Have you experienced INTP loneliness & isolation?

[nschlaff]

The idea of wanting to be different from other people, to carve out my own path, and to be that individualistic, ingenious problem-solver has always been a dream of mine, yet isolation from society and loneliness has always haunted me. Even as a little kid growing up, I always experienced this innate difference in my thought patterns, actions, and personality from others. My thoughts are nonlinear, a bit scatter-brained. I would spend my free time fantasizing about what it would be like if I had my own planet, musing over my utopian society, creating villains and epic stories in which I was always the hero. My actions were unconventional, and I've always been considered "weird" by others because I always did things in ways that made sense to me but not to other people. Frequently, I would understand things immediately before my peers. People would look to me for answers, and then would completely abandon social interactions with me when they couldn't extract anymore "information" from me. Have you guys experienced this social isolation?

In addition, I frequently find myself looking at people and their daily activities as vain. I look at my daily activities as futile, restraining, repetitive and overwhelming. Sometimes I wish I could just sit up a hill somewhere and just think up new ideas and see them applied immediately.

Recently, when I asked a worker at my university library a question, his friend just started laughing at me. I have this impending sense that I am a virus in a system that hates me because I think, act, talk and dress differently, challenging conventional views and conformity even when it is unpopular to do so. I seek truth above those vain things that people care about such as popularity, security, etc. I hate being patronized, and it seems as if because I am misunderstood by other people, I am despised by them. What is even more disturbing is not that the isolation exists, which is expected (in my mind I rationalize it by convincing myself that I am specially gifted with intellect as an INTP and thereby cannot expect myself to think and act as ordinary human beings), is the loneliness that results from being alienated from society. Part of me does not feel comfortable in my own skin. So I retreat to my world of ideas, imagination, and sometimes drown out the pain and loneliness with music expressing my suffering. I just want to be myself, and I don't want to care what other people think, but my loneliness and islolation still bothers me when it shouldn't. Do you guys experience this loneliness and confusion? How do you deal with it? What effects, if this loneliness exists in your life, has this impending isolation had on you psychologically? For me, I feel as if I'm going crazy because no one understands me.

 

[Cognisant]

You just made the list of people I like, congratulations, it's an exclusive list.

Do you guys experience this loneliness and confusion? How do you deal with it?

I drink, a lot.

Please elaborate on your thoughts, this is the place for weird stuff and weird people

 

[MEDICaustik]

I think you'll find many people here who have often been called "weird". Myself very much included.

Most of us live lives of isolation. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I'd wager that even a lot of married INTPs still feel isolated and lonely laying in bed next to their partner.

I wake up every morning and go through my daily tasks, and spend my whole day day-dreaming of a world where things so pointless wouldn't matter. Every day I spend the majority of my focus and time inside my head, while autopiloting my body to where it has to be to receive money.

At this point, I think I've managed to develop dual personalities. I wear one around people, and I have one in my head. The one in my head escapes on occasion, and tends to embarrass my public personality. So, I often have to repress my real personality, to keep my public personality in tact. Maybe all INTPs are like this, or maybe just me. I don't find it overly exhausting to man these two personalities, but I do find it depressing that the real me isn't socially acceptable.


We're a brand of human that thrives on the processing of information for cold, hard facts. It took me years to figure out that not all people care about truth. A lot of them just want their ego to be stroked. They want their world to be predictable and simple. They want the answers provided for them in nice, neat wrapping paper, and they have no interest in understanding.

We live in a world where these people are the majority, where introversion is seen as undesirable, where social status is often assigned as the definition of a person's worth, and specifically in the "west", where intellectualism is viewed in a negative light.

So to address your point with a conclusion: Yes, I too feel isolated.. because I am. And I've been working on dealing with it for my entire life. Over time, I've developed some of the inferior INTP traits enough that they can now see daylight, and I'm slowly phasing out my public personality to make way for my real personality. It may just be a question of time.

 

[miggslives]

I have always felt that way. By the time I was ten years old I was almost sure that when I turned 18 I would go off and live on my own in recluse and I would be completely fine with it. Now that I am a bit older, I fiend for hanging out. I am always trying to get out of the house because as a kid I spent so much time alone, that I feel like now I am trying to make up for the lost time. Because I feel eventually, old friends will die out. And it is so much harder to make friends in the open world than it is to do so in middle school / high school, because you have daily exposure.

The problem lies: I feel EVEN MORE isolated when I do go try to hang out with a bunch of people. Because I notice even more, nobody is like me. Nobody is trying as hard as I am to simply be here with all these people. I don't know about anyone else, but in a party or a gathering, I am CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY reading peoples gestures and expressions. The smallest little movement of the eyes and I see that they aren't entirely interested in what that person was saying. And so I am always worrying about what everyone is thinking. And I realize nobody else gives a fuck about that, and why am I busting my brain over such a thing? Then I go home that night, like god damnit, why couldn't I have jut been more impulsive and said more? Then I'll feel weird and spend a whole week to myself thinking about it.

And as MEDIC said, yeah I do hate the fact that I have to hide the "real me" in public. I am absolutely terrible at small talk, but it is a daily matter that everyone does. But I am HORRIBLE at it. And the "real me" does not small talk, so when I am talking to some random person, I am being complete bullshit. Not me at all. I want to sit and talk about concepts and theories. But so many people get turned off by that, I end up never talking about it unless someone brings it up: then I am so juiced and have a billion things to say.

And how do I help with the isolation/lonliness? I come onto these forums to read about the horrors of the intp life lol.


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[Affinity]

I guess I've been fortunate to have friends that understand me... To a certain extent. I have had pangs of loneliness and it sucks because sometimes the feeling are worse whilst hanging out with some of my friends or during a social situation, which seems to match what you say. By engaging socially, the contrasting differences becomes much more apparent and counter intuitive to what we try to accomplish originally by putting ourselves out there and being social.

I don't know if there's a way to cure it but I can usually alleviate it for periods of time by focusing more on my self, health, wealth, and knowledge. Having a bunch of short term and long term goals whilst trying my best to stay positive of any situation helps keep my mind busy. Also, trying to make the most of any given moment is a big one, even if in your head you think interaction is pointless and people are fake as fuck. It's when we start to over analyze situations that we stop enjoying it for what it's worth. A lot of it comes down to how you want to perceive it.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Do you guys experience this loneliness and confusion?

Moreso in my past than my present, but, I remember it clearly.

How do you deal with it?

Patience.

What effects, if this loneliness exists in your life, has this impending isolation had on you psychologically? For me, I feel as if I'm going crazy because no one understands me.

Fortunately for me, I managed to find good friends and to marry an NF who gets me.

I utterly sympathize with your plight, though, for I recognize where I might have ended up without them.

 

[Grove]

I understand how you feel, at least to the extent of my experience with what you are saying. What I've found the most frustrating is that I need to work up to being social; kinda like I need to build up my strength to throw myself out there. If those who I hang out with aren't available or if new people I try to initiate friendships with aren't receptive or available in that window, it can throw me back into a loner state. I'm still working on figuring this out & how to stop that cycle.

But, I can say that you don't need to force yourself to hang out with large groups of people you don't know or know well. Walk around town, be observant & look for places where there are people who share your interests. Hang out at those places....it may take a few times before you feel comfortable being there or find someone to talk to. Don't rush yourself, and don't consider not doing it "right" the first time a failure.

Also, don't take yourself too seriously. Being able to laugh at yourself is a life skill everyone should cultivate.

 

[Proletar]

Ten years ago, I thought of myself way, way too serious. I'd remember stuff that I had done that was emberrassing and just freeze, cursing my existance.

I handled it by bending the stick. I did a lot of really emberrassing stuff just to be more comfortable in my day-to-day... Like standing up dancing to the sound of my headphones in class, and it felt horrible. I knew however that it would pass, and eventually I realised that people care 100x more of themselves and their acting than they lay their focus on others. By this realisation, I could bypass everything. People don't care until you approach THEM. Make sure to not offend anyone, and they wont retort.

Then, I started to offend people.

 

[skip]

Oh yeah, all of what you described sounds very familiar. I think one of the hardest things for INTPs is working out is how much they want to participate in the mainstream/ESFJ culture and what they're willing to do to do so. For me that's not a fixed line and I renegotiate it frequently. Some days I'm willing to do more, some less, it depends on my energy and goals. Just acknowledging that helps, especially knowing that the choice and decisions are all mine - that puts the power (and responsibility) back with me, not them.

Rigorously pursue your interests. Some of them will lead to dead ends, some will lead to people you can identify with. Sometimes you'll find a place and it'll dry up for whatever reason after a while. It's important that you not take the dead ends or drying up personally. That's just life. Move on to find new stuff and new people.

Exercise. You can do that alone or not but your brain chemicals and hormones need the balancing act exercise provides, it's not optional.

Belief in a religion has helped me a lot: it provides an essential and fundamental connectedness to others, a sense of hope and belonging, participation in regular rituals and sacraments... that all keeps me buoyed and going - now. I was as far away from it as I could be, twenty years back. Be careful about falling into black & white beliefs about yourself. Allow yourself room to change.

Good manners and smiling - by their rules, not ours - are invaluable skills. Once they become habits they are nearly effortless. The cost to you is minimal and the payoff high. Smiling + being polite will get you through a lot. A whole lot. More than you think. You don't have to do it all the time, consider those things tools you use for your own purposes.

Make sure you schedule enough down time to regroup. I do better in short bursts with time alone after to recover. Recharge time is also not optional and it's one of those things you can't compare with anyone else or let them dictate to you. The amount and type of down time you need is unique to you.

It sounds like you have a wonderful mind for stories, how about finding a writers' group to toss around ideas with? Or several writers groups?

It gets better and easier as you learn more about yourself and accumulate experience navigating the world. Hang in there.

 

[Grove]

^ Skip is right about the good manners and smiling. It is amazing how many walls a little bit of politeness will knock down. Not just with trying to make friends, but with everyday interactions with anyone.

 

[cerebedlam]

Walk around town, be observant & look for places where there are people who share your interests. Hang out at those places....it may take a few times before you feel comfortable being there or find someone to talk to.

The local coffe shop...i.e. Starbucks/Coffee Bean seem like a natural refuge for introvert types...

Belief in a religion has helped me a lot: it provides an essential and fundamental connectedness to others, a sense of hope and belonging, participation in regular rituals and sacraments... that all keeps me buoyed and going - now. I was as far away from it as I could be, twenty years back. Be careful about falling into black & white beliefs about yourself. Allow yourself room to change.

Good manners and smiling - by their rules, not ours - are invaluable skills. Once they become habits they are nearly effortless. The cost to you is minimal and the payoff high. Smiling + being polite will get you through a lot. A whole lot. More than you think. You don't have to do it all the time, consider those things tools you use for your own purposes.

Your suggestion for an INTP to find him/herself some religion was definitely not expected to be seen...I really do want to learn if other INTPs find any use at all in organized, deity-based theology...From where I sit, I would think that this type of mythical worldview is totally and diametrically opposed to the 'perceiving' function of our type...How can a true INTP be religious, when he/she has a inborn, natural ability for extremely perceptive logical deduction, enabling the person to see through most-to-all thinly-veiled illusions?

The good manners and smiling bit is also a problem for the true INTP...Many of the profiles that I've read online say that we have a big problem faking the formalities and social nicities of mainstream society...I find that smiling or giggling 'on cue' is nearly impossible for me...And, when in an anxiety-inducing crowd of peeps, I find that I become increasingly stoic/stonefaced...

 

[skip]

The good manners and smiling bit is also a problem for the true INTP...Many of the profiles that I've read online say that we have a big problem faking the formalities and social nicities of mainstream society...I find that smiling or giggling 'on cue' is nearly impossible for me...And, when in an anxiety-inducing crowd of peeps, I find that I become increasingly stoic/stonefaced...

Those social rituals aren't easy for us to decode. Have you ever read Nicholas Boothman's book, "How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less?" It's a little manual for getting along in the SJ world, it explains all the stuff that they know intuitively but doesn't make much sense to us. The title is ridiculous but I found the rest of the book very helpful.