I was going to let this thread die because I felt like it was mental masturbation but after re-reading some posts, there are some things I do want to clear up because I do see a certain practical need to it.
I get the same feeling about your posts loisgonnadie to be honest. Coupled with how you have a response to every suggestion, about how you can't do that for one reason or another. It's not possible to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Giving feedback is pointless if you don't want to even try to accept any of it.
Actually, no, in many of my responses I haven't been like that. A lot of it has just been asking people questions about things I wasn't sure about. Look, if I was that negative, I wouldn't say things like "since I'm on Earth, why not give it a shot?" or "I shouldn't be focusing on worst case scenarios right now, considering I still have quite a few options. " I only say I can't do something if I have a logical basis for it i.e. "I can't do this right now because it's an anxiety trigger for me and anxiety causes me to lose focus." I just say things like that to add clarity, so the person on the thread giving me advice can have some understanding which could lead to better advice. It doesn't mean I don't want to ever tackle the problem. And no, I'm not looking for validation that I can't do something -- if anything, I'm doing it for validation that I can because my anxiety gets so amped up I feel like if someone with more experience with it says "yes, you can you just have to work at it hard" I won't feel so demotivated about working towards it because my anxiety says "since you don't have much experience with the world, you should probably trust someone else's answer than yours!" even though I know that's bullshit. But since it's emotional, I feel like I have to do it anyway. even though it was stupid. But that shit doesn't really matter.
I don't believe you have nothing to talk about with people, even online. What are you doing all day on your laptop? Surely you must at least be reading something that is enriching your perspective, something giving you food for thought, something giving you things to talk about? If you are not, then start doing it.
Again, I don't know the fundamentals of anything. So yeah I don't know that much enough to contribute to most discussions, especially IRL when social-style is more on the fly. Really, I haven't done much besides playing video games and escaping into my imagination based on those games, and watched people stream those games on Twitch. I've generally just used the internet to marinate and chill. Yes, there were things that piqued my interest, like Typology, but I've never been able to really dive deep into it because of my lack of focus. Looking back over the past 6 years I've felt like I used certain hobbies as a method of coping rather than actually being interested in it. I feel like it was a defense mechanism against my depression, feeling the need to latch onto something to make myself feel more secure rather than genuinely being interested in it. It's never really gone anywhere. The lack of focus and comprehension thought pattern continues today and I'm at a loss about what to do about it. Also it's funny because talking with someone else on a forum about this, they suggested that studying words and concepts weren't ideal right now given my situation. However, that's essential if I want to improve it because a great deal of my bad situation involves not being able to relate to people (and as you attest to, because I don't know anything or have anything to talk about; so I'm confirming this for you -- I have generally done nothing on my laptop.)
^ honestly this is the only thing I really want you to pay attention to and give me an answer about here. I really want to start learning about shit --
seriously -- but I can't because I often cannot focus, which leads to incomprehension. Reading paragraphs are not good for me right now. I tend to skim and often when I have to read every word when trying to understand something, the anxiety rushes through me (subtly) which causes me to miss key things. I also feel like jumping out of my skin. When I watch videos on youtube, I often find that the rate that someone explains things goes by really fast, which causes me to go back on certain timeframes repeatedly. So it's kind of the same thing. How can I work around this? Do you have experience with this? What has helped you? Should I not focus on it right now if it's that much of a trigger?
No I am
not asking you this just for some narrative of how severe my situation is just so I can have a bullshit excuse to throw a pity party for myself. I'm asking you this because I genuinely want advice. Besides drugs/nootropics, nutrition, or really anything that costs money -- I'm at a loss on how to deal with this. Maybe exercise or meditation. I cannot find a way to efficiently hold information and learn. I want to, and at this juncture I probably need to. Insight would be appreciated here.
If I would be completely honest, I thought the exact same thing as Fukyo. I thought to myself: there seems to be two kinds of people: those who look for help only as a way to find narratives for perpetuating their current state, and those who actually want to change themselves.
This is not what is going on. At all. Might seem like it because I haven't responded to posts that had solid advice (Like Tannhauser's and Redfire's) but that was because I didn't see anything that needed clarity and there was nothing else to do but listen to them. Hell tannhauser, your post about concrete goals inspired me to start writing shit down. I guess I should have confirmed that by saying "thanks, I'm gonna take your advice!" each time but I don't want to fill the thread with shitposts, lol.
You don't have to participate in this forum, per se, but interacting with others online is a stepping stone for other interactions. You need to become a part of a collective, even an online one. It might not sound like much, but it's a start.
Actually, I kind of am making that step of talking to people online since I keep responding. I have questions and strings of them mean I'm trying to converse with people. Hell, I'm considering taking your advice and posting on some threads on here when I have the time. Because why the fuck not? I relate to the INTP type in the dichotomy perspective, which means there's social overlap between myself and other members (even though in Jungian I'm probably not an INTP) so I can see myself positively contributing on some level, as low as that level may be.
For argument sake, I think the things that would really be holding you back if what you say is true is your family. If your family is the cause, if you get rid of them you will treat the symptom. I have to say, IDK how bad your family has abused you and therefor don't know how bad your symptoms are. I will say that I don't know why you didn't start this thread with the premise of talking about your family abuse since that is the real cause of your symptoms.
It was only my father who abused me and everyone including my mother were affected. My mother has supported us financially for the past 4-5 years, so she's fine -- even though she really has her own shit (not getting into that). It's the indirect effects (being taken out of school because my dad was the breadwinner and couldn't provide shit, being trapped at home for 3+ years during puberty which led me to be unable to relate to people and developing social anxiety and then depression) that led to my situation now. So you're right that it probably did cause these symptoms, just indirectly. That's irrelevant because I had a negative reaction to the family abuse (chemical reaction mind you) so ultimately it is my fault, since I've had some opportunities over the past 6 years and I've pretty much blown all of them because of my depression/anxiety complex developed. (Depression was not a natural state for me before). I've accepted what happened to my father, even though it does suck. I've put it behind me though.
You can get tools and ideas 'while' you take your steps and improve. I don't expect you to do it alone and on strength of will alone. No one can change for the better in complete isolation. We all need someone.
Why did you edit or delete your post? It was much longer. It was a good post too. Yeah it's hard because I have pretty much no one, which is why I consulted the forum. I was referencing this post BTW:
Yes, accept it and make the best of things.
Yeah, again I got the feeling you just said this because you were under the impression that I wanted someone to confirm this because I wanted an excuse (which was again, not true, in fact the opposite) just to shut me up because you thought I was full of shit. I mean, if you provided at least some brief analysis as to why you thought that instead of point blank just saying "your situation is that bad." I would believe otherwise but you didn't, so I think you were trying to shut me up. It doesn't matter though because it was a dumb question.
Kuu's post is my favorite thus far, though I have some concerns:
3. You don't need to "catch up" to anything. This is the most poisonous thought you have right now. Learn to live life on your own terms, at your own speed. It is the obsession with these external judgements that is stressing you out. Peace of mind comes from within.
This is really tricky. Yes you're right because pressure can be evil, but I'm afraid if I do this, I'll be taken away by the current, en route to wasting away the next few years. Perhaps I don't need to (inherently I don't) but I want to catch up, which is another thing. I feel like if I just chill out I'll be just coasting, below spectacular things. So I'm not sure how to find balance. I agree with this but I want to pursue a lot at the same time. I think being conscious of it is an advantage.
4. Your first relationship will be a failure, most likely. Not because of your present state, but simply because that's how it is in general, there are too many variables outside of your control. If you seek a relationship in the state you are in now, it is almost a guaranteed trainwreck. Do not seek a relationship now, the opportunity will come once you stabilise yourself and are more prepared to seize it.
Not necessarily, although you're right if I pressure myself too hard. Young love is important to me though (yeah I know, it's kind of stupid to want it so hardcore but I'm just trying to listen to my heart -- here's why I'm probably not an INTP) so I do think that I can stabilize quickly given the right conditions. I know myself pretty well so I won't have any issues being comfortable with/"loving" myself (given I'm on the right track). At that point, since the love thing is so important to me, I don't see myself having an issue holding a relationship since I'd be taking it seriously. At that point I think I would find a balance between passion and pressure. Finding someone might be trickier, but I have some tricks up my sleeve. I feel like I could be good at being able to tell if someone wants something serious.
Fighting yourself is a matter of facing your fears, and getting out of your comfort zone. You (your mind) is your worst enemy. It's what got you into this mess to begin with. Whatever your mind thinks, do the opposite. Try it. Do not think about it. Do it. It will hurt. You will fail. Do it anyway. Understanding will come later. You already know this.
This is also really tricky. I can agree with this, but where is the line between being productive and being reckless? reality triggers me. 2 weeks ago when I hung out with my friend I was just like "fuck it, I just wanna get out of the house. whatever happens happens" and everything I was afraid would happen,
happened. I just feel like failing will have lots of consequences. Not externally, but internally. When I've tried things in this mindset, with little preparation -- it just fueled my depression and anxiety.
I mean, my anxiety prevents me from interacting with the world in real-time. In other words, I'm actually doing things, but I'm not focusing on them. I can't succeed in that mode of being -- I know from experience. Dropped out of tech school because of it. I'm not saying I can't do it ever, just right now with the intense brain chemistry problems, things could get ugly. I know I'm not stupid or incapable, just in the short term, I'm just not sure if it's going to be healthy for me.
I like this mindset when it comes to meditation, exercise, and pushing myself to learn. But when it comes to interacting with the real world, I'm not so sure. Do you think it's too reckless for me or should I just continue to go for it even if it's a trigger?
Now by all means I'm not saying this is bullshit. I will try this, but at the same time I have to be careful.
Seek out your friend, ask him for help. (DO IT)
I've been trying to get a hold of him on three separate occasions in the past week, haven't gotten a response from him. Not sure what else to do but play the waiting game because I feel like I'm on the verge of nagging him.
Avoid diagnosing yourself but you might talk to people on this forum. You seem to have a few things in common.
http://www.psychforums.com/schizoid-personality/
Perhaps asperger? or schizoid? or anything?
Also, I've noticed people have thrown around certain brain disorders to fit some pieces into my situation. At this juncture, this is totally irrelevant unless something else besides a mood disorder is keeping me from functioning (depression and anxiety, mainly anxiety, have been my nemesis the past 6+ years).
Please keep in mind it's so easy to fit someone into a criteria when someone is unhealthy. That doesn't mean they have the disorder. There are many similarities on the surface between SPD and social anxiety.
Done, for now.
