female distraction & projects

[SkyWalker]

I have some major intellectual projects I want to finish in my life. They need immense focus and lots of time.

I'm ENTP (NeTi) and I already have trouble finishing, but with discipline I can.

The problem is that lust-for-the-female seems to destroy my discipline... Am I weak minded?

I think you guys are stronger since you have Ti as first function, instead of Ne like me.

I recently tried to be serious with an INTJ chick, a pretty girl that i actually picked for her personality, so I could have some stability to focus on my projects. She understands me, supports my projects and is good for conversations. But, even though she's pretty... she doesnt excite me enough to be honest... Is she just not pretty enough or is it about her actual personality not focusing enough on her appearance to excite me?

I seem to get distracted in chasing stupid (but hot) ESFP-dolls.
I just wasted 8 hours at night at bars etc. Well, I got what I wanted, the hottest one of the club, but I know she's not gonna last anyway since there is nothing more than lust and i basically simulated a cool guy (non-NT) while i am actually a nerd inside (an NT). Either I will get sick of her stupidity or she will run when she finds out i'm a nerd inside. And I actually feel like an idiot now, when I'm analyzing my behavior in the last 8 hours now, and tomorrow i wont be able to accomplish anything since i lost a night.

It's some kind of fantasy I'm chasing. hot girl in small dress, I start the chase, game on. Have been doing this for years, but I need to get rid of this. Would there be a way to grow up and kill it? I could finish so much more in life....I really want to, or am i just not wanting it bad enough (to compromise my sexual comfort zone)?

I tried to block barbie-doll-lust out of my life before, even NLP and other magic rituals on myself to take it out. But it seems to come back.

What is the solution?
- Should i just have multiple hot ESFPs on the side while I just finish my projects for the next 5 years, just some release of tension once in a while? (but the required attention is time consuming)
- Or should I go for 1 NT-chick and be serious even though I'm not sexually attracted to the max?
- Or should I just kick all females&sex out for the next 5 years and grind my teeth on my project full time instead?
all options would suck actually! I'm fucked

P.S. What do NT girls think of these thoughts?

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

Sorry, I don't think you have outlined the root cause of your problems.

 

[SkyWalker]

the root cause?

what could make me chase stupid hot ESFP dolls?

simply testosterone?

or is it something deeper, psychologically rooted ? is there some kind of fucked up freadian explanation for it?
or is lust just a known vice of Ne-doms?

 

[Fallenman]

Lol, that's a problem to have .

I think it matters what you're after. It seems to me like you realize you have a sex drive, so the idea of foregoing women is probably not exactly what you're after, but you're probably not looking for a relationship either (too time consuming in view of the project you're trying to tackle).

So the next question is, what is the problem? You're chasing after women you don't want to be with, as if you ARE looking for a relationship, even though you KNOW its not going to work. Well that's counter-productive as you've already pointed out yourself, relationships are time consuming, relationships with little chance of success is pointless (except for the sex drive part .

I don't know give up the chase, try and find a friend with benefits, sate your appetite work on your project. If you're trying for a real relationship, well you have to be honest and upfront and yourself. You have to be open in a way you're probably not open with most girls. And the girl has to like that real you and be mature enough to call you out on your bullshit.

Fuck the chase, satisfy your needs if you must, but if its not going to work don't bother waste the effort. If you're attracted to them but don't want anything with them then tell them and i'm sure there is someone who is in the same position on the other side of the spectrum. Perhaps.

Lol if nothing else, breaking that player persona is a project in it of itself, don't spread yourself thin, take it a step at a time .

And sorry for being presumptuous but I am assuming you get girls when you want and how you want, which is very similar to a close friend i have back home. He has tried to break the mold he's set for himself, and it has probably been one of the most stubborn problems i've seen in a person.

 

[Fallenman]

Incidently, my friend typed as an ENTJ. I didn't make the comparison based on that knowledge, you guys just sound alike.

 

[Fallenman]

In my opinion you probably shouldn't even bother looking. Just take whatever falls into your lap, and focus on your project in the mean time.

 

[SkyWalker]

@fallenman > too time consuming in view of the project you're trying to tackle

hmmm ok, the reason i choose "unsuitable" girls has to do with that. the problem is that even unsuitable girls consume too much of my time....

actually a suitable one would not be a waste of time (in the end). and every unsuitable one is logically a waste of time anwyay,


its also stupid to talk like this, i will become a freak after years of such lifestyle, addicted to it. it wont be very female friendly. and i actually do wish to consider the female perspective of such thoughts as well.


---

@fallenman > you shouldnt bother looking

i agree, but one still has to go out and hang around for quite a few hours to meet them unfortunately.
I think this is also where my Ne related problem comes in where I always think the next shiny thing is even more shiny than the current. I'm really afraid it is Ne related: obsession with imagination that an even hotter one is just around the corner

 

[Fallenman]

Well I guess thats what I meant. You implied that you were wasting time on unsuitable girls. The chase :P. Fuck the chase.

And yes, a suitable one wouldn't be a waste of time, just you don't hear about people who go out and find suitable matches as if it was as simple as going to the candy store. (Actually I think going into relationships with presuppositions about the outcome is a bad strategy from the get go. It's not a logical procedure, its an emotional one. You should feel it before you even have to consider it [but everyone always considers it before they feel it :P]).

In the end if you want to get the project done you have to focus on it, and put everything on the back burner. Just prioritize.

 

[Fallenman]

Lol actually I think you know more about connections than me.

The main point is you simply have to prioritize your projects.

 

[Kuu]

Cut off your dick.

Problem solved.

 

[Twist]

If you're not sexually attracted then it's never going to work. You probably should break up with her. I had a similar problem recently, but luckily enough we broke up for different reasons in the end, so nobodies feelings got hurt, I guess.

Personally, if I can't get sex in a stable relationship, I just jerk off ...I could probably eat my way through a few women, but I don't want to feel like a used rag... or feel like the experience isn't unique for both parties. Bit of a romantic I guess. Not to say that I'm not an intensely sexual person as well, as you seem to be.

 

[Minuend]

You are creating a lot of problems for yourself.

Get a fuck buddy until you find someone you like.

 

[Cognisant]

Get a fuck buddy until you find someone you like.

That does seem to be the way of today doesn’t it?
Or is that the way it has always been and people are just more frank about it now?

Anyway SkyWalker trying to not do something when you want to is almost impossible, instead focus on what you want to do instead, don't deny yourself sex, rediscover the passion in your projects and the distractions will naturally get pushed aside.

What are your intellectual projects?

 

[SkyWalker]

That does seem to be the way of today doesn’t it?
Or is that the way it has always been and people are just more frank about it now?

People have always been horny when healthy, but the over-glorification of promiscuity is something new. Like the glorification of the useless Paris Hilton, Californication, Sex and the city etc... This has never been seen out in the open before.

Actually its real fun to watch californication! But.. hmm what if its just an illusion?

Promiscuous lifestyle is the road to extinction? To fuck 1000 woman is to end up alone, childless, and doing the same to all those women you have infected with the mind-virus. Not to mention the hatred-towards-males/frustration that will seed in them when 35+, childless, useless and not attractive any more.

This lifestyle can never be a sustainable lifestyle for the masses, since it leads to extinction, yet we promote it to the masses nowadays.

What if my sexual desire is a false desire, which society has imprinted on me.
what if it is a constructed ideology running on me?
of course i have a biological sexual drive, but maybe it has been collectively thwarted first and then collectively pushed into overdrive, like an over-stimulation of my normal healthy sexual drive. meanwhile it is like a mind-virus stealing my mind's vital processing power. and everytime when it takes over and posseses me, i spread the mind-virus to girls. making them play glorified whores on their turn, luring more men in, etc.
is it a self-replicating structure that spontaously emerged? or is it constructed? if so, for what purpose? to deconstruct and clear older ideologies?

i consider these things, but since i have not formed a sound opinion yet about this, i currently still participate in the promiscuous spirit of our time. i think that if i build a solid opinion i might be able to stop it stealing my time. can anybody help form my opinion?

 

[downsowf]

wow. your mind is tied in a knot right now and there's no way I can attempt to untangle it. Try to take this without being insulted: I think you are using your distractions with sex and women as an excuse not to start your projects. Having a healthy and active sex life is beneficial in your quest to finish your intellectual projects(hey, look at Picasso). I don't know how old you are but it sounds like you're on a roll right now and you expect this to continue for some time. I submit to you this: take advantage of this roll you're on because most likely it won't be permanent and you probably won't have the options you think as mentioned in your post.

It's also ambiguous to me whether you want a relationship or not. For instance, in the incident you told about some blonde you met at a club, you explained that you were worried she was going to find out you were a nerd. Who cares if she already had sex with you? Also, why continue having a relationship with this lady anyway. The best thing you could do is figure out what you want. It's always smart to set boundaries too. Before I ever start a relationship with a woman, I always let her know that I'm not looking for any long term commitment, and I wouldn't be able to have a serious relationship until I focus on my own pursuits first. A lot of women I think see this as some sort of "game" or that I'm trying to "act like I don't care" to achieve some sort of sexual psychological goal, but this is further from the truth.

Also, as an INTP, I definitely do relate to your obsessive behavior. I also love women too and they are a fascinating topic. As an over-analyzer myself, I always think of the consequences of my actions, and this means weighing the pros and cons of doing something you know you will come to regret later. Do a cost benefit analysis, focus on the task at hand, and at this point I would suggest not getting too emotionally involved in any relationships.

 

[SkyWalker]

Thanks for the reply.

I don't know how old you are but it sounds like you're on a roll right now and you expect this to continue for some time. I submit to you this: take advantage of this roll you're on because most likely it won't be permanent and you probably won't have the options you think as mentioned in your post.

Well I think men can be attractive until at least their 50s? Actually they seem to get more attractive by age, until they really lose health/fitness. I am 30ish, so I still have at least 20 years or so. (Although I hope I dont spend the next 20 years in that trap.)

in the incident you told about some blonde you met at a club, you explained that you were worried she was going to find out you were a nerd.

I am not worried, nor ashamed of being an inner-nerd.
Actually "superfiscial barbies" seem to even like it. But it makes them run nevertheless because it makes them feel inferior. Or maybe not, but it just signals that they can never connect with me, it gives them the instant insight that my attention for them is temporary. It is the indifference (lack of attention) which first attracts them and later repulses them.
You mentioned to let her openly know you dont want a long term commitment, but that is just a well known womanizer trick which attracts her initially

Who cares if she already had sex with you? Also, why continue having a relationship with this lady anyway.

If the sex was good > then I still "care" to keep them (all) for sex, because it saves precious time looking for new candidates.
Of course it never lasts anyway... There exists no sane girl which wants such a relationship. This is the realization that is biting me: I will be stuck with unhealthy women, and it will influence me and change me into something unhealthy as well. or, in the case of a healthy woman, i will ruin her, or (less pessimistic: ) just waste her time.

 

[Melllvar]

all options would suck actually! I'm fucked

This is what I was thinking the entire time I was reading that. You are fucked. Welcome to the curse of the male gender. Everything you try to do in life will always be held back by your biology. There is no solution. Get used to it.

I'm sorry.

 

[Minuend]

I don't really see any problems.

 

[Melllvar]

I don't really see any problems.

1) His sex drive and interest in women is getting in the way of things he knows are more valuable and important to him.
2) His innate desire for the girls he finds more interesting is not as strong his biological drive to be with girls he has little to no interest in or respect for (outside of sex).
3) Attempts to take a "mind over matter" approach will inevitably fail as one part of him will keep wanting one thing while another part desires something else.

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, Sky.

 

[GYX_Kid]

What is the solution?
- Should i just have multiple hot ESFPs on the side while I just finish my projects for the next 5 years, just some release of tension once in a while? (but the required attention is time consuming)
- Or should I go for 1 NT-chick and be serious even though I'm not sexually attracted to the max?
- Or should I just kick all females&sex out for the next 5 years and grind my teeth on my project full time instead?
all options would suck actually! I'm fucked

It would be possible to equally keep all 3, and fluctuate based on your current mood and what time/priorities allowed for

But let's say you leaned towards option A for the most part. Do you think you could just do it until you got more or less sick of it, and then move on to the "finer" NTs in life (plus it being refreshing)? Or were you saying that you're convinced of barbie dolls being an everlasting addiction?

Maybe you'll run into one girl who will discourage you from females for a while anyway, giving you more time and energy investment geared towards your project.
And it is possible to keep working and developing until you find some hot and exciting NT

 

[Minuend]

1) His sex drive and interest in women is getting in the way of things he knows are more valuable and important to him.
2) His innate desire for the girls he finds more interesting is not as strong his biological drive to be with girls he has little to no interest in or respect for (outside of sex).
3) Attempts to take a "mind over matter" approach will inevitably fail as one part of him will keep wanting one thing while another part desires something else.

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, Sky.

That's more clear.

1. More like obsession. It's a thought pattern that can be changed. I don't think it's really his sex drive that's the problem. There could be numeral things, for instance like downsowf said, using it as an excuse. "Oh, I am powerless to change because of my biology". That's liberating, isn't it? No responsibility.

2. Then does he really find those women more interesting?

3. I disagree.
He can find the real reason behind all this.
The more often he have sex, the more his body will crave it. He can reduce the frequency gradually.
He can take up some sport, taking his mind off things.
Change thought pattern, like said.

 

[SkyWalker]

It would be possible to equally keep all 3, and fluctuate based on your current mood and what time/priorities allowed for

haha well... thats whats going on here.... cycling the options

 

[SkyWalker]

That's more clear.

1. More like obsession. It's a thought pattern that can be changed. I don't think it's really his sex drive that's the problem. There could be numeral things, for instance like downsowf said, using it as an excuse. "Oh, I am powerless to change because of my biology". That's liberating, isn't it? No responsibility.

Yes its procrastination. I agree. "The easy way out." Painfully thinking out my project to the finest detail alone in a room, or drop and go out to see girls.
Although some might say its healthier to go out? Or is that my excuse?

He can find the real reason behind all this.

How?
I am not blaming "my biology" per se. I am also considering it to be ideologically imposed on me somehow.

The more often he have sex, the more his body will crave it. He can reduce the frequency gradually.

True. But i guess its also (or even more) about the frequency of the hunt and not about the frequency of actual sex. The hunt excites me more actually

 

[EditorOne]

"Well I think men can be attractive until at least their 50s? Actually they seem to get more attractive by age, until they really lose health/fitness. I am 30ish, so I still have at least 20 years or so."

There's no magic end point for being attractive, male or female, but I digress.

I agree with Minuend's original point, you need a fuck buddy. You need someone you can trust not to mess with your emotions, who is also in need of an outlet for unrequited lust, and with whom you can get along without miscommunications and misunderstandings. I'm told such females exist. I have no advice on how to find them, except to note that everything you are doing is probably exactly wrong. Personally I'd look in a library or a book store, but that's just one of my quirky theoretical ideas with no practical observation to go with it.

 

[Pride]

Solution: two girlfriends simultaneously.

Girlfriend A: INT

Girlfriend B: ESF

Is this not a reasonable suggestion?

 

[EditorOne]

Perhaps, pride, you have stumbled into the real basis for polygamy.

 

[lucky12]

I agree with Minuend's original point, you need a fuck buddy. You need someone you can trust not to mess with your emotions, who is also in need of an outlet for unrequited lust, and with whom you can get along without miscommunications and misunderstandings. I'm told such females exist. I have no advice on how to find them, except to note that everything you are doing is probably exactly wrong. Personally I'd look in a library or a book store, but that's just one of my quirky theoretical ideas with no practical observation to go with it.

I agree with Minuend. I don't really see much of an issue here. Just keep living and learning, you can never be done the life you live. There is no end.

As for fuck buddies, Editor they exist in many females. Generally I find them looking straight at me licking their lips The minute you have some rapport with them they will jump on you. At least this is what I have come to the conclusion of, I have experience limited to 4 girls who have been fuck buddies. 1/4 had feelings afterwards, or at least pretended to.

 

[SkyWalker]

I'd look in a library or a book store, but that's just one of my quirky theoretical ideas with no practical observation to go with it.

eh? for a fuck buddy???? are you crazy??

those are the kind of girls i lay next to with all the good intentions and then i just cant get it up. i have been in those ackward and heart breaking situations actually a few times. only to find out later with another girl that it does indeed still work properly.

today i was told by a female friend that i might just be spoiled making me unwilling to invest.
according to her: i think compromise is wrong, so i take the next. the not compromising part is actually right, but then i should work on resolving it on the same girl, not the next.
it is totally true that i dont invest actually.

its maybe because i have been investing in the wrong ones (ESFP) when i was young.

maybe i should invest in a library NT chick. make her sexy somehow by my own pain and effort. is that actually possible if its not the nature of the animal? or do all animals (secretly) have this nature? but if possible to ignite in her, that would take at least a few years for a nerdy chick. but in those years how can i keep mutual interest if there is no attraction yet??? i would have to secretly swallow viagra before laying next to her in the meantime??? or remain celibate with her as if we're 2 christians before marriage? and then throw it on that bullshit? i cant actually tell her my real intention of making her sexier, that would break her heart

maybe that christian celibate before marriage stuff was a good idea actually for this reason. then i could get engaged (as a token of my agreement in investing in her), while working on making her sexier meanwhile... when really sexy level reached then marry! haha.

i am saying haha, but i am actually really considering this now?? maybe its seriously smart

investing would of course hamper my projects on short term. but maybe its good in the long run? since it will give me stability?

but its very frickle, since if she opposes my efforts of investment in her sexyness too often and too much, then i would assume her nature is unchangable and i would probably run back to a few hot ESFPs pretty fast...

 

[lucky12]

Is making a long term investment indeed what you would like to do? You look into the definition of NT, why not just throw MBTI out the window when you look for potential mates?

Will I be hung for saying this?

You aren't spoiled, give me a fucking break. You are doing what you want to do because that is what people try to do. I think if you make a long term investment you will just be kidding yourself, the sex will be amazing after however long you are willing to wait but I think you just need moderation. How much sexier could you make a girl by "investing" in her? I mean you could be having sex with her while fine tuning your relationship.

tldr;

I see your point, but its too complicated. You cannot make assumption about significance of things if it is not explicitly stated. Until you experience this alter ego of yourself in its true essence by "investing" in a girl then you will not know what you are looking for.

 

[Puffy]

Is it not possible to work by day and fuck by night? Maybe, like myself, you have problems with procrastination?

 

[pjoa09]

same problem but i dont do anything about it and cant seem to get along with the intellectual pursuit.

i also get distracted when i want something and i cant get it whether due to social protocol or just pure financial reasons.

maybe just cut yourself from them? quit going out? that is the only way i can prolong these episodes.

 

[Melllvar]

eh? for a fuck buddy???? are you crazy??

those are the kind of girls i lay next to with all the good intentions and then i just cant get it up. i have been in those ackward and heart breaking situations actually a few times. only to find out later with another girl that it does indeed still work properly

Heh. We clearly have very different taste in women. I realize this is a pretty pointless comment, it's just so amusing to me that I had to post it anyways. (And this from someone who pretty much considers himself just xNTP at this point.)

Although I had kind of the same reaction, it's more the fact that the cool girls hanging out in the sci-fi section of some bookstore (or wherever) aren't usually there (or anywhere) looking to meet random guys for that sort of 'fun'.

 

[pjoa09]

How do you know NTs are in the library? They may be just about anywhere they can physically be.

They could even be in the bar or club. Now I don't think that is a good idea because I'd imagine that they would have emotional issues if they are in to get male attention. Perhaps use you as a sex doll or something.

You could get an ENTJ or ENTP chick. If you can find one. They'd be more than willing to get all sexy. I believe extroverts are much more comfortable with the idea of being attractive. I could be wrong.

 

[Puffy]

^ Yeah, I don't think it's always so clear-cut as to where you can find certain types.

I remember being in a book-store once and approaching someone in the sci-fi section; she turned around and was holding a copy of twilight.



Maybe the comic section, dunno.

 

[EditorOne]

"How do you know NTs are in the library? They may be just about anywhere they can physically be"

Yeah, I was being semi facetiously stereotypical. Sometimes humor really does require a smiling face you can see.

 

[lucky12]

Kids these days, they don't even have a sense of humor
Why not look in every section?

 

[warryer]

Spoiler

99 PROBLEMS - YouTube

I had to.


------

Firstly, if this NT girl truly knows that you care about her. When I say her i mean her - that which she stands for, the basis of her being. And you wouldn't do anything to change it then, I can't see any problems with you telling her you want her to be more sexually appealing to you. I bet you she would even go for it aslong as it doesn't cross her principles.

But yea the way you are joking about it, you would break her heart.

Secondly, you sound like you are younger- maybe in college. And if you get it your view about what makes you happy will change.

Thirdly, you may find with NT girl that attraction is not only skin deep. Shocking I know. Just the way you talk about her I can see you are experiencing something which you think is "abnormal."

Fourthly, don't buy into that PUA crap. You will only fake your way into relationships with other fakers. Yea if you're all about 1-nighters (see Secondly) then this will get you what you want.

Shit you said it yourself, you simulate a non NT person so you can get these "super hot babes." I think you go for these girls because everybody else wants them. And because you have them you feel somehow validated. But when they find out you are really a nerd they leave you. (Did you think that maybe it's because they found out you were lying? see: PUA)

I cannot state how much I HATE PUA. They prey upon people's insecurities and profit from it. Only furthering the depth of the insecurity. They just duct tape something together to make it barely work while leaving the real problem to fester and get worse. Its the same as fat people taking diet pills after scarfing down a plate full of Big Mac's and wondering why they are still fat.

Do what you want. Take my words however you choose. You asked for advice and I gave it.

 

[See_Air_Ah]

What do NT girls think of these thoughts?

As an INTP girl, here is what I would do (I had a similar issue a while back, and a J helped, this was her advice).
-Prioritize. It seems obvious that you want to get your project done.
-Set a goal, i.e meet a deadline you set for yourself at the week concerning your project.
-Have a reward. When you meet the deadline, and not until, you can go out and satisfy your need for sex.
-You can't completely drop sex, because that would be detrimental, instead use it as motivation to progress with your project.

It's an excersize in self control and disipline, but it's a way to have your cake and eat it too..

 

[pjoa09]

"How do you know NTs are in the library? They may be just about anywhere they can physically be"

Yeah, I was being semi facetiously stereotypical. Sometimes humor really does require a smiling face you can see.

Oh sorry, didn't read your post first. I read Skywalkers's 'iibrary NT chick'.

 

[SkyWalker]

As an INTP girl, here is what I would do (I had a similar issue a while back, and a J helped, this was her advice).
-Prioritize. It seems obvious that you want to get your project done.
-Set a goal, i.e meet a deadline you set for yourself at the week concerning your project.
-Have a reward. When you meet the deadline, and not until, you can go out and satisfy your need for sex.
-You can't completely drop sex, because that would be detrimental, instead use it as motivation to progress with your project.

It's an excersize in self control and disipline, but it's a way to have your cake and eat it too..

Great, I guess you are right that I have to thoroughly plan everything instead of letting things flow.

I am actually planning, but I dont plan the "free time", this is my error, i agree that i should do this too.

I am sometimes trying to just work 24/7 and then all of sudden I have the urge for something else and drop everything, and then I flow because there is no plan anymore. Its an illusion to think that I can do without free time, so i'd better plan it in the schedule, you are totally right.

Great tip, its obvious, but its really in my face now. I will do it.

 

[EditorOne]

"I am sometimes trying to just work 24/7"

My experience has been that thinner slices of time are more efficient. See Air Ah's advice doesn't require abandonment of everything; she specifically mentioned goals. Personally I think even a week is too long for the INTP personality. Not that you need a daily reward, but you do need a daily goal, something you can, in your mind, check off as an accomplishment. Otherwise the thing stretches before you like eternity, ponderous and immutable, and you get, yup, frustrated. Set a daily goal, get it done, and then do something else. Anything. For a few hours. Your brain is still working on the big thing, at some level; when you actually put your hands back on it after a break you'll find more results and progress happening than if you just keep hammering away relentlessly.
For instance: When I was building the occasional simple wooden boat I'd need to stay on task day to day; getting some time in every day literally let me pick up the tools right where I left off. Stopping for an entire day was a disaster, I'd forget where I was and forget about some nuances I'd worked out for the next hands-on session. (Wood is full of little challenges and little solutions.)