Cobra
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- Mar 11, 2009
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WARNING: Incredibly long, and graphic. Do not read, if you have a weak stomach and are an animal lover. Also do not read, if you hate long stories about other people's dreams. This is a doozy.
Last night, my wife turns to me and says, "I want to save aaalll the animals." out of the blue.
Her rabbit of 12 years had to be put down on Saturday, so we've been talking a lot about animals, death, Queen, etc.
So I go to sleep last night, and BAM. Fucked up dream begins.
I got promoted at work, and Kristen subsequently quit her job to stay home with our adorable dog, Wicket. He's the shit. But then she gets this idea to literally "save all the animals." This, in my dream, apparently means to bring home as many animals as possible.
I return from work to find that she has left the house, and in it is a large, adolescent, black pit bull. He's made mulch of my guitar. Curses. I can't find my dog, so I assume he went with Kristen. She comes home from where she says was Pet Smart with an adorable baby giant panda in tow. No Wicket. "What's the deal?" She tells me she "found" him, but I tell her, "No you didn't, Kristen, I just saw the ad in the paper saying that Pet Smart was looking to donate their baby giant panda to any zoo in the area that could handle another panda! You stole him, didn't you?!" She doesn't admit it, but it's true.
So while we're fighting about the animals (insufficient funds, legalities, time constraints, etc.), I'm noticing that these animals are extremely aggressive. "Pitty," as Kristen has named the pit bull, likes to chew EVERYTHING, and he bites. Hard. And he's protective of anything he feels is his, which is everything. Then "Pandy," as Kristen has named the baby giant panda, is a "swiper." He likes to stand on two legs and box and takes swipes with his very sharp panda claws. Ow. Get down! In between his naps, he gallops through the house looking for food. He eats Pitty's food while Pitty tries to bite him and protect it, but Pandy swipes at his nose and puts him in his place. So amidst all this, I say, "And what about Wicket? What's he gonna do when we bring him back from your parents?" (assuming that since he wasn't with her when she got home that he was at her parents down the block). "He's at my parents?'" Fuck...
Where is he? The vent in the bathroom is scratched and clawed open, and deep down inside, barely reachable is my 8 pound Maltese dog shivering, not because it's cold, but from the fear, panting to high hell whilst burning the fuck up because it's so hot in there with the heat on. I can barely even hold onto him long enough to yank him out of there; that's how hot he is. It looks like Pitty actually slashed this open. She left him alone in the house with that thing!
So then we decide to reconcile... After all the fighting we agree that we'll find a home for Pandy and Pitty tomorrow. So we go lay on the couch, and we fall asleep there accidentally, and I wake up the next morning to Pitty growling and barking at Pandy. Pandy is eating all the books from our shelves thinking it's bamboo, or something. My real little bamboo plant has been eaten, all of Pitty's food is gone, and theres puke all over the wood floors. Pandy continues to eat the pages from the books getting sicker and sicker. He looks bloated from eating all the wrong shit. Kristen's not there, and neither is the dog. While I'm cleaning up the mess (trying to avoid getting punched by the panda or eaten by the dog) I go check the vent, and there's Wicket again! I get him out of there. His body's so hot!!!
She comes home again, and this time, I'm totally shocked with her. But before I started exploding, she pulls out a gray tabby and a Boston terrier form her bag; kitten and pup respectively. They're very sick, and they need help, so there's no time to fight. We start helping them get better. They do...
The cat causes no trouble at all. She's adorable. Neither does the pup. They're both fuckin golden, but the fact of the matter is, we can't afford to keep bringing sick, lost, and illegal animals into the house. We argue for a long time again.
She names the cat Pickles and the dog Peppers. We cage them all up, and, exhausted, go to bed. I wake up again the next day, and she's gone AGAIN! This time, Wicket's voice can be heard barking so deep in the vent, that I can't reach him, Pandy's now twice the size he was two days prior and he's eating the curtains and going postal any time I come near, Pitty's barking at NOTHING, just thin air, and Pickles is hiding under the couch. I can't find Peppers anywhere. He's very scared of Pitty, so I didn't know where to look.
Pretty soon, I hear little wimpers coming from my TV area, so I go over to the TV stand, and inside the little glass door, next to my PS2 is Peppers convulsing. I pull him out to find that all but one of his feet have been bitten off by Pitty. The one remaining is hanging by skin! The display is horrifying. I contemplate "putting him out of his misery," something I've discussed many times over with a number of people that would be probably the most terrifying thing to ever have to do to an animal, specifically a youngling. Peppers, now turned on his back in my hands, is howling louder and more murderously than I have ever heard anything yelp before, and this thing is so young it can't even bark just yet! Pitty is nipping, chomping, jumping, and growling like it's some kind of game of keep-away, and like I'm holding a steak in my hands, or something. In my dream, I am crying so intensely, that I can't even breathe because of all the mucous built up in my nose. I am cursing Kristen's name at the top of my lungs for her negligence, and I am completely beside myself with bereavement for this puppy and nervous collapse from everything that is happening all at once...
I wake up, and my whole body is drenched in sweat, and I'm screaming what sounds are capable of coming out of my mouth at 4 in the morning. Kristen wakes up and touches my head until I fall asleep again. I tell her about it today, and she's like totally shocked. She's such a good pet owner and person/animal lover, she'd never do any of those things, but it was all sooo real! I fucking hate dreams, you guys! Screw dreams!
Yeah... Fucked up. Sorry about that. I had to get it out in type before I forgot it all forever.
Last night, my wife turns to me and says, "I want to save aaalll the animals." out of the blue.
Her rabbit of 12 years had to be put down on Saturday, so we've been talking a lot about animals, death, Queen, etc.
So I go to sleep last night, and BAM. Fucked up dream begins.
I got promoted at work, and Kristen subsequently quit her job to stay home with our adorable dog, Wicket. He's the shit. But then she gets this idea to literally "save all the animals." This, in my dream, apparently means to bring home as many animals as possible.
I return from work to find that she has left the house, and in it is a large, adolescent, black pit bull. He's made mulch of my guitar. Curses. I can't find my dog, so I assume he went with Kristen. She comes home from where she says was Pet Smart with an adorable baby giant panda in tow. No Wicket. "What's the deal?" She tells me she "found" him, but I tell her, "No you didn't, Kristen, I just saw the ad in the paper saying that Pet Smart was looking to donate their baby giant panda to any zoo in the area that could handle another panda! You stole him, didn't you?!" She doesn't admit it, but it's true.
So while we're fighting about the animals (insufficient funds, legalities, time constraints, etc.), I'm noticing that these animals are extremely aggressive. "Pitty," as Kristen has named the pit bull, likes to chew EVERYTHING, and he bites. Hard. And he's protective of anything he feels is his, which is everything. Then "Pandy," as Kristen has named the baby giant panda, is a "swiper." He likes to stand on two legs and box and takes swipes with his very sharp panda claws. Ow. Get down! In between his naps, he gallops through the house looking for food. He eats Pitty's food while Pitty tries to bite him and protect it, but Pandy swipes at his nose and puts him in his place. So amidst all this, I say, "And what about Wicket? What's he gonna do when we bring him back from your parents?" (assuming that since he wasn't with her when she got home that he was at her parents down the block). "He's at my parents?'" Fuck...
Where is he? The vent in the bathroom is scratched and clawed open, and deep down inside, barely reachable is my 8 pound Maltese dog shivering, not because it's cold, but from the fear, panting to high hell whilst burning the fuck up because it's so hot in there with the heat on. I can barely even hold onto him long enough to yank him out of there; that's how hot he is. It looks like Pitty actually slashed this open. She left him alone in the house with that thing!
So then we decide to reconcile... After all the fighting we agree that we'll find a home for Pandy and Pitty tomorrow. So we go lay on the couch, and we fall asleep there accidentally, and I wake up the next morning to Pitty growling and barking at Pandy. Pandy is eating all the books from our shelves thinking it's bamboo, or something. My real little bamboo plant has been eaten, all of Pitty's food is gone, and theres puke all over the wood floors. Pandy continues to eat the pages from the books getting sicker and sicker. He looks bloated from eating all the wrong shit. Kristen's not there, and neither is the dog. While I'm cleaning up the mess (trying to avoid getting punched by the panda or eaten by the dog) I go check the vent, and there's Wicket again! I get him out of there. His body's so hot!!!
She comes home again, and this time, I'm totally shocked with her. But before I started exploding, she pulls out a gray tabby and a Boston terrier form her bag; kitten and pup respectively. They're very sick, and they need help, so there's no time to fight. We start helping them get better. They do...
The cat causes no trouble at all. She's adorable. Neither does the pup. They're both fuckin golden, but the fact of the matter is, we can't afford to keep bringing sick, lost, and illegal animals into the house. We argue for a long time again.
She names the cat Pickles and the dog Peppers. We cage them all up, and, exhausted, go to bed. I wake up again the next day, and she's gone AGAIN! This time, Wicket's voice can be heard barking so deep in the vent, that I can't reach him, Pandy's now twice the size he was two days prior and he's eating the curtains and going postal any time I come near, Pitty's barking at NOTHING, just thin air, and Pickles is hiding under the couch. I can't find Peppers anywhere. He's very scared of Pitty, so I didn't know where to look.
Pretty soon, I hear little wimpers coming from my TV area, so I go over to the TV stand, and inside the little glass door, next to my PS2 is Peppers convulsing. I pull him out to find that all but one of his feet have been bitten off by Pitty. The one remaining is hanging by skin! The display is horrifying. I contemplate "putting him out of his misery," something I've discussed many times over with a number of people that would be probably the most terrifying thing to ever have to do to an animal, specifically a youngling. Peppers, now turned on his back in my hands, is howling louder and more murderously than I have ever heard anything yelp before, and this thing is so young it can't even bark just yet! Pitty is nipping, chomping, jumping, and growling like it's some kind of game of keep-away, and like I'm holding a steak in my hands, or something. In my dream, I am crying so intensely, that I can't even breathe because of all the mucous built up in my nose. I am cursing Kristen's name at the top of my lungs for her negligence, and I am completely beside myself with bereavement for this puppy and nervous collapse from everything that is happening all at once...
I wake up, and my whole body is drenched in sweat, and I'm screaming what sounds are capable of coming out of my mouth at 4 in the morning. Kristen wakes up and touches my head until I fall asleep again. I tell her about it today, and she's like totally shocked. She's such a good pet owner and person/animal lover, she'd never do any of those things, but it was all sooo real! I fucking hate dreams, you guys! Screw dreams!
Yeah... Fucked up. Sorry about that. I had to get it out in type before I forgot it all forever.