Friendship's a difficult thing for me. I have four or five in my inner circle of friends, but I can never convince myself to even talk to any of them (except in person) other than the one friend whom I text almost daily; I don't think I'd even talk to her much if I didn't. I miss them a huge amount, but I don't feel like I'm capable of interacting as I should, so I refrain from doing so. The longer I don't see someone, the more my analysis affects my certainty of how things work between us; and I haven't seen some of these friends in months.
In real life I'm pretty active when I first meet up with them, almost to the extent where I can't control myself (something which I really hate happening) for about half an hour at the most and then I withdraw from the group because I've become really tired. It makes me unsure of my actions that the way I would respond to something is never what my friends come up with. While I would almost always end up staying exactly on topic they seem to come up with (to my mind) totally unrelated things to say. I can't fathom it.
The strange thing is that the better I know someone, the more I analyse interactions (or potential interactions) with them. I'd be alright advising someone who was a casual acquaintance, but, to give an example, the last time an opportunity arose where I might have to advise or comment on something which was a problem for a friend, I froze up because I hadn't decided on the exact actions I should take in order to avoid a situation which might turn out uncomfortably. It really threw me and I ended up trapped in my head, repeating phrases as if I'd pushed a button, reacting automatically and unable to clearly see or hear the outside world. I read that INTPs like to avoid difficult situations like that and I think I'm a good example. I just don't think I'll be able to handle what happens. I wish I could be more supportive (and less dependent) on my closer friends but I find it something which is really difficult to convince myself to do. I've always thought I would rather keep the friendship than do something to it that I didn't know how to fix. I'm not good at thinking on my feet in an argument. I know it's incredibly irrational to think something as small as asking a friend what's wrong would cause something I couldn't repair, but at the same time I can't escape the fear of it. There is a huge amount of drama that had gone on in my head which the people involved have never known anything about.
It always surprises me how much more normal I act around people who know me less.
Also, it occurs to me that most of the time it's me who contacts my friends and not the other way around. If I do something with them it's almost always me that organises it (which explains why I only really arrange to see the one friend I actually talk to). I don't know whether it's like that with you guys.
Such truth.
"Friends" are strange things. Some of them you enjoy because of their similar sense of humor, uninvasive nature, and unexpected but comfortably pleasant interest in snuggling; some of them drive you so crazy you wake up every morning with your elbows stuck together for no apparent reason; some of them you absolutely
detest but you have to try to like them because you see them every day and if they realize your hatred your life will be suddenly filled with fire and brimstone.
My friends have always fluctuated. I've purposely chosen to not have a "best friend" because that's just asking for neediness, which is gross. But I have two types of "good friends": long-term and short-term.
Long-Term Good Friends are those with whom I often do not have much interaction, but when we are together, we can talk about anything and do anything and it's like we've never been apart.
Short-Term Good Friends are those with whom I have a lot of interaction, often all at once. Facebook-ing, texting, talking at school, frequently doing things together... and either burning out and going our separate ways (and either turning into Awkward I-Used-To-Know-Yous or Pleasant Acquaintances) or burning down to a steady flame and turning into Long-Term Good Friends.
As for interaction... I really fluctuate. Sometimes I'm really talkative, and sometimes I just like to listen and think and absorb. People are fascinating. Sometimes I plan things with friends, but I hate having to do that; I'd much rather just join in with something that's already planned (or un-planned).
And I tend to be really good with people when I first meet them. Apparently I'm polite or something. But it's around Good Friends that my true (mean, awkward, misconstruing) self is shown--if I'm not too busy listening.
And it's very true that if I know someone for a long time, I'm much more likely to worry about something I'll say to them. Who cares if you offend a stranger or acquaintance? But carelessness toward a true friend is painful for both parties. There are a lot of things I want to tell some friends or want to suggest, but it all just has to play out in my mind because I know that for the sake of them-and-me I will never let on what I'm thinking.
