Jokes.

[Cabbo Pearimo]

Come one, come all. Tell a joke, share some humour.




Why be so serious?

 

[Kuu]

http://xkcd.com/400/

 

[Jesin]

I can do better than that!

http://dynamic.xkcd.com/comic/random/

 

[Quest for Liberty]

How many ears does Davy Crocket have?
3, the left ear, the right ear, and the wild frontier.

 

[PreAlgebra]

Here is a joke that I just saw online that made me laugh a lot.

Have you ever been so stoned that you crashed your car into a tree? Then you got out of your car to check for damage and there wasnt even a scratch. Then you looked around and you couldnt even see a tree. So you finally calmed yourself down and got back into the car only to become embarrassed because you realized that it was just your air-freshenar hanging from your rear-view mirror?

Yeah me neither.

 

[tfa1]

The first one I found on Wikipedia, the second is from a comedian I saw on TV (can't remember his name, though):


"A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."


Airplane Passenger: "Hey man, if one of the engines gives out, how far do you think the other will take us?"
Comedian: "All the way to the scene of the crash. Which is good 'cause that's where we're headed."

 

[Fleur]

To end the eternal conflict between Christianity and evolution theory, specially formed concil decided to make a correction in Bible. Now it says: "Human is originated from ape, which was created by God`s face and similiarity."

 

[Thread Killer]

In Soviet Russia, joke makes YOU!!

 

[fullerene]

hahaha, I never get sick of those. I love the "if one more person enters, the house will be empty" too.

An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.
The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."

 

[Ogion]

You probably know these, but anyway, they are good:

The Views of Various World Religions on Shit Happens

Taoism: Shit happens
Hare krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Ding
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Islam: That shit happens is the will of Allah
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Existentialism: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit happens”
7th day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturdays
Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock, knock, “Shit happens”
Unitarian: What is this shit?
Mormon: Shit happens again & again & again
Judaism: Oy vey! Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pentacostalism: Praise the shit!
Atheism: There is no shit!
New Age: Shit happens and it happens to smell good
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit

WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS

FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you a glass of milk.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker
about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile,
no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of
starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it
on the black market.
PERESTROIKA
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes
all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the
"free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the
milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed
them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then
it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
missing cows.
CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling
violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the
moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in
a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the
Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its
parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the
competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and
gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese
cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials,
though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves
it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM
Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze on
privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that
destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are
processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of clever
and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your
artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy meat,
you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses because
there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management uses
your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally"
on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and
resources are cheap.

BRITISH REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
Both cows are mad

Ogion

 

[Fleur]

Write "find Chuch Norris" on Google, then press "I`m Feeling Lucky" and see what happens.

I`m serious, try it.

 

[Decaf]

Did you know that Chuck Norris lives in a round house?

 

[Wisp]

kick?

 

[NoID10ts]

Write "find Chuch Norris" on Google, then press "I`m Feeling Lucky" and see what happens.

I`m serious, try it.

That's hilarious! chucknorrisfacts.com is a scream.

 

[Decaf]

What are the two sexiest barn animals?


****

****

****

****

Brown chicken, brown cow.

Not funny? Say it out loud and slur it together.

Still not funny? Yeah... I know

 

[severus]

Ha, I finally got that one^^

 

[Radioactive_Springtime]

lmao verry clever

 

[Jordan~]

I still don't get it.

Is an American accent required?

 

[Jesin]

No, but it may be an American cultural reference. I'm not sure.

Try removing the comma. It helps.

 

[Jordan~]

Like [REMOVED BY ORIGINAL POSTER]?

 

[Jesin]

Yes, but you just ruined it for everyone else.

 

[Jordan~]

Oh. Oops! I thought that might have been what it was. Damage control time.

 

[Raison D'etre]

I had to search for the answer on google...

 

[Decaf]

what do you get when you cross a mountain climber with an elephant?

nothing... a mountain climber is a scaler!

 

[fullerene]

lol wow that's nerdy. I love it!

 

[Aphasia]

... I still don't understand both your jokes. Poor me :<

 

[Jesin]

Yes, I remember when my precalc teacher told that joke.

"Nothing! You can't cross anything with a scalar!"

Most of the students burst into laughter, except a few who had heard it before, and some who went "Ohh! I get it!" a few seconds later.

 

[Wisp]

....! Google'd~!

 

[Kidege]

*facepalm*
And I didn't get the brown farm animals one.

 

[Wisp]

Neither did I...

 

[Jordan~]

I had to do some research.

 

[Wisp]

A Jew a priest and a black guy walked into a bar. They said "Ow!"