ddspada
Citizen of the Universe
Hi.
I've encountered an intriguing problem; I thought I'd share it here.
---
I have an INFJ female friend about my own age (~20yo). As far as I can tell, she's close to the average young INFJ -- but she's the only INFJ my age I know, and only one of two in total, so maybe I'm off the mark. Who knows.
Via instant messaging, we often engage in very interesting (for me, at least) discussions about current events, politics, fiction, the human mind, learning languages, hobbies, whatever comes up. We don't meet in person very often at all.
Today, this happened: I said hello and asked how she was. She said hello back and said she was a little cold. Nothing unusual. However, in my head the conversation should have/would have flowed with a "How are you?" from her; I'd have replied I was fine and then interesting conversation would follow (she did not ask how I was). No problem. I figured she was doing something else that instant and would reply when she got back on her computer. I proceeded to attend to an ongoing conversation with someone else, open a new browser tab and read for class, or something along those lines. This was in the afternoon.
In the evening, some three and a half hours later, she sent me a message that said "I answered and you didn't even see my message or anything" with a frowny face (that's the gist; it's difficult to translate one-to-one from very informal Spanish accurately, mostly because I'm not too proficient at very informal English). Something instantly clicked. She had wanted me to immediately continue the conversation by making a comment on what she'd just said (being cold), but that didn't cross my mind at all.
Almost as a reflex, I explained what I thought had happened: "I thought you'd left". This was as honest as it gets -- I thought she'd left momentarily and would continue the protocolary small talk that precedes meaningful conversation between us. Her reply was another frowny face.
Here starts my conundrum. In a matter of a few seconds I recognized that she felt ignored, unimportant or otherwise slighted. Not one to be particularly comfortable knowing that I had caused such a reaction in someone, my immediate thought was I'm sorry! I started typing it in, and was about to hit REPLY...
I stopped myself.
Having said "I'm sorry!" would have given me a chance to appease her, but it would have been an empty "I'm sorry!" fueled by a (small, perhaps) fear of having to deal with emotional discomfort. By saying "I'm sorry!" an intention of remorse and not having wanted to offend her would have been shown by me. "I'm sorry!" would have meant "I was not paying attention, please forgive me" or some permutation of the same. But I was thinking something different (that she had left).
Knowing about typology in general and MBTI in particular has helped be pinpoint where in my life I make the most and the silliest mistakes, and if I'm correct in believing, as I currently do, that I'm an INTP, then the theory suggests my weak point is directly dependent on what I perceive to be healthy relationships, how I relate to group values and others' feelings, erroneously assessing my level of intimacy with other people, and/or being reluctant to engage in emotional matters directly. I can explain to myself why considering possibilities of differing structures within small talk completely went over my head. Inferior Fe. Cool. (Then again, she didn't send any further messages either.
) But that doesn't mean I'm justified in using that as an excuse. With regards to my interactions with other people, if I use MBTI at all it should not be to cover my ass when I mess up, but rather to become conscious of when I mess up and why, and then try to prevent messing up in the future. I should, indeed, apologize.
...Right? I have sufficient knowledge about MBTI to be able to accept others' faults and, more or less accurately, explain the behaviour in question with the misuse of the inferior function or unbalanced use of the dominant or something similar. Say, if my ESFP ex-girlfriend had cheated on me, could I have explained that with the theory behind how unsatified Se impulses may make an ESFP act? Sure thing. Toward the end of the relationship my "social stamina" was draining fast, and Se (especially dominant Se as far as I understand with my observations) can often be wholly satisfied only by things which require a high social stamina -- like having and being an active partner in a relationship, going to parties, participating in lively events even when their nature is not essentially social, and the like. I was at the time nigh unable to supply that. I'm almost sure the chances of her having considered ending the relationship and going into another one immediately, or even having considered seeing someone else at the same time were non-zero, and possibly appreciably high. I don't think I would be in the right to blame her for having considered it (had she considered it and had I found out one way or another). If the behaviour is explainable with the cognitive stack of the type of the person at hand, are they to blame? The phenomenon (giving in to the wants of the cognitive stack when it's clearly presented with a situation that cannot be solved head-on, not just either of these two cases in particular) can be likened to an animal doing only what is most natural. We may not like it when our pet cat kills our canary, but the cat really can't be blamed. Perhaps, then, people should not be to blame when exhibiting unfavorable conducts that derive from thought processes that can be explained via MBTI. I should not apologize, then.
...Right? (Dammit, I'm arguing both for and against myself!) No, wrong. Enter the Forer effect and anybody able to spew half-cogent arguments and with a deep enough understanding of MBTI can set forth an excuse for every bit of behaviour that one or more persons may dislike and that gives way to confrontation. I'm lazy because of inferior Fe // I'm clumsy in conversations because of inferior Fe // I can make rude comments because of inferior Fe // I tend to hold grudges because inferior Fe makes me evaluate incorrectly how human relationships are. Those things would all be valid if I accepted the above. Poppycock.
MBTI is to be used for self-improvement and maybe a little fun on the side in my book (who am I kidding, it's a lot of fun
), NOT for accepting one's selfish worldviews (if they're present) or for justifying trying to be always right (a permutation of the dreaded Holier Than Thou).
I should apologize. Good.
To my disadvantage, twenty minutes had already gone by when I arrived at my conclusion; during that time I was pacing about my room and not looking at the computer. Having resolved that in that particular situation I should apologize, now being convinced that my apology would have an authentic meaning behind it, I went to type in "I ask you to forgive me" with the most intent I've typed an apology with in a long time. REPLY.
...aaaaand she'd already logged off.
---
If you did, thank you for reading. This is a true story, btw.
Discuss if you'd like. Comments about my writing would also be appreciated.
I've encountered an intriguing problem; I thought I'd share it here.
---
I have an INFJ female friend about my own age (~20yo). As far as I can tell, she's close to the average young INFJ -- but she's the only INFJ my age I know, and only one of two in total, so maybe I'm off the mark. Who knows.
Via instant messaging, we often engage in very interesting (for me, at least) discussions about current events, politics, fiction, the human mind, learning languages, hobbies, whatever comes up. We don't meet in person very often at all.
Today, this happened: I said hello and asked how she was. She said hello back and said she was a little cold. Nothing unusual. However, in my head the conversation should have/would have flowed with a "How are you?" from her; I'd have replied I was fine and then interesting conversation would follow (she did not ask how I was). No problem. I figured she was doing something else that instant and would reply when she got back on her computer. I proceeded to attend to an ongoing conversation with someone else, open a new browser tab and read for class, or something along those lines. This was in the afternoon.
In the evening, some three and a half hours later, she sent me a message that said "I answered and you didn't even see my message or anything" with a frowny face (that's the gist; it's difficult to translate one-to-one from very informal Spanish accurately, mostly because I'm not too proficient at very informal English). Something instantly clicked. She had wanted me to immediately continue the conversation by making a comment on what she'd just said (being cold), but that didn't cross my mind at all.
Almost as a reflex, I explained what I thought had happened: "I thought you'd left". This was as honest as it gets -- I thought she'd left momentarily and would continue the protocolary small talk that precedes meaningful conversation between us. Her reply was another frowny face.
Here starts my conundrum. In a matter of a few seconds I recognized that she felt ignored, unimportant or otherwise slighted. Not one to be particularly comfortable knowing that I had caused such a reaction in someone, my immediate thought was I'm sorry! I started typing it in, and was about to hit REPLY...
I stopped myself.
Having said "I'm sorry!" would have given me a chance to appease her, but it would have been an empty "I'm sorry!" fueled by a (small, perhaps) fear of having to deal with emotional discomfort. By saying "I'm sorry!" an intention of remorse and not having wanted to offend her would have been shown by me. "I'm sorry!" would have meant "I was not paying attention, please forgive me" or some permutation of the same. But I was thinking something different (that she had left).
Knowing about typology in general and MBTI in particular has helped be pinpoint where in my life I make the most and the silliest mistakes, and if I'm correct in believing, as I currently do, that I'm an INTP, then the theory suggests my weak point is directly dependent on what I perceive to be healthy relationships, how I relate to group values and others' feelings, erroneously assessing my level of intimacy with other people, and/or being reluctant to engage in emotional matters directly. I can explain to myself why considering possibilities of differing structures within small talk completely went over my head. Inferior Fe. Cool. (Then again, she didn't send any further messages either.
) But that doesn't mean I'm justified in using that as an excuse. With regards to my interactions with other people, if I use MBTI at all it should not be to cover my ass when I mess up, but rather to become conscious of when I mess up and why, and then try to prevent messing up in the future. I should, indeed, apologize....Right? I have sufficient knowledge about MBTI to be able to accept others' faults and, more or less accurately, explain the behaviour in question with the misuse of the inferior function or unbalanced use of the dominant or something similar. Say, if my ESFP ex-girlfriend had cheated on me, could I have explained that with the theory behind how unsatified Se impulses may make an ESFP act? Sure thing. Toward the end of the relationship my "social stamina" was draining fast, and Se (especially dominant Se as far as I understand with my observations) can often be wholly satisfied only by things which require a high social stamina -- like having and being an active partner in a relationship, going to parties, participating in lively events even when their nature is not essentially social, and the like. I was at the time nigh unable to supply that. I'm almost sure the chances of her having considered ending the relationship and going into another one immediately, or even having considered seeing someone else at the same time were non-zero, and possibly appreciably high. I don't think I would be in the right to blame her for having considered it (had she considered it and had I found out one way or another). If the behaviour is explainable with the cognitive stack of the type of the person at hand, are they to blame? The phenomenon (giving in to the wants of the cognitive stack when it's clearly presented with a situation that cannot be solved head-on, not just either of these two cases in particular) can be likened to an animal doing only what is most natural. We may not like it when our pet cat kills our canary, but the cat really can't be blamed. Perhaps, then, people should not be to blame when exhibiting unfavorable conducts that derive from thought processes that can be explained via MBTI. I should not apologize, then.
...Right? (Dammit, I'm arguing both for and against myself!) No, wrong. Enter the Forer effect and anybody able to spew half-cogent arguments and with a deep enough understanding of MBTI can set forth an excuse for every bit of behaviour that one or more persons may dislike and that gives way to confrontation. I'm lazy because of inferior Fe // I'm clumsy in conversations because of inferior Fe // I can make rude comments because of inferior Fe // I tend to hold grudges because inferior Fe makes me evaluate incorrectly how human relationships are. Those things would all be valid if I accepted the above. Poppycock.
MBTI is to be used for self-improvement and maybe a little fun on the side in my book (who am I kidding, it's a lot of fun
), NOT for accepting one's selfish worldviews (if they're present) or for justifying trying to be always right (a permutation of the dreaded Holier Than Thou).I should apologize. Good.
To my disadvantage, twenty minutes had already gone by when I arrived at my conclusion; during that time I was pacing about my room and not looking at the computer. Having resolved that in that particular situation I should apologize, now being convinced that my apology would have an authentic meaning behind it, I went to type in "I ask you to forgive me" with the most intent I've typed an apology with in a long time. REPLY.
...aaaaand she'd already logged off.
---
If you did, thank you for reading. This is a true story, btw.
Discuss if you'd like. Comments about my writing would also be appreciated.
Asking questions is always good. Then after I'm sure she would have asked how you were. Lots of conversations follow like this. 
