How to support an *NFP

[Dimensional Transition]

My dad's an *NFP(he's always kind of melodramatically claiming he has no friends, but at the same time he always claims to like being alone... Bit 50/50 really.), and he recently lost his job. Now I've always gotten along really well with my dad and I would like to support him a little more. Being an NFP he's always quite pessimistic about things, so I find it hard to go in against those feelings of his. I try to rationalize and pull him out of his vicious cycles all the time but it gets exhausting.

For example, nearly everyday he starts REALLY LONG monologues about how humanity will be extinct within 200 years because we're destroying the earth, and that all money is going to the 'top-layer of society' et cetera et cetera...

I usually get where he's coming from, but he just can't stop rambling on about these things, especially since he's lost his job. I try to keep him a little optimistic by offering my ideas on where they might still accept someone his age and knowledge, but it doesn't seem to be working too well. My dad has been depressed before, and I really don't want him to fall into that dark abyss again.

He always claims he's super rational and can view everything objectively, but sometimes he gets so engulfed in his emotions sometimes he really can't make sharp decisions anymore it seems.


So with this information, how do I keep him a little more optimistic? All those dark conversations and cynical remarks all the time really work like a virus. I don't like seeing my dad be this pessimistic all the time.

 

[Jordan~]

I'm gonna guess INFP - I'm the same, always complaining I don't ever see anyone, then I love getting some time alone at home when I do.

Two pronged approach: Don't let him feel isolated and don't let him feel useless.

Try to remind him that there are good things and good people in the world, that he isn't alone in a hostile world. Neither need be objectively true; only beautiful enough that they must be believed in. He's obviously looking at the way things are and finding himself despondent with it. Prove to him that it's still a good place, that there are still things in the world that make it worth fighting for and make life worthwhile - an uplifting or beautiful movie, book, song, game, place, person, or whatever. A few things at once works best - the right mix and, if he's an INFP, you can get him crying with joy. Last time that happened to me, I'd just finished reading a Final Fantasy 8 Let's Play, I had Not Alone from the soundtrack stuck in my head, and I went out for a smoke about twilight, just before the sun rose, and everything seemed so beautiful and the world seemed so wonderful. Reminisce about the good times, too - they can evoke powerful, positive emotions.

And try to remind him that he can still fight back, that the battle's not yet lost. When he's despairing at length about the state of the world, remind him that he can do something about it (maybe not much, but still something) - not in a, "Well, why don't you do something about it, then!?" way but in a, "Surely there's got to be something we can do about it?" way. And if he says there isn't, suggest something. Anything that makes him feel like he's making as much of a positive difference as he can. I think the best way to make an INFP feel happy is to make them feel good - "You're a good dad" would probably really cheer him up, if he's miserable about not having a job, "You're a good person" isn't exactly relevant but it is likely to make him feel better.

In short, he may feel that his ideals are impossible. The remedy is to make him feel like the world is a good place, people are good, and eventually we'll make everything better. He may also feel like he's not doing the right thing. The remedy is to encourage him to think that he is, and moreso to encourage him to do things that will make him feel like he's doing the right thing.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Thanks, that was really helpful! I'll try and convince him more of the good sides of the world, even though it's hard. He tends to come with these far-fetched dramatic responses about how there are too many stupid people in the world to ever make a difference and such.

Lately I've just been screaming to him 'Then do something about it! You're always complaining but there's no fucking point to it if you don't do anything!', I'm gonna stop doing that, then. I thought it might just finally make him realize there's no point in being negative so much. Even though I'm a pretty cynical person too, but yeah.
There are times at which we seem to have come to a happy conclusion, but he just doesn't stay with it. He may be happy for one or two days, but then he's all down in the dumps again.

 

[Roni]

What Jordan said.

Also keep an eye out for signs of Depression (meaning the illness, not just normal 'down in the dumps').
I'm not sure what his/your culture requires of men but here a man >50 loses a huge and vital chunk of self-worth when he loses his job. Being a good man means being a good provider. All the other fun/human stuff is just decoration. If he isn't providing for his family he fails as a person.
This wouldn't do him much harm if he was easily employable - he'd solve the problem just by getting a new job - but many men here in that age bracket find all their years of experience mean nothing because they don't have the documented qualifications modern employers require. They end up overwhelmed by their own sense of uselessness with no hope of escape.

So definitely give him all the 'I still value you and the world still has its positives' support that Jordan suggested to help him avoid a downward spiral, but also be prepared to encourage him into professional support if you see he's losing that battle.

Re MBTI - at least you're both N so you can sympathise with his tendency to catastrophise! Watch out for your F/T conflict - he'll be assessing values (good/bad, right/wrong) but you'll be assessing facts (correct/incorrect, probable/improbable) and you could easily end up frustrating each other.

Not Re MBTI, but possibly of interest-
I once spent several years working with the unemployed. There was a study done on the psychology of unemployment (I have no idea where to find it now) that we used to develop some of our resourcing strategies. As I recall:
1) Harass the recently unemployed via regular checks they're using all available methods of seeking work and are stretching themselves to apply for everything they're not disqualified to do. This was to harness their 'denial' phase - they still believe they will get a new job very soon (and approx 90% would) so all we had to do was make sure they didn't limit themselves too much.
2) After 3 months, leave them alone. This is their 'lowest' point when they can no longer deny they're unemployed but haven't developed any coping strategies or alternative sources of self-worth. If they approached us for help at this point we let them do all the talking, keeping our ears open for the flags of suicidal ideation and having our mental health resources ready. If they'd complied with all our requests in the first 3 months and were still unemployed we knew they were in that other 10%, statistically unlikely to find permanent work within a year, if ever. We didn't tell them that though.
3) 3 months later, start harassing again but more gently, this time focussed on preventing complete disengagement from the workforce. By now they've figured out they're unemployable by the standards they understand and have found ways to adjust to an unemployed lifestyle, so they 'feel better' in themselves even if objectively their mental health is poorer than the employed. Now, before they get too comfortable, we push them into study, part time work opportunities and voluntary work to keep them 'employed' and connected to the networks where permanent employment might be found eventually.

 

[Jordan~]

Re T/F, try to keep your critical faculties under control. If he says something positive but not factual, let it slide. If he says something negative but factual, play devil's advocate and try challenging it.

I don't know about the providing thing - I'd always think of myself more as a supporter than a provider. That might be a luxury I can only afford by dint of not being straight, though; the expectations are different. In any case it'd be best to try to keep him active, at least, doing something.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Yeah, my dad is/was the biggest provider. I can definitely understand how it must feel shitty. He always hated his job too, though.

Thanks to our social laws, my dad will continue to receive 70% of his salary for another 3 years. He's forced to look for jobs and such though.

This is really helpful all, thanks guys.

Also, my dad seems to have picked up this weird strategy of saying 'OH WELL AT LEAST I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME NOW, I BETTER ENJOY IT' in this really scary sounding way... I don't know. I think he might be depressed already. It just seems like he's hiding this terribly dark feeling inside him constantly and it feels like some day it's just going to come out and he'll start throwing chairs or some shit. He's done that before. And when I was little I can recall him saying stuff about jumping in front of a train and such, really freaked me out back then. He really has to get more positive.