I am afraid of failure. [QT's personal all around thread for lamenting his inadequacies]

[QuickTwist]

This is a serious thread. I don't mind a little mocking but try to at least provide something useful as well.

I came across a post:

A normal human life is just the current Zeitgeist.

Pretty much it's still mostly about procreation and people finding 'meaning' for themselves as humanity still face the problem of the average human life being too short to be able to learn anything significant about ourselves, our planet, universe and the human race in general.

In order to step ahead of our limitations we must push ourselves beyond the point where most humans give up. That means to rid ourselves of real and imaginary constraints, societal, cultural and technical. The only way to do that is to sacrifice the 'normal', prescribed life for something that may inevitably (and one must be comfortable with the odds that are against one) render one quite isolated and/or alienated in the end. It's the cost of attempting something different or greater than oneself.

There is an immense drive that comes from the origins of repression and constraint. It is the kind of drive that will dismiss every hindrance and bulldoze ahead no matter what; it's a big "Fuck You" to the voices in one's head that keep telling you that it is unattainable or impossible, or that it goes against one's race, gender, religion, whatever bullshit society has instilled into one's psyche.

It's the realisation that one is human precisely because one is capable of pushing through these boundaries -- and there will always, always be other humans there to drag you down to 'normality'.

But, to give up is to give up on one's own humanity.

And even if, by the end, I am sick, exhausted and worn out from the stresses of gaining knowledge at any cost and pushing ahead despite my intuitions, anxieties and programmed limitations, and I realising that what I put in was far more costly than I gained, I will at least know that I didn't fucking give up.

Because I would never forgive myself if I did, and surely there must be something to gain, if not for me, but for others. What I did I did not just do for me; I had humanity in mind as much as I despise most individuals, because I don't blame them for their limitations, for their lives and experiences are limited just like mine.

This has at the very least given me the motivation to ask this community what is the point in trying? I have an immense fear of failure like you wouldn't believe. I am also a perfectionist. I am also really really ADHD and cannot keep my attention trained for any significant amount of time.

I have failed at school. I dropped out because I found out the degree at the "Technical" school I was at is worth bananas. My most recent huge embarrassing failure was getting fired from Target for poor attendance and "performance issues." I would debate the performance issues adamantly for hours with HR if I thought it would keep my job, but I saw no point to it at the time and now it is too late for even that.

I do not even know what I am good at. My parent tried to get me a good quality education, but due to poor grades I was transferred to a public school.

I have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness called Schizoaffective disorder.

I would like to accomplish something meaningful in life other than just surviving, but if I cannot even keep a entry level job what can I really do?

Advice need.

 

[QuickTwist]

Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

I'm not that smart, but I try really hard and I always end up in a worse situation than before. Life is hard and it is a struggle day to day. If only I could solve more of my problems better -life would be easier. I wanted to be a police officer, but they said people like me aren't fit for the job. I try to talk to my social worker as often as i can, but sometimes I can't visit with them. I want to go to school, but I don't have the money to pay for it because I just got laid off from my job where I worked for a year and a half. I hope someone can help me out of the route I have been in since high school. I even graduated. I'm happy about that. But life is hard and sometimes I don't have the money to pay the bills. I don't like opening mail from bill collectors but I have to do it anyways.

My social worker helped me write this.

Can anyone help?

 

[somebodiesfool]

Re: Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

Could try school part time so you could do a job too. Then your tuition would be less.

 

[computerhxr]

Re: Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

Life is a struggle for everyone. The last two years of my life pretty much destroyed everything that I had been working towards my whole life. I had to completely let go of every single one of my dreams and start over. I haven't been able to pay my bills for over a year so I racked up massive amounts of debt. I will spare you the sob-story but I learned my lesson and I'm ready to move forward.

Have you tried applying for financial aid? They can cover the cost of books, tuition, and rent for the first few years of college. It's based on financial need, so assuming your parents aren't rich then there is free government money out there that you should take advantage of.

Go to a community college and things will turn around for you. Explore your interests and figure out what you want to do with your life. Just avoid committing to anything that requires a degree until you're sure. There are plenty of general requirements that you could explore before making a decision.

Do you have any other interests that you would like to turn into a career? What is it that made you want to be a police officer?

Where do you live? What bills are you unable to pay? How long have you been behind on payments?

Can you move in with your parents to save some money until you get back on your feet?

No one is dumb, they just have more challenges than others to overcome. You are in a depressive cycle so your brain is all tied up with worry instead of thinking about something positive and looking for opportunities. Just getting out and wandering around will make you feel better, and maybe you will see an opening that you want to apply for.

I can help you write your resume and teach you how to stand out during an interview process, even if you are not qualified for the job. The truth is that you learn most of what you do for work on the job for 90% of positions. Qualifications and a diploma get you in the door, but it doesn't mean much after that.

 

[QuickTwist]

Re: Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

This will make me sound like an asshole but I made this as a dupe thread because I knew it would get a response. Here is the real thread: http://intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=21496

 

[Black Rose]

Re: Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

i wanted to create a.i. but i cannot even learn programming on my own. school would be a waste of time. . im 27 and know more about what i need to do but don't have the motivation anymore for a degree that is only for a job in reality not cool research. but i am not giving up, i just accept what i can not do. I am hopeful the tools i need will be here soon.

QuickTwist you don't have to be good at anything i have been in that mindset also, what you need is to explore and create things and learn things and make it for yourself. i pick and choose the information i think is relevant to me because to much is there that isn't and i don't want to take the time to do stuff i dislike so neither should you.

 

[QuickTwist]

Re: Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

Thank you AK, that has been an answer to prayer for me... I'll give you 3 guesses if I am joking or not.

No, but srsly, I do appreciate your feedback. When you give advice it makes a lot of sense. I will try to receive it as a word of caution as well as general advice for the future.

 

[computerhxr]

Re: Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

This will make me sound like an asshole but I made this as a dupe thread because I knew it would get a response. Here is the real thread: http://intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=21496

Calling yourself an asshole is a positive affirmation of a negative quality. You are building that part of your brain so that it dominates your life. You need to focus on the positive and things will get better.

 

[Absurdity]

Re: Its hard being the dullest crayon in the box.

This will make me sound like an asshole but I made this as a dupe thread because I knew it would get a response. Here is the real thread: http://intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=21496

Threads merged.

 

[QuickTwist]

Diagnose me.

Do you guys think I really am a schizo or do you think I am just an attention whore.

I don't expect this thread to get many responses and I also think it very well could get sent to the irrelevant thread section. The one that starts with an O. Every time I try to sound it out I fail.

Also how smart do you think I am?

Also what is the most eccentric part of me?

I am perfectly ok with people giving advice or just telling me they hate me in in some form or another. All I am looking for is info on what you think of me.

 

[Fukyo]

I merged your "Diagnose me" thread with the other one you made, as they all revolve around you and your problems. It would be appreciated if you'd keep similar content in one thread.

 

[Cherry Cola]

You do seem genuinely schizoaffective imo

 

[QuickTwist]

I merged your "Diagnose me" thread with the other one you made, as they all revolve around you and your problems. It would be appreciated if you'd keep similar content in one thread.

I will try to do this. It is hard to do this with the schizophrenia though. I approve of the thread title. Its pretty funny.

 

[QuickTwist]

But still no real help from anyone on these problems.

 

[redbaron]

I think you should worry less about what other people think of you. What do you think of yourself?

 

[QuickTwist]

I love myself, but I have problems that I want solved. It is hard for me to solve these problems myself.

 

[Fukyo]

Computerhxr gave you good advice. People on the internet can't help you man. Nobody here knows you, ultimately nobody can help you but yourself, when it comes to advice, unless you decide to follow it, it's useless. As ESC said in another thread, the only thing internet users can offer is words, and if you don't act on them or internalize the advice you're getting they're useless.

 

[QuickTwist]

Computerhxr gave you good advice. People on the internet can't help you man. Nobody here knows you, ultimately nobody can help you but yourself, when it comes to advice, unless you decide to follow it, it's useless. As ESC said in another thread, the only thing internet users can offer is words, and if you don't act on them or internalize the advice you're getting they're useless.

You're right as usual. I should not have disregarded Computerhxrs advice. The only thing I can think of that doesn't agree with what you said is that I feel it would be no different than how a psychologist can help you. Psychologists can give some really good advice. But I digress, I see your point. This is the interwebs and there is a ton of stuff going on. I should not expect people to drop everything and do everything they can to help solve my problems.

 

[Fukyo]

Regardless of who gives you advice - a psychologist, social worker, internet users or your mom, if you don't take it seriously it's useless, in other words, you have to help yourself.

 

[QuickTwist]

I just remembered why I am not currently in a community college currently. Its cuz I'm on academic and financial aid suspension. I have to write a letter so some assistant dean of admissions or something like that and have no idea where to start. What's holding me back is that I want to do it perfectly and am not sure how to do that.