jokes

[Jennywocky]

Here is a true story which is an example of why I don't:

An old woman nearing retirement age (beloved by all in the company; she had worked there her entire life) was walking out from the office one day carrying a large box. Some ice had built up around the exterior pathway immediately in front of the exterior door. She slipped and cracked her head on the door. As she was falling the box was tossed in the air and a short moment after she landed on her back on the ice the box landed on her ribs, knocking the wind out of her.

Upon hearing the commotion, I, along with a handful of others, exited my office and came to survey the scene.

She was obviously a little banged up but otherwise unharmed.

Desiring to assuage the obvious embarrassment felt by the old woman, I blurted out my first thought, "That was a nasty tumble. I sure hope the door is alright."

She immediately burst into tears, fled the scene and locked herself in the bathroom.

[bimgx=300]http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/science/bender-applause_medium.gif[/bimgx]

MORE! MORE!

 

[Perfectly Normal Beast]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.

What do you say to the feminist with no arms or legs?
Nice tits, bitch.


please don't click spoiler if you are the sort of person who can get offended by humour

Spoiler

A man goes to the doctor and says he needs to buy birth control for his 10-year-old daughter. The doctor asks if his daughter is sexually active. The man says, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

what's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby?
i don't fuck a sandwich before i eat it

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.

What's harder than nailing 100 dead babies to the wall?
My dick while I'm doing it.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

How long does it take for a baby to explode in the microwave?
I don't know i close my eyes when i masturbate.

 

[BigApplePi]

please don't click spoiler if you are the sort of person who can get offended by humour

Not being sure if I am offended by humor, I clicked on the spoiler. How do I tell BEFORE I click on the spoiler even though it says "please"?

 

[Cherry Cola]

Spoiler

A man goes to the doctor and says he needs to buy birth control for his 10-year-old daughter. The doctor asks if his daughter is sexually active. The man says, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

what's the difference between a sandwich and a dead baby?
i don't fuck a sandwich before i eat it

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!" Kinky bitch.

What's harder than nailing 100 dead babies to the wall?
My dick while I'm doing it.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.

How long does it take for a baby to explode in the microwave?
I don't know i close my eyes when i masturbate.

Spoiler

This is great signature material, in fact I started using the last one on another forum already!

 

[Jennywocky]

This is great signature material, in fact I started using the last one on another forum already!

I guess we don't read the same forums.




.... way to push the bar up (or down) to a whole new level, guys! Woo hoo!

 

[Perfectly Normal Beast]

Not being sure if I am offended by humor, I clicked on the spoiler. How do I tell BEFORE I click on the spoiler even though it says "please"?

Yes, i didn't phrase that very well but at least it was polite. If i explain it to you now will you be able to go back and inform yourself before you click?

This is great signature material, in fact I started using the last one on another forum already!

You've been seeing other forums?

.... way to push the bar up (or down) to a whole new level, guys! Woo hoo!

As a child, adults often said to me "you've gone too far this time".

 

[BigApplePi]

Yes, i didn't phrase that very well but at least it was polite. If i explain it to you now will you be able to go back and inform yourself before you click?

Few can phrase perfectly, but it is important to be polite. Yes if you fully explain the aura of the joke before I read it. Then I can make an informed judgment as to whether it will cause offense.

 

[Jennywocky]

As a child, adults often said to me "you've gone too far this time".

I'm going to guess that didn't slow you down any.

I laughed at everything, but yeah, I'd never repeat this stuff off forum except to my best friends, who already know I'm insane.

 

[Cherry Cola]

Yes, i didn't phrase that very well but at least it was polite. If i explain it to you now will you be able to go back and inform yourself before you click?




You've been seeing other forums?



As a child, adults often said to me "you've gone too far this time".

yeah I have, the best part is if you've spent a lot of time being nice to people and trying to encourage them you can get away with friggin anything, so now it's in my sig on such a forum : )

 

[Absurdity]

Don't know if this has been posted yet but...

There once a man who sought enlightenment, so he journeyed to a sacred mountain to speak with the sage who lived at the peak. After scaling the mountain and meeting the sage, he asked, "O great sage, what must I do to attain enlightenment as you have?" The sage said, "You must kill a bear with your bare hands, and make love to a beautiful woman." The man thanked the sage and then proceeded down the mountain to carry out his tasks.

A few days later he returned to the sage bloody and covered in claw marks, and said:

Spoiler

"Alright, where's this bitch I need to kill?"

 

[BigApplePi]

If your nose runs and your feet smell, were you built upside down?

 

[Grayman]

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says' Can I join you?'

 

[Skinart]

What do you call stealing from an igloo?

Brrglary.

 

[Perfectly Normal Beast]

no offense intended to women, christians, paedophiles, recovering alcoholics, mothers-in-law, cops etc etc etc.

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

Santa Claus: one paedophile's excuse for having a little girl on his lap that got way out of hand.

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"
I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft.
I'll take it up to her later.

Don't forget to take your children to midnight mass.
It's Christmas for priests too, remember.

My wife came in from Christmas shopping with ten cases of lager, five cases of bitter, twelve bottles of wine, six bottles of spirits and two loaves of bread.
I said, "Are we having a party?"
She said, "No."
I said, "Why have you bought two fucking loaves of bread then?"

I told the wife that taking down the Christmas decorations early was bad luck but she just wouldn't listen.
I had to push her off the ladder, but I've proven my point.

2014 years and nine months ago, God visited the 12-year-old Virgin Mary in her sleep. When He left, she was bearing his one and only child.
It's only a matter of time before Operation Yewtree catch up with Him.

I answered the door and said, "Not again, you came last Christmas. Here's a fiver, now clear off, and shut the gate on your way out." Slamming the door behind me.
My wife shouted, "Dave, stop being horrible to the carol singers, they're only raising money for charity."
I said, "It wasn't them, it was your fucking Mother."

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.
But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

NEWS: 2 police officers shot dead in New York.
Bloody hell... I only posted my letter to Santa yesterday!

 

[QuickTwist]

What did the farmer say to his wife? "I think its time to eat."

 

[Teax]

was a consequence of this thread