I shall now reveal the main purposes of compliments

[LAM]

This is a post I posted earlier, and I thought that some of the people need to see this perspective on compliments so badly it deserved its own thread:

The thing with the compliments again <_< . Oh well, here goes; when someone gives you a compliment, usually if you aren't a diplomat/person they suck up to/spy, etc, then it might mean a few things:

1. They have nothing else to say but feel they have to say something.

2. They are being nice and trying to make you feel better.

3. They are being nice in an attempt to get closer to you because they think you are in some way interesting.

4. They are being sarcastic but you don't realise it (usually it is very obvious though.)

5. They envy your ability to do something and express it by making you aware that they feel you have something they don't/ can do something they can't. They are usually being nice in this case.

6. They are used to alert other people of your superior skill at something (this is probably psychology left over from survival days.)

7. They are used to encourage you to develop that skill. (Same as 6.)

8. In 90% of cases they are positive and essential to bonding. Not using them or taking them badly cripples you socially worse than you think.

9. In other's eyes, sometimes the lack of compliments might make you seem to be an arrogant asshole who never aknowledges anyone's achievements and taking them badly means they see you as thinking he's above them and their compliments do not count. No matter how trivial some compliments may seem to you, they may mean a lot for the other person if you do say them...

10. It is a show of respect. A few kind words might not seem much to an INTP but it is a lot more to others.

11. Simple compliments are easy to do. most people here seem to only do the "I have known you for a long time and admire your...." type compliments which are very rare to come by. You don't need to say a deep and soul-revealing compliment on a goal or a person's new haircut...

Edit: I realise I said purpoises in the title. I really don't care either. If anyone is going to point it out I will

 

[Cognisant]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

Great topic for a thread, LAM

 

[LAM]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

Great topic for a thread, LAM

oh no is he being sarcastic. damn without the tone I will never knopw. Is he mocking me. Oh god,; He's mocking me. Kill him!! I see what you're doing here. You are pointing out my own hypocrisies by showing me how annoying meaningless compliments can be when serious discussion is wanted. I see you are a devious fellow not to be trusted.

Okay, now that we've got over the crazy fit in which i made as broad generalisation of the bad perceptions of compliments, can we get back to discussion?

 

[Adymus]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

Great Job LAM (This should alert all the other INTPs of your superior Job doing skills.)

I have been noticing a few of the members of this board have a very adversarial outlook of the social rituals done in everyday society. Granted, being independent minded is an important thing, but you don't want to completely alienate yourself from your society. We are far more dependent on the collective than you think. Ultimately an INTP wants to be heard and understood, but that will not happen if you keep distancing yourself from the tribe.

This is caused by a very underdeveloped Fe, which causes the Ti to become logical to the extreme and deem social rituals as "pointless". On top of this, a person's Si out weighing their Ne is an even bigger problem as they are only looking at their historic view of society as having nothing that they want to be apart of, instead of looking at it as a world of possibilities and understanding.

Social rituals are not pointless, and if you think this, you are missing the point. The ability to distance ourselves from society values and norms is a gift, but it becomes a curse when you let it sever your link to society entirely. An INTP can only grow so far on their own, but the key to true understanding a brilliance lies in the ability to reach out to people and hear them, and be heard.

 

[LAM]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

I thought my theory in number 6 was sound. I mean, it is of possible benefit to a tribe.
(Wow look at Grugh, he can make fire! Wow Grugh can climb trees really well! Wow Grugh can make good ropes! Wow Grugh can... you get my point.)

 

[walfin]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

Number 6 could still make sense today. It could either mean let's beware of this guy, or let's hire this guy.

This is caused by a very underdeveloped Fe, which causes the Ti to become logical to the extreme and deem social rituals as "pointless".

We never like to do the things we're really bad at.

Though I should think that developed Ti would see that there is a point in following at least some social rituals, since there could be real consequences.

 

[LAM]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

Number 6 could still make sense today. It could either mean let's beware of this guy, or let's hire this guy.


We never like to do the things we're really bad at.

Though I should think that developed Ti would see that there is a point in following at least some social rituals, since there could be real consequences.

Ti with Si is what he was getting at (I think) or at least underdeveloped extroverted cognitive functions like Fe. Then the INTP might get locked up in his own world, alienated from society.

 

[Adymus]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

Number 6 could still make sense today. It could either mean let's beware of this guy, or let's hire this guy.


We never like to do the things we're really bad at.

Though I should think that developed Ti would see that there is a point in following at least some social rituals, since there could be real consequences.

You are correct, we don't like doing things we are bad at, this is why many people try really hard to improve their inferior functions. It is a far more heathier approach than just saying "I suck at relating with the rest of the world, oh well, I guess people aren't that interesting anyway."

A developed Ti wouldn't see the benefit in following some social rituals if their Si is telling them it is not worth the expenditure of energy anyway.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

I think you're missing a few of the more subversive use of compliments.

12. As an apology. If someone is attempting reconciliation a way to instigate it with a low likelihood of backfiring (almost nil if done publicly) is via the compliment. If other party stays angry it will cause them to feel guilt or look like an ass; regardless if their reason for anger is completely valid.

13. So other people will compliment them. It's a natural social transaction; exchanging compliments. Some people will troll for compliments by lavishing out their own insincere ones.

14. They know it makes you uncomfortable; very relevant to introverts. Generally only done by those who know you well. Sort of a passive aggressive behavior, like 12 can be.

edit: lol I probably sound paranoid.

 

[FrostFern]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

I think compliments can be divided into two categories.

1.) Compliments tied to a specific event/performance/accomplishment.

2.) Compliments done "out of the blue".

The first type are usually pretty automatic for me. As a rule these are usually expected. If you refrain from complimenting someone it might be interpreted as a snub. Unfortunately this also makes this kind of compliment less meaningful unless you really jazz it up or make it very specific/personal somehow. There's a big difference between a compliment that comes sincerely out of the heart and one that's just done to follow social convention so as not to appear rude.

The second type I find difficult. For one thing there isn't any specific cue as for timing and thus it's going to be difficult for me to remember to do it. It's not something that will likely just randomly occur to me to do at any specific time.

Then there's the self-consciousness issue. I'm always going to be afraid that the receiver is going to ask themselves why I just complimented them, if I have some ulterior motive, rather than just taking it at face value. If it's a woman will they think I'm flirting? When there isn't a context it's hard to know how it will be received. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

 

[loveofreason]

Edit: I realise I said purpoises in the title. I really don't care either. If anyone is going to point it out I will

 

[cheese]

Re: I shall now reveal the main purpoises of compliments

Great Job LAM (This should alert all the other INTPs of your superior Job doing skills.)

I have been noticing a few of the members of this board have a very adversarial outlook of the social rituals done in everyday society. Granted, being independent minded is an important thing, but you don't want to completely alienate yourself from your society. We are far more dependent on the collective than you think. Ultimately an INTP wants to be heard and understood, but that will not happen if you keep distancing yourself from the tribe.

This is caused by a very underdeveloped Fe, which causes the Ti to become logical to the extreme and deem social rituals as "pointless". On top of this, a person's Si out weighing their Ne is an even bigger problem as they are only looking at their historic view of society as having nothing that they want to be apart of, instead of looking at it as a world of possibilities and understanding.

Social rituals are not pointless, and if you think this, you are missing the point. The ability to distance ourselves from society values and norms is a gift, but it becomes a curse when you let it sever your link to society entirely. An INTP can only grow so far on their own, but the key to true understanding a brilliance lies in the ability to reach out to people and hear them, and be heard.

Ah, really great post.

(And I'm not playing into the thread topic; I honestly just like telling people when I think they've done something well. Because my opinion matters. I single-handedly raise the standards of markets everywhere. I created morality. Etc.)

 

[shoeless]

love this thread.

even if compliments do have the potential to be "subversive" or otherwise negative... generally, if somebody's giving you a compliment, they're doing it in a good way. it's simply unhealthy to expect all compliments to be negative, and frankly, even if they are, it doesn't really matter and it should be dealt with on a case-by-case basis (my favorite response: wow, you're an asshole.)

bottom line, if somebody's complimenting you, even if you're a little uncomfortable, try to enjoy it. at the very least be gracious about it. all you need to do is say thank you.

i realized a long time ago how awkward i was about taking and giving compliments. and then i realized my awkwardness was pretty much unfounded.

now, i don't have any problem with compliments at all.
frankly i love them. giving and receiving.

but that's just me.

 

[Trebuchet]

Great list, great thread topic, especially since compliments do bother so many on this forum.

I think you left out (what number are we on now?)

15. Enthusiasm about someone else or their achievements.

Compliments come without thinking when I really love or admire someone. I am utterly thrilled with my husband's many talents, and enthusiastically tell him so, whether they are talents I share or not. I am in awe of my daughter's abilities, all of which I am better at, but hey, she's just a little kid. So I tell her so. My friends are all amazing people, and I let them know what it is I like about their company.

None of this is a conscious attempt at manipulation, though of course I am aware that they enjoy the compliments. It is just a way of sharing my joy at having them in my life. Like other INTPs, I don't have that many dear friends, but those I do have are worth celebrating.

 

[Beat Mango]

Why to compliment: because you feel like it. I think I've stated several times before why social analysis as in this thread isn't helpful and is probably counter-productive, but I guess I'm flogging a dead horse aren't I.

 

[LAM]

Why to compliment: because you feel like it. I think I've stated several times before why social analysis as in this thread isn't helpful and is probably counter-productive, but I guess I'm flogging a dead horse aren't I.

You have no idea... This is bigger than you man.

stupid stuff aside, the thing is that sometimes I see completely comprehensive and extremely complex responses on a lot of forums to the "issue" of compliments.
Telling a person who just read 3 books that proved to them that compliments are worthless wastes of time and that it assures them of how wrong and shallow compliments are is hard. when those people practically post 1000 word essays on it, your response would be utterly rejected. Especially by INTP's (I am not going to quote some of the posts like that because then this will just turn into a conflict thread with people repeatedly posting the smae thing over and over again and a stalemate will be reached.)

Also, this thread looks at compliments from a positive perspective and also majority perspective take up by probably 95%+ of people. It shows some reasons for what compliments are for, howw they might be used and what normal people expect them to do when used, when it is expected to be used, etc. It gives people an explanation, the majority's Truth of compliments, so maybe one day they can at least be able to use compliments better.

Even if you think it is stupid, most (eg: 90%+) of the time it is a positive thing. It doesn't even reinforce bad morals or ideals or ignorance as some of society's behaviours do.

 

[Words]

Compliments are, in a way, complex. The only compliment I'm able to produce is Trebuchet's #15. Other reasons doesn't seem to motivate enough. Is the flexible use of compliments an important social technique?

 

[LAM]

Compliments are, in a way, complex. The only compliment I'm able to produce is Trebuchet's #15. Other reasons doesn't seem to motivate enough. Is the flexible use of compliments an important social technique?

stage 1: It doesn't really matter how you say it and if its a simple compliment then it doesn't really matter what you say: well done, good job, great job. All the same.

stage 2: Then there are the more earnest ones that compliment a person on their good features or skills. Second stage ones can basically be something like; wow you are very organised. Usually it isn't stage 1 but it isn't stage 3, as you probably do not know the person well enough or be close enough to them.

stage 3: I can't really define these, since I rarely give them out and in any case if an INTP were to ever does give out compliments, they are usually of this stage. you would only use these with people you know very well; long time friends, best friends and in close relationships. I could kind of decribe them as heartfelt observations of the good sides of people you know well. note: you could and sometimes should also use stage 1 and 2 compliments in relationships such as the ones I noted in this paragraph.

That is my crude classification of compliments. The first and second stage ones are the ones that INTPs do not like or have trouble saying usually. But third stage ones should be natural/instinctive.

The first stage one's are really easy to do, but a lot of people (mostly INTPs) usually overthink these. I think this might be the problem with second stage compliments.

Also my compliments seem to be based on how developed the relationship with someone is. (Although stage 1 and 2 compliments are sometimes the same, its how you mean it and say it that matters a lot to distinguish them.)

Finally: you don't need to be that good at giving them out to be good at socialising in my opinion (as long as you don't offend people.) But being terrible or not being able to either give or take them is probably very hurtful though.

 

[Words]

But that "responsibility" of complimenting people...I understand that its important. (maybe) But its difficult to care so much for it. Its hard to realize when you have to compliment someone. Its hard to relate and hard to install on your brain.

 

[Adamastor]

9. In other's eyes, sometimes the lack of compliments might make you seem to be an arrogant asshole who never acknowledges anyone's achievements and taking them badly means they see you as thinking he's above them and their compliments do not count. No matter how trivial some compliments may seem to you, they may mean a lot for the other person if you do say them...

10. It is a show of respect. A few kind words might not seem much to an INTP but it is a lot more to others.

HOLY CRAP! This explains a lot -.-

Uwah, now I feel I had been extremely negative towards my other creepy fellas.
I think that is alright people were made to be suspicious, weren't they?

Is what I would like to say, but that sounds too much of bad choice to me :/

 

[LAM]

But that "responsibility" of complimenting people...I understand that its important. (maybe) But its difficult to care so much for it. Its hard to realize when you have to compliment someone. Its hard to relate and hard to install on your brain.

Think of it as a habit. you have to start it small, maybe congratulating someone in sports. That is the easiest way to do it because you are usually doing it with a bunch of other people and nobody even listens to those kinds of compliments during a game of sports.

If you don't do sports than the second easiest is doing it when everyone else is (except it you think it is immoral or incredibely ignorant/stupid such as congratulating someone on getting wasted.) As you do it more often, you start to get a feel for it and get accustomed to it.

At the end, you should at least be able to compliment people in the second stage. first stage compliments can usually be passed off if you have a lot of close friends or can socialise well enough to not need the boost of a compliment to smoothe things over or lower tensions/aggresivity towards you. (Although the rules are different in situations, for example, trying to get a girl to go out with you. the rules are far more "personalised" then. She may hate or love compliments for example.)

Second stage ones are the most versatile really as they are earnest enough to make a person feel better but not need such a close connection as a third stage compliment.

 

[Renk Fasze]

To the OP. I can see your point of view and i find myself taking the same position most of the time.

For myself i put much weight in compliments.

If i compliment, i mean it.

However, i do think that many people use compliments to their advantage. A compliment begs a certain type of response. A positive response, something that returns the 'favor'.

A true compliment is one that doesn't ask anything in return.

 

[RubberDucky451]

If compliments are not useful for self satisfaction or manipulation we should keep silent.

When I receive a compliment I usually get too excited or feel strangely manipulated.

 

[LAM]

If compliments are not useful for self satisfaction or manipulation we should keep silent.

When I receive a compliment I usually get too excited or feel strangely manipulated.

Perhaps. Or they might just be someone making you feel better. Did you read my list of possible reasons for compliments?

@bold section:.... So showing your respect to someone is not worthwile? Making someone feel better is also not worthwile?
15. Enthusiasm about someone else or their achievements.

9. In other's eyes, sometimes the lack of compliments might make you seem to be an arrogant asshole who never aknowledges anyone's achievements and taking them badly means they see you as thinking he's above them and their compliments do not count. No matter how trivial some compliments may seem to you, they may mean a lot for the other person if you do say them...

Self-satisfaction and Manipulation. This is the kind of thinking that I am trying to stop. When I compliment someone for their achievement, I generally don't think of myself or manipulation when doing it.

Compliments aren't selfish, in the same way that most charity donators are normal people who want to help. Maybe a small percentage uses them to make themselves feel good, but like the small percentage of charity donators doing it for the same reason, they still make other people feel/be better in the end...

 

[Mary]

I give complements so much sometimes I'm worried it's awkward.. But when I see something that's really well done I can't help but congratulate that person. In addition, many of my friends have horrible self esteems so I have to convince them they really aren't as bad as they think they are. (For instance, one of my friends hates her hair and glasses and I absolutely love the way she looks.) It's one of my really odd habits, I guess. :/

 

[ashitaria]

This is a post I posted earlier, and I thought that some of the people need to see this perspective on compliments so badly it deserved its own thread:

The thing with the compliments again <_< . Oh well, here goes; when someone gives you a compliment, usually if you aren't a diplomat/person they suck up to/spy, etc, then it might mean a few things:

1. They have nothing else to say but feel they have to say something.

2. They are being nice and trying to make you feel better.

3. They are being nice in an attempt to get closer to you because they think you are in some way interesting.

4. They are being sarcastic but you don't realize it (usually it is very obvious though.)

5. They envy your ability to do something and express it by making you aware that they feel you have something they don't/ can do something they can't. They are usually being nice in this case.

6. They are used to alert other people of your superior skill at something (this is probably psychology left over from survival days.)

7. They are used to encourage you to develop that skill. (Same as 6.)

8. In 90% of cases they are positive and essential to bonding. Not using them or taking them badly cripples you socially worse than you think.

9. In others eyes, sometimes the lack of compliments might make you seem to be an arrogant asshole who never acknowledges anyone's achievements and taking them badly means they see you as thinking he's above them and their compliments do not count. No matter how trivial some compliments may seem to you, they may mean a lot for the other person if you do say them...

10. It is a show of respect. A few kind words might not seem much to an INTP but it is a lot more to others.

11. Simple compliments are easy to do. most people here seem to only do the "I have known you for a long time and admire your...." type compliments which are very rare to come by. You don't need to say a deep and soul-revealing compliment on a goal or a person's new haircut...

Edit: I realize I said purposes in the title. I really don't care either. If anyone is going to point it out I will

Well, I corrected all your grammar and typos for you. Be grateful

In any case, compliments are also a way to gain your trust, then dump you. Believe me, I have some experience with that. They are also often used as flattery to catch a person off guard, though it hardly ever works for us INTPs.

I think that your statement regarding compliments causes some contention between you and me. I don't believe that 90% of the time, compliments are used for good purposes. Where I came from, most of the compliments were either sarcastic or sneaky. But then again, I was from Singapore after all. America is full of much nicer people.

And rarely are compliments used to alert other people of your superiority in school. More than often, when a compliment is made, it is used to express jealousy, and one of the things people hate to do is to admit that you are superior to them, so 6 is out of there. 7 too. Mainly because if you are already superior at something, you must have either developed it in some way or another. For example tennis, though it is said you have talent in tennis, that talent did not come to you when you were born, rather, it came to you when did certain forms of aerobatic exercises when you grew up. When you are already superior at something, people don't usually see the need to encourage you to continue doing it.

Compliments such as, "You should join the tennis team" aren't used to encourage further growth. On the contrary, they are used to express their wish of being as good as you, while not admitting that you are better than them.

Of course, I leave it to you guys to find some controversy so I don't have to contradict myself.

 

[Enne]

. . . I thought this was a toilet. .___.

Why to compliment: because you feel like it. I think I've stated several times before why social analysis as in this thread isn't helpful and is probably counter-productive, but I guess I'm flogging a dead horse aren't I.

Depends on how used people are to left-handed compliments (in this thread). In other cases, depends on comfortable or accustomed to people are with positive social interaction. Each new day cannot be a fresh start for many people, out of time constraints, logic, and often fear.

 

[Geminii]

#16: They're an extrovert who bases their own emotional state on those around them and is attempting to influence someone to a more positive emotional state in order to feel better themselves.