz. When people appear socially inept I think most people tend to assume they've lost their right to be treated nicely or with respect, and they also assume their nastiness won't be received correctly anyway since they're apparently unable to read social cues. I think a lot of damage has been done as a result, to those whose presentation of what's inside is twisted in the space between self and world.

I recognise your experience Dime, I've had it a few different ways. Failure to mould, I guess. Most people tone themselves up or done a little according to the mood and style of the group. There's a natural adjustment in how they present and what sorts of things they talk about to maintain group harmony. You're not managing to adjust properly, because they're not receiving you well. If they responded positively would you feel better, perhaps? Because their assumption wouldn't be that you're a mean, insensitive jerk; they'd understand that this is simply a different side of you and it wouldn't preclude your softer areas. But by receiving you negatively, they've passed judgment on you and mentally decided you're insensitive/whatever, which then confines your interactions with them to that box they have for you in their heads. Which means you won't ever be able to connect with what's really inside. Hmm.

 

[Melkor]

The last few weeks I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable with the vibe I feel like I'm spreading. It's hard to explain, but it feels like the person I am when socializing is so different from how I really am, when I am alone, that people think I'm somebody completely different from who I really am. The way I construct my sentences, my laugh, my voice, my stance, my observations... They are things that are a part of me, sure, but they feel like they're part of my sinister, annoying side... I feel like to others I'm some sort of hyperactive weird, mean and misunderstanding guy, while on the inside I feel like a depressed sensitive person.
What the hell is this? I'm not trying to put on a mask, but it does seem to happen automatically somewhat. It's highly uncomfortable.

Yes, I get this vibe... As if, when you communicate with people, your lack of social standing and strength means that you almost have to project a false self. One of confidence, plain merriment and dry wit.

For me, it's playing the clown. I find it difficult, so I constantly throw jokes out there, mock and satirise, because I just can't get down to that basic, bare boned, one on one communication. I become talkative,
I often make mean jokes and say cruel things jokingly to get a laugh, though people tend to take this seriously...

Reminds me of when I suffered the delights of a creepy stalker, a scene which bothered me greatly...When I tried to explain it to my colleagues, rather than being serious about it, I laughed and mocked myself and the situation.
I was worried, and felt a bit sick with fear, but I just couldn't express that...

Afterwords I always feel as heavy as a brick and extremely tired out by the effort, normally this leads to some form of depression.

Oh, and of course it doesn't actually help my social standing, it just makes people think I'm a little crazy... x-x

I am being honest I guess, but I wouldn't appreciate it either if people were like this to me neither... Perhaps it's just time for a good holiday again?

A very long holiday, one from you which you don't suspect you'll return.
IN FACT, you plan not to!

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Haha, well it's great to read I'm not the only one experiencing this.
We should now just find some sort of way to reverse this weird mask.

I've been trying to improve today, watching it certainly did help, but I just still throw up this big shield of coldness. And yeah, like Melkor said, my intentions are so good, but a lot of people just seem to take the mean jokes seriously too often, too. I don't want to be insulting or mean or cold, but I just can't stop it. It has become an automatism over the years.

@Cheese: Failure to mould I hope not, it should be still possible to mould back to a nicer person, right?
I definitely do become serious and helpful when people come to me with introspective/psychological problems, though. And I CAN make their day a little better with such talks. So I don't think everybody truly thinks I'm an asshole, but if I feel like one myself, it's still not good, eh? Time for a change.

@WittyUsername: Yes, the inability to know when to be which side of yourself is killing.

Gosh I'm so glad I started this thread.

 

[Sosekopp]

I can identify with what has been said in this thread. Except that because of my social phobia, my weird mask is also a little shy and introverted. I also sometimes say mean/socially inappropriate things, and that has cost me potential friendships. It's only when I'm alone or with the few friends I have (and to a lesser extent, parts my family), that I am comfortable with myself and the vibe that I'm spreading.

 

[Chasm]

I've had similar experiences. When I look back at times when I actually seem to have enjoyed socializing with people to some extent, I conclude that I was being somewhat irritating actually - which I'm normally not at all, or at least try not to be. Same happens sometimes when I'm drunk, but that's an exception because, well, you're drunk.

But as I said, this seems to happen only when I let go in a social situation, and I think I appear irritating largely because of the amount and style of humor I use. After all, I like to make fun of almost anything when I get in that mood. I suppose humor is some sort of a defence mechanism for me

When I'm my normal, reserved self in a social situation, I sometimes feel like people hardly even notice me unless I talk directly to them. Most of the time, I like to keep it that way too. Although when it's a subject I can offer information about, I of course do, which brings us to..

It seems like nobody really enjoys my knowledge of psychoactive drugs either, whenever I begin talking about cannabinoids and the way caffeine works on the brain, I just get this 'shut the fuck up' look.

I identify with this, I get funny looks and sometimes even comments like "here comes the drug knowledge again.." - Yeah well, not my problem if you can't deal with socially stigmatized subjects. I do however keep it nice and short most of the time so no-one gets too angry.

Occasionally I let some theory or doubt slip out of my mouth, and then I just get such weird looks.

Happens to me sometimes too, though most of the time I'm not even being very serious about the subject, but for some reason people often seem to fail at properly registering this, and I'm reminded again that most of people apparently really don't think about things like the possibility of explaining French behavioral trends partly by the prevalence of toxoplasmosis in France. Who would've guessed

 

[Zionoxis]

and the way caffeine works on the braink.

You're going to have to share that with me sometime. I am a massive caffeine addict and it would most likely be beneficial to know at least what I'm doing.

I know where you are coming from though. I act like an energetic, immature, retarded idiot to most, but whenever something comes along requiring thought, I am the first to solve it in the most complex manner. I guess don't know how to be 'me'. By myself, I have time to think, collect myself, and to be laid back. I guess I'm not all that great with people, oh wait, I never have been good at that. :/