Dumb Jokes are the Best Kind

[SpaceYeti]

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

 

[SpaceYeti]

"Dam"




How do you throw a party in space?

 

[Cognisant]

You invite all the stars.

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

 

[Brontosaurie]

he thought it was interRUSting ha ha aha hahah

 

[SpaceYeti]

Planet.

@Cognisant
He was looking for a tight seal.

 

[Cognisant]

What do you call an insect that eats glue?
A solve-ant.

What did the knight do at the gay bar?
He got his drag-on.

Recently I was hit by a dozen falling books, I have only my shelf to blame.

 

[Absurdity]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[Cognisant]

(need a twisted sense of humor for this one)

Do you ever get the feeling that there's something creepy happening, right now, right behind you, like maybe there's a face in the wall staring at you or a shadow creeping up your back, and every time you turn around it disappears, but it'll still be there, the moment you turn away again, it'll be there.

 

[Absurdity]

A duck walks into a pharmacy, brings a stick of chapstick to the register and tells the cashier, "Put it on my bill."

 

[Jennywocky]

What do you get if you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

What do you call the guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa.

What did the two walls say to each other?
I'll meet ya at the corner.

What did the little tree say when it grew up?
Geometry. [This joke and the last were told to our high school class by our math teacher.]

He was looking for a tight seal.

This response caught me so off-guard I burst out laughing. Thanks for that.

(need a twisted sense of humor for this one)

Do you ever get the feeling that there's something creepy happening, right now, right behind you, like maybe there's a face in the wall staring at you or a shadow creeping up your back, and every time you turn around it disappears, but it'll still be there, the moment you turn away again, it'll be there.

Oh, now I really hate you.

One of my best friends (another INTP) used to tease me with that very thing. We had read a ghost story about the Lurker in the Closet, who watches your every move, and although you can try to turn and catch him, you won't ever see him -- you just can feel his eyes on the back of your head. It creeped me out a lot... so of course my friend would bring it up any time we talked on the phone. I wanted to thwack him.

 

[Pizzabeak]

A cat walks into a bar and says , "ow, me".

 

[The Gopher]

How do you make a dog go meow?

Drop it off a cliff. Meowww...

How do you make a cat go woof.

Jump on it.

There is a fog separating the British and french armies. The french general calls out "We'll send in one man if you send in one man"

The British general agrees and after some fighting the french general calls out again. "we'll send in one man and you send in 10 men"

The British general agrees and sends in ten men. After the fighting dies down the french general calls out again "We'll send in 1 man if you send in 30 men" The British general is baffled by this point but he sends in his men and the fighting continues.

The french general cries out again "we'll send in one man if you send if fifty" The British general starts preparing his men but just as he is about to send them in one British solder crawls out of the fog.

"Don't do it sir, it's a trap! There's two of them!"

 

[Sigastrialomundinjia]

Dumb jokes are the inabilities of men at its finest, at the point of the despair of the idiot human being who cannot fathom the inability to think.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Neat troll. Can we keep him?

 

[Hawkeye]

A man walks into a pub.

"Ouch!" he cried; it was a metal pub

 

[thekatspajamas]

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I-DEER!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

STILL no i-deer!

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

A woman hears a knock on the door and opens it to find a group of young boys.

"Can Timmy come out and play baseball with us?" They ask

"Now boys" the woman scolds "you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs!"

"Yes we know" one of the boys replies "We were hoping we could use him for first base."

 

[Latte]

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Kevin.

Kevin who?

Bacon Kevin.

 

[Architect]

A woman hears a knock on the door and opens it to find a group of young boys.

"Can Timmy come out and play baseball with us?" They ask

"Now boys" the woman scolds "you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs!"

"Yes we know" one of the boys replies "We were hoping we could use him for first base."

Sadly that gave me a belly laugh

 

[Duxwing]

Oh, we're bringing Billy jokes into this? Let the games begin!

What do you call Billy when you nail him to a wall?
Art.

What do you call Billy when you lay him in front of your door?
Matt.

What do you call Billy when you throw him in your pool?
Bob.

What did Billy get for Christmas?
Cancer.

How do you fit Billy into a sink?
A blender.

Which end of him goes in first?
The feet, naturally.

Why the feet?
To see the expression on his face.

And how do you get him out of the sink again?
Doritos.

What's the difference between Billy and a watermelon?
One's fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is a watermelon.

What's the difference between Billy and a trampoline?
Nothing.

Really? That's lame.
Fine. You can't wear your boots when you jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between Billy and a truckload of bowling-balls.
You can't use a pitchfork to move a truckload of bowling balls.

Mommy, if Billy can't move, then why can I hear him shouting outside?
The big kids got tired of playing baseball in the driveway.

Mommy, why is Billy screaming?
Because Daddy's car is on top of him.

Mommy, why did I hear an awful snapping sound and the end of Billy's screaming?
Because Daddy pulled out to run some errands.

-Duxwing

 

[Proletar]

- Mom! Mom! Can I get a cookie?
- Sure, honey. They are at the top drawer. Take as many as you want.
- But I don't have any arms...
- No arms, no cookies.

 

[jantling]

What do you call a man hit by a hurricane?
-Jimmy Buffet

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
-You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.


-Jantling

 

[QuickTwist]

If you cut a pie in half 4 times how many slices do you get ?... 7.

 

[cheese]

Full approval for this thread

bbl

 

[Latte]

What's the difference between grilled potatoes and pea soup?

You can grill potatoes.

 

[redbaron]

What's white and falls out of a tree?

A refrigerator.

 

[Absurdity]

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Practice.

A Mexican, a black guy, and a gay Irishman walk into a bar. What a well integrated community.

 

[Jennywocky]

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

What's wet and smells like purple paint?
Green paint.

knock knock.
Who's there?
Darlene
Darlene who?
Darlene bursts into tears, as it is clear that her grandfather's Alzheimers has progressed to the point that he can no longer remember her.

Why was six afraid of seven?
it wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of recognizing their own fear.

 

[Latte]

Spoiler

 

[Oedipus]

What cheese should you use to entice a bear out of its cave?

Spoiler

Camembert

Spoiler

Come on, Bear

Spoiler

Fuck you, I think it's funny.

 

[Latte]

http://imgur.com/gallery/tPkz2

 

[QuickTwist]

Whats the worst thing that can happen to a blind man?

Spoiler

He goes deaf

Spoiler

Then looses his sence of smell

Spoiler

then looses his sense of tast

Spoiler

Then becomes a leper

Spoiler

Then lives for 40 more years even though every year his new years resolution is to commit suicide but he never can because he has no arms or legs.

 

[Oedipus]

What cheese is the best kind to hide a horse in?

Spoiler

Mascarpone

 

[Jennywocky]

Whats the worst thing that can happen to a blind man?

Spoiler

He goes deaf

Spoiler

Then looses his sence of smell

Spoiler

then looses his sense of tast

Spoiler

Then becomes a leper

Spoiler

Then lives for 40 more years even though every year his new years resolution is to commit suicide but he never can because he has no arms or legs.

As long as he never loses his ability to spell, he'll make it.

 

[StormCrow]

How do you get an elephant up an apple tree? Sit him on an apple seed and wait.

How do you camouflage an elephant in an apple tree? Paint his balls red.

How did the monkey die? Picking apples.

 

[Peripheral Visionary]

A dog walks into a hardware store.

He approaches the manager and says: "Hey, are you hiring? I'm looking for a job."

The manager looks at him in amazement and says: "I'm not hiring you! Why don't you go join the circus?"

The dog says: "What does the circus need with a carpenter?"

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

What do you call a girl with no arms or legs?

-Peggy

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that's been thrown into a lake?

-Bob

What do you call a girl with one leg?

-Eileen

What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg?

-Irene (yep, it's racist )

What do you call an honest man?

-Frank

What do you call a dishonest man?

-Congressman

What do you call a man with a knife in his back?

-Dirk