Giving a kidney

[Synthetix]

My dad needs a kidney, and he asked me for one. He's not in the best of health for his age. He's already had a couple heart attacks and he takes about a dozen different prescriptions every day. I don't want to sound cold by saying no, but that's not an easy decision for me. I told him I needed to look it up thoroughly. I guess it won't effect a young, healthy person too much, though that depends. For the most part it sounds like a relatively safe surgery. I'm still researching this, and I don't know what to do. Anyone know a kidney donor? If so, how were they effected?

 

[Hawkeye]

This might be of some help - Click me

 

[Magus]

This is obviously a personal decision which you alone must reach, but out of interest, if you donate a kidney to a person and they pass away, assuming the body is intact; is it possible to have it transferred back?

 

[Jennywocky]

This is obviously a personal decision which you alone must reach, but out of interest, if you donate a kidney to a person and they pass away, assuming the body is intact; is it possible to have it transferred back?

So it's really a kidney loan?

That's an interesting question I'd like to know the answer to. I mean, it would still be your kidney, so it's not like your body should auto-reject it via your immunity system. I just don't know what trauma is suffered each time an organ moves from one body to another.

 

[Solitaire U.]

Economically speaking, I wouldn't do it. Based on OP description, it's akin to putting new tires on a car that's about to throw a rod. Even if the old tires are worn to the point that they're ready to fail, it just doesn't make good economic sense to invest anything in a machine that's near the end of it's service life.

Philosophically speaking, donating a kidney is a very humane gesture, since the risk to the donor body is high, and the sacrifice of a critical internal organ is great. Also, the moral purity of extending another human's life and all that. IDK if I consider that to be a bullshit concept or not. Probably...

But I suppose it depends on the particulars. I'd probably be inclined to donate a kidney to a kid, especially one of my own...someone I was reasonably sure would be able to get a lot of mileage out of it, but an elderly person, even my mother or father, I just DK.

 

[Jennywocky]

But I suppose it depends on the particulars. I'd probably be inclined to donate a kidney to a kid, especially one of my own...someone I was reasonably sure would be able to get a lot of mileage out of it, but an elderly person, even my mother or father, I just DK.

To be honest, I'm rather surprised the dad asked. Normally parents don't want to burden their kids with something like that.

In fact, years ago, my mom was hilariously throwing out things like she'd donate a lung to my son (who has cystic fibrosis) if he ever needed one, long before he would have ever needed one. Leading to running jokes on our part about how she would tear her own liver out at a family holiday if it would just make one of her grandchildren happy... but I digress.

 

[Double_V]

To be honest, I'm rather surprised the dad asked.

*Nods in agreement*

Normally parents don't want to burden their kids with something like that.

*Nods in agreements again*

As to the Op... interesting delima. Can I ask how old each of you are (or atleast him)? Also, what makes either of you think you would be a match?

I was just thinking if my mother asked I would say 'sure, no problem', I know she would take care of it. I can also afford tosay such a thing, I know we wouldn't be a match. Meanwhile if it were my father (as much as I adored him) I would have to think long and hard as he wasn't one to take of himself. I'd probably have been happier to wait out the odds till the last possible moment hoping to find another donor (who was leaving earth anyway).

Yet, I'm not sure I could say "No". But I certainly wouldn't think less of anyone else who did.

Yes, I'm also surprised he asked.

 

[Solitaire U.]

I'm not surprised he asked. Credulous to make assumptions about what a person who is facing death will ask.

 

[Jennywocky]

I'm not surprised he asked. Credulous to make assumptions about what a person who is facing death will ask.

It's not that he's facing death and it's not that he's asking some stranger for a kidney, it's that he's burdening his kids with that kind of decision ... and especially when it's already clear he could die any day from a host of other ailments. Yes, people want to live; but typically I don't hear about parents requesting such things from their kids when they're already old and in poor health. The aim of parents is typically to sacrifice to help their children survive, not to ask their children to make a sacrifice that is so obviously slanted against the child. I honestly don't think I could or would ask my kids for a kidney in a situation like that, I'd rather die and not put them at risk (I've had my time, and want my kids to live long); and all the parents I personally know would behave the same, it would be very difficult for any of them to ask.

So I'm more curious in HOW he asked, and if there has been any pattern in the relationship where he has seemed insensitive to the needs and freedoms of the children. There seems to be some reluctance on the son's part, and I'm curious to know if that is just natural wariness over giving up one's "spare" kidney in the middle of life or whether there have been other requests where the needs of the parents seem to be more important than the needs of the children. I don't know any of the people involved.

And I'm just bringing it up because it's a topic of discussion and I think everything should be considered, just to get clarity on what the situation is and the parameters involved. Obviously it's a personal issue and up to the son if he wants to honor it, regardless of how reasonable/unreasonable it seems to be, and I'm supportive of what decisions are thoughtfully made regardless of what they are.

 

[Absurdity]

He's already had a couple heart attacks and he takes about a dozen different prescriptions every day.

If a significant portion of these ailments were self-inflicted (poor diet, smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, etc.), I would be very hesitant.

I also agree with other posters who have said that it isn't very thoughtful of him to ask you in the first place.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

I would be very hesitant to not doing it for my father pure because of the fact that all of his life he has done the wrong things ie. alcoholic, ate substantial amounts of junk food. Further more, he is in his late fifties. I would be cutting short my life to extend his...

 

[Duxwing]

My dad needs a kidney, and he asked me for one. He's not in the best of health for his age. He's already had a couple heart attacks and he takes about a dozen different prescriptions every day. I don't want to sound cold by saying no, but that's not an easy decision for me. I told him I needed to look it up thoroughly. I guess it won't effect a young, healthy person too much, though that depends. For the most part it sounds like a relatively safe surgery. I'm still researching this, and I don't know what to do. Anyone know a kidney donor? If so, how were they effected?

First, my condolences. Watching your father suffer is grief enough. To have this decision put upon you is all the worse.

I agree with @Solitaire U. Provided that your father is already otherwise terminally ill, transplanting a kidney into him would only effect a brief delay of his inevitable death, and doing so with your kidney would add the price of significantly endangering your health both during and after the transplant. I realize that he is your father--a constant companion in your life who loves you dearly--but triage dictates that he be left to die in comfort and dignity: even if you insist on giving your kidney up, better recipients for it exist. Unless, of course, your father's life post-op life expectancy far exceeds his current one, which, given my lack of any formal medical education, it very well could.

But if his condition is terminal with a short life expectancy, then your doctors are strange indeed.

-Duxwing

 

[Synthetix]

His lifestyle led to his condition. He has made attempts to improve though, he stopped smoking altogether and hasn't in at least 5 years. He also tries to stay away from sugary foods, but sometimes eats them. I told him that a healthier change in lifestyle might eliminate the need for a kidney transplant, but I'm not his doctor and I don't know the severity of his situation so I couldn't surely say.

I really don't want to, and I've given him obvious hints, but I don't want to be cold upfront. However, I'm more than happy to help him get on track to a healthier lifestyle. I've told him I'd show him basic workouts at first and tell him what to eat as well as giving him motivation. I'm still doing kidney research, but less on transplant info and more on how to care for and maintain it. He takes many meds but he's not bound to a wheelchair or oxygen tank. If he seizes the opportunity for improvement he could have many more years ahead of him.

 

[Duxwing]

His lifestyle led to his condition. He has made attempts to improve though, he stopped smoking altogether and hasn't in at least 5 years. He also tries to stay away from sugary foods, but sometimes eats them. I told him that a healthier change in lifestyle might eliminate the need for a kidney transplant, but I'm not his doctor and I don't know the severity of his situation so I couldn't surely say.

I really don't want to, and I've given him obvious hints, but I don't want to be cold upfront. However, I'm more than happy to help him get on track to a healthier lifestyle. I've told him I'd show him basic workouts at first and tell him what to eat as well as giving him motivation. I'm still doing kidney research, but less on transplant info and more on how to care for and maintain it. He takes many meds but he's not bound to a wheelchair or oxygen tank. If he seizes the opportunity for improvement he could have many more years ahead of him.

Tell him that he's better off with his own kidneys and a healthier lifestyle than with your kidney and his current one. Phrasing it thusly is not cold, but very loving and warm.

-Duxwing

 

[Jennywocky]

His lifestyle led to his condition. He has made attempts to improve though, he stopped smoking altogether and hasn't in at least 5 years. He also tries to stay away from sugary foods, but sometimes eats them. I told him that a healthier change in lifestyle might eliminate the need for a kidney transplant, but I'm not his doctor and I don't know the severity of his situation so I couldn't surely say.

I really don't want to, and I've given him obvious hints, but I don't want to be cold upfront. However, I'm more than happy to help him get on track to a healthier lifestyle. I've told him I'd show him basic workouts at first and tell him what to eat as well as giving him motivation. I'm still doing kidney research, but less on transplant info and more on how to care for and maintain it. He takes many meds but he's not bound to a wheelchair or oxygen tank. If he seizes the opportunity for improvement he could have many more years ahead of him.

Tell him that he's better off with his own kidneys and a healthier lifestyle than with your kidney and his current one. Phrasing it thusly is not cold, but very loving and warm.

-Duxwing

Yes, it definitely sounds like something that should be explored. I consider a transplant to be a last resort item, since it not only impacts him but the donor... and it's not like transplants just happen and then they're done -- wouldn't he have to have his immune system repressed so as to not have some amount of organ rejection?

I do commend him for cutting the smoking and making efforts elsewhere. Sometimes the discipline we learn dealing with a hard problem (instead of circumventing it) changes our lives in positive ways.

 

[Double_V]

I had some other thoughts on this...

Once a persons kidneys are to the point of needing a transplant I don't know that there is much of way a person could improve their health habits to simply repair them. Besides regular dialysis a transplant may be their only option.

Still, it seems odd to me to ask a child for a kidney while continuing bad health choices. I wonder if maybe there is a bigger issue of not being able to cope with his own mortality and (or) take ownership of having caused the problem themselves. It seems like getting this person into counseling so they can see the bigger picture - and how it would effect the donor/offsprings emotional & physical life as well as reducing their choice at normal life would be a very good idea.

And getting a kidney is no easy fix. Someone I was freinds with had a transplant due to his own hard life. His life was a medical drama afterwards. He suffered often. He bloated badly and his formal lifestyle was no longer available to do the things he enjoyed. And he was still on dialysis. He shared with me that had he known how tough it was he would not have had the transplant and stayed strictly on dialysis for as long as he lived. Despite the transplant he did die young.

And I feel a little judgmental when I say this but, me having to give up a kidney to someone who smokes would piss me off. I don't afford myself such damaging behaviors and have little repsect for others that do.

 

[jpc]

And I feel a little judgmental when I say this but, me having to give up a kidney to someone who smokes would piss me off.

Same here. There is no moral dilemma if the person was ignorant enough not to care about his health when he didnt need a transplant. If you take the risk, you have to be willing to pay the price.

 

[Solitaire U.]

I don't afford myself such damaging behaviors and have little repsect for others that do.

(sic)

Just curious, because I've seen you do this more than once, so I have to ask...

Do you believe that minimizing the font size makes your proclivity for being a condescending judgment queen somehow less noticeable, or is it just some sort of strange, sub-conscious guilt complex kicking in?

 

[Double_V]

(sic)

Just curious, because I've seen you do this more than once, so I have to ask...

Do you believe that minimizing the font size makes your proclivity for being a condescending judgment queen somehow less noticeable, or is it just some sort of strange, sub-conscious guilt complex kicking in?

Well, Hi. I don't know that we have ever talked before. Nope, when I shrink the type it means I'm making another connected, but somewhat detatched, and less relevant point. The small type is indicating it is a lesser point.

You got it exactly backwards.