Mother issues

[Reverse Transcriptase]

I would suggest you also try to discover how he interacts with his mother. This will give you a strong indication of how he's learned to treat women, especially ones who are close to him. I know from personal experience that the friction and unresolved issues between my mother and I will occasionally resurface, directed at my wife.

That's weird... for a long time I had a bad relationship with my mom. I had heard the saying "the way he treats his mother is the way he will treat his girlfriend" but I FIRMLY disagreed with it. It should have no reason to come up unless I date someone the same type as my mom, and I don't plan to!

My mom and I have a good relationship now, and while I had a bad one with her I wasn't dating, so I guess I won't know if problems with my mom will come out against my S.O.

I have one more story that wasn't relevant in that thread, but is interesting.

My INFP sweetheart (we'll call her Kaereste) and I were coming back from a walk and her parents (mom: ESTJ, dad: INTP?) were waiting to give Kaereste a lecture. But before her mom got started her dad got up and left the room.

He was frustrated, and said to Kaereste: "Your mother needs to have a talk with you, but I'm going to let her do that on her own because I've just had a very frustrating talking with my mom, who's very similar to you."

Then I got to listen to a lecture about the importance of schoolwork, the badness of late-night phonecalls, etc. Kaereste has skipped school from time to time, so her mom said to me "And I know your winter break goes longer- but you can't take Kaereste out of school to hang out during the day." I was offended to hear that (I've been an anti-skipping-school lobby to Kaereste, but I decided not to make an issue about it. Fuck SJs!

But I was talking to Kaereste later, and apparently she suspects that both her grandmothers are INFPs; she takes after them both. It's really interesting to see those kinds of mother issues being taken out on a daughter! Especially from a purported INTP.

 

[FusionKnight]

My mother is an extreme F, so while I was living at home during high school, we were in a constant state of World War 3. We never actually harbored any ill wishes for the other, and we love each other, but we found each others' buttons and pushed them constantly. Her irrationality and incoherent (to me) though processes drove me absolutely crazy (especially coming from an authority figure) and my rationality, and strict adherence to concrete thought process made her feel bullied. It was a mess, and it was a huge boon to our relationship when I went to college and moved out.

I brought this up in the other thread because I find myself reacting to my wife's feminine ISTJ (which can feel an awful lot like ISFJ sometimes) in an instinctive manner that was conditioned into me because of my relationship with my mother. It's something I can change, but it takes real intentional work to do so.

 

[Ermine]

Same thing happens with my mom. She's an emotional ISTJ, and we are constantly fighting over nothing. Her thought processes and the way she assumes she knows what I'm thinking drive me nuts. She's always on my case because I don't clean my room often enough (I clean it every week), I'm not sensitive enough, I'm not social enough, I don't respect her authority enough, and I don't do this and I don't do that.

She is always getting on my case for something. Nearly everything she says to me is is "did you do this?" "what are you doing" "what's your plan?" "did you get this done?" I'm sick of being interrogated.

 

[saffyangelis]

My mum's an ESFJ, as is one of my sisters, so they argue constantly, and I get left to myself all the time.

 

[shalom]

I'm under an ISTJ and ESFJ.... It's beyond difficult for me. They hold their authority over me like they think they're the government or something. They don't understand me at all but constantly act and speak as if they know me "better than I know myself." I love them and I know that they love me, but I also know we'll get along better once I'm out of the house.

 

[Reverse Transcriptase]

shalom, how old are you?

 

[NoID10ts]

I'm under an ISTJ and ESFJ.... It's beyond difficult for me. They hold their authority over me like they think they're the government or something. They don't understand me at all but constantly act and speak as if they know me "better than I know myself." I love them and I know that they love me, but I also know we'll get along better once I'm out of the house.

That's the exact same way I grew up! My mom is the ISTJ and my step-dad is the ESFJ. I'd like to say it got better after I moved out, got married, had three kids, and my very own career: but it didn't.

 

[saffyangelis]

It's the other way around in my house, my dad's the ISTJ, and my mum's ESFJ, and my two sisters are another ESFJ (the older one), and an ENFP (the younger one).

 

[Kidege]

Yes, I have mother issues, I've mentioned it before. My mother's a rational (ENTJ is my guess). They're great, they're terrific, as long as you develop tolerance for the endless talk and the unquestionable authority.

 

[shalom]

I'm sixteen.

It was interesting to read your guys' responses, I didn't realize others had lived under an ISTJ and ESFJ. So how did you guys survive without losing it?

 

[saffyangelis]

Easy. I tell them whatever they want to hear. Then, I dodge around their guidelines, and do whatever I want to, but as long as they don't notice, it's fine. They think i'm the good one. =P

 

[JoeJoe]

She is always getting on my case for something. Nearly everything she says to me is is "did you do this?" "what are you doing" "what's your plan?" "did you get this done?" I'm sick of being interrogated.

Hm, my ENFJ mother seems to be very similar, but maybe not as bad as your's. I usually get along well with my mother, but sometimes (I think usually when she is disappointed about me or nerved) we get into really bad fights. I posted a nice example on thisthread. My parents divorced about 4 years ago or so, but my INTJ father lives near. He's wonderful at negotiating between me and my mom. Luckily my parents' relationship is not a WWIII.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Me: INTP
My wife: INFP

My father: ISFJ
My mother: ENFP

Her father: INTP
Her mother: ESTJ

That's a pretty broad spectrum. My wife used to test as an ENFP, but she's an INFP. Nevertheless, anyone notice the rather Greek influence? My wife and mother are roughly the same type (and tested that way). My wife's husband and father are the same type.

It's funny though, because my wife and mother don't really get along too well and are very different. Similarly, I and my father-in-law are very different and only got along in a rather surface way.

My mother's rather non-rational way of experiencing life was disconcerting for me growing up. I had trouble relating to her. My father was a complete authoritarian and it was only by adapting to survive within the confines of his rule that I managed to live through adolescence. (And I bear the scars of testing almost as an S and almost as a J.)

My wife's mother and father forced her into extroversion. That, combined with other dysfunctions, really did some rotten things to my wife when she was younger.

In part for those reasons, and in part for other reasons, we both carry mother issues. (Then again, I suspect everyone does.)

If possible, work those out with your actual mother, so you do not have to grapple with them through the anima or shadow. That work can be a real pain.

Dave

 

[Tiger]

i hate mothers

 

[abandonship]

my mother is an unhealthy ESFJ.
her speciality, manipulation via guilt trips, playing victim and pulling arguments out of her ass.
ugh!

 

[hopefulmonster]

my mother is an unhealthy ESFJ.
her speciality, manipulation via guilt trips, playing victim and pulling arguments out of her ass.
ugh!

My grandmother is an ESFJ as well and pulls the little old lady card when ever things don't go her way. She'll go to a store and pull some sob story out of her ass and have everyone eating out of the palm of her hand to get them to accept a expired coupon or accept a opened item she wants to return. 90% of the people who interact with her are 100% convinced shes some kind of saint that destiny has mistreated. Her emotional manipulations almost had me convinced she was some super brilliant ENTJ masquerading as a feeler to advance some plot but she is not even aware of her cunning nature.

 

[Minuend]

I would think my oldest brother is an ISTP, but he's not really action- oriented, but very interested in how things work. He's I and T, at least. My second brother is ESFP, I think. My sister; ENFP.

My mother is an ISFJ. I think my dad is ESFJ. His English isn't very good, and he gets very annoyed when he doesn't understand things. So I haven't even suggested him taking the test. My mother is more patient and curious. But at the same time, it seems she isn't comfortable discussing and exploring more serious topics.

I've been very lucky with my mother. She has always supported me. And she has never taken any of my emotional outbursts personally. Though, I must say, I've never screamed at her (since I was 12). But my frustration made me answer more rudly. Which could be taken the wrong way. Many people are unable to seperate people in a bad mood, and people who insult them personally. Some people seems to think the universe revolves aound them. I also have to say that these outbursts don't come often. Just so you know.

Anyways. She's amazing. She never pressures me to do anything I don't want to. She doens't nag me about being single for 5 years, sitting indoors too much etc etc She doesn't interfere with my life, but at the same time, I can tell she cares a whole lot. And she's always there to give me advice when I need that.

My dad. Well, what to say. He's always trying his best. I think he feels terrible guilty when he thinks he has done something wrong. Or when he did the right thing, but people are still angry with him. He is a people- pleaser. I feel kinda sorry for him. He works hard, and always does his best. But I can see how vulnerable he really is. We are different, but at the same time, a little similar. So we get along. But him being en E, he doesn't really understand my need to be alone. And he, well, his perspective on things are a bit... different from mine. And he never lets you know when he's offended. Which makes it look like he can handle more constructive criticism. So, I've probably offended him a couple of times, me being tactless. I just have a hard time seeing where he draws the line sometimes.

But all in all, I've been lucky with my parents, I suppose. Except my dad having a very bad temper when he was younger. So I didn't learn how to express my feelings when I was a child. When I did something wrong, he was just screaming and being angry. I didn't learn how to appologize either. Saying I'm sorry doesn't feel natural to me to this day.

I'm not sure if I'm still on topic ... Or if I ever was. Oh well.

 

[Vexbeast]

I hate my mother. She's weak. I just don't have issues about it because 'family' means nothing to me...

 

[Devercia]

My relationship with my ESFJ mother improved greatly with each of these doctrins Iwas able to pin to her mind:

Thought and beleif are not the same thing. Both are independent.

Debates are not battles of wills, but testing grounds for ideas.

Regularity does not mean precise regularity.

My motives are rarely directly defined by my actions or words.