INTPs and family issues

[Anti-socialite]

I'm having some serious problems with my family and I believe the whole mess hinges on my personality. Do any other INTPs have problems relating to their parents, siblings, etc.?

 

[Kuu]

Yes. There is no easy fix. Just hang in there.

 

[Ermine]

My family as a whole is in good standing, but I've always clashed with my mom, since we think on totally different wavelengths. (She's an ESTJ.)

 

[Anti-socialite]

My problem is that I'm not sure if there is something wrong with me or if my family is just trying to protect my mother.

Without getting into too much detail, I am a survivor of child abuse which includes child sexual abuse. The situation is complicated by how abusive my mom was when my sister's and I were kids. Now that we've grown up, it's all "we need to be a family" and other pointless BS. My mother destroyed something in me a long time ago and, like I've told her (but somethign tells me it didn't sink in) we don't and have never had a relationship. The fact that what happened to me is being dimnished, i just can't see how I'm supposed to associate with this woman for the rest of her life.

I haven't seen my therapist in a while. Thanks for reading.

 

[Kumori]

That's sad to hear, Anti-socialite, I know two people who have been through similar things, I can't tell you their stories as I have been told not to.

I don't like my family, simply put, I cannot wait till I move out and start life on my own.

 

[Thread Killer]

My relationship with my dad has always been rocky though it has improved somewhat in the past few years, but bad periods come and go. Sometimes I want to kill someone, but I tend to bounce back from the anger.

 

[Aphasia]

Yes. I'm not amazingly close to my parents, mostly my mother, for a few shallow reasons. Also, if you define closeness as having others know everything about you, no one is even remotely close to sighting distance of knowing me, short of my siblings.

 

[Oziriz]

My mother appreciates the fact that I'm an INTP, even if she doesn't know what it is she always understood that I'm different in what probably is a good way on many levels, and I've never had a dad so I don't need to worry about him...
My brother and sister both also understood, when I still lived at home, that I needed my space, besides, they were out with their friends most of the time anyway... Never had any trouble with my family for being an INTP.

...if you define closeness as having others know everything about you, no one is even remotely close to sighting distance of knowing me, short of my siblings.

If you define closeness like that, no one is close to me, I have a hard enough time keeping myself up to date. :P

 

[murkrow]

All the NTs I know have problems with their families(excepting my ENTP friend, he's their wonder child).

Obviously not all of them have as serious a root as yours, but I think it's perfectly understandable that you should have a difficult time making those around you see reason, especially when dealing with such an emotionally resonant issue.

The utilitarian thinking of other is difficult (sometimes too difficult to bother with) to break.

The mess doesn't hinge on your personality, it hinges on your virtue.

 

[zxc]

I don't have any issues - maybe I'm just lucky. I can't always relate to my parents though, but there's no conflict at all really.

 

[orion119net]

I don't really have a problem with my parents(helps that they're both N's, and my mom is an INTJ), and most of my siblings. But 2 of them(I have a big family) I really clash with a lot, and I think a lot of the time its because we think so different.

My brother is an ESTP, and my sister is an ESTJ. And they are pretty emotional for being T's, too. So that, coupled with their major S'ness, tends to create a lot of conflict between us.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Without getting into too much detail, I am a survivor of child abuse which includes child sexual abuse.

My wife, while not a licensed therapist, is a bit of an expert in this. She is a labor doula and, as such, deals with women who are vulnerable. Some of them have been abused (and some that have don't remember), and sometimes the trauma of labor brings this stuff to the fore (and then sometimes with remarkable force). From what little tangential experience I have, my only advice is: find a counselor you can trust and keep at it.

Personally, my family of origin consisted of my dad (ISFJ--military man), my mom (ENFP--flighty, peace-keeper, often spineless), and my younger twin sisters (INFJ and EXFJ). I was the oldest child, but, because of the specifics of the family, I was the middle person. Often, I was the 5th wheel, which just so happened to fit my INTP personality rather well. But, my dad really wanted me to be a variant of himself, and that didn't work so well. And, my mom didn't usually have the strength or courage to stand up to him.

Regarding my current family, my wife is an INFP, and my sons are an INTJ and an INTP. So, we're all INs, and since my sons are both INTs, and my wife is an IN_P, we actually all get along rather well.

Dave

 

[strangeguy]

i hate my family
hates all i can say
though of course,
i hate everyone and every part of being a human

 

[Thread Killer]

i hate my family
hates all i can say
though of course,
i hate everyone and every part of being a human

Hear, hear. I think most of us here can relate to that. At least the last three lines if they get on with their family more or less (lucky 'em).

 

[Jordan~]

I fight with my parents a lot, but I love them to pieces. We always make up within a day.

 

[Dissident]

I used to make my mother cry with a couple of words, now I try to say as little as I can, we are opposites.

 

[ThreeMostAlways]

Maybe it's just me?
I have difficulties relating to the majority of the people I know
family or not.

I never thought about it long enough to pinpoint what the source was...

 

[Jordan~]

I used to make my mother cry with a couple of words, now I try to say as little as I can, we are opposites.

I know what that's like. I'm not sure what my mum is, probably ESFP, but I can certainly upset her without intending to. My dad, though he's more similar to me (probably ISTP), is the same sometimes. There needs to be a great deal of tip-toeing around to avoid conflict, but you can't tip-toe forever.

As I said, the arguments never last long. And I usually feel really awful afterwards if I've hurt one of them, once the anger goes away.

 

[arkityp]

i don't relate to anyone, family or otherwise. i can only manage to dictate what's best for certain situations (when i'm asked my opinion). i grew up without parent(s), and with childhood abuse as well. my bio mom and i occasionally talk now, but it's not a mother-child relationship nor will it ever be. we are at best, acquaintance-friends. i am comfortable with that (it's not her that was entirely at fault) and don't recognize an internal need to develop something that was never there initially.

 

[Wisp]

Eh. My family is pseudo-f**ked. We pull through. WE're all IN, my sister (only sibling) is an FJ, My dad is INTJ, my mom is INTP, so naturally I clash with her most, right?

God.

 

[bumblebree]

I'm out of place in my family, the black sheep if you will. There are some problems, but I find if I don't dwell on them, it's easier.

 

[Eagle]

With family and most other people, I just go with the flow and try to be as nice and polite as possible. I have good parents, but it's a shame you can't pick your relatives. I have one that is a huge know-it-all that doesn't know what she's talking about on nearly everything. He can't accept being wrong after he knows he's wrong. I just keep my mouth shut and try not to laugh (Quakers were just a fad and Mennonite is the name of the Amish religion). Another one that believes a degree and connections is leaps and bounds more important in securing a job in a field than work experience and knowledge associated with the degree which really offended me.

 

[Fleur]

I have big family, and most of them are E and F types, and it`s very hard for me to communicate with most of them, especially with my younger sister (possible ESTP), mother (she`s some FJ type) and grandmother (ESFP?), thought I go well together with my father (he`s some kind of STJ or NTJ).

 

[Saturnine]

I've always had issues with my family...sometimes they are bad, and sometimes they are VERY bad...but they are pretty much all I have so we struggle to get along. Every day is a struggle!

 

[Radioactive_Springtime]

My family gets along rather well, aside from my father. But he has a bad back so its mostly because hes always in pain. We just don't have much cohesion.

 

[PreAlgebra]

My mother is an isfj. She respects me a lot and is very proud of me because she says that I am everything that she is not and wishes she was but she doesnt really understand me at all. She doesnt have the thinking capacity. My younger brother is an efsj we get along but we dont get along. That makes sense right? My Father, I dont know what he is and dont care. we do not get along at all. I have a hard time even being around him. We are on completely different wavelengths. None of them really understand me and I have a really hard time relating to any of them. To make things worse, my mother is a microbiologist, my farther is an aeronautical engineer, and my brother is a chemical engineer. I am a philosopher/artist. Talk about being a black sheep.

 

[shiftwalker]

I find I tend to wear masks. Meaning I change my personality type to be more compatible with other people. I have many "masks" as I call them and I use them for different occasions such as parties, home, or work. This allows me to keep people guessing so they never "think" they understand me. Which suits me fine. I fear if my family ever thought they under stood me it would lead to greater conflict.

Always remember even the best mask can be broken.

 

[Jordan~]

I always thought my mum was an ESFP, and the Socionics Type Assistant Turbo gave the same results, but talking to her, I think she may be an ISFP who's very good at the whole social chameleon thing. I think it might be an IP trait.

 

[Ogion]

Yeah, that could really be the case. Being introverted we mostly want to keep (random) people at bay, and there it is quite useful to be a little bit like a chameleon. It allows you to superficially have a discussion with someone, so you don't have to be unpolite in rejecting the discussion. And the perceiving gives us a bonus in seeing what to imitate.

Ogion

 

[Saturnine]

I can be a social chameleon if i want to *which is rare because I usually don't feel like it's worth the energy* and I would NEVER do it if it was expected of me...rebellion I guess? haha

 

[October]

I have problems with my family and I guess everybody has - if they wouldn't then that wouldn't be normal, would it? Anyway, the thing with my family is that I am a completely different personality from them, and that's hard to understand. I'm introverted, while they're extroverted. I don't shout, I don't yell, I do not like to express my feelings in any way other than writing - and when I do tell them how I feel towards a particular matter like how I was depressed all winter for example, they do not believe me. They don't. They even think I'm fooling around. Ha! Fooling around with this stuff! That's pretty serious and I was serious. But no, they didn't believe me and probably still don't.

Or with the stuff I write - my mum complained once that I don't show her what I write - I do not like to show people what I write, it's too personal and I'm private person as well - and when I finally showed her, she replied "But why do you write such sad poems? Write something happier" to which I was stunned. She clearly doesn't know me enough to know that I've always been a rather melancholic person - and that poem wasn't even sad, it was just...neutral. Differences like that irritate me to no hell.

And another major difference between me and my mother, father and older sister is that they all have been to IT colleges, all technical and always rational while I'm more inclined to the artistic side (even though if I'm at a maths & science highschool) and sometimes because of that I feel like the black sheep of the family, for not expressing enough desire in maths or computer science as I should - I like maths, but not enough to follow in their steps - plus, I express desire in other fields like Art, history, english, etc and I've finally decided to become an architect. That's pretty good, they're glad with that, they support my decision. But they think I shouldn't spend so much time with art/history/playing the piano/ that much, and focus more on maths. That's annoying as well.

Eh, that was rather long...I feel like a rock has gone off my heart.

 

[Ogion]

Hm, well. I suppose that is the case in most families. (At least when the kids don't want to do what the parents did/do).
I am a bit more lucky with parents regarding the intellectual freedom, but then they are really workaholics and probably can't undestand why i am so lazy They think i am lazy out of rebeldom or something. (Where i am in reality because i hate work which is just for the sake of work. Well, in fact i hate all work )

I do write as well, although just diary. And i wouldn't want to show it anyone too.

I feel like a rock has gone off my heart.

That is a good thing. Sort of the best thing a forum could do for you...

Ogion

 

[fullerene]

I'm introverted, while they're extroverted. I don't shout, I don't yell, I do not like to express my feelings in any way other than writing - and when I do tell them how I feel towards a particular matter like how I was depressed all winter for example, they do not believe me. They don't.

I actually had a somewhat similar situation. Years ago I was upset and depressed and toying with the idea of suicide here and there. It might have been chemically-induced because I was on some fairly dangerous acne medicine that's been known to have those kinds of side effects in rare cases... but I also coulda just been messed up. My mom was all "if you ever think this stuff's starting to affect you, or find yourself thinking differently, let us know right away." Then when I finally did she just kinda... blew it off as if I were joking \ (it was like 4 months into a 6 month thing... so I think she just reasoned that there couldn't be a correlation or I could push through it. Obviously I could, but the only reason it took so long to say was because I wasn't convinced myself that the medicine had anything to do with it, it came about gradually so I didn't want to say anything, and I'm uncomfortable talking about it anyway).

So I think I understand a little bit where you're coming from. It can be... catastrophic if you think that everyone thinks like your family does. In the very best case you just won't feel like ever sharing your feelings with anyone anymore. Hang in there though... you'll find people who are comfortable talking with you seriously eventually.

 

[Ermine]

I have problems with my family and I guess everybody has - if they wouldn't then that wouldn't be normal, would it? Anyway, the thing with my family is that I am a completely different personality from them, and that's hard to understand. I'm introverted, while they're extroverted. I don't shout, I don't yell, I do not like to express my feelings in any way other than writing - and when I do tell them how I feel towards a particular matter like how I was depressed all winter for example, they do not believe me. They don't. They even think I'm fooling around. Ha! Fooling around with this stuff! That's pretty serious and I was serious. But no, they didn't believe me and probably still don't.

Or with the stuff I write - my mum complained once that I don't show her what I write - I do not like to show people what I write, it's too personal and I'm private person as well - and when I finally showed her, she replied "But why do you write such sad poems? Write something happier" to which I was stunned. She clearly doesn't know me enough to know that I've always been a rather melancholic person - and that poem wasn't even sad, it was just...neutral. Differences like that irritate me to no hell.

And another major difference between me and my mother, father and older sister is that they all have been to IT colleges, all technical and always rational while I'm more inclined to the artistic side (even though if I'm at a maths & science highschool) and sometimes because of that I feel like the black sheep of the family, for not expressing enough desire in maths or computer science as I should - I like maths, but not enough to follow in their steps - plus, I express desire in other fields like Art, history, english, etc and I've finally decided to become an architect. That's pretty good, they're glad with that, they support my decision. But they think I shouldn't spend so much time with art/history/playing the piano/ that much, and focus more on maths. That's annoying as well.

Eh, that was rather long...I feel like a rock has gone off my heart.

You just took the words right out of my mouth. That's exactly how my relationship is with my mom. She doesn't understand why I'm so attracted to melancholy things though I have no outward reason to be melancholy. Also, she never takes me seriously whenever I make a social advance, just because she's used to me staying in my shell.

 

[IfloatTHRUlife]

i have a easy going lifestyle so any problems are mostly ignored. I'm still young so i deal with my mother very often. I don't know her exact personality and haven't tried to figure it out but she is often a very angry person and seems to feel unappreciated, i often ignore these feelings she has so she gets even more angry and i continue to ignore it. i don't have much contact with any of my family, my parents have been divorced for my whole life so my father doesn't talk to me very often which i don't mind. i was the youngest of 3 brothers, the oldest of which i don't talk to any more. My middle brother is probably my closest friend and or family, we had our problems when we were younger but it was mostly due to our personality's. He is an Intj and would often see me as stupid and still considers me inferior for my lack of ambition as opposed to his almost obsessive planning. We get along since we are both rational enough to see through each others differences. We often sit and discuss our thoughts about people we know and what we think about any certain subject which i think has been very healthy for me since i have grown up in an environment that has sheltered me and made me lazy which has potentially stunted my personal growth. just realized i have rambled a little bit..i think lol. Anyway i agree with what a couple people have mentioned about most feeling type parents not understanding a growing INTP and more then likely will never know what "makes us tick". It probably is a little more healthy to try to think of how your actions, however expressive or non expressive they are, affect your parents and you want them to know you love them, especially if they need to be told that which may be hard for some of us to do without being reminded.

Yet again...ive been rambling.... and ive lost my train of thought so im going to end this a little abruptly....lol

 

[Jordan~]

Hurrah, a fellow rambler/train-of-thought-loser. :P

I actually forget the point I was trying to make because I go into too much detail sometimes. Even when talking.

 

[IfloatTHRUlife]

Yeah i always forget stuff in the middle of thinking about something. I mostly forget a main detail then in my attempts to remember that detail i lose my complete train of thought.
So very exhausting to try to remember such things too... i often just give up lol

 

[grettiron]

i had some adolescent rebellion problems once, but now things are pretty peaceable with my folks. i also don't live with either of them anymore. you could say i'm pretty indifferent.

one close friend calls me a shitty brother, because i don't really know what's going on in my bro's life. i get called a bad son a lot because i almost never return my mother's phone calls. or my father's for that matter.

don't get me wrong, i would probably be wrecked for a while if anyone died.

 

[severus]

You know what I hate? (And maybe this isn't the appropriate place for it.) I hate it when people ask me what's wrong. NOTHING is wrong! And even if there is, I wouldn't tell you about it. My mom asks me that all the time because I'm "being so quiet." I am always quiet. wtf.
My dad was an alcoholic and that made my early years rather unpleasent, but he died a couple years back. I wasn't really sad about it, awful as it sounds. Life is better now.
I have two brothers and a sister all of whom are thirteen or more years older than I am. Don't see much of them. I like my brothers, but my sister is neurotic. She's always stressed and freaking out about the littlest things. Having two small children does not help her sensitive sanity. And her husband's a real jerk. Mistreats animals, swears a lot, has no understanding of personal privacy.
And my ma always nags at me about visiting with her and everyone else. Now she keeps asking me why I don't have my "friends" over. (Summer now, no school, lots of free time.) Blantantly ignoring my obvious introversion. Then mocking me as I awaited a return letter from an acquaintance of mine. Because he's a guy, no doubt.

On an unrelated note, I have stopped answering the phone when my mom is out. Screw people. "Is your mom there?" No. "Have her call me back." I could just as easily go through the caller ID and not have to deal with your disgusting attempts at conversation. ("Soooooo whatcha doin?" Nothing.)

 

[Ogion]

Your input is fine here, since it is about family. But there is a "Shout Thread" (or Shout Club?) where one can let of some byte-steam

Ogion

 

[Fleur]

I hate it when people ask me what's wrong. NOTHING is wrong!

Same here - people always says, that I look "sad" or "lonely", but I`m just thinking, and it`s only an expression.
The most annoying cases are when people decides "to take care for little sad thing, who quetly sits in corner". I like to be alone, but they just aren`t able to understand it.

 

[fullerene]

That's interesting... very interesting.

Perhaps this should be a new thread... but do you guys... er, I guess you were both girls, who get annoyed when someone asks you when something's wrong when nothing is, also get annoyed when someone asks you what's wrong when something actually is wrong? I ask because I felt about the same way until (after a long time) finally something important enough was wrong that I would have liked to talk to someone about... but by then nobody bothered asking, and even day by day I was itching to talk to someone, but couldn't bring myself to start it up.

So does it bother you that people ask all the time, or does it just bother you because they're asking based on the bad premise that they think wanting to be alone means something's wrong?

 

[Raison D'etre]

People often misinterpret my expressions as well. However, half of the time it looks like I'm angry, frustrated, and other negative expressions, so a lot of my classmates thought I was lonely and malicious. I find these occasions to be funny... most of the time anyways.

 

[Agent Intellect]

its near impossible for me to start talking to someone else about "whats wrong", but i often times find myself secretly hoping that someone else will ask me "whats wrong" if something is wrong, even though i'd probably simply say "nothing" if they did lol.

 

[fullerene]

haha you have no idea how much I was hoping someone would say exactly that.

 

[severus]

That's interesting... very interesting.

Perhaps this should be a new thread... but do you guys... er, I guess you were both girls, who get annoyed when someone asks you when something's wrong when nothing is, also get annoyed when someone asks you what's wrong when something actually is wrong? I ask because I felt about the same way until (after a long time) finally something important enough was wrong that I would have liked to talk to someone about... but by then nobody bothered asking, and even day by day I was itching to talk to someone, but couldn't bring myself to start it up.

So does it bother you that people ask all the time, or does it just bother you because they're asking based on the bad premise that they think wanting to be alone means something's wrong?

Both. Usually nothing is wrong, though. But its like, do they actually think I'll open up to them? They must not know me well at all.

 

[Wisp]

But occasionally they may strike gold. You may actually talk to them... It happens occasionally... but then my mother is an INTP, albeit a weak T type, which makes her identify with my sister (INFJ) Who ironically looks like my father, while I look more like my mother, while I indentify with my father who is an IXTX, and is a computer... person, which is in fact, one of my few passions.

Ironically, I'm closer to an INTJ friend of mine with a penchant for sharp things... eeek!

 

[grrreg]

i was more about the getting asked 'what's wrong' when i was younger but now i've developed my fake smile for people when they say hi in the morning so they just leave me alone. !

 

[Fleur]

Fake smile? I haven`t tried it... Most times, when I want people to leave me alone, I just say something mean. It`s quite effective.

 

[grrreg]

Fake smile? I haven`t tried it... Most times, when I want people to leave me alone, I just say something mean. It`s quite effective.

yes, but unless you're the boss, it doesn't quite work at work