How to make new friends as an INTP?

[herbert_quain]

Hello I have been a loner for quite sometime and did not mind too much actually.
I enjoyed having a lot of time for myself, reading, thinking, doing my own things.

Lately I have found myself wishing to increase my social life.
I have literally no friend except for my girlfriend, I do not even have a Facebook account.
Luckily I have some nice colleagues I hang out with sometimes and that's it.

I guess you may suggest to try to be friend of your colleagues, but this I already know, I am already working on it.

I am just curious if somebody experiences some successful way to make new friends using some website, or anything else, especially friends which are meaningful to INTPs.

 

[Mithrandir]

I had posted this somewhere else but could apply here as well:

I would recommend finding a local boardgame group to participate in, for a few reasons. First, you are likely to find intelligent INs and NTs there who you'd probably share many thought processes with. Second, interaction will occur naturally while the rules, questions, and answers are interchanged, which makes starting a rapport almost effortless. And third, even if you don't like anyone there, you'll still have something to do (playing a boardgame) where complete silence is completely acceptable and not awkward. Furthermore, if you develop a genuine interest in boardgames (an industry which has had an explosion of quality in the last decade), you'll always have something to talk with them about while increasing your critical thinking.

 

[Cæilon]

You have to go outside. Why not go places with your girlfriend and make friends together?

The only downside to this is that it can be rather awkward if your relationship ends badly.

Try joining a social gathering website. One of those sites where you can arrange trips to concerts, etc...

A word of advice though is not to cherry-pick people who could potentially be your friend. People are full of surprises and most people are awesome once you get to know them properly.

 

[Brontosaurie]

A word of advice though is not to cherry-pick people who could potentially be your friend. People are full of surprises and most people are awesome once you get to know them properly.

this is more of a tip for sensors who have extremely stupid and ill informed prejudice. us N's usually have valid prejudice.

 

[Cæilon]

this is more of a tip for sensors who have extremely stupid and ill informed prejudice. us N's usually have valid prejudice.

If by valid prejudice, you mean snobby then ok.

"We all figure that our homes are set above other people than ones we know and love".

 

[Brontosaurie]

If by valid prejudice, you mean snobby then ok.

"We all figure that our homes are set above other people than ones we know and love".

you make no sense, might wanna check that

 

[Cæilon]

you make no sense, might wanna check that

Depends how you're using prejudice. Primarily it is a negative term which is why I used the term snobby.

It fits perfectly well based on observations.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Depends how you're using prejudice. Primarily it is a negative term which is why I used the term snobby.

It fits perfectly well based on observations.

prejudice: deciding something in advance based on generalization of surface cues

you can have a failed one or a successful one

matter of definitions. yours may also be valid, depending on context. but here in this context i used the word as specified above.

 

[k9b4]

I recommend developing yourself in the ways of SF so that you can socialize with more people.

SF skills are pretty handy for social situations.

Remember that developing yourself in SF will NOT make you any less of an INTP.

 

[Brontosaurie]

Remember that developing yourself in SF will NOT make you any less of an INTP.

it can also be manipulative and covertly derogative. is that better?

 

[Cæilon]

it can also be manipulative and covertly derogative. is that better?

Only if you choose to be a dick about it. The traits are a sliding scale, not pigeon holes we neatly slot into.

 

[k9b4]

it can also be manipulative and covertly derogative. is that better?

What is 'better'? Developing your SF side will improve your social skills. It will make you better at socializing.

I don't really know what you mean here.

Only if you choose to be a dick about it. The traits are a sliding scale, not pigeon holes we neatly slot into.

They aren't even sliding scales. Developing your F does not cause your T to un-develop.

 

[Cæilon]

They aren't even sliding scales. Developing your F does not cause your T to un-develop.

Oh, I was referring to dominance. Apologies.

 

[Bock]

A word of advice though is not to cherry-pick people who could potentially be your friend. People are full of surprises and most people are awesome once you get to know them properly.

Don't forget to just be yourself too!

 

[Cognisant]

Girlfriend, colleagues and now a forum, dude what more do you want?

I don't know where you find the time.

 

[doncarlzone]

I doubt anyone here or anywhere else could say anything that would be of much help. It's one of those things that likely cannot, and should not be systematized, unless of course you're fine settling with a dog.

I have one close friend - am I now suddenly an enlightened person who enjoys the wisdom of getting close friends? Of course not, it was probably more luck than anything else.

But here is another good cliché; don't be desperate.

 

[Architect]

I have a few personal guidelines for friendship and socialization that have worked for me over the years.

Assumptions:

• There's plenty of low grade socialization in the world. At the workplace, with family, daily life (shopping etc) and certainly online. That kind of socialization is an onslaught, even if you try to minimize it (see below) then it will still likely be too much.
• You have a job, are a student or are otherwise required to be out in the world so have plenty of opportunities.

Guidelines:

• Minimize casual socialization. For me the uninvited socialization (workplace etc) is already too much, I don't need to increase it. I don't use Facebook or any social media, which is dominated by the extraverted types anyhow.*
• Keep the SO and family relationships strong - they get priority.
• Keep friendship list down to one or two people. More than that is too much work to maintain.
• Usually try to center social activity and friends around a common interest. Otherwise it has to be "dinner party" socialization, or mutual circumstances (kids etc) which is more the domain of S types and which I hate.
• For men, other than INTP I find that I get along with ISF types the most easily. My best friend is an ISFP. I like Feelers, it's a balance to me.

Those rules work for me. I'm curious to see how things change when I resign from my job. With a job I find that I can't cut down my social life enough, but the people around me (S and extraverted) probably consider me a loner. Which I am compared to their hundreds of active friends.

This would also be very different for another type, I know an INFJ who needs more socialization then that.

Edit: Oh, and so you know about joining hobby groups, like Astronomy, Audio or whatever. It's a good way to meet people but it will be dominated by IST types. I noticed this, astro clubs were all ISTJ types, audio was ISXX types, and these groups are filled with fanatics. Recently I was reading Lenore Thompson who points out these are the types most likely to go into a specialty hobby club together. FYI. Occasionally you'll see an ENTP, but I never found an INXX (maybe INTJ) AFAIK.

* This forum is casual socialization obviously. Which is why I get testy at times, I'm here for discussion and not socialization, when my meter pegs I want to turn it off.

 

[Ex-User (8886)]

• For men, other than INTP I find that I get along with ISF types the most easily. My best friend is an ISFP. I like Feelers, it's a balance to me.

My best friend is also ISFP. It's nice and easy relationship, ISFP generally take care about everything. Only their Fi frustrate sometimes, if I want say something important for me, and the ISFP don't want to listen, because he want focuse on things important for him ;D

But it teaches me, that if I want say something, I should say it audibly and laudly. It's importand also when I want say something in bigger groups.

 

[Architect]

My best friend is also ISFP. It's nice and easy relationship, ISFP generally take care about everything. Only their Fi frustrate sometimes, if I want say something important for me, and the ISFP don't want to listen, because he want focuse on things important for him

Yeah my buddy can be annoying, he's a LDS Republican to boot. But I'm probably annoying too sometimes.

 

[Oddity]

What is 'better'? Developing your SF side will improve your social skills. It will make you better at socializing.

I don't know about "SF side". I have Fe and I also have Si. Developing my Fe is very relevant to my ability to socialize properly. Si doesn't really have much to do with socializing, although developing it more would make me less unhealthy which would indirectly improve my socialization abilities. I wouldn't say I have an "SF side" though.

 

[nanook]

Si is the context in which you can socialize most easily, it's ritualistic settings. for me it's going to a social anxiety self-help group or similar, albeit as a presumed infp i am ST (SiTe), so i combine a ritualistic setting with a problem solving (Te) psychoanalytic (Fi) way of relating to people. as someone has mentioned, board games are more of a typical SiFe setting, ritualistic but superficially friendly and fluffy with lots of laughter and puns, Fe stuff.

 

[k9b4]

I wouldn't say I have an "SF side" though.

Then you must develop an SF side.

puns, Fe stuff

I thought puns were an intuition thing - purposefully using a word in such a way that it can obviously mean multiple different things.

 

[Mordecai]

I've always found comedy is a fantastic way to make new friends. From what I've read, INTPs sometimes struggle to make relatable jokes. I tend to be very quiet and reserved for several days when in the presence of strangers, silently analyzing what makes them laugh, what upsets them, what interests them. Eventually I'll start making comments, usually joke I think they can relate to, and I let them handle the relationship from there. Once you've made a few friends, it isn't nearly as difficult to befriend new people, because you already have a group backing you up.

 

[Jennywocky]

I recommend developing yourself in the ways of SF so that you can socialize with more people.

SF skills are pretty handy for social situations.

Remember that developing yourself in SF will NOT make you any less of an INTP.

Oh, yes, that's what everyone thinks, until they find themselves oogling over babies and keeping a day planner and crying over "LifeTime for Women" Hallmark specials and making their husband sammiches, all while wondering how their lives became such an unendurable and despicable hell.

I don't know about "SF side". I have Fe and I also have Si. Developing my Fe is very relevant to my ability to socialize properly. Si doesn't really have much to do with socializing, although developing it more would make me less unhealthy which would indirectly improve my socialization abilities. I wouldn't say I have an "SF side" though.

Yes, along these lines I think it's a stupid false dichotomy to call it an SF side. It's called "learning how to engage others and the world" and involves developing some relational and practical life management skills... all of which can be done for perfectly rational reasons and not necessarily out of compulsion / their own sake.

What I see is certain skills getting erroneously lumped into "some other type's" bucket so that people can then have an excuse to reject them in a misguided attempt to "protect the self," whereas in reality these skills would expand the self and the self's potential for empowerment. I wouldn't tell an SF person to "think less" in order to preserve their SF'y self. Thoughts, values, creativity, accomplishment... all of these things are accessible by all people, reasonably.

 

[mooncrater]

I'd say....ask people about themselves and specifically some of their problems when you get to that level. It astounds me how much (edit: most) people enjoy talking about themselves. This may sound tedious, but if you ask the right questions and amuse yourself through psychoanalysis, the time you spend together is generally worthwhile. I have some friends that, when we spend time together, we only talk about his/her life. My more well-mannered friends will see the need to ask about mine.

INTPs can make excellent counselor/friends. Cool, serene, and seemingly non-judgmental. Some people really need this, and are very appreciative. But be wary - when things are going well for them and they think they have things figured out, they may not see the need for you anymore. Such is the life of the divine

Ask questions, listen, and smile. Tell a story. Gain knowledge and perspective from their words, and add it to the ol' database.

 

[Debase]

I myself was on my way posting about this topic when stumbling upon this thread. It wasn't until after high school I realized the necessity in getting external input to my own thoughts and to feel connected with other people. The urge for solitude seems really counterproductive in the long run if its some kind of harmony you seek. Not many things are more stressful than involuntary loneliness. Unfortunately I'm also pretty clueless when it comes to finding the right tools to get back in the game and improve my social skills.

 

[Mordecai]

Please note I have not read any comments, so this has probably already been said.

I have one word for you, HUMOR. It is a fantastic way to become friends with someone.
Here's my way of making friends.

First, I observe. I look for potential friends. A handful of folks are out of the question. Once I find someone I'm compatible with, I analyze. Look for what makes them laugh, what they enjoy. Then, adjust accordingly. Crack some jokes you think will make them laugh. If they don't, oh well, no harm done. If they do, that's great. You're on your way to becoming friends. I tend to befriend extroverts first, then slide into friendships with introverts. Extroverts, if amused, will often begin initiating conversations. If you become good enough friends, you'll probably be introduced to more people. Play your cards right, and you might just amass a whole group of friends.

I myself had a handful of very introverted friends when I was younger, but upon entering high school I met an ENFP who I became good friends with. They pretty much taught me how to befriend people.

Just my thoughts. Good luck, I suppose.

 

[ferrumerux741]

About that, I have a simple theory: "You attract things you deserve." Just become someone who deserves true friendship, and true friends will come by themselves. It means that you should just be yourself, be nice to others, and so on. After you handled yourself, just look out for a random someone and if you think that the person is a potential friend, just start a conversation. See it as learning from others, not socializing.
I personally get my friends from gut feelings ("I think we are meant to be more than just acquaintances"), random conversations (I suddenly start a conversation with them, because I want to be a lady, and a lady is polite), or simply because they are my friends' friends and I just want to be a nice person. The wrong and 'useless' people would just reject me from the start, so I won't have to worry about them. The wrong and 'useful' wouldn't be nice, but I can learn many things from them. The right ones will prove themselves after some time and conflicts.

 

[StevenM]

I have a really hard time making new friends as well. But I guess it's very obvious as to why.

To sum it up, I'm unlikely to put myself in the opportunity. I'm like a guy who walks around blindfolded, and I'm wondering why I'm not lucky enough to spot any random money on the street.

Every time I met a good friend in the past, was a time I decided to risk getting out of my comfort zone.

There's a certain aspect of character that plays a part as well.

 

[redbaron]

Make animal noises.

 

[StevenM]

Make animal noises.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--PyKhohVcY

 

[redbaron]

See, don't you want to make friends with that guy? I do.

 

[Yellow]

I have a hard time making friends too. If I'm going to be honest, I have only formed my few substantial friendships through fooling around. It's because I'm more comfortable (for lack of a better word) in sexual situations than in social, work, school, etc. situations. I'm not saying INTPs should unzip their pants and yell "who wants to make a new friend?!", but perhaps we are most successful in making friends where we are most comfortable.

 

[Pyropyro]

I'm not saying INTPs should unzip their pants and yell "who wants to make a new friend?!",

Indeed, you should yell "Attention Everybody! Say hello to my little friend!"

but perhaps we are most successful in making friends where we are most comfortable.

I prefer to have friends that has a history of getting things done since they can make me comfortable even in dire situations. I can tolerate babbling to a certain degree provided that you can back that mouth of yours with awesome actions.

 

[Nibbler]

How to make new friends as an INTP?

I can sometimes make friends through mingling. But when I pick someone out "I want to be friends with that person!" so far I've tried:

Hanging around.
Sending random emails.
Finding out something interesting about the person and go find them to talk about it.
Seeing them walk by and talking about "stuff" for a minute before letting them go.


(I have two friends--gratefully one is E/INTP herself. Don't follow my lead.)

 

[ToughRye]

I have one word for you, HUMOR. It is a fantastic way to become friends with someone.
Here's my way of making friends.

Absolutely, use Ne and Fe generally. Use Ti and Si as well to engage the whole function stack.

I have a hard time making friends too. If I'm going to be honest, I have only formed my few substantial friendships through fooling around. It's because I'm more comfortable (for lack of a better word) in sexual situations than in social, work, school, etc. situations. I'm not saying INTPs should unzip their pants and yell "who wants to make a new friend?!", but perhaps we are most successful in making friends where we are most comfortable.

I find it hard to meet people and get friends. I try to join organizations or clubs where I can meet people on basis of common interests.

 

[Nanith Omicron]

1. Find someone who's intellectually similar to you
2. Ask question and give thoughtful answer
3.?????
4. PROFIT!

Joke aside, this is how friendship usually work for me. It's visceral. Well, it's the only method that I found without menial chitchat. Maybe I just do not know the appropriate way to make friend. However , in psychology, the more that you know details about a persons, the more the relationship is going well.

 

[Pizzabeak]

should how can intp make friend with intps

 

[Seteleechete]

I don't

 

[Oddity]

Yes, along these lines I think it's a stupid false dichotomy to call it an SF side. It's called "learning how to engage others and the world"

Oh, jeez, I need to start doing that. It feels like such a pain in the ass, though.

 

[Giant Party Donut]

poop on their faces
freeze time and salt a taco

 

[Rualani]

I'd say....ask people about themselves and specifically some of their problems when you get to that level. It astounds me how much (edit: most) people enjoy talking about themselves. This may sound tedious, but if you ask the right questions and amuse yourself through psychoanalysis, the time you spend together is generally worthwhile. I have some friends that, when we spend time together, we only talk about his/her life. My more well-mannered friends will see the need to ask about mine.

INTPs can make excellent counselor/friends. Cool, serene, and seemingly non-judgmental. Some people really need this, and are very appreciative. But be wary - when things are going well for them and they think they have things figured out, they may not see the need for you anymore. Such is the life of the divine

Ask questions, listen, and smile. Tell a story. Gain knowledge and perspective from their words, and add it to the ol' database.

Yeah, I can agree with this point. I have had a lot of people 'steal' my ear for awhile. I'm usually just listening to try and figure out why the hell I wouldn't be able to get along with this person in normal circumstances. In the end, I just hear a bunch of peoples stories...