INTP/INTJ dating...or atleast trying....HALP.

[Intjfemale]

So I've got an INTP male in my scope here. This INTJ/INTP interaction has been awesomely awkward and confusing to say the least. I'm not sure if he is super interested or wants anything with me. We hook up and have really awesome intimate experiences and he usually wants me to spend the night afterwards...he also usually wants me to initiate these sexual experiences. He won't have sex with me unless I tell him I want to. He invites me to have dinner with him maybe 1-2 times a week... Sometime he messages me frequently and other times he doesn't reply at all.... Last week he told me a story of how a stranger was commenting on his awesome muscles and was saying "oh bet you have a girlfriend, bet she's cute" to which he told the stranger "well there is a girl that i'm talking to...she's cute, yeah". And then he said to me "I was talking about YOU by the way". He also frequently tells me that all of his fiends think i'm hot/really cool. As an INTJ i know I lack on my social graces and my flirting is god awful. I just don't know how to proceed with things. I'd like to be exclusive/dating but i'm not sure how to bring that up to him without scaring him off, if that should even be a concern? Am I just a bootycall or what? Oh, and we're in college. We're both 21. I know we're super young but I'd like to date him and want to know how I should proceed.

 

[Methodician]

I had a relationship with an INTJ that was a lot like you describe, except I was like 23 and she was about 27. We met online through a dating site. She usually initiated anything intimate or sexual because, at that point in my life, I had zero clue how to do so. I wanted to have an exclusive/real relationship with her but so far as I could tell she wasn't interested in that, and I didn't want to scare HER off.

you're both introverted rationals. You just need to be direct. Talk it out. "hey, I've been thinking... where is this going?" You could even be MORE direct than that, depending on the protocol existing between you. When he answers, reach deep inside and see what your emotions/feelings are saying about the whole thing. If he wants something serious, be sure you do. If he doesn't, check yourself and see if that's okay with you or not.

Hate to complicate matters but if he says no, it might not be true. He might just not know... INTP's can be very indecisive and committing to anything is scary and confusing.

 

[The Gopher]

I would be wary of the fiends. Could be trying to steal your soul. You could even try elicitation. Often people say "be direct" and that has merit however I have found being direct with INTP's often freaks them out if they are unsure/have no time to think.

 

[Suicicidad]

Patch him, honestly.

 

[Cherry Cola]

Don't rush things and don't be afraid to talk about the nature of your relationship explicitly if you need, avoid ambuigity. Learn to do the latter without any drama and you're good to go? I think.

 

[Happy]

LOL sounds like what I'm doing to someone at the moment.

If he's anything like I was at 21, he probably likes you, but is being a dong. He's probably oblivious.

Or, if he's anything like me now, he's screwing you around deliberately for his own amusement.

Luckily for you, I'd put my money on it being the former.

My advice - dont explicitly tell him you want to have sex - rather make a couple of subtle (read: obvious) hints.

Also, invite him for a date and assert some control rather than having him do all the work.

Also, that story he told you, yeah that was him telling you he was interested. That part where he said his friends think you're hot/really cool - yeah thats him saying his friends suggested you two get together.

Also, text messaging doesn't mean shit - that whole idea where text messages are important - yeah that's a chick thing.

 

[Methodician]

I disagree on text messages, especially being all intp. Data is data. It means more conveyed verbally but text has a perhaps more powerful effect. it's more concrete. There's no going back on a text.it's always pre mediated.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

 

[Happy]

I disagree on text messages, especially being all intp. Data is data. It means more conveyed verbally but text has a perhaps more powerful effect. it's more concrete. There's no going back on a text.it's always pre mediated.

I agree with you on that - in general - just not in this context:

Sometime he messages me frequently and other times he doesn't reply at all....

Frequency of text messages doesn't mean that much. In fact, I'd say its a positive. He's probably not a clingy weirdo.

 

[Duxwing]

Awww! Young love. I suggest 'taking a step back' from the situation and first considering your wants, goals, and limits; e.g.,, how much intimacy do you require, how much intimacy do you want, and how much intimacy can you tolerate? Next figure out how to get what you want and avoid what you don't while upholding your ethical virtues; e.g., if you want him to be more direct with his communication, then discuss general communication with him and resolve remaining problems in detail. Finally, determine whether your results are satisfactory. For a general-case problem-solving framework, see The Engineering Design Process.

With the problem solved in the general case, consider the following likely truths about your INTP:

-Ti is to him like Fi is to INFPs. Both types deeply require authenticity and autonomy because they experience their decisions, whether value or logic-based, with extreme intensity. Generally give him freedom to consider whatever decisions you ask of him.

-He is emotionally immature and likely always will be, desiring a simple, calm relationship and fearing harshness. Imagine him to be a puff-ball that just wants to love someone forever 'n' ever 'n never let go, whining and purring included. Also, expect that his emotions will sometimes cloud his judgment without his knowledge; fortunately, he likely is so logical that his logical fallacies beyond expert matters usually are due to emotional problems, revealing them.

-If he is dropping hints about "girlfriend," then he likes you more than you know, probably thinking of you constantly and wanting you to stay around. He probably also fears losing you and the crush he likely has, and he likely is gauging your interest by your degree of reciprocation to his sexual advances and compliments.

Overall, I think you two like each other dearly and should confess your feelings when both of you have plenty of time (both alone and together) to decide what to do. I wish you two the best.

And remember, *croaks* we want grryyyaaandchildren!
-Duxwing

 

[Base groove]

INTPs are more distant/unavailable than INTJ. I don't expect they'd be a good match in long-term romance (myself an INTJ). INTJs would be happier and more fulfilled/able to contribute effectively with an Fi-dominant perhaps.

All that being said ..... given his age, gender, and the things he's saying... ignoring his type ....I think it's pretty clear that he likes you and wants exactly what you want, and is equally unable to express it to you because you might be exhibiting reduced/shallow affect towards his affectionate advances, when they happen.

It did occur to me briefly that he might want to organize an event with you and all of his friends. Just a warning that ... I have ideas like this

Good day.

 

[Cherry Cola]

Another piece of advice is just get on with what you want to do. When it comes to relationships you learn by doing, if you want to date this guy then by all means do so. Worst thing that can happen is you eventually end up alone again, wiser and better equipped for future relationships.

I mean the hints he drops make it sound like he clearly wants to date you anyway but is too scared to say it out loud, he probably doesn't want to come off as insecure around you so hence he plays it cool and doesn't act as that would probably reveal his insecurities. Not that those insecurities are hidden anyway, but you know.

 

[Intjfemale]

Wow! Thank you so much to everyone for all of the replies and taking the time to hear me out. I'm god awful with theae types of things, truly. "Obvious" signs never come off that obvious to me...unless someone literally says HEY I LIKE YOU. Us INTJ types are notoriously bad at dating. It seems like I def need to be more open and welcoming and respond very positively to his little offhand "advances". Haha I honestly love the tangled web that this has become...the two of us trying to decipher the other's coyness. I feel fairly confident moving forward. He asked me to get dinner with him tomorrow.... Actually now I feel silly for ever questioning if he was interested in me. Weird INTJ brain, just stop. While I do recognize this might not be a super fulfilling long term relationship, I really enjoy being goofy with him and having out weird conversations and we are very compatible sexually. Serious chemistry.

 

[Duxwing]

Why do you think a relationship with him would "not be... super fulfilling"? Such questions as this one should be carefully worded: negation by denial of opposite position can create false dichotomies between the position and everything else, eliminating the possibility of a gradient or multiple choices.

Furthermore, any INTP relationship can fulfill if its parties compromise. In an INTJ-INTP relationship, INTJs should be affectionate and INTPs should recognize the INTJ's limits.

Finally, he probably will not want a relationship that will not be fulfilling for both parties, and you should therefore tell him your relational plans. Be prepared for tears.

-Duxwing

 

[Ex-User (8886)]

You just need to be direct.

this

 

[Cherry Cola]

Why do you think a relationship with him would "not be... super fulfilling"? Such questions as this one should be carefully worded: negation by denial of opposite position can create false dichotomies between the position and everything else, eliminating the possibility of a gradient or multiple choices.

Furthermore, any INTP relationship can fulfill if its parties compromise. In an INTJ-INTP relationship, INTJs should be affectionate and INTPs should recognize the INTJ's limits.

Finally, he probably will not want a relationship that will not be fulfilling for both parties, and you should therefore tell him your relational plans. Be prepared for tears.

-Duxwing

Valid in a vacuum ^

Do not listen to this shit

 

[Duxwing]

Valid in a vacuum ^

Do not listen to this shit

Explain.

-Duxwing

 

[Spirit]

ISTP dating INTJ

Be direct but watch your tendency to judge and correct.

 

[Cherry Cola]

Explain.

-Duxwing

You're giving relationship advice as if though it were a matter of calculus within a confined system. Hence "valid in a vacuum".

As a consequence you end up discouraging INTJfemale from pursuing the relationship altogether on the basis of 1 speculative statement made by her; notwithstanding, all the other things she has written. Ignoring also the fact that if she and him want to be together like they seem to do, they probably should. Seeing as they seem to enjoy one another's company and fit together well enough. The fact the relationship might not be "super fulfilling" is hardly sufficient reason to call it quits. You do learn from experience when it comes to relationships. As I said before, the worst thing that can come of this is that they both end up alone again but wiser and better equipped for future relationships.

Oh and INTJfemale, I noticed you wondered in the OP if you were "just a bootycall", it doesn't sound like you are as far as I can tell.

 

[Trebuchet]

As an INTP in an INTP/INTJ relationship, I can say that this can work. It might not for everyone, but that pairing is actually really good if you can negotiate ways to communicate.

Our cognitive functions might not match, but our communication styles pretty much do, as long as both people are willing to be direct and patient with the other.

Just be as clear and honest as you can about what you want. And don't go too fast. INTPs can be really slow to form relationships, but once we do, we tend to stick around.

 

[Base groove]

Spoiler

Awww! Young love. I suggest 'taking a step back' from the situation and first considering your wants, goals, and limits; e.g.,, how much intimacy do you require, how much intimacy do you want, and how much intimacy can you tolerate? Next figure out how to get what you want and avoid what you don't while upholding your ethical virtues; e.g., if you want him to be more direct with his communication, then discuss general communication with him and resolve remaining problems in detail. Finally, determine whether your results are satisfactory. For a general-case problem-solving framework, see The Engineering Design Process.

With the problem solved in the general case, consider the following likely truths about your INTP:

-Ti is to him like Fi is to INFPs. Both types deeply require authenticity and autonomy because they experience their decisions, whether value or logic-based, with extreme intensity. Generally give him freedom to consider whatever decisions you ask of him.

-He is emotionally immature and likely always will be, desiring a simple, calm relationship and fearing harshness. Imagine him to be a puff-ball that just wants to love someone forever 'n' ever 'n never let go, whining and purring included. Also, expect that his emotions will sometimes cloud his judgment without his knowledge; fortunately, he likely is so logical that his logical fallacies beyond expert matters usually are due to emotional problems, revealing them.

-If he is dropping hints about "girlfriend," then he likes you more than you know, probably thinking of you constantly and wanting you to stay around. He probably also fears losing you and the crush he likely has, and he likely is gauging your interest by your degree of reciprocation to his sexual advances and compliments.

Overall, I think you two like each other dearly and should confess your feelings when both of you have plenty of time (both alone and together) to decide what to do. I wish you two the best.

And remember, *croaks* we want grryyyaaandchildren!

wat?

you aren't fooling anybody.

 

[Duxwing]

You're giving relationship advice as if though it were a matter of calculus within a confined system. Hence "valid in a vacuum".

I don't see a problem. Each thing exists in a confined system, however large. With "calculus" we draw conclusions the set of things--the "confined system"--we consider. Therefore, every conclusion is "valid in a vacuum," and accusing one of thus being equates to "this conclusion would not be valid were its preemies false or some additional premises added," which is trivial.

As a consequence you end up discouraging INTJfemale from pursuing the relationship altogether on the basis of 1 speculative statement made by her; notwithstanding, all the other things she has written. Ignoring also the fact that if she and him want to be together like they seem to do, they probably should. Seeing as they seem to enjoy one another's company and fit together well enough. The fact the relationship might not be "super fulfilling" is hardly sufficient reason to call it quits. You do learn from experience when it comes to relationships. As I said before, the worst thing that can come of this is that they both end up alone again but wiser and better equipped for future relationships.

I did not discourage INTJfemale from pursuing the relationship: I encouraged her to talk about it with him lest her unmet needs should unnecessarily end the relationship with tears.

wat?

you aren't fooling anybody.

I hope I am fooling no-one: I was being sincere.

-Duxwing

 

[Cherry Cola]

Okay then you got the premises wrong, did not intenionally discourage anything, but did so due to your limited social insight.

Seriously, threads were people ask for help are not places where you answer with frivolous sophistries which do not pertain to reality, it is disrespectful and can in the worst case scenario have a direct negative impact on the life of the inquirer.

 

[Intjfemale]

Once again, reallllly appreciate all of the insight and advice here! Dinner went really well tonight. I am definitely identifying more of the 'feelers' he's putting out about being serious with me, so as soon as i get the nerve to bring it up with him, I think things are headed in the right direction. Phewww.