Friendships

[Tiger]

(this is written in bit of a passion but hopefully i wont regret it later)

do any of you get forgotten/put to the side/ignored/betrayed by firends for figurative 'big loud shiny things', i.e. more conventional fun loving things, people and lifestyles. i just discovered my most intimiate firend didnt invite me to their birthday party. sound familiar?

is everyone just out to serve themselves. they dont feel needed around me so they go elsewhere
i also suffer a twinge of jealousy when a friend of mine has a large circle of friends, it makes me think im insiginificant in their lives.
anyone else like me and and doesnt have a single real friend? everyone seems fake to me, perhaps thats because they are. and because i dont particiapte things that are fake, i am alone and unvalued.

 

[Tiger]

i just realised that none of that stuff really matters. as long as i unconditionally help people who need it, even if im sacrificing myself in anyway.
my black heart has been exsponged.

 

[Raku]

I'm wondering how you call your friend the most intimate when he didn't invite you. I'm not going to pretend to know a great deal of intimate friendships, but I do know once I think the friendship really matters, the other person already thinks that for a long time.

I can't really say I have real friends, but I think thats mostly because I don't feel the need to. Maybe some of the people I know disagree tho. But people don't seem fake to me, a friendship has mutual benefits after all, otherwise it isn't a friendship in my opinion. So if someone isn't getting anything out of it the friendship will stop. People do what they want to do, talk to whom they want to talk to, for whatever reason. There doesnt seem to be anything fake about that. Maybe the reasoning for wanting to do certain things doesn't make sense, but its still not fake.

I have been forgotten by 2 of my closest friends a few years ago, but that was also due to my own actions, or lack of. They found new things to do, new friends to hang out with. I don't feel insignificant because there's nothing for me to gain anyways.

 

[FusionKnight]

Besides my immediate family (and my wife and her family) I think I have maybe one friend, and that's someone I've known since junior high school. All the other friendships have faded away. It's sad, but I don't know if there would be anything I could do about it. I guess it's just nature taking its course...

 

[flow]

I had only one real friend going through junior high and high school, and several acquaintances. I met all my real friends in college, where people start to grow up.

 

[Waterstiller]

I've always had a few close friends throughout the years. I tend to make my introversion known and so the crazier friends will get the hint and not hassle me with doing certain things. I'm fine with being forgotten; it's encouraged. In the past I used to be called all the time to go do things and as my circle of closer friends has decreased to only a few (10?) I get called at a much better rate. I end up seeing a couple friends a week, usually going two weeks without seeing someone. My ENFP friends are the ones who coax me out of the house and I'll use those times to try and find other INxx's who have been convinced by the ENFP. If I didn't go there I'd never be able to find interesting friends or dating prospects, since I'm so damned picky. I like to have a larger number of introverted intuitive friends that I can see one-on-one and engage in deeper conversation with. I have 3 best friends who I actively work to maintain the relationship, and the rest are more or less passively maintained (mainly to keep smothering from occuring).

The vast majority of my friends are outsiders in some way; either being LGBT, hippies, afflicted by a major hardship, or hapa.

 

[Fleur]

Everytime when I get something friendship-like, it's always turning out to be a failure. I'm unable to keep a good relationships with people, and, even if I try as hard as I can, it doesn't change anything because I feel unnatural and push everybody away by myself. If others are willing to approach me - same, it makes me to became cautious and mistrusting because something in my mind can't stop telling me that those attempts are going to be a huge error, so every try to become friends with me is destined to fail from the whole start.

 

[adastrac]

i have a very small group of wonderful friends... i appreciate them because they don't make a big fuss about my seemingly arbitrary disappearance that happens every now and then. i've made a real friend recently, and although i find her exquisite, i need my space, big time. i know that she really likes me (as a friend, we're both female) and can relate to me more than her other friends since we share some interests (reading) but i do feel suffocated when we hang out too often. i need my space, big time. i've had my fair share of failed friendships and most of the time it is because i never speak up about my feelings. but because i do care about my new friend-- and i really like her, i think she is wonderful-- i will make it known to her that i do need some alone time. if she is understanding of that then she is a definite keeper. i'm just tired of sifting through and filtering friendships that i deem "worthy" of my time--in that that person is willing to respect some of my basic needs as i am willing to do the same for them. i still do get a tinge of loneliness every now and then.. sometimes i would like to just have one friend who is an INTP like me because no one else shares my core interests, you know? but i'll live! =)

lol, where was my head when i wrote that? ^^ sorry for repeating myself lol lol lol

those attempts are going to be a huge error, so every try to become friends with me is destined to fail from the whole start.

you shouldn't be so hard on yourself! i propose adopting a positive attitude to counter that... that's what i did! i had the worst time with friendships... i used to have a lot of friends but always felt terribly lonesome.. i'll make new friends thinking, "maybe this is the friend for me" but i always end up giving up on that friendship.. i don't know, sometimes i can be really really unemotional and indifferent.. i'm not sure if it has to do with my past where i'd put so much trust in my friends only to have them betray me (one way or another)... now that i think about it, i probably don't care about friendships as much as i did before... but.. gotta stay positive! and plus you have the INTPforum.com!

 

[loveofreason]

I suspect I've become pathological about keeping people at arm's length, and am probably quite confused now about what is required of the friendship role. Yet when I think back to childhood I can remember one girl warmly and two others with some fondness.

The first girl moved away with her family and I've never seen her since... we used to sit in the library together writing stories.

Oddly the other two were both Canadian girls who moved here with their mothers after divorces... and they occupied exactly the same house in succession. (Both families returned to Canada.)

Since childhood I've made a point of, well, cutting people out of my life if I've known them any length of time. Maybe because I constantly reinvent, and the past has terrible hooks. I have acquaintances now that it would require some effort from me to allow any closer, though superficially we are friendly. I hesitate because, well - which identity do I use to relate?

Plus I'm still trying to define what exactly a friend is.

This topic is on my mind again now. I realise I need to include people and communicate if I am to evolve further.

*am scared*

 

[Ermine]

I can relate. While I had people I enjoyed talking to during school, hardly anyone cared to call me or spend any additional time with me. Makes me wonder if it's even worth it for me to call and invite people over if they aren't willing to reciprocate. I've only had a few real friends in my 17 year old life. Also, for some of these friends, after a year or so, we always separate, whether it's my fault or theirs, I'm not sure. I always seem to withdraw, due to circumstances or my own accord, once the friendship starts getting intimate. And this is probably my fault too, but my friends take a very long time to appreciate me for what I really am. Most of the time, I'm only appreciated as a sounding board and a listening ear. Sometimes I'm admired for my various abilities, but they never seem to know me.

 

[Thread Killer]

Your situation is not unusual. In some cases, though, I have been the one to leave for a few people who I could relate to better and I don't feel too bad about that. If there's something better, go with it. Though, I would hesitate who to call close friends, really. I had no true close friends in high school especially. But yes, it can be painful to watch them merge with a larger, better, and more interesting group and I will admit that I was at the position where I loathed it. But I guess looking back, it doesn't matter much.

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

I've always found that the more I got to know a person, the more I wanted to keep them at arms length. Not neccesarily avoid them all together but not let them "in" either. I'm much more comfortable having aquantences than close friends.

And as a bonus, it requires a lot less effort and has fewer potential hazards.

 

[Fedayeen]

I used to have what I called friends, after much of being ignored and empty promises I no longer see anyone as friends. They are merely aquantainces, and there purpose is to further my own needs nothing more. That could be anything from the typical meaning of that phrase, to simply entertainment to help pass the time. I no longer see a connection with anyone, and have severed old ties. The way I look at it it's best to cut the rope when you choose then let it snap when you aren't expecting it.

 

[Barachai]

I would rather have discussion partners than friends. I have one good friend, who's really encouraging and a little wild. Mostly, I just like the discussion and exposure to ideas.

 

[fullerene]

I can relate. While I had people I enjoyed talking to during school, hardly anyone cared to call me or spend any additional time with me. Makes me wonder if it's even worth it for me to call and invite people over if they aren't willing to reciprocate. I've only had a few real friends in my 17 year old life. Also, for some of these friends, after a year or so, we always separate, whether it's my fault or theirs, I'm not sure. I always seem to withdraw, due to circumstances or my own accord, once the friendship starts getting intimate. And this is probably my fault too, but my friends take a very long time to appreciate me for what I really am. Most of the time, I'm only appreciated as a sounding board and a listening ear. Sometimes I'm admired for my various abilities, but they never seem to know me.

cosign..... man that summed it up well. I think the final push for me was after the group from high school--I withdrew so badly and didn't explain myself to anyone so that I pushed my college friends away too. I have... one now, I think? And it's nearly entirely sustained by him, so sooner or later he's sure to get annoyed and give up. *shrug* I can deal.


...

*is still proud of LoR for trying to include people* (seriously... I sound pissy, but they're good for you)

 

[citrusbreath95]

I had friendship problems like this all the time, a long time ago. I would get into many fights with my friends as they would go off, snicker at me, call me weird, disclude me and it (shudder) hurt my feelings... long ago. Yet as time progressed I realized that people do crap like that out of ignorance and I suppose, they are just too much of cowards to come out in the open and say something to your face, so gossip and treachery (that was a funny way to use that word!) forms. I don't mind anymore, and because I am very good at acting like a chameleon, I hardly ever get into fights, and I am unaffected by betrayel... I just think the other person missed out. I suppose that could be maturity? Or perhaps one of my more dominant INTP functions developed?

 

[citrusbreath95]

I would rather have discussion partners than friends. I have one good friend, who's really encouraging and a little wild. Mostly, I just like the discussion and exposure to ideas.

I am like that as well... but lately I can find no one who will discuss in topics I find interesting. I enjoy my closest friend as she makes me laugh (after long days of contemplation it feels good for a good laugh) but lately I have been getting frustrated with her as she never seems to take me seriously, and disregards my thoughts as nonsense. So, who knows where this friendship is going....

 

[Audentia]

I have 1 close friend, but she's an 'E' and we rarely see each other or talk. And a few good friends who are great for venting, but none that I actually really relate with or feel equal to, especially intellectually. Not trying to say I'm overly smart, just seems there's less interesting intellectuals or interesting creative types in my area who like to debate, discuss, and imagine especially without being absurdly closed-minded. I dunno.

Most people don't understand me and don't bother to unless it's my immediate family. Yeah, it's basically me, my bf, my computer, my pet, and my mom, and co-workers, lol.. and my inner world. I don't feel lonely much. I'm great with casual friends, but almost never have close friends. It's just nice to have girl friends, but I'm really picky about them and they're so hard to find that don't mind my reclusive habits and dislike for huge loud concerts, loud crowded bars, big parties, etc etc. I can't breathe in places like that and kind of shut down and need to get the **** out.

I guess my bf is my best friend. But he is a strong INTP I think and can sometimes forget about me when he gets stressed out and that really sucks.

 

[Polaris]

It is my own fault that I'm isolated. I keep people at arm's length, no matter how close they are to me. I am also a lousy communicator, and not very good at staying "in touch". There are people I consider to be good friends, but I still avoid them more than interact with them. I get irritated with certain types very quickly. Then I get irritated with myself for being irritated. so I would rather not bother.

I have had too many 'friends' who have expected too much of me. And I have had 'friends' who turned out to be completely manipulative, always wanting something in return. And I have had my share of slightly creepy people who seem to draw to me for whatever reason..... I used to have more male friends, but it all got too complicated.....sigh....sometimes life is more complicated than necessary.

If I find someone interesting, I may initiate contact, on the very rare occasion. It is usually a pretty accurate hit.