INTPs in single mother households vs married households

[Nofriends]

Those of you who come from a single mother household, do you think that was to your benefit or detriment?

Conversely, do you INTPs in households bound through wedlock feel that such a setup is advantageous or disadvantageous to your general wellbeing and/or intellectual advancement?

Personally, I feel having some other man at the head of the house to be irritating, as it reduces my autonomy.

 

[Absurdity]

Detriment. I could have used some more guidance, and someone to kick my ass when I tried to do stupid shit.

 

[Fukyo]

My parents' marriage has always been bad, and only getting worse by each year. Having been raised in that environment has been acutely to my detriment.

 

[Dalyth]

My parents' marriage has always been bad, and only getting worse by each year. Having been raised in that environment has been acutely to my detriment.

Ditto.

My parents are fucking insane.

 

[Jennywocky]

My parents should have divorced. Instead I spent my youth isolating myself, to stay out of their mess as much as I could. "Staying together for the kids" is crappy when both parents are miserable and fighting all the time.

 

[Tannhauser]

The opposite case for me: was raised mostly by my father. The dude was a pure no-nonsense guy and a former soldier, so I got pretty damn good discipline. Quite honestly, I am thankful for that.

 

[Cipher]

Detriment, obviously.
Under normal circumstances a child needs both parents to delevop optimally.

 

[Intolerable]

My parents split when I was 3.

Honestly I don't remember it. I don't even remember them together. I know them both very well of course. They are oil and water.

I think as bad as things were they would have been worse had they stayed together.

 

[HDINTP]

I just would not be who I am today if it was the other way around. Hmm I believe that I am almost perfect. So to my benefit...

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

my parents have a great relationship, i dont even recall them ever having a serious fight

but...my mom was never fit to be a parent

Spoiler

i think my mom's understanding of parenting is that a parent's role is fulfilled by providing material support and nothing more, and that the parent acquires a pass to be emotionally abusive if they fulfill their aforementioned "role" but do not see their kids living up to their "standards". ive never been able to feel an intimate bond with her.

in contrast, my father has always been patient, understanding, gentle and affectionate towards me

i feel like i could have had a healthier, less emotionally repressed childhood if i were raised solely by my father

 

[redbaron]

Parents split when I was too young to remember, but I was raised roughly equally between both households as well as spending a lot of time with grandparents, aunties and cousins. I can't say I think any specific person or parent was the one that raised me and I'm not sure if it helped or hindered my development to have such a wide variety of influences.

At the very least it made me capable and comfortable dealing with different kinds of people from all walks of life.

 

[Helvete]

Doesn't seem like any of the objections to single, or dual parent households are mbti related. I wonder what types of traits are emphasized from the various types of upbringings? I can see more autonomy but single minded opinions on things from single parent vs dual parent upbringings. Also more independence, although my own upbringing seems to contradict this.

My own house hold was very stable with both parents promoting independence, usually by refraining from giving us (my siblings and I) things we could obtain ourselves. There were obvious restrictions preventing autonomy but the solution was a simple matter of learning to live with it or leaving. It is not the reason why I left, that is another story. I am grateful for the way my parents have raised me.

 

[Jennywocky]

With my situation, where getting close to either parent (and/or my entire family) left me in danger of getting swamped by The Crazies, I found that it did play into my natural desires for space and autonomy/independence, but also exacerbated them.

Now years and years later, I'm not really close to anyone in my bio family, and I find that I spend almost all my time alone because I am comfortable with it. However, I'm not necessarily happy; I often feel lonely because of the degree of isolation and wish I had some close relationships, yet starting to get close to people (where I'd feel some level of obligation or self-restriction) can make me uncomfortable. I guess on some level I feel anxiety over relational investments because in the past they always bit me in the ass and made me life more difficult.

 

[TBerg]

The only self-discipline I got a feel for was from my mom. My dad was the complete opposite and was not very responsible at all. Hence I was without a strong male role-model and learned bad things about men and women: that men are degenerates and women victims of their degeneration, instead of maleness being associated with stability and creativity. My mom fell for the bad boy who could escape responsibility for anything.

 

[Patch]

I find that I spend almost all my time alone because I am comfortable with it. However, I'm not necessarily happy; I often feel lonely because of the degree of isolation and wish I had some close relationships, yet starting to get close to people (where I'd feel some level of obligation or self-restriction) can make me uncomfortable. I guess on some level I feel anxiety over relational investments because in the past they always bit me in the ass and made me life more difficult.

Pretty much this. Parents divorced, mom started working abroad to earn enough money to support us, so I was raised by my grandparents most of the time, which I love as much as my parents. When my grandfather died, it was a massive shock for me and for many weeks I could not grasp the situation of him being gone. Years after, I still feel he was the person I was closest to. My dad is alright and we meet quite regularly but I was never really close to him and he barely shows any interest in me unless it involves his interests as well. He's just immature to realize that he's not being a real father (I have much younger siblings now, I was born when both my parents were 17-18).

But I guess it helped me shape as a person. I had to care for myself most of the time and never really had interest in friends my age, which explains why I always hang out and talk to people older than me. Also why I prefer older women as partners, I simply cannot find common ground with people my age, their problems and arguments seems absolutely ridiculous to me. So such a family situation makes you mature faster which gives you an upper hand in the future, but it does isolate you quite a lot.

 

[Jennywocky]

Pretty much this. Parents divorced, mom started working abroad to earn enough money to support us, so I was raised by my grandparents most of the time, which I love as much as my parents. When my grandfather died, it was a massive shock for me and for many weeks I could not grasp the situation of him being gone. Years after, I still feel he was the person I was closest to. My dad is alright and we meet quite regularly but I was never really close to him and he barely shows any interest in me unless it involves his interests as well. He's just immature to realize that he's not being a real father (I have much younger siblings now, I was born when both my parents were 17-18).

I'm sorry about your grandfather, although it was many years ago. When you find those few people who seem to understand you or at least you feel close to, to lose them takes away a much higher percentage of the feelings of closeness than for people who seem to have many investments (albeit perhaps not on such a deep level) in others.

My grandparents loved me, but the only one I suspected I would feel close to as an adult was my grandmother who died when I was eight. I only saw her twice a year, but for some reason I found her the most interesting; she seemed to be quiet and observing, and would often leave notes around the house for my grandfather. After my dad died a few years ago, I went through his filing cabinets and found clippings of her and letters both of his parents had written, including the one where my grandmother chewed out my dad for having cold feet about getting married. it was pretty hilarious; she was probably the only person who could have ever talked to him like that, since he normally didn't stand for it.

But I guess it helped me shape as a person. I had to care for myself most of the time and never really had interest in friends my age, which explains why I always hang out and talk to people older than me. Also why I prefer older women as partners, I simply cannot find common ground with people my age, their problems and arguments seems absolutely ridiculous to me. So such a family situation makes you mature faster which gives you an upper hand in the future, but it does isolate you quite a lot.

Yes, when I was young (kid->teen), I didn't identify with many if any of my peers and usually enjoyed talking to older people. It's funny, it kind of reversed as an older adult because "older" means people in their 50's and 60's now and my life mentality seems different -- squarely Gen X -- so my friends tend to be younger than me and in their late 20's and 30's.

it's all such a tradeoff. Adversity builds competence (if you survive) but can isolate create a gulf due to the challenges you've overcome.

 

[QuickTwist]

Hmm...

Overall I can't complain too much. There was a good social hierarchy within the household. Though my father is quite temperamental and tends to overreact, I can only think of a few instances where I really felt completely demoralized. Both parents were not likely to explain anything; I heard "because I am the mom" a lot. My father is another story, he didn't even need to say that much since the threat of physical pain via spanking was enough to get me to tread lightly. Gawd, but its the worst after getting a wallop and they tell you they did it because they love you. I still to this day hold a lot of resentment toward my father.

 

[Patch]

I'm sorry about your grandfather, although it was many years ago. When you find those few people who seem to understand you or at least you feel close to, to lose them takes away a much higher percentage of the feelings of closeness than for people who seem to have many investments (albeit perhaps not on such a deep level) in others.

My grandparents loved me, but the only one I suspected I would feel close to as an adult was my grandmother who died when I was eight. I only saw her twice a year, but for some reason I found her the most interesting; she seemed to be quiet and observing, and would often leave notes around the house for my grandfather. After my dad died a few years ago, I went through his filing cabinets and found clippings of her and letters both of his parents had written, including the one where my grandmother chewed out my dad for having cold feet about getting married. it was pretty hilarious; she was probably the only person who could have ever talked to him like that, since he normally didn't stand for it.

Yes, when I was young (kid->teen), I didn't identify with many if any of my peers and usually enjoyed talking to older people. It's funny, it kind of reversed as an older adult because "older" means people in their 50's and 60's now and my life mentality seems different -- squarely Gen X -- so my friends tend to be younger than me and in their late 20's and 30's.

it's all such a tradeoff. Adversity builds competence (if you survive) but can isolate create a gulf due to the challenges you've overcome.

Your grandma does sound interesting It reminds me of mine (wife of my dead grandfather), she is very hard on my dad as well, calling him things like "That idiot who can't even handle his wife" crack me up

I guess it's a common thing that generations who are close to each other (kids->parents, parents->grandparents) never got along well because each thinks they know better than the other, but the subsequent generations (kids->grandparents) always get along a lot better. I think it's because each generation tries to be rebelious against the one that "ruled" above them. If your grandparents were orange, your parents would be blue just to spite and in change you would be orange. Circle of life

Hmm...

Overall I can't complain too much. There was a good social hierarchy within the household. Though my father is quite temperamental and tends to overreact, I can only think of a few instances where I really felt completely demoralized. Both parents were not likely to explain anything; I heard "because I am the mom" a lot. My father is another story, he didn't even need to say that much since the threat of physical pain via spanking was enough to get me to tread lightly. Gawd, but its the worst after getting a wallop and they tell you they did it because they love you. I still to this day hold a lot of resentment toward my father.

I can understand that. I guess a lot of parents assume that children would not understand most social situations or difference between right or wrong in complex situations, but by not explaining them properly it only makes it worse in the future when such situation arises again. So beatings and saying just because are just the easy way out for parents I guess.

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

a lot of parents assume that children would not understand most social situations or difference between right or wrong in complex situations, but by not explaining them properly it only makes it worse in the future when such situation arises again. So beatings and saying just because are just the easy way out for parents I guess.

that's because they're(the parents) damaged.

i believe no healthy person can stand before a child; still dependant, fragile, vulnerable and slowly learning into self, and think the best influence they can have on this child's developing agency is beating discipline into them.

sadly so many people become parents before they sort their shit out and dont even realise they're not equipped with love and enduring patience that a parent should have

 

[Cipher]

sadly so many people become parents before they sort their shit out and dont even realise they're not equipped with love and enduring patience that a parent should have

I sometimes wonder what the world would look like if this weren't the case.

 

[shcj]

detriment for sure. The affect of a child growing up without a dad is an interesting topic, but sadly enough there aren't enough studies about it...

 

[Nibbler]

It depends on the single mother, her means. And it also depends on the father who is around.

When I was a child, I used to dream of being raised by hippies because then they would leave me the fuck alone about stupid, tedious shit that didn't matter, and they would encourage my interests in music, drawing or just being that weird kid.

The reason is that my dad is an overbearing macho man, the type who is always the leader at work (or working on being the leader) but doesn't have any male friends in his personal life because that's too much male competition for being in charge.

Which means yes, if you were wondering, he was NOT into sports. He's a car and motorcycle guy.

edit: I take that back. some of my best memories is being really little kids watching WWF with him. He wasn't an avid WWF maniac. But he enjoyed the occasional Saturday and we'd listen to him explain why parts of the screen were blocked out (blood) or who the bad guys were. /edit

He discouraged anything but going to school, coming home, hit the books ASAP, doing chores (cleaning cleaning cleaning!), doing more homework, and then going to bed. Any interests were not what I deserved since "You can't be bothered to vacuum up all the lint!" which he saw 3 hours after I vacuumed and people had been walking on it the entire time.

He was always right no matter what and he bullied any ability I had to cogently argue my point for myself in defense of anything, that spilled well into my 20s. I was easily taken advantage of because while I KNEW something wasn't right I just couldn't find the words for it. That was dear ol dad.

I'd take the secret door to a single mother and I don't know what her story is. Looking back, I honestly think my chances were better had I been put up for adoption. I had a failed runaway attempt at 10 when we lived in England. I sometimes dream of the life I would have had if I knew to run away and then do that silent thing some kids do by never talking and then trying to get away from that town as best as I could and then being an orphan in England after my family moved back to the US.

That's how bad my dad was. And my mother was an angry, emotional martyr who took out all her rage on us kids instead of using us as allies.

Is this all TMI?
(Sometimes I don't know.)

 

[redbaron]

sadly so many people become parents before they sort their shit out and dont even realise they're not equipped with love and enduring patience that a parent should have

Not sure I agree that this is the secret to parenting success but I can't necessarily disagree that they're (probably) good things.

 

[Urakro]

Not sure I agree that this is the secret to parenting success but I can't necessarily disagree that they're (probably) good things.

I believe it's role-modelling. The kid doesn't have to learn or look up to the parent, but it'd be more likely if the parent did have some shit together. Not teaching through force and overbearing, but as someone who can show often that they stay calm during conflict, show self-discipline in action and solve problems which will likely instill impressions on the child. Kids like to immitate heroic, powerful, or successful traits they find at school, in stories, and family members.

 

[Nofriends]

It depends on the single mother, her means. And it also depends on the father who is around.

When I was a child, I used to dream of being raised by hippies because then they would leave me the fuck alone about stupid, tedious shit that didn't matter, and they would encourage my interests in music, drawing or just being that weird kid.

The reason is that my dad is an overbearing macho man, the type who is always the leader at work (or working on being the leader) but doesn't have any male friends in his personal life because that's too much male competition for being in charge.

Which means yes, if you were wondering, he was NOT into sports. He's a car and motorcycle guy.

edit: I take that back. some of my best memories is being really little kids watching WWF with him. He wasn't an avid WWF maniac. But he enjoyed the occasional Saturday and we'd listen to him explain why parts of the screen were blocked out (blood) or who the bad guys were. /edit

He discouraged anything but going to school, coming home, hit the books ASAP, doing chores (cleaning cleaning cleaning!), doing more homework, and then going to bed. Any interests were not what I deserved since "You can't be bothered to vacuum up all the lint!" which he saw 3 hours after I vacuumed and people had been walking on it the entire time.

He was always right no matter what and he bullied any ability I had to cogently argue my point for myself in defense of anything, that spilled well into my 20s. I was easily taken advantage of because while I KNEW something wasn't right I just couldn't find the words for it. That was dear ol dad.

I'd take the secret door to a single mother and I don't know what her story is. Looking back, I honestly think my chances were better had I been put up for adoption. I had a failed runaway attempt at 10 when we lived in England. I sometimes dream of the life I would have had if I knew to run away and then do that silent thing some kids do by never talking and then trying to get away from that town as best as I could and then being an orphan in England after my family moved back to the US.

That's how bad my dad was. And my mother was an angry, emotional martyr who took out all her rage on us kids instead of using us as allies.

Is this all TMI?
(Sometimes I don't know.)

Your father sounds like a great guy, you should go hug him and tell him how much you love him!