INTP & loneliness?

[sealslayer19]

I've recently discovered just what was causing my trouble merging with the rest of my classmates; seems like I just prefer solitude, which I suppose is a given since I'm an INTP. I'm just wondering about how those of you in relationship deal with the ball and chain, and how do those surviving on their own deal with the occasional loneliness.

I've experimented over the last year, and despite making decent progress with the girl I like, I still bailed at the 11th hour when it hit me how irritating and frustrating it can get to allow another person to interfere with my life.

I'm a few days short of 21 and I'm worried I'll be plagued by this question for the rest of my life.

Oh, and I am so very, very thankful towards whatever powers-that-be that had me find this forum. I've been dying to ask some of these questions, but those around me have no idea what a curse it is to have a brain that refuses to stop overthinking.

x____x

 

[snowqueen]

Hi sealslayer and welcome to the forum.

I live in a house with my two teenage children and my elderly mother and my answer to your question is - badly!! I would much rather live on my own or with another person who keeps to themselves a lot of the time. Actually my older daughter is IXTX and we get on very well because we both end up in our own rooms or when we're around each other we simply don't talk much, except when there's something we want to discuss.

I enjoy driving and going for long walks because of the solitude it affords me. I avoid spending time around garrulous people as much as possible.

As far as relationships go, I'm the last person to give you advice as you'll probably work out if you stick around here

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

Welcome seal.

I live alone (with two cats) in a nice house in a nice small town. Suits me perfectly. I do have a gf and she has her own house. It is best this way and I think we are happier because of it. I for one have always had difficulty living with other people. I can handle maybe 6 months and then I start getting irritated with their every quirk. The trick is to not except the other as a ball and chain. If you can't make your gf understand that you have certain needs and boundries, you may need to look elsewhere.

 

[Black Pat]

"Setting boundaries" is great advice, but make sure it doesn't come off "insensitively" (I know, I know- just do it this one time). I once more or less squelched a relationship with overly-aggressive boundary setting (and here I thought I was "opening up"; usually I'd set the boundaries without saying anything and be misunderstood.)

Other advice: date an extrovert - they will occasionally go out with their myriad friends while you stay home and read. Everyone wins: she interacts, you introvert.

As far as "occasional loneliness": keep up your extroverted friendships; you'll always be meeting new people or at least being presented with different opportunities. You don't ALWAYS have to go out, but you do have to SOMETIMES go out. Being an introverted thinker isn't an excuse to stop putting yourself in strange situations; in fact INTPs should theoretically enjoy pushing their personal boundaries.

 

[sealslayer19]

Well I do like to go chill and relax with buddies once or twice a week, but when it comes to romance, I've found that "let's just see each other once or twice a week" just doesn't quite cut it. I've found that the women, or rather girls, around my age tend to want more than just a weekly date. But then again maybe it's just my taste in women; cute and needy, haha.

 

[Black Pat]

Ah...This is helpful. So what you're really keen on is an ENFP woman. Cute, bubbly and "needy", yes, but you can spend hours in conversation letting your _N_P go crazy together. You will not consider this "interfering with your life" because you'll be speculating, analyzing, and refining your ideas using _N_P while getting insights into where your T-based ideas fail to account for how half of the population makes decisions (F people). "Speculating" is something you'd be doing anyway because you're _N_P, so again, this isn't "interfering" with your life and yet still dating a "cute, 'needy'" woman.

After you have a conversation, she will assuredly, ASSUREDLY want to go talk to someone else while you stay home and think about how the previous conversation fits into your thought scheme.

 

[Vrecknidj]

I'm just wondering about how those of you in relationship deal with the ball and chain,

I've been married almost 21 years and am still madly in love with my wife. We're both introverts, and we both need our brief periods of near-complete isolation, but most of the time, I prefer her company to the lack of it. I completely understand that not everyone else is this lucky.

and how do those surviving on their own deal with the occasional loneliness.

Nevertheless, the first 20 or so years of my life were spent coping with a great deal of isolation. As a small boy, I was plagued by a loneliness that could not be assuaged. Sadly, my father pulled this line on me in the middle of one night: "You can't be lonely because God is with you!" (If anything could have turned me against religious beliefs, that should have done it.) My parents had a few other feeble attempts to help me, but nothing worked. Plain and simple, I just suffered with it.

I've experimented over the last year, and despite making decent progress with the girl I like, I still bailed at the 11th hour when it hit me how irritating and frustrating it can get to allow another person to interfere with my life.

I have a close friend who is an INTP who recently divorced. In his own case, he claims to be much happier now because he doesn't have to put up with someone else's problems and drama. I understand how this might be so. I suppose that if someone serves to bother you rather than fulfill you, then being in a long-term relationship with that person might not be good for you.

I'm a few days short of 21 and I'm worried I'll be plagued by this question for the rest of my life.

I'll tell you what. Write all this stuff in a letter to yourself, put it in an envelope, seal it, and write "Don't open until you're 25" on the outside. When you're 25, open it, read it, and see what you think. If you are in the same position, put it in another envelope, re-seal it, give yourself another 5 years, etc. Things change.

Oh, and I am so very, very thankful towards whatever powers-that-be that had me find this forum. I've been dying to ask some of these questions, but those around me have no idea what a curse it is to have a brain that refuses to stop overthinking.

You are among like-minded, generally courteous folks here.

Welcome.

Dave

 

[Vrecknidj]

"Setting boundaries" is great advice...

QFT

Other advice: date an extrovert - they will occasionally go out with their myriad friends while you stay home and read. Everyone wins: she interacts, you introvert.

QFT

As far as "occasional loneliness": keep up your extroverted friendships; you'll always be meeting new people or at least being presented with different opportunities. You don't ALWAYS have to go out, but you do have to SOMETIMES go out. Being an introverted thinker isn't an excuse to stop putting yourself in strange situations; in fact INTPs should theoretically enjoy pushing their personal boundaries.

QFT

Wow, this is a sign. I'm in complete agreement here. Listen to Black Pat, Black Pat's a genius.



Dave

 

[Ermine]

Greetings Sealslayer. I recently discovered a way to alleviate loneliness without requiring commitment. I'm in college and have to walk a lot to get to classes, so while I'm walking, I occasionally start walking beside someone who seems to be going in the same direction and just start talking to them. It's not the most interesting conversation in the world, but it's good social exercise for me and alleviates the loneliness. and I'm not obligated to see them again, but it's alright if I do. The fact that I'm doing this while walking to classes also affords me my introvert time.

This would be a good way of pushing personal boundaries. Before I left for college, I wouldn't have dared do this.

 

[echoplex]

I feel the same way, seal. I've weened myself from worrying about it too much, but the stress is still there. I sometimes experience touch-hunger, and especially conversation-that-isn't-just-small-talk hunger. :sigh: I know good and well my habits are not healthy.

and welcome...

 

[Ghost1986]

I am alone all the time. Most of the time I am ok with it but sometimes I feel it would be nice to have other people around. Problem it I dislike most of the people around and the few people I like are over 2 hours away. I have tried to make friends and to integrate in to groups but it never works. It’s always my fault too. I will interact with the group and get the feeling that people either don’t like me or are plotting against me even if it’s completely obvious they are not. I also tent o get what might be called speakers remorse. I will say or comment on something d right after I finish I wish I would take it back. Same thing happens here as well. It’s why I am trying to visit less and less. To make things worse I have actively worked against people who try to make friends with me. I feel as if the only want to use me.

Paranoia sucks. This could be a long 4 years possibly 8 long years.

On the positive side I am getting better at my guitar. This next term I am also taking a hiking class. Perhaps ill make friends then.

 

[Beat Mango]

I share a small bedroom with an ESFJ brother, in a small two bedroom apartment with an ISTJ uncle and ISFJ aunt. You should all pity my suffering!!

What's helped me recently is letting them know when I'm in "introvert mode". I go in the sunroom or out on the balcony, and this means that I don't want to talk to anyone. They don't have to take it personally, it's just that I just really don't want to talk to anyone. Not even if it was Megan Fox (ok, maybe Megan Fox). Eventually I'll have to get my own place, but this keeps things somewhat tolerable in the meantime.

 

[sealslayer19]

Thanks guys for some amazing insight and wisdom .

 

[Kuu]

I am only occasionally alone; nevertheless I am permanently lonely no matter how numerous the company.

 

[The Fury]

I can't say that I've ever been plagued with lonliness. I enjoy my solitude but also enjoy meeting with friends once or twice a week.

Other advice: date an extrovert - they will occasionally go out with their myriad friends while you stay home and read. Everyone wins: she interacts, you introvert.

I have to completely disagree with this advice. Unless the extrovert your involved with is either very mature or understands you a great deal they'll want to spend more time than you can tolerate with them . Also most times they go out, they will want you along for the ride. While this can be great as you'll be forced into new experiences, being constantly bugged to go out can get incredibly irritating.

 

[weaverl2]

Hi,

I agree with those who suggested trying things outside your comfort zone- talking to strangers once in a while, making (ugh) small talk because the convo could turn more interesting. As for loneliness, everyone feels it sometimes- I am married w/2 kids and amazingly I manage to feel lonely once in a while! Also, I am 30 and when I was your age I was very isolated and lonely a lot but over the years I just got more comfortable with people gradually, out of necessity. I tended to take on extravert jobs (receptionist, teacher) because they gave me a chance to interact with people in a structured way. I used to have very weak Fe but that has gotten better with time and experience. Also, when I was your age, with romantic relationships I did a lot of "push-pull": wanting intimacy but pushing people away. I often felt confused about what I wanted but eventually I met my husband and being an introvert himself, he understands and encourages my alone time. Though I do think dating an 'E' could work too.
Not sure if this applies to your situation but I hope it works out for you. I used to hate the answer 'Give it time' but I guess that's kinda what I'm saying.

Peace!

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

I love feeling alone in groups of people *sarcasm* I kinda hate the people that can socialize easily out of some sort of weird jealous type feeling. Its just as well though, 90% of people are probably poisonous to me anyways. Sometimes I think I am allergic to most people. In theory each person has a different balance of yeasts, molds, and bacteria in their body so maybe this has a lot more to do with interactions between people than most would ever consider. I think this has a lot to do with generation of STDs as well. If people were more aware of compatibilities I think STDs would rarely exist.

 

[Carnap]

An expensive solution is travelling. It takes care of a need to interact and a need for learning all in one, without commitment. Especially if you like learning languages.

 

[sealslayer19]

An expensive solution is travelling. It takes care of a need to interact and a need for learning all in one, without commitment. Especially if you like learning languages.

I'm getting a certificate in TEFL to travel and teach english after I complete my bachelors, so that's something I'm looking forward.

I think my biggest problem is that I possess odd contradicting feelings of wanting to socialize yet easily irritated by people.

Hopefully in time this will change, but if there's one thing I do know about myself it's that patience is virtue I'll never attain, heh.

 

[shoeless]

i dunno, i guess i'm a social intp, because even though it kicks the shit out of me, i enjoy being with people that i'm comfortable with. i use my alone time to recharge my batteries.

i spent the last three years of my life basically completely alone (i mean relationship wise), and i was miserable. i've recently rediscovered the joys of being (physically) close with somebody, and there is nothing, i swear, NOTHING in the world like cuddling. it's relaxing, because it's like being alone, except with somebody, so you're not lonely. i don't know, i'm in a new relationship now, and maybe it's just the new relationship jitters, but i'm already missing him and it's been two days.

i dunno. i'm very nearly an F i think. that might have a lot to do with it. but i'm definitly a functioning Ti, so... well, i dunno.

maybe in a few months he'll be a bother. guess we'll just wait and see.

 

[Waterstiller]

Cuddling is heavenly.

 

[Vegard Pompey]

How do I deal with loneliness? Alright, I guess. Like most INTPs I know how to entertain myself and I have plenty of hobbies that can be enjoyed or are perhaps even best enjoyed in solitude. But unlike most INTPs I'm not very content with the situation at all. I want to love and be loved rather badly, which is one of the reasons why I've started to think I might be F lately.

 

[snowqueen]

shoeless - enjoy every minute of it - don't analyse it and don't second guess him or the situation! Even INTPs can have fuzzy cuddly feelings!

 

[So Long So Long]

I am only occasionally alone; nevertheless I am permanently lonely no matter how numerous the company.

I feel the exact same way (Most of the time anyways). Sometimes I get really close to feeling like I belong to a conversation or that I'm apart of something bigger than myself, but it's almost as though there's a fog or facade between me and the rest of the world. Worst of all I can't penetrate it even if I wanted to.

How do I deal with loneliness? Alright, I guess. Like most INTPs I know how to entertain myself and I have plenty of hobbies that can be enjoyed or are perhaps even best enjoyed in solitude. But unlike most INTPs I'm not very content with the situation at all. I want to love and be loved rather badly, which is one of the reasons why I've started to think I might be F lately.

It's probably your Fi and Ti being pretty close to each other. Though I could be wrong.

I used to think that if I had enough things to do, enough things to write, things to read, things to explore that I wouldn't feel so empty or lonely on the inside. I figured that if I did this that I wouldn't really need human company ship or anything because I would have enough stuff to do that there wouldn't be anytime to converse with another person or start a relationship.

However, as much as I hate to admit it, I was wrong.

I've learned in the past couple of months that to ever survive or get anywhere in this world you need friends of some kind. Yes, even we need friends. I myself love to be alone and reflect on things and think of epic ideas and discover new things, but... friend's can be good at times, even if they do end up draining me.

I was petrified at the beginning of this school year because I just knew I would be alone yet again, but amazingly I'm not. I've found some pretty like-minded people and it's a good start.

As for relationships? I will definitely need my time alone, otherwise I will be very cranky. I hope to find another introverted woman, though, so that she'll understand. Although Extroverted would be fine as well, just so long as she doesn't push me to go out with her to a party every night. -shrug-

 

[snowqueen]

But unlike most INTPs I'm not very content with the situation at all. I want to love and be loved rather badly, which is one of the reasons why I've started to think I might be F lately.

I don't think the desire to love and be loved is incompatible with being INTP or a sign that you are F. I don't think those sorts of things are to do with temperament per se. The way you approach this more likely to be indicative of your preferences. An INTP will probably approach love in a rather logical way but with hopeless strategic planning!! Unfortunately other people don't follow logic which is where we tend to fall down.

 

[-Z-]

I agree.
Being an INTP is not about having no feelings at all, it's more about not accounting them while making your decisions.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

How do I deal with loneliness? Alright, I guess. Like most INTPs I know how to entertain myself and I have plenty of hobbies that can be enjoyed or are perhaps even best enjoyed in solitude. But unlike most INTPs I'm not very content with the situation at all. I want to love and be loved rather badly, which is one of the reasons why I've started to think I might be F lately.

Supposedly the hidden agenda (according to socionics) of the INTP is to love.

Type and the hidden agenda
by Sergei Ganin

Every person has a hidden agenda. This agenda often governs one's intentions and behaviour. People are often unaware of its origin, but can always feel its significance. Some people are more affected by it than other people. Every type requires an optimal condition in which it can function properly. If such a condition does not exist, a person will normally attempt to create it. However, due to the nature of the hidden agenda, if and when the optimal condition is reached, the person will occasionally put themselves in a situation where the stability of this condition is threatened.

There are eight such agendas/optimal conditions:

ENTp, ESTp => to be loved
INTj, INFj => to be healthy
ESFj, ESTj => to be perfect
ISFp, INFp => to understand
ENFj, ENTj => to be wealthy
ISTj, ISFj => to believe
ESFp, ENFp => to know
INTp, ISTp => to love

The ability to recognise these hidden agendas in people is quite helpful in type identification. Moreover, these agendas are also directly connected with some personal problems an individual might have.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

Your hidden agenda is something you wish you had as strong but never will nor can.
According to theory that is.

It fits the Recluse Archetype too.

 

[Death]

Supposedly the hidden agenda (according to socionics) of the INTP is to love.

Socionic's INTp is not equals to MBTI INTP,but it rings very true for me nevertheless.

However, as much as I hate to admit it, I was wrong.

I've learned in the past couple of months that to ever survive or get anywhere in this world you need friends of some kind. Yes, even we need friends. I myself love to be alone and reflect on things and think of epic ideas and discover new things, but... friend's can be good at times, even if they do end up draining me.

I was petrified at the beginning of this school year because I just knew I would be alone yet again, but amazingly I'm not. I've found some pretty like-minded people and it's a good start.

I definitely agree with this part,unable to find a kindred spirit after some time 'extraverting' myself for the purpose of socializing is what makes me very lonely at heart.

 

[zmcintyre]

I've found that directing my socializing toward organizations and work has been the best thing, the context of the situation helps me socialize and if i need to i can isolate it to that organization. I like to keep my house away from most people (except close friends) i do live with a roomate who is also INTP so it works nicely, it's a quiet house.

I put a lot of time into photography and i work for a newspaper so i do most of my socializing there, talking about the paper and news and then i get to go be alone in public taking photos!

oh so i just saw cuddling was important, i think so too, or sex.

 

[Beat Mango]

It fits the Recluse Archetype too.

That's cool. I like how it's got Hamlet and James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause as recluses. Holden Caulfield is an interesting character as well.

 

[-Z-]

For me, solitude is a time when I recharge my batteries and do intellectual pursuits. During that time I don't like to be bothered by anyone, but after I'm done with it socializing and meeting other people is desireable, not only because I find it pleasing, but also because it somehow boosts my creativity. Smaller groups of close friends with potential for an interesting discussion are quite enjoyable despite the fact they drain me pretty fast. Things I can't stand and try to avoid are small talk and gossip which kind of come in abundance when it comes to large parties or similar events including big groups of people.

I definitely agree with this part,unable to find a kindred spirit after some time 'extraverting' myself for the purpose of socializing is what makes me very lonely at heart.

I can really identify with this seeing my existance split between the urge to be alone and learn/build something, and the need to be truly understood and loved by someone.
Balance between these two seems like a key to a happy lNTP life.

 

[fenrisulf]

Quote-Black Pat-
Other advice: date an extrovert - they will occasionally go out with their myriad friends while you stay home and read. Everyone wins: she interacts, you introvert.

I have to say, I completely disagree with this. I'm currently in a relationship with a fellow INTP, and even too much time spent with him can be draining! I can't imagine what being with an extrovert would be like, with their tendancy to expect you to interact with them constantly.

Also, if you're with another intovert, your conversations get a lot more interesting. Instead of having to constantly be thinking on your feet about responses to an extrovert's continual talking, you can sit back and really listen to what the other introvert is saying, with the knowledge that they will give you time to think about your response.

About lonliness, yah, been there, that's for sure. All I can say is try to find a group of friends that will let you interact when you want, and give you space when you want it too. Then it's nice when they call to check up on you!
Also, if you can, try to find people who are good at reading others, or who are empathetic, because they end up knowing/understanding you far better than other people as they don't need much verbal communication to see that stuff.
Knowing someone else understands you almost completely helps kill the lonliness.

 

[shadowdrums4]

Loneliness I understand completely. I think that secret agenda to be loved is definitely there. I had a boyfriend who was and ENFP. He understood that I needed my alone time. We were friends for 6 years and dated on and off for 2. He'd come over and he could tell by my face whether or not I wanted to see him. He'd ask "What do you feel like doing?" the answer was usually a walk. During that walk he was completely quiet until I found a spot to sit. Then he stayed quiet waiting for me to voice something going through my head. Then we'd have great conversations. When he wanted me at a party, the party was no bigger than 8 or 9 people besides us. I also knew every person there or he didn't bother inviting me. This way I had the option of socializing in small groups with people I knew or if I sat on my own a while, everyone knew not to bother me. Finally, he learned my signs that I needed to leave and be alone or just with him. Unfortunately I lost this amazing guy to death. I'd rather not go into it more than that though. So can it work with an extrovert? Yes. They need to be very understanding and of course you have to love them. I don't think due to my trust issues that I could be in a relationship with someone who is not a friend first. I am at a loss there because making friends isn't something I'm great at. I have 2 maybe 3 friends right now that I want to be close with and can't because of everything that's happened. It's just too early for me to open up to them yet. I am trying. It's very lonely like this. One friend thinks the biggest cause of my depression is loneliness. This is possible because I miss Jake so much. I would give anything to be with him again. It's strange to me though because I do enjoy being alone and I used to send him away sometimes because I didn't want to see anybody or let him sit with me because I knew he wouldn't interrupt my thought train. I'm rambling.

It's possible that's my point. If you truly love them, as you get to know each other, boundaries will be set. They will catch your personal signs and act on it but you have to do the same for them as well. Occasionally I went to parties where there were 2 people I didn't know. I put up walls away from them and stuck with Jake the whole time. He was my protection against those who I didn't trust. I'm never used to being taken care of but he did a good job of seeing I needed it, even when I didn't. Don't give up on it. It won't haunt you forever. The feeling of love is worth it. I promise. Dang I miss him.

 

[Geminii]

For several years, I and my girlfriend shared various houses but generally had separate bedrooms, bathrooms, and studies. We could chat and snuggle in the shared areas of the house, but always had our retreats to drift off to if we needed more downtime.

 

[soraya]

I'm going to echo fenrisulf here. Extroverts just drain me so badly and I can only take it in very small doses. My extroverted friends aren't content to go out and leave me alone when I want to be alone. They want to take me with them or worse, they go out and bring other people back to the apartment. No amount of explaining how I am seems to help and they demand more from me in the social realm than I am possibly capable of giving.

I'm INTJ and one of the HUGE reasons I like INTPs so much is a shared need for isolation. My kind-of-relationship-person and I get along so well because we both enjoy being alone together, (it's like a mind meld) if that makes any sense. Also, we both know that we need time to ourselves and respect that. Our communication is really good so neither of us have a problem telling the other we need to be alone as we both understand and have that need.

I understand the whole loneliness thing though. For a long time I thought I would never be able to be with someone because nobody understood my need to be alone. Boyfriends would get pissed because I didn't want to talk to them every day, etc. Now I've found someone that I can be alone with and it's really nice.