My ISFJ Mother Will Be the Death of Me...

[TriflinThomas]

Ok, not really... but she gets on my nerves. She seems to think that the way she lives her life is the way I should live my life, and pretty much all our problems stem from that. The Si/Fe combo makes for a very controlling household, and is the oil to my water (Ti/Ne). I can't seem to get it through to her that it is not ok to force people to live their lives the way she wants them to, so I've taken to ignoring/avoiding her unless I absolutely have to talk to her. It seems that she's learning her lesson (for the umpteenth time). Any advice for dealing with ISFJs?

 

[intpz]

Okay.

 

[Architect]

Oh my, condolences.

Avoidance is all I ever found works. Either that or humor, which is another form of avoidance.

 

[Jennywocky]

depends on the ISFJ. If you can manage to see where they're coming from, you can do what you can to grease those wheels while meanwhile knowing where you have flex. They're actually amenable if you can figure out what they value.

Still, the Si base definitely is about following/valuing preestablished patterns and finding value in the past.

 

[PhoenixRising]

Sounds like the relationship I have with my mother. She's an ENFP, but the F is probably her most apparent trait. It's best to ignore people like that as much as possible when they talk about how they want you to behave. With my mother, whenever she brings up that I should be "married to a rich Jewish man" I just tell her I don't believe in marriage and I'll be with whoever I please. She'll keep complaining, but I just ignore her and eventually she changes the subject. When I lived with her, she drove me nearly to insanity. Now that I live on my own and visit her once a week, our relationship is much better. I don't know how old you are, but if you live with your mother and can move out, do so asap.

 

[TriflinThomas]

I'm 18, and I'm working on it. Living anywhere in SoCal is pretty expensive, so I'm stuck here until I get a job, or I go to SFSU (in approx 3 years).

 

[pjoa09]

"I don't want you but I need you, I hate you and I love you at the very same time"

Bittersweet? Anyone?

 

[Jennywocky]

My mom wasn't that direct.

If I disappointed her unspoken (but sometimes palpable) expectations, she would pretend to be fine, excuse herself, and then go sob in the privacy of her bedroom... although I could still hear her through the walls.

 

[Vidi]

Oh my, condolences.

Avoidance is all I ever found works. Either that or humor, which is another form of avoidance.

In, case of XSFJ's no humor escapes confines of my mind in their presence. I have an experience of it exploding into my face quite unexpectedly. Non-committal attitude and avoidance is the best.

 

[skip]

It's hard to have sympathy for you when you're choosing to live there.

 

[Intellect]

It's hard to have sympathy for you when you're choosing to live there.

He's 18 and it doesn't seem like he has many other options right now...

My mother is also an ISFJ, actually. We rarely have any conflicts and, while she can be controlling, she's very aware of it and keeps that side in check.

 

[Vidi]

My mom wasn't that direct.

If I disappointed her unspoken (but sometimes palpable) expectations, she would pretend to be fine, excuse herself, and then go sob in the privacy of her bedroom... although I could still hear her through the walls.

another type of manipulation

 

[Fukyo]

It's hard to have sympathy for you when you're choosing to live there.

I guess you're just not a very sympathetic person then.

Crucial point here - not all options are good. I could tell him to go live on the street, it's an option and it gets him away from his mother, but is this a favorable option for him? No.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Try ESFJ.

 

[IdeasNotTheProblem]

Sounds just like what I went through with my mother. In fact, it's similar to what every young man goes through with their mother. You naturally want your independence, and she naturally doesn't want that to happen. The INTP nature is fiercely independent. Contrast this with every mother's nature to nurture and protect creates a major issue. If emotions get too worked up, temporary avoidance may be best. You don't want to do or say anything you may regret. Ultimately, a level of communication and mutual understanding has to be reached. If that seems impossible to do on your own, I suggest getting help from a professional counselor or someone you trust to act as an unbiased mediator. Good luck!

 

[ℜεмїηїs¢εη¢ε]

I've got an INFJ and she's just like that.

 

[Introspective]

My mother's an ISFJ as well. Just don't talk at all when she rants. She'll think she's right and pipe down.

 

[TriflinThomas]

My mother's an ISFJ as well. Just don't talk at all when she rants. She'll think she's right and pipe down.

Yeah, but I get tired of listening to her (throwing arguments at me and then refusing to back them up).

 

[ℜεмїηїs¢εη¢ε]

Yeah, but I get tired of listening to her (throwing arguments at me and then refusing to back them up).

IKR.

 

[Teohrn]

My mother is an ISTJ, and I can relate to your situation. Everything I did was extremely flawed. I had my ways of doing things, always with great success, and my mother would still bicker at me for not doing it in the "ordinary" way.

I just avoided my mother as much as I possibly could. If contact with her was inevitable, I simply kept it succinct, cold and utterly agreeable. The latter meant that I would sporadically have outbursts.