Eye Contact

[flow]

I'm thinking eye contact may be a tricky thing for us introverts, but it's necessity cannot be denied. Do you have trouble maintaining eye contact during conversations? I find it especially challenging to talk to groups of over 5 people, and if I do it at length it becomes exhausting. I think the problem is just that I'm thinking entirely too quickly, I'm watching everyone in the group and their reactions while trying to think of what they're thinking of.. which is a lot to think about. Thus my need to be alone to soak in all the information I just received.. without eyes watching me. Another eye contact problem for me is that I never know which eye to lock onto. : /

 

[FacetiousPersona]

I naturally do not look at people in the eyes and I am fine with this.

 

[LucasM]

Eye contact prolonged = staring -> freaks people out.

Some eye contact -> essential.
Balance required.

Are are you talking about when others look at you?
Then, yeah, it makes it hard to think seriously.

[edit] I had a staring contest with my avatar and lost.

 

[Ermine]

I make adequate eye contact, but I have to do it consciously, and I find it awkward trying to listen to what the person is saying and maintaining eye contact and making sure it's not too negligent and not too intense.

If I were more comfortable with the person I'm conversing with, I do a lot less eye contact, stare off into space, pace around and do other things. I only reserve this for people who know me well enough to know I'm listening to every word they're saying, without the eye contact.

 

[echoplex]

Yes, this is a weakness for me. It's hard to think so much and still manage to 'present yourself', so to speak.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

Hold your eye contact, don't blink, tilt your head forward about 5% and open your eyes ever so slightly wider.

Guaranteed to freak people out, the "L" look. (from deathnote)

People's true identities are revealed when they are uncomfortable, or afraid.

 

[FacetiousPersona]

Hold your eye contact, don't blink, tilt your head forward about 5% and open your eyes ever so slightly wider.

Guaranteed to freak people out, the "L" look. (from deathnote)

People's true identities are revealed when they are uncomfortable, or afraid.

I'd stare back and be puzzled.

 

[echoplex]

tilt your head forward about 5% and open your eyes ever so slightly wider.

Funny, I've heard that when talking to women, guys should tilt their head back a bit to "appear more confident."

 

[bdubs]

I used my neutral stare for a passport photo. Many of those who have seen it claim that I look like an axe murderer in that picture. Now I know why my eye contact seems to freak people out.

 

[echoplex]

Interestingly enough, looking like an axe murderer makes axe murdering considerably harder.

 

[FacetiousPersona]

Funny, I've heard that when talking to women, guys should tilt their head back a bit to "appear more confident."

My dog uses this tactic on me. Sneaky son of a...

 

[wadlez]

Dont think about it and intuitivly you will give the right amount of eye contact. Infact, if you just let go in social situations you will just do everything right, your brain intuitivly knows exactly what to do, you mess it up when you consciously think about it.

Think about talking to someone you really get along with when your in deep conversation, you forget all about eye contact and other things and just feel comfortable.

I know this sounds hard, I had problems with it when i was younger, but you'll get it. Intp's stress too much and think about everything, this is good for working on theories and being creative but also has really bad side effects (like being socially arkward).

just let go

 

[FacetiousPersona]

Dont think about it and intuitivly you will give the right amount of eye contact. Infact, if you just let go in social situations you will just do everything right, your brain intuitivly knows exactly what to do, you mess it up when you consciously think about it.

No- not for everyone.

 

[DynamicMind]

When I'm talking to a group of 3 or more people I have serious issues with eye contact. Most of the time I end up staring at the floor or at the person I am most familiar with in the group. If I look anywhere else I'll get distracted by trying to analyze the reactions to what I'm saying and will end up trailing off and forgetting what I'm saying.

 

[bdubs]

Interestingly enough, looking like an axe murderer makes axe murdering considerably harder.

It also makes meeting people in general considerably harder.

 

[Perseus]

Too much eye contact and you could be hypnotised.

Or you could be accused of staring!

I am not sure my intuition (leading process with Extroversion ENTP) can be trusted to behave properly.

 

[hopefulmonster]

eye contact is over rated

 

[Artifice Orisit]

Too much eye contact and you could be hypnotised.

Was that a joke? With Perseus I can never tell if it's a joke or not.

Must avoid eye contact, must maintain cognitive control. I'm watching you.

 

[sagewolf]

Don't get funny, Cognisant. I'm the only person who can handle the voices in my head.

I agree with Wadlez: just forget about doing what's correct and do what feels right. Intuition is our extraverted function and it's good at figuring out what's right without a whole lot of second-guessing and thinking about it. Combined with Fe (getting along in groups; relating to people) we shouldn't be as awkward socially as we make ourselves be. It's a case of motivating ourselves to do it and teaching ourselves not to stress. I'm happy to trust my Ne. The worst everyone else can do is think I'm really, really weird...

No, wait... they think that already.

 

[Kuu]

I used to be extremely avoidant in eye contact.

Until I told myself that I should learn to do it, to appear confident even if I am dying of insecurity inside.

Its fun to just sit, and if somebody looks while you are looking at them, don't shy away, but keep looking until they turn around.

When talking one on one, it makes extraverts, and specially feelers, much comfortable. But too much can make introverts uneasy....

 

[Ghost1986]

I'm thinking eye contact may be a tricky thing for us introverts, but it's necessity cannot be denied. Do you have trouble maintaining eye contact during conversations? I find it especially challenging to talk to groups of over 5 people, and if I do it at length it becomes exhausting. I think the problem is just that I'm thinking entirely too quickly, I'm watching everyone in the group and their reactions while trying to think of what they're thinking of.. which is a lot to think about. Thus my need to be alone to soak in all the information I just received.. without eyes watching me. Another eye contact problem for me is that I never know which eye to lock onto. : /

i have no problem with it on my end. the problem is on their end. most people will not look you in the eye and if they do its less than a second in length. its also said that when someone looks away, the are subconsciously saying that your the dominant party.

 

[Devercia]

The meaning behind eyecontact is cultural.

My very bohemian but actually Czech ENTP sociology teacher was musing about his trip to Korea. Being a westerner in the east is an uncomfortable lesson in formalities and hierarchy. So he made sure to be mindful of eye contact, but was annoyed at how the older generation was so hostile to him. After some time he was told that eye contact was considered a challenge or threat rather than a gesture of respect or attention.

 

[figaro_black]

Usually I have no problems whatsoever with maintaining appropriate eye contact during conversations. The larger the group, the easier it gets since then you can shift your gaze naturally without appearing rude. And the deeper into the conversation I am, the less I think about things like body language.

However, from time to time I can find it extremely difficult keeping eye contact when alone with someone and we are not really talking about anything engaging. The more I think about it, simply, the harder it gets.

 

[nemo]

Eye contact used to be a horror for me... Still is, in fact. If I see anyone else or even a car when I'm walking my dogs, I'll pull my cap down over my eyes. Maybe it's the 'if I can't see them, they can't see me' theory subconsciously running in my mind. >_>

Funnily enough though, at other times I'll full on stare at someone when I'm talking to them and they'll freak out. I also have a thing with eyes...so sometimes I'll be staring/analysing someone's eyes and they'll think that I'm staring at them and they'll feel awkward and slowly back away.

 

[Dominguez]

Most of the time I don't feel a great need to look someone in the eye when I'm talking to them. One thing I have trouble with at work is eye contact when I'm walking by a coworker. I look at them, they look at me, I look away continuing onto what I was doing yet I can peripherally see them still looking at me and they haven't said anything so I continue on. I wonder what they're thinking when that happens.

I find it a lil strange and discomforting when a person has me in an immovable position while they're explaining something to me so I spend most of the time listening and looking away while they continue talking and looking at me. Makes me feel somewhat trapped so I usually try to physically move the conversation to a more open environment.

The worst thing happened when I was out with a friend who might have been more than just a friend. Apparantly we were both anticipating some sparks to fly that night. We went and got something to eat and while we were waiting for the food, she would continually somewhat stare at me, or just try to hold eye contact for a while and smile a little. I was perplexed because I didn't understand why she did this so my responding look was equally perplexed. At one point I even told her I felt awkward, that there was too much eye contact going on. That immediately put her down and i felt horrible, since that result wasnt my intention and I didnt give it much thought before i blurted it out but i couldnt hold it back anymore, it was 20 minutes of confusion and misinterpretation on my part.

 

[Dominguez]

Funnily enough though, at other times I'll full on stare at someone when I'm talking to them and they'll freak out. I also have a thing with eyes...so sometimes I'll be staring/analysing someone's eyes and they'll think that I'm staring at them and they'll feel awkward and slowly back away.

yup, same here.

 

[QSR]

This is an interesting thing I've been thinking about lately, and I think I need to make more eye contact, although I just realized this recently. I am usually very good about switching up my eye contact when in a one-on-one situation, but I rarely make eye contact when I hardly know the person.

I think I have a fear of dominating the other person or being overly aggressive if I look them in the eye for more than a second or so. I have a fairly dominating personality so I may have learned this as a defense mechanism through the years, or maybe I'm just expressing shyness.

In fact my shyness and introversion may all be defense mechanisms to prevent people from "discovering" that I have a tendency to want to dominate all social situations. Oh the paradox of the INTP. Sorry I know that's a bit of a tangent, but I think our eye contact problems are rooted in an animalistic dominance power play that we're trying desperately to avoid taking part in.

 

[nemo]

The worst thing happened when I was out with a friend who might have been more than just a friend. Apparantly we were both anticipating some sparks to fly that night. We went and got something to eat and while we were waiting for the food, she would continually somewhat stare at me, or just try to hold eye contact for a while and smile a little. I was perplexed because I didn't understand why she did this so my responding look was equally perplexed. At one point I even told her I felt awkward, that there was too much eye contact going on. That immediately put her down and i felt horrible, since that result wasnt my intention and I didnt give it much thought before i blurted it out but i couldnt hold it back anymore, it was 20 minutes of confusion and misinterpretation on my part.

Did everything turn out alright? =S

I used to be so scared of my english teacher, I'd never look him in the eye. Then one day, he was telling me off and I looked at him and realised that he had lovely light-brown eyes! From his personality, I'd always expected him to have those cold, gray eyes...

 

[wadlez]

The worst thing happened when I was out with a friend who might have been more than just a friend. Apparantly we were both anticipating some sparks to fly that night. We went and got something to eat and while we were waiting for the food, she would continually somewhat stare at me, or just try to hold eye contact for a while and smile a little. I was perplexed because I didn't understand why she did this so my responding look was equally perplexed. At one point I even told her I felt awkward, that there was too much eye contact going on. That immediately put her down and i felt horrible, since that result wasnt my intention and I didnt give it much thought before i blurted it out but i couldnt hold it back anymore, it was 20 minutes of confusion and misinterpretation on my part.

Lol

Sorry I know that's a bit of a tangent, but I think our eye contact problems are rooted in an animalistic dominance power play that we're trying desperately to avoid taking part in.

Yeah that would be it to some extent as we want to detach from objective reality and not be dominated or affected in anyway by external factors.

 

[Dominguez]

Did everything turn out alright? =S

I used to be so scared of my english teacher, I'd never look him in the eye. Then one day, he was telling me off and I looked at him and realised that he had lovely light-brown eyes! From his personality, I'd always expected him to have those cold, gray eyes...

yeah we're still great friends, we still talk as if it never happened...turns out what I was feeling for her is moreso the love I would have for a sister. That would explain why I love her a great deal- and I truly do-but not in a sexual way.

 

[Mars]

Generally I end up trying to play the situation to give me an approachable disposition in their eyes, when having a one on one conversation it tends to get to be a very tricky environment for me so I try to approach a conversing group and that usually gives me ample time to observe the nature & frequency of their attention checks, it's a bit of a game and dependent on the individual but it is one system that I try to refine and employ.

Of course the groups I approach are filtered, after a fashion. Ranging from temperament of the group to familiarity with number of people within that group. Which leaves me with a broad base to chose friends form new environments with a loose "support group" to return to when everyone just gets too much. Currently studying so this tends to be one of the the international student groups.

Groups tend to be manageable for me, dependent on its makeup. But they are always daunting to me. Even crowds, if roughly 20 people or more are assembled to do something that is not really constructive it makes me worried because of group thought. Then the larger crowds of hundreds just slowly drive my mind to shards, attempting to concoct a contingency plan at that point is a bit too difficult for me.

But yeah, eye contact. enough to embed into the minds of agressive/manipulative/ambitious poeple that I watch with both eyes and their shenanigans are unappreciated. Usually delivered with one of those responses that indicate underlying reasoning will prevent me from ever engaging or enjoying similar activities, it seems to work more often than not. Then with other people it slowly goes through stages untill I try to endear myself to them. Still rewriting my conventions in this area as embarrasing situations have ensued, bit more cautious now.

As far as socialising goes it is a chore for me to wade through all the personalities to find people who could appreciate that the harmless characteristics are harmless.

 

[Kidege]

I stared when I was a kid and was scolded for it. Had to "train" myself out of it and went to the other extreme. I guess it comes or came off as haughty, since I didn't look down either.

These days I put on my "distracted professor" or "harmless young person" look to avoid making eye contact. I'll make brief contact and then look away or let my eyes glaze over. I frankly rarely care enough about someone to let them look into me/try to look into them. The exception would be when I'm teaching.

With friends I go from no eye contact at all to intense and short "I'm here and I know you" moments.

 

[Yozuki]

Truth be told, I am deathly afraid of people. I always avoided eye contact when I was younger. Then I ran into an older man that I was forced to work with. It was a point for him ti maintain eye contact when speaking with me at all times. The day finally came when I didn't give a damn and stared back.

He was afraid of me and getting flustered with his speaking patterns.

Quite frankly, I'm tired of the shell or whatever I was in and decided to rewrite my behavior conciously. I'm still deathly afraid of people mind you, but I'm not afraid to make eye contact. I'll go beyond creepy and go for straight overkill.

By this point most people ask why I'm staring at them. They're really nervous about it. But they warm up real quick when they realize I'm not a threat.

Cool huh?

 

[Ogion]

I make adequate eye contact, but I have to do it consciously, and I find it awkward trying to listen to what the person is saying and maintaining eye contact and making sure it's not too negligent and not too intense.

If I were more comfortable with the person I'm conversing with, I do a lot less eye contact, stare off into space, pace around and do other things. I only reserve this for people who know me well enough to know I'm listening to every word they're saying, without the eye contact.

Exactly the same with me.
Eye contact that lasts longer than, say, 2 seconds or so distracts and confuses me so much that i can't concentrate on the said anymore and have to ask what was just being said (or i forget what i am saying right now and stop speaing, not knowing what i wanted). It's annoying.

Ogion

 

[preilemus]

i have always been uncomfortable looking people in the eye. i became aware of this about 2 years ago, and have since then trained myself to do it more often because i was afraid people would think i lack self-confidence.

 

[severus]

I don't know if I make eye contact or not. D: I've never thought about it.

I know I make it when giving speeches for school though. And no one looks back! So frustrating, I feel like they're ignoring me. Which is likely.

 

[Carnap]

I hate eye contact. I usually look at the lower half of peopl's face to get a global view. I like to see their reactions, any twitching, slight movement, it gives a better picture of what they are thinking.

The eyes? For some reason I find people who look me in the eyes as invasive...

 

[severus]

Can you read people's emotions/thoughts by looking into their eyes? I fail horribly at this.

 

[hope]

http://www.glennrowe.net/BaronCohen/Faces/EyesTest.aspx
This is an online test with pictures of people's eyes.

 

[Red Mage]

I don't buy the whole eyes being the window to the soul thing. They're just organs like any other. When I'm speaking to women, I feel more confortable looking at their breasts. When talking to dudes I usually look at some woman's breasts.

On hope's test I got 25, which is in the normal range.

 

[Nevermind]

I hate eye contact. I usually look at the lower half of peopl's face to get a global view. I like to see their reactions, any twitching, slight movement, it gives a better picture of what they are thinking.

The eyes? For some reason I find people who look me in the eyes as invasive...

I do the same exact thing usually.

I do, however, like to give people(that I don't know well) a cold analytical stare and try to read their minds. It doesn't really work, but it makes them nervous, which, in turn, makes their facial expressions easier to read. Also, people are less likely to lie to you if they get that eerie feeling that you may be somehow reading them, seeing straight through their false persona or lies. It's fun.