Flirting

[Invisible Jellyfish]

Well, a friend of mine is an INTP and he is also male, so I just git courios (for sone reason I forgot how to spell that word) about how INTP type flirts.

 

[ImNiceToPuppies]

I can only write from my perspective since I doubt I've met another INTP. I don't openly flirt. I let chemistry do the talking...the quiet sizzle. Common interests, etc. would be something to talk about, but I don't fall back on that. I let chemistry build up in silence. That's about it.

 

[Nick]

I doubt (now I can't speak for all INTPs) that we're the type to walk up to a girl, in a Jersey shore accent, "Eh Gurl, How you doin'" "dat ass looks fine, let me get yo number"

Maybe I'm just conditioned to this growing up in NY and learning how half the time, the extroverted direct flirting is, and how more times then not, seems to get results. Just baffles my brain, but I've come to understand that many girls out there aren't bright cookies.

Flirting for our nature I would think is more indirect as @ImNiceToPuppies suggested, 'let the chemistry happen'. I like this idea. I don't like forcing too many things, I like to be more silent and observe, more along the lines of almost hoping chance would push us together and something magical would come of it.

I've been learning now that flirting should be more direct, to differentiate yourself from either a friend or someone seeking a relationship. I OTOH more often then not, like the idea of a friendship turning into a relationship. I'm never in a rush to push it to become an official relationship.

Hopefully you can take these cluttered thoughts and ramblings into something coherent, but tl;dr: Flirting is different from each person-person interaction, if you want to assign it to our MBTI type, I would think it's very-indirect, observant, never pushing, always listening, we'd see our flirting as giving you our time and overall direct attention, something we value above just about most other things in life.

 

[Absurdity]

Fall flat on my face in my attempts at acting normal and hope they find it cute.

 

[Duxwing]

I try to let "chemistry" happen, but I won't beat around the bush if my mind is made up: I'll try to bump into her more often, literally and figuratively, and eventually try leaning against her shoulder or holding her hand: That usually gets the point across. Sometimes chicks just dig me, though, and, provided that my nerves have been sufficiently calmed by walls of stoic logic, I waste no time in seizing the opportunity to flirt with them.

But lately I haven't felt the need to complicate my life or risk hurting myself and someone else by becoming romantically involved, so I haven't been doing much looking. Surprisingly, I've had more girlfriends, kissed more times, and been crushed on more than most of my male schoolmates! I wonder what all those girls saw in me: perhaps my introversion made me appear mysterious, and my genuine (albeit weak) warmth made me seem trustworthy. But I have no real data to support my hunch, so beleive it ar your own risk.

-Duxwing

 

[SpaceYeti]

Wit and compliments, plus the sly grin. I happen to have adjusted my ways around the fact that I look good, long before I realized I look good.

 

[ImNiceToPuppies]

This crossed my mind as I think about everyone who has chatted with me about flirting... There are few people I've known over the years who enjoy being around a cocky personality who flirts with them; flirting is meant to be an enjoyable experience to those involved. It usually isn't when the ego of one of them demands most of the attention. And yet, people still try this cocky-flirt approach with us as if it will help them score...Mmmm, what do I do when this happens? I just excuse myself for a few minutes, run for some popcorn, and then return to watch the "show".

If the person really cares about wanting to make the flirting enjoyable to you in a way that you like, then you are off to a good start. Run with it, actually....

 

[Nezaros]

I don't flirt. I think I know how, all sorts of possible compliments and all that other extraverted nonsense come to mind all the time, but my social awkwardness and / or self-respect prevent me from using them. Not that it particularly bothers me, if I really wanted to I have other ways, such as the oft-overlooked "be their friend first." And even then, I very rarely care enough to.

I would think it's very-indirect, observant, never pushing, always listening, we'd see our flirting as giving you our time and overall direct attention, something we value above just about most other things in life.

This too. INTP's aren't people-people. If we're going out of our way to talk to somebody, that speaks volumes. If only everybody else understood this.

 

[Philovitist]

I declare my love for the person Romeo and Juliet style.

After, you know, taking his cues...

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Are you meaning how do I flirt or how do I pick up girls? Just so I don't ramble on about something slightly off topic.

 

[SpaceYeti]

I declare my love for the person Romeo and Juliet style.

After, you know, taking his cues...

I would run with all my muscles! Away from you.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

My perspective is, if you're not great at socializing(and I'm not), and when you're interested in a particular person, flirting can be an undesirable risk. Why would you want to mess up your chances?

It's different though when you're just messing around, or like a person to a mild extent, you can experiment then. What's best is mutual compatibility when banter and flirting come spontaneously and effortlessly.

 

[Invisible Jellyfish]

Well, i guess i should have started with ''what's flirting''? I jsut understood that i don't really have any idea about it.

 

[Cognisant]

I've tried to figure that out.

I think flirting is like a kind of joking, for example (which just goes to show how hopelessly nerdy I am) when Cortana says to the Master Chief "I bet you can't stick it", in the context of him throwing a plasma grenade, though there's also the innuendo of "sticking it" which is why this trailer for Halo 2 became a meme for a while. Now in normal contexts with normal people the sort of joke would of course be different, but the intent is the same, it's a subtle teasing, I theorise the purpose is to make the other person think about sex when talking with you, creating that mental association.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Not necessarily making them associate you with sex, since that could get creepy if your tone or manner is off. It's much more making them associate you with funny banter. Chicks really do like guys who make them laugh. They'll think about sex all on their own. Though sexuality isn't something to avoid, it's also not something you need to focus on. Get them to like you and be not creepy before you go there, though.

 

[EditorOne]

I don't know how to flirt.
But I've been accused of it.

I chalk it up to, as others note, clumsily trying to be agreeable.

One more INTP burden.

 

[The Introvert]

Chloroform.

Spoiler

In all seriousness, I don't know what I do. I don't say much; I guess some people like that, and others don't.

 

[SpaceYeti]

I'm naturally flirtatious, so I more figured out what I was already doing more than planned out how to do things. The Anumber1 thing to keep in mind is to not think about what you're doing. Just do it. Don't let mistakes bother you, you're going to make mistakes. Pick yourself up and get over it.

 

[Affinity]

Awkwardness or lots of teasing. Depends on how comfortable I am.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Flirting is fun. Especially when it leads somewhere more physical. You just need to recognize if the other person is playing along because its fun, not interested at all or interested in you sexually (my personally favorite outcome).

 

[Hadoblado]

Flirting is a lot of fun. When I feel comfortable with it, I am quite the outrageous ditz. I completely disagree with the notion that you need to make people think about sex, I find that type of flirtation very... base? Maybe if I was 17? Sexual innuendo is everywhere, it just feels so fucking common and premeditated/motivated.

 

[TheScornedReflex]

Flirting is a lot of fun. When I feel comfortable with it, I am quite the outrageous ditz. I completely disagree with the notion that you need to make people think about sex, I find that type of flirtation very... base? Maybe if I was 17? Sexual innuendo is everywhere, it just feels so fucking common and premeditated/motivated.

It's probably everywhere because people,*shrugs* you know, like sex. AH LOT.

 

[The Gopher]

Wit and compliments, plus the sly grin. I happen to have adjusted my ways around the fact that I look good, long before I realized I look good.

Yeah I subconsciously adapted myself into the "cute" category to fit my dazzling good looks. I also use the wit and compliments/grin.

Flirting is a lot of fun. When I feel comfortable with it, I am quite the outrageous ditz. I completely disagree with the notion that you need to make people think about sex, I find that type of flirtation very... base? Maybe if I was 17? Sexual innuendo is everywhere, it just feels so fucking common and premeditated/motivated.

I agree that that type of flirting is kinda... annoying at least when premeditated. If it just so happens a joke works into it I don't mind.

 

[Philovitist]

I would run with all my muscles! Away from you.

Probably means we aren't compatible. >.>

 

[Cognisant]

Not necessarily making them associate you with sex, since that could get creepy if your tone or manner is off.

Yes well that's the difference between "flirting" and "charming".

Flirting is a particular kind of charming, you can charm anyone but flirting is charm with specific intent to seduce, y'know you don't flirt with everyone and if you already have a significant other they can be quite offended if they catch you flirting with others.

I completely disagree with the notion that you need to make people think about sex, I find that type of flirtation very... base? Maybe if I was 17? Sexual innuendo is everywhere, it just feels so fucking common and premeditated/motivated.

Well one can be very subtle about it, flirting doesn't have to be obviously about sex but it is about expressing an unusual degree of interest, y'know enough to make them think "is this person coming on to me?" for example it could be as simple as:

"Pleased to meet you"
"The pleasure's all mine"

Which is cringe-inducingly archaic, hence what it means to be "smooth" in which case the previous example is as smooth as sandpaper, y'know it's obviously archaic, so it sounds tacky, like a movie line parroted out of context.

 

[Ink]

I don't see it as flirting, just passively building attraction...

 

[Jennywocky]

I don't see it as flirting, just passively building attraction...

Kind of like the emotional version of dragging your feet across the carpet?

 

[Ink]

Kind of like the emotional version of dragging your feet across the carpet?

Never did that, so not sure...

 

[Cognisant]

Kind of like the emotional version of dragging your feet across the carpet?

That results in a negative charge.

So yeah, pretty much.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Probably means we aren't compatible. >.>

Mostly it means you're strategy is creepy.

 

[Ink]

Seriously though, creating attraction with women is simple, all you need is high social value/status, be the one in the group everyone admires, looks to for answers etc, and they will naturally gravitate to you (theres a little more to it of course)... Which isnt always simple though... Then talking/hitting on them comes naturally. Am I wrong?

 

[redbaron]

Seriously though, creating attraction with women is simple, all you need is high social value/status, be the one in the group everyone admires, looks to for answers etc, and they will naturally gravitate to you (theres a little more to it of course)... Which isnt always simple though... Then talking/hitting on them comes naturally. Am I wrong?

What makes you think that aside from the vapid and shallow, women will just naturally gravitate towards someone of high social value and status that everyone admires?

Pretty sure there's plenty of people who value and are attracted to a lot more than just someone who is popular - which might even be a turn-off to a lot of people.

 

[Ink]

What makes you think that aside from the vapid and shallow, women will just naturally gravitate towards someone of high social value and status that everyone admires?

Pretty sure there's plenty of people who value and are attracted to a lot more than just someone who is popular - which might even be a turn-off to a lot of people.

Well, im only speaking from personal experience, of course your looks personality plays à role etc... But you still have to be seen if the ones who will like you are gonna spot you...

 

[Philovitist]

Mostly it means you're strategy is creepy.

It worked in middle school. >.>

 

[Absurdity]

I think this article, while not directly related, provides a good explanation as to why INTPs might be taken by surprise when their lack of effort at attracting romantic partners leads to them actually attracting romantic partners:

This process is called countersignaling, and one can find its telltale patterns in many walks of life. Those who study human romantic attraction warn men not to "come on too strong" [...] A total loser might come up to a woman without a hint of romance, promise her nothing, and demand sex. A more sophisticated man might buy roses for a woman, write her love poetry, hover on her every wish, et cetera; this signifies that he is not a total loser. But the most desirable men may deliberately avoid doing nice things for women in an attempt to signal they are so high status that they don't need to. The average man tries to differentiate himself from the total loser by being nice; the extremely attractive man tries to differentiate himself from the average man by not being especially nice.

In their flirting (and I unwittingly do this myself) INTPs can come off as accidental romantic hipsters. If an INTP is not cripplingly awkward and at least moderately good looking, their lack of overt signalling may lead others to think that there is some reason why they are not overtly signalling.

Illustrative anecdote: I was outside a bar one time with two acquaintances having a cigarette when a girl came outside and asked for a light. My two friends started joking around with her and I threw in the occasional one-liner. After a little while (since she was drunk, and we were as well) she gave us her honest impression of all of us: she thought acquaintance one had good hair, acquaintance two was well dressed (i.e. probably gay), but that I was probably the best in bed. Inadvertent romantic hipsterdom achieved.

 

[Jennywocky]

Pretty sure there's plenty of people who value and are attracted to a lot more than just someone who is popular - which might even be a turn-off to a lot of people.

yeah, I tend to be turned off by men who are too conventionally attractive, too rich, or too powerful.

It's because that is not what I am looking for -- they run counter to me finding someone who is more internally focused / deep, as well as someone who will have time and interest on our relationship vs external goals. I'm looking for something more intimate and personal.

 

[Ink]

^ But you probably won't run into him unless he is in a social setting. And when I say status, I just mean situational status, which anyone can get.

 

[ImNiceToPuppies]

In my circles, I've observed that the type of man who consistently draws the most attention from women while in a room is the one who has leadership qualities/values and is well-respected. Some have social standing but not all. They might not be “hot” by media's standards, but they dress well and present themselves well. Whichever way they draw attention from women, because it’s difficult to even call it flirting, women of different backgrounds and tastes stay engaged.

 

[Invisible Jellyfish]

You are all INTP so I mistakenly assumed that your answers would kinda similar. It's wierd - seeing that one says that flirting is fun while another says that it's pretty much pain in the ass. :3
I personally think that flirting is kinda unnessasary, i don't really care what my partner thinks about me, the most inportant is intelligence - to make ultimate babies. Lol. Anyway, i'm too you to have a partner. :3

Anyway. I'm going back to my corner.

 

[ImNiceToPuppies]

Our upbring, experiences and other factors, aside from our INTP personality, influence who we are (and our answers). They won't be similar.

No flirting is required in order to have children.

...No sex is required too in case anyone out there doesn't need that as well. (Just a bit of humor.)

 

[joal0503]

a showcase of emoticons, related to feelings that arise during my attempts to 'flirt' like a normal human being:

 

[SOLROCK]

I'm very bad a flirting, usually it goes right over my head. If I do realize its happening I try my best to not say anything offensive, I mean if they're flirting with me it means they must want to talk to me at least best not to scare them off. That also means conversation tends to be a bit more appropriate and vapid.

 

[Sensi Star]

I love it when women flirt non-verbally. I have a very attractive female friend who was trying to seduce me by showing off her figure (which is a lovely one). Bending over in front of me more frequently than necessary, pulling her shirt tight to expose her breasts, playing with her hair a lot, etc. I'm a real sucker for that stuff.

I was just about to fall for it. Then she changed her method, started using her friend to flirt for her by making subtle comments about her attraction to me. I was completely turned off by this.

I think my passive nature causes me to be attracted to semi-aggressive women, because I feel that's the only way something will happen because I'm certainly not good at playing lead-roles.

 

[redbaron]

^When she did this, did you respond? Didn't you take advantage of it and actually do something?

She probably changed her method because she was exasperated that she was being so obvious (in her mind) about her attraction and you didn't do anything. Does she even know you loved it when she did that stuff?

I only ask because you said you were turned off by the next thing she did, which I can't figure out why she would resort to that when you say you were so responsive to her already.

 

[SpaceYeti]

You know, I understand the passivity. I used to have a female friend who would literally dance naked on me in attempt to seduce me... the entire time I thought we were just playing sexy games, I was oblivious to the fact she wanted more than just sexy-friend. I'm now older, more experienced, and far less naive, and I look back on that wishing I could take advantage of the situation with my now-brain. She was wrapped around my finger and I never even realized it until she had given up.

The young will make their mistakes. How better to learn?

 

[Duxwing]

You know, I understand the passivity. I used to have a female friend who would literally dance naked on me in attempt to seduce me... the entire time I thought we were just playing sexy games, I was oblivious to the fact she wanted more than just sexy-friend. I'm now older, more experienced, and far less naive, and I look back on that wishing I could take advantage of the situation with my now-brain. She was wrapped around my finger and I never even realized it until she had given up.

The young will make their mistakes. How better to learn?

By learning from your mistakes, O sagacious elder.

-Duxwing

 

[JimJambones]

What about flirting while married? I don't try to flirt anymore because I'm married, but I inadvertently end up doing it sometimes. It seems to be an unexpected attraction. It is usually a customer that I have never met before and when we interact I can feel right away some chemical attraction between her and I. Sometimes her face(and I'm sure mine too) may get red and she will smile while we interact. It is often after the exchange when I notice that I had flirted too. It catches me completely off guard.

Anyways, before I was married, if I liked a girl, she would often have no idea because I was incredibly shy. I would only make flirtatious gestures if I received some indication that she like me, then I would wait for the most opportune time to ask her out, which could take weeks

 

[Sensi Star]

^When she did this, did you respond? Didn't you take advantage of it and actually do something?

Towards the very beginning when I was initially excited by the non-verbal seduction, I did respond and signaled her that I was interested, however when we were alone and were about to do something her friend got in the way and we both lost the passion of that moment.

She probably changed her method because she was exasperated that she was being so obvious (in her mind) about her attraction and you didn't do anything. Does she even know you loved it when she did that stuff?

I only ask because you said you were turned off by the next thing she did, which I can't figure out why she would resort to that when you say you were so responsive to her already.

It's pretty complicated. She knows that I'm interested, but I'm not sure she knows specifically that the non-verbal stuff is what works with me. She gets kind of grumpy when she uses her roommate to give me comments and I don't respond, she feels rejected. The problem is: when I analyze it, I decide not to make the first move. She has a lot of emotional baggage and she has proven to be insecure. She gets mad when I talk about other women or compliment another woman (it's like her self-esteem depends on my approval of her). I suspect that her sexual interest in me may partly be the result of her not dealing with her baggage properly (she doesn't see a therapist but I think she needs to), so I don't want to be the one to ruin our friendship if afterwards it gets awkward between us. I'm already passive enough that I don't make the first move OR flirt first with women who don't have baggage, so with a woman that does have baggage, I'm even less likely than usual to initiate something.

So yeah, I usually just keep analyzing what could potentially go wrong if we did hook up. It's kind of like a tug-of-war between my right and left brain. When she flirts with me indirectly, it doesn't turn me on and I end up using my left brain to analyze as described and don't respond. However, at first when she was doing the non-verbal stuff, I was turned on and my right-brain's impulsiveness didn't allow my left-brain any chance to analyze (I was 'caught in the moment' and something would have happened if we weren't interrupted).

Right now we are kind of at an impasse. We are each waiting for each other to initiate it: I am waiting for her to flirt non-verbally so I get turned on and am compelled to initiate sex, and she is waiting for me to make a first move (not knowing that the indirect flirting is not enough to compel me to do so). I just need to find a way to communicate to her that the non-verbal stuff is what works, but I'm not socially-savvy enough to think of a subtle way to do this that isn't confrontational (she HATES when I'm too direct and can get mad at me easily if she feels like she's put on the spot; like I said there's something insecure about her).

Very messy situation, and by the way she is introverted too. Might be evidence that 2 introverts make a terrible match in terms of initiating sex.

 

[Nezaros]

I just need to find a way to communicate to her that the non-verbal stuff is what works, but I'm not socially-savvy enough to think of a subtle way to do this that isn't confrontational (she HATES when I'm too direct and can get mad at me easily if she feels like she's put on the spot; like I said there's something insecure about her).

Talk to the roommate?

 

[perplexitytyissimplicity]

I tend to hate flirting to an extend,because I don't see the need for it if we both like each other,and if I'm not sure if they like me I end up directly telling them I'm interested and if they do too. Its not the best way,I'm aware but I prefer not getting into a mind set of "does she like me?","she didn't smile when she said hello.",or "we haven't talked in a day it must mean she isn't interested."
So in the end it rarely plays out well,because of my lack of "passion", I've been
told. But I think if he would flirt it might seem like just an average friendly gesture,that's how I usually 'flirt'. Lol