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jokes

Joined
Oct 2, 2010
Messages
122
Location
In a freezer
#1
does anyone know of any good jokes?
i'm bored
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#3
Soldiering

Don't know if this is a joke as it could be true:

The Major went out to find that none of his soldiers were there. One finally ran up, sweating heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran five miles, and now I'm here."

The Major was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go. Moments later, more soldiers came up to the Major panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The Major eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

Another soldier jogged up to the Major, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the Major interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the soldier., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#4
Traffic

A lady was out driving her car and when she stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic jam behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as the lady continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally she got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her.

"I can't seem to get my car started," she said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
 
Joined
Oct 2, 2010
Messages
122
Location
In a freezer
#5
1st answer by pi: nice one!
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#6
Punny?

Punny --

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#7
Politics

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they've been used."
 

ApostateAbe

The past is an asshole, so f*** it
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
Messages
1,189
Location
MT
#9
Q: What's so sad about four black men who get in a car wreck and die?

A: They are human beings with friends and families who will miss them.
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#15
Good Training

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill
to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes
and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled
and asked the remaining Indian
what it was all about.
"Was that Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied
"No, It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful woman
in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave,
stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size
of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It's bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face,
he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!!!!!
 
Joined
Mar 10, 2011
Messages
234
#16
^lol.

A man was walking through the zoo one day when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs the little girl by her jacket and tries to pull her inside. Her parents start screaming hysterically,
The man runs to the cage and whacks the lion on the nose with his umbrella. Whimpering from the pain, the lion retreats and lets go of the little girl. The man reunites her with her parents - who thank him repeatedly for saving their daughter's life.
Unbeknownst to the man, a journalist has been watching what happened.
'Sir,' he says, walking up to him afterwards, 'that was the bravest thing i ever saw in my life.'
The man shrugs.
'It was nothing,' he says. 'The lion was in a cage and i knew God would protect me, just as he protected Daniel in the lion's den. When i saw the little girl was in danger, I just did what i thought was right.'
The reporter is gobsmacked.
'Is that a bible I see in your pocket?' he asks.
'Yes,' says the man. 'I'm a Christian. In fact, I,m on my way to Bible class right now.'
'I'm a journalist,' replies the reporter. 'And you know what? I'm going to run what you did on tomorrow's front page. I'm going to make absolutely certain that your selfless act of heroism doesn't go unnoticed.'
The following morning the man buys the paper.
The headline reads as follows: Right-wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.
 
Joined
Oct 2, 2010
Messages
122
Location
In a freezer
#17
Your mother is an ESFJ.
and my dad an INTP.
i'm not 100% sure about ESFJ, but she comes pretty close
EDIT: i'd say she's an ExxJ. She handles both abstract and concrete concepts well, and switches between the two depending on the situation. often more oriented towards F she also has an underlying T in there, cause in any case if she didn't she woudn't be where she is.
it's quite funny that my mum is an ESFj and my dad an INTP though (they did recently get divorced), must be pretty rare. and funny I didn't get much of a mix either and that i'm INTP too. but i do talk to my mum most of the time, and we manage to get along amazingly well together. it's funny.
anyway like my dad, i'm considering studying applied maths, because for me, like him, even though abstract concepts are cool, they become much more interesting when you apply them. Also m mum has made me slightly more S than my dad (only slightly). it's true though that even if I don't like being too sociable, i do have quite good social skills. a lot of exposure to an F friend of mine recently has turned me from 95% T to about 60%T as well. i am slowly learning to be able to do what a J does. it's called an all round character, with an extra thing for the best type (INTP's). maybe this should have gone in the introit... ah well. it's not got much to do with jokes anyway

EDIT: how did u know anyway?
 
Joined
Oct 2, 2010
Messages
122
Location
In a freezer
#19
BigApplePi, are you a comedian?
her's one i invented with a firend of mine:
Q: why is it better to marry a radio than a woman?
A1: at least you can turn the radio off!
A2: radios play music a well!

this i saw graffited somewhere:
Q: how do u make an archaelogist blush?
A: give them a dirty tampon and ask them what period it's from!
 

EyeSeeCold

lust for life
Joined
Aug 12, 2010
Messages
7,845
Location
California, USA
#20
and my dad an INTP.
i'm not 100% sure about ESFJ, but she comes pretty close
EDIT: i'd say she's an ExxJ. She handles both abstract and concrete concepts well, and switches between the two depending on the situation. often more oriented towards F she also has an underlying T in there, cause in any case if she didn't she woudn't be where she is.
it's quite funny that my mum is an ESFj and my dad an INTP though (they did recently get divorced), must be pretty rare. and funny I didn't get much of a mix either and that i'm INTP too. but i do talk to my mum most of the time, and we manage to get along amazingly well together. it's funny.
anyway like my dad, i'm considering studying applied maths, because for me, like him, even though abstract concepts are cool, they become much more interesting when you apply them. Also m mum has made me slightly more S than my dad (only slightly). it's true though that even if I don't like being too sociable, i do have quite good social skills. a lot of exposure to an F friend of mine recently has turned me from 95% T to about 60%T as well. i am slowly learning to be able to do what a J does. it's called an all round character, with an extra thing for the best type (INTP's). maybe this should have gone in the introit... ah well. it's not got much to do with jokes anyway
EDIT: how did u know anyway?
It was supposed to be a joke lol. The premise being "ESFJ" is derogatory.
 

Yet

Active Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2011
Messages
352
Location
restaurant at the end of the universe
#22
There's this elder woman who wants to put the 'spark' back in het love life. She asks advice from one of her friends. Oh the friend replies ... I know exactly what you should do! Go to the finest lingery store in town and buy yourself a lovely little sexy nighty. Lie down on bed with a sexy pose and once your husband sees you Johnny wil wake up out of his winter sleep and you'll have the best time of your life. Trust me.
Of the woman goes, buys herself a lovely set and lies down on bed smiling.... Hubby reads his book in bed puts down his specs when he gets tired and turns around and snores within 10 mins.
The next day the woman phones her friend and tells her what happened ... 'ow I know what must be wrong' her friend says ... you did not show enough nude did you ... you need a tiny little sexy nighty. Of the woman goes back to the lingery store and buys herself the tiniest nighty with lots of lace.
Sadly the same thing happens like the previous night. And of course next day she is back on the phone with her friend ... in tears.
There there, her friend says, don't despair. I think you should even show more skin. He is a bit shortsighted your husband isn't he. Just try the same thing tonite but do not put anything on. Just lie down naked, he can't miss that can he?
So the woman followed her friends advice and lied down naked that evening.
Hubby, sticking to his routine, read his book in bed but before taking his glasses of lifted them to his forehead... gave his wife a strange look and said: 'I'm not sure what to think of your new nighties lately, but the one your wearing tonight really could use an iron'.
 

Cogwulf

Is actually an INTJ
Joined
Aug 21, 2009
Messages
1,553
Location
England
#24
What's worse than a papercut?
-The holocaust you insensitive monster.


A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
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Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#25
Is He Smart?

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"

The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
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Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#26
Research

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the five o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#28
A friend posted this story:

Wisdom

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life..

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?



Scroll down

















The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
 

Cogwulf

Is actually an INTJ
Joined
Aug 21, 2009
Messages
1,553
Location
England
#32
Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?






When the police got there, all the money was scone.




I'll get my coat.
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#35
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot you racist!
What do you call a track star you see when flying over him?
A racist you pilot!
 

Hadoblado

The choicest fuckboi
Joined
Mar 17, 2011
Messages
4,935
#37
Where there is a lol, there is a joke, regardless of level of understanding. Oh wait I just got it haha
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#39
What are you if you are removed from a friend?

Answer:
A fiend.
 
Joined
Jan 8, 2010
Messages
8,988
Location
New York City (The Big Apple) & State
#40
How do you catch a polar bear? You make a hole in the ice. Then you take a can of peas and spread the can of peas all around the hole. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
 
Joined
Jun 25, 2013
Messages
1,414
#42
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"


As I started fucking her, she said, "Please stop. You must stop. I want you to stop."
It's nice that she's enjoying it, I thought, but why is she talking like a telegram?
 

Coolydudey

You could say that.
Joined
May 21, 2012
Messages
1,041
Location
Pensive-land.....
#43
Yay, somebody resurrected my jokes thread!!

2 great blonde jokes:

1)Two blondes are driving to Disneyland, where they want to spend the weekend. Just when they get really close, they turned around and went home. Why?
A: There was a sign that said "Disneyland left"! (If you don't get it, they interpreted left as gone, not here any more).

2)Two blondes are having a light conversation. One says "I want to go to the moon". The other replies, "I want to go to the sun". The first replies, "You can't silly, it's too hot". The second retorts "No you silly, I'm going to go at night!"
 

Clock

ʞɔolƆ
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
21
#45
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"


As I started fucking her, she said, "Please stop. You must stop. I want you to stop."
It's nice that she's enjoying it, I thought, but why is she talking like a telegram?
Awesome. :)
 

Jennywocky

guud languager
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,610
Location
Charn
#46
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.

Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.

Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.

Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.

Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.


1)Two blondes are driving to Disneyland, where they want to spend the weekend. Just when they get really close, they turned around and went home. Why?
A: There was a sign that said "Disneyland left"! (If you don't get it, they interpreted left as gone, not here any more).
I can't believe you felt the need to explain a punchline ... and to a BLONDE joke nonetheless! :eek:

(Of course, this is maybe because I'm a brunette, so I got it all on my own.)
 
Joined
Mar 17, 2013
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3,899
Location
stockholm
#48
There once was this homosexual man and he was getting a tattoo of a truck on his dick.

He said to the tattoist that it was of umost importance that the truck was equipped with a four wheel drive. The tattoist was baffled and wondered why; whereupon, the homosexual man answered that it was going to plow through a lot of shit.
 

Jennywocky

guud languager
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,610
Location
Charn
#49
There once was this homosexual man and he was getting a tattoo of a truck on his dick.

He said to the tattoist that it was of umost importance that the truck was equipped with a four wheel drive. The tattoist was baffled and wondered why; whereupon, the homosexual man answered that it was going to plow through a lot of shit.
"What's that smell?" his lover said later that night, after they were both collapsed panting on the bed.

The gay man sniffed at the air. "I guess I really burned rubber."
 
Joined
Aug 1, 2013
Messages
949
Location
Upstairs
#50
Oh man, loving this thread. My type of humor. Dark, twisted, irreverent and a little off.

I try not to make too many jokes around most people because they won't get them.

Here is a true story which is an example of why I don't:

An old woman nearing retirement age (beloved by all in the company; she had worked there her entire life) was walking out from the office one day carrying a large box. Some ice had built up around the exterior pathway immediately in front of the exterior door. She slipped and cracked her head on the door. As she was falling the box was tossed in the air and a short moment after she landed on her back on the ice the box landed on her ribs, knocking the wind out of her.

Upon hearing the commotion, I, along with a handful of others, exited my office and came to survey the scene.

She was obviously a little banged up but otherwise unharmed.

Desiring to assuage the obvious embarrassment felt by the old woman, I blurted out my first thought, "That was a nasty tumble. I sure hope the door is alright."

She immediately burst into tears, fled the scene and locked herself in the bathroom.
 
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