INTP in despair.

[Sebin]

Boy have I gotten myself in a mess. Where to begin?

Anyways, as you may have noticed, I literally joined this forum a few minutes ago. Basically it goes like this: I'm in the US military and I'm suffering. I don't know what I was thinking in joining. I knew I was going to hate it. I do hate it. Everyday I wake up not wanting to be in the military.

Honestly, I rather be asked questions. I find it therapeutic for me.

 

[Beholder]

What do you do in the military?
I was in the Israeli army for three years, honestly, I enjoyed most of it. I found that doing brainless tasks meant I had lots of time to think, and I also made great friends.
What can you do to get out of the military as fast as you can, or what can you do to improve your situation there? (Like moving to a different position?)

 

[Sebin]

I am in the Navy training as a Hospital Corpsman. Today is actually the anniversary of the day I enlisted. I was in the Delayed Entry Program for 8 months and I left for boot camp in April of this year. So yes I've only been in for 5 months, almost 6.

The training is mind numbingly boring and easy. I've never opened the literature which is why my scores are average.

However, the military life is difficult and this is actually one of the most relaxed commands here. There is also a chance I may go with the US Marine Corps as a field medic for them. That honestly scares me. I constantly think about war, I can't even do the things I used to enjoy.

 

[Duxwing]

Can you drop out or flunk out?

-Duxwing

 

[TimeAsylums]

how long is your contract

 

[Sebin]

I'm afraid of the consequences of it. Another failure in something I attempted. I am almost done with the training and it upsets me. I'm an emotional wreck. In an emotional freefall if you will.

I joined in the first place because I was running away from my problems. I was a computer science major and I am terrible at math. I failed a remedial algebra since I did not take it seriously during high school. I was going to a community college and working and since I dropped classes and failed some, I lost my financial aid. This on top of the stress of being at home really got to me.

I told everyone that I couldn't afford school which was a lie. I was able to but I lost my financial aid. The only one who knows the truth is my girlfriend.

 

[Sebin]

5 year contract. Due to the extra training, I signed a one year contract extension.

 

[DelusiveNinja]

Were you persuaded to go or did you make the decision on your own? Are you going to school? Hospital Corpsman!? Do you like helping people directly?

 

[Absurdity]

I know several kids from high school who became Navy hospital corpsman. Not a single one of them ever saw combat or anything gruesome. Most of them stayed on bases in the States. A few got to go around on ships and stop in some exotic ports in Thailand, Bahrain, the Emirates etc.

Hang in there. It probably won't be so bad.

 

[Sebin]

I was not persuaded per se, I felt more like I was trapped and it was my only way of escape. I was angry with my situation at home and wanted to be free. This is the opposite of exactly what I wanted.

I knew the military was pretty much my antithesis, I figured it would help me be a more well-rounded person. Caring for people? I am a very cynical person, I figure spending my high school years on 4chan reinforced that.

I never considered my emotions, my thoughts. My beliefs. I didn't have a direction so to speak and I figured the military would be a good time to improve myself as a person and to give me the environment to make to changes. Reinvent myself.

I've lost control of my life. Literally, all my decisions are made by someone else. Constant authority figures watching my every move. I've lost my sense of self. I don't know what I believe in anymore. Hence the despair.

I have no passion for what I am doing, I feel bad that I have no sense of duty, I don't believe in what I am doing. To put my life at risk? For who? The guy next to me? I don't care about him. Everything is so wrong I cannot but help at laugh at myself.

 

[Sebin]

I'm stuck. On one hand I wanna finish. To stick it out. I am constantly angry and I use this as my shield. When I am angry, I can get stuff done(if I get past the sulking part). I also do understand that I signed a contract. A promise. If I were to break that, what would that say about me as a person? I do not like breaking promises.

On the other hand, I want to get out and go to school. But I've ruined that. I know exactly what I want in life. The military is to defining. I want out so bad. Everyone back home is rooting for me. My parents, my friends, everyone. But I feel it is bad for my mental health. I like being neutral. Being angry gets me tired. I want peace in my life.

 

[Sebin]

I have been coping by detaching myself. To the point that I'm not here in the present. The only time I reattach myself is when I am on the phone with my girlfriend (LDR) which surprisingly has helped our relationship. I have confided in her feelings and emotions in her that I have never told anyone. In my time of emotional need, she is there for me to take part of the load.

However, whenever I allow myself to feel emotions, I lose it. I am overwhelmed. Feelings of regret, doubt, hopelessness, love, gratefulness, all hit me at the same time. Its...too much. I wish I could be my old, emotionless self. I was in control at least.

 

[DelusiveNinja]

To put my life at risk? For who? The guy next to me? I don't care about him.

I take it those guys aren't your type of people and you don't try to get to involved with them unless it's necessary. Or do you have friends where ever you are? I don't suppose you could find a healthy coping device?

I don't know about the coping devices though sounds like you don't have time for that and running away from your problems is what got you here in the first place. Keep running and who knows where you will be.

 

[Sebin]

It's like my mind is in auto-reject mode. That feeling of when you feel like your principle has been violated and you get irrational? Imagine that feeling 24/7.

http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html
"If an INTP is pushed into doing something he will automatically resist." This makes sense because I am being told what to do by my superiors. I am automatically resisting.

There are alot more things and pretty much everything that entails in being an INTP while in the military is being challenge.

 

[Sebin]

I take it those guys aren't your type of people and you don't try to get to involved with them unless it's necessary. Or do you have friends where ever you are? I don't suppose you could find a healthy coping device?

I don't know about the coping devices though sounds like you don't have time for that and running away from your problems is what got you here in the first place. Keep running and who knows where you will be.

Yes, I mostly keep to myself. I have 2 friends here but even after I'm released for the day I usually am by myself.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Wow that sounds like Hell.

whatever you do, stop running. "To thine own self be true". (even if it doesn't happen tomorrow...eventually stop running from your fears/ yourself). You are who you were made to be and you have a duty to yourself to accept that and determine exactly how to manage your person in this life. Other significant people, close friends and family will accept you, too. If they don't then they weren't close anyways.

Algebra sucks. Hard. But, it (and things like it) must be done. Obviously you have the brains. Sounds like procrastination is your mortal enemy.* Maybe you even really shouldn't run from your present situation?

if you want out reeeeaaaaallllyyyy bad, are there 'psychiatric' findings that can be 'found'? Maybe study up on this option?

On the other hand, if you are going to be much better off financially, in the long run maybe some discipline will do you some good in the long run? 5 years or whatever is really not that long and when you get out you'll see that the world is still your oyster if you strategize your life goals carefully.

I really like what this guy over at the INTP experience has to say about INTPs. I've probably been overlinking his stuff lately but wow his insights are incredible. For example:

"*School Issues: Want to do well in school, but the work bores the hell out of you? The Secret: You are bored by the kind of work necessary to do well in school. It's not a conundrum. It's really quite simple. School performance is a unique set of rules. It does not equal the pursuit of knowledge. Solution: Do the boring work in bursts, then reward yourself with something you like. Switch back and forth between the two. If you are under impossible deadlines, let the stress motivate you for the marathon, then reward yourself for an extended time when you are finished. REALLY reward yourself. Follow through and don't be a martyr to yet another task."

"...*Task Issues: Feeling that you are under unrelenting pressure? Step back. Ultimately, you are pressuring yourself. What is fueling that pressure? Some else's expectations? A reluctance to upset someone? It's easier to maintain harmony by sacrificing yourself. But is harmony the point, really? What is so bad if someone is upset? What do YOU want? Work on your emotional boundaries. One way to do that is to imagine pushing everything uncomfortably pressing on you out to a distance of 10 feet. Inside that 10-foot radius, you are safe and untouchable. While all the bad is storming outside your bubble, feel yourself calming, breathing deeper, and your heart rate slowing. You'll be amazed what a difference this will make. Afterwards, think about yourself and your needs in the safety of your personal space."
http://intpexperience.com/FixIt.php

 

[r4ch3l]

1) how old are you?
2) what do you want to study?
3) is your education paid for once you get out?

 

[Kuu]

Get out, break the contract. Lose the pride. Keep your mental health.

 

[Beholder]

I can relate to everything you're saying here. I know where you are, I've been there too.
There are two important things you will need to learn if you want to get through this with your sanity intact:

1) "Doublethink" as George Orwell called it. Knowing that it's all a farce, that you are playing some character in this big game (and that so are your commanders, and your fellow soldiers) that is the military. Knowing all this, while still playing the game, becoming the person you need to be in order to fit in this particular game, while still staying true to yourself.
Use your cynicism to your advantage. Play an exaggerated version of the soldier they expect you to be. Be a living parody of the military mentality. It will keep you and those clever enough to understand entertained, and it will make you friends.
Remember: IT'S ALL A GAME!

2) The most important lesson, for the military and for life (as an INTP), which is also the hardest to internalize. DON'T EVER DO ANYTHING SO THAT YOU CAN LATER SAY THAT YOU HAVE DONE IT.
I can not stress the importance of this enough. If you continue doing something you don't want to do, or chasing a goal that isn't you, or doing something that isn't you because you think it'll somehow change you into something you aren't and will never be, only because you don't want to have to tell people you broke a contract, you couldn't handle it, etc', you will end up wasting years chasing this goal, and will ultimately fail, because it's not you.
You will learn this, either the hard way or the easy way.

So basically my advice is to open your mind to your current situation and accept it, but also accept who you are. Stay true to yourself and the universe will always guide you to your niche. But do not, under any circumstances, try to force yourself into someone else's niche (although if you've already gotten yourself into the wrong niche, just start being yourself again, and either the niche will change, or you will fall out of it to something that fits you).

I hope this wasn't all too abstract.

 

[EdgarAllnPwn]

First and foremost for everyone here we all owe a tremendous THANK YOU! for serving in the military. Something most INTPS are scared shitless of.
You are a Corpsman, quite prestigious at least to us civilians.

I have a friend who joined the Corps right after high school, he got suckered into the 5 year contract too. In 2 months his contract is up and he is coming "home".
The funny thing is I don't think he missed one "important" thing the whole time he has been gone.

I know what you are going through and trust me you would be (and have) felt this before you ever joined the Navy. So at least we can see running away is not a real solution. (Im such a hypocrite)
Someone handed me a tarot deck one day and when I saw the 5 of Cups it was like getting hit by lightning.

I've lost control of my life. Literally, all my decisions are made by someone else. Constant authority figures watching my every move. I've lost my sense of self. I don't know what I believe in anymore. Hence the despair.

You can still maintain your own head space, unless of course you allow them inside and take them home with you after work. That would be torture.

One last thing, I have NEVER met someone who enjoyed their entire enlistment, EVERYONE wants to leave at some point.

 

[Cognisant]

Never have I heard so much bitching from someone who thinks the work is too easy.

Everyone else may be sympathetic but I just think you're a lazy shit that's upset because you're not home goofing off and fucking your girlfriend, I think the military is precisely what you need and if you manage to stick it out you'll be better off for it.

 

[Kuu]

First and foremost for everyone here we all owe a tremendous THANK YOU! for serving in the military.

Uh... no.

Speak for yourself.

 

[walfin]

I hope the training is not that tough.

Have you a unit psychiatrist? Perhaps you can speak to him/her.

All the best!

 

[just george]

Thread title reminded me of a joke:

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.

"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"

The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm f**king dis custard."

The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis pear."

Anyway, I say quit. The US military is trying very hard to send people someplace far away to be killed, so imo the risk of staying in is too high.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

First and foremost for everyone here we all owe a tremendous THANK YOU! for serving in the military.

Uh... no.

Speak for yourself.

second that. US industrial military complex has been rotten to the core going on at least 100 years now...I'd argue the US military industrial complex was compromised as far back as the Civil War.

 

[just george]

Everyone else may be sympathetic but I just think you're a lazy shit that's upset because you're not home goofing off and fucking your girlfriend.

This really isn't a problem - we locals provide that service

 

[EdgarAllnPwn]

second that. US industrial military complex has been rotten to the core going on at least 100 years now...I'd argue the US military industrial complex was compromised as far back as the Civil War.

Certainly would not dare to deny that. I 100% agree.
Unfortunately things are not that simple.
Everyone here pays taxes (maybe a few don't) but that does not make you responsible for dropping bombs on Serbian schools.

This guy is a Corpsman he heals people, clearly not a murderous thug.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Certainly would not dare to deny that. I 100% agree.
Unfortunately things are not that simple.
Everyone here pays taxes (maybe a few don't) but that does not make you responsible for dropping bombs on Serbian schools.

This guy is a Corpsman he heals people, clearly not a murderous thug.

healing the murderers, though?

 

[Duxwing]

healing the murderers, though?

Ideally, you get every one of them home, and if your murderers are fighting on the side of justice, then you should help them.

-Duxwing

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Ideally, you get every one of them home, and if your murderers are fighting on the side of justice, then you should help them.

-Duxwing

Oh I'm not trying to argue for Javert-ism (rabid justice).

Jean Valjean-ism all the way buuut I think that there is some threshold where surely even Jean Valjean draws a line. (ie petty theft to feed one's malnourished relative is one thing, robbery another, murder & robbery of an individual another, and murder & robbery of entire nations something of an entire new league of levels).

I can't imagine that even the Clergyman who gave Valjean his soul back (by lying for him) would devote a whole lot of effort to healing the wounds of hardened murderous mercenaries (as surely most in the US armed forces are today). "just doing my job" is what the police and US military servicemen will typically parrot back. No guiding principles or purpose in life except get a paycheck etc. from the military industrial complex which has stolen the money from the people in the first place.

 

[Kuu]

AHEM.

Let's keep the topic of the OP on track, shall we?

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

AHEM.

Let's keep the topic of the OP on track, shall we?

 

[EditorOne]

Generally, my perception is that the military gets easier to take (for INTPs, I mean specifically) with higher rank. More responsibility, but also more autonomy, within limits. So maybe reassess. I'm not familiar with the Navy hierarchy any more, but perhaps what you need to do is not focus on your own misery but instead on what it takes to move ahead and the timetable for doing so. Get out of your mind and into the game.

Easier to say than to do, I acknowledge.

If you want some insight into the military mind, how it works, and how all the stuff fits together in an INTP-friendly "concept" as opposed to a vast field of prickly little details, I suggest "Small Unit Leadership: A Commonsense Approach" by Col Dandridge M. Malone. It's in the vein of get-ahead literature written by veterans that dates back to the American Civil War, but even if you don't want to get ahead, it will give you some context.

Think before abandoning ship. These days anyone with military service is respected, whether we like the choice of wars or not. It hasn't always been that way, within living memory.

 

[Pugsly]

I dropped/flunked out of school and joined the Army. I think like you, had to do something. I was in 5 years and then went back to school on the GI Bill and got a degree in electrical engineering.

You have to treat the military as a game, and learn to play it. Trust me, you have the capacity to outplay the majority of the field that can't recognize it for the game it is.

I did well in training (always was a squad leader or platoon guide) and when I got to my permanent duty I was with a bunch of other misfits (I was an electronic warfare tech).

The military is good for teaching discipline / put your nose to the grindstone techniques.