Confidence

[Staywhatyouare]

I have never been a particularly confident person. In fact you could probably say that most of my life I've been really insecure. Despite being able a generally well liked person, and making friends fairly easily, I've always felt horribly out of place as I'm sure a lot INTP's have at some point. I would always take compliments with a grain of salt, and in general just didn't think much of myself. Recentley however, this has all been changing. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that for the past 6 months or so I've really been studying MBTI as a tool for self improvement. I've embraced my "INTPness" and made great efforts identify my strengths and weaknesses in order to become a better person. This combined with the fact that I just got my first internship, much better than the one I was expecting to do has put me in a very unfamiliar place. All of a sudden not only am I much more sure of myself, and proud of who I am, but I also have a sense of direction career wise and am starting to see opportunities pop up all around me. The difference between where I am mentally now and where I was 6 months ago is just ridiculous

I think the coolest part about this whole confidence thing is that I can clearly see how its effecting my relationships with people, especially girls. To this point (I'm 19 now) my experience with girls has essentially been WAY more drunken hookups than I'd like to admit, coupled with 3 or 4 failed attempts at relationships with girls I actually cared about each of which left me pretty heartbroken. I think this has to do with the fact that when I went out to parties I had no problem attracting the girls with low self esteem and were easy (especially when I was drunk and would start parading around as an ESFJ), but the moment I found a girl that I actually enjoyed being around and had depth, I got so interested and came too strong which made things weird.

But lately I have absolutely no problem flirting with girls at anytime, and I've also realized that when I'm focused on doing things with my own life and don't come of as needy, that's much more attractive to girls.

I think this new found confidence is also kinda throwing my friends off, I've noticed that the past couple of times I've been flirting with girls, they attempt to jokingly make me look bad, or get embarrassed, something I probably would have reacted to 6 months ago. But now I can just kind of brush it off, and I think it pisses them off a bit when they can't get a reaction out of me.

Anyways, I'm rambling now, not sure if there was a specific point to posting this, just what was on my mind. But I would appreciate any thought you guys have, in general how are you guys with confidence, and can you relate to have a drastic increase in short amount of time?

 

[Ermine]

Well, at the very least, congratulations. I've yet to get to that point with relationships, but a small example of increased confidence is how I've stopped pretending to be "normal" and I openly voice my opinions. Where did it start? Debate. I'd reccomend it for any INTP in high school and college. It's worked wonders for both confidence and the ability to voice my thoughts and opinions in a coherent manner that anyone can understand. Now I'm getting shunned by people who don't get or care for me and my personality, and getting more attention and friendship from likeminded people. It's great.

 

[Beat Mango]

Yeah confidence is a big one. I think it comes from "getting out there" and pushing your comfort zone, particularly important for us INTPs in order to get out of our head.

My confidence tends to fluctuate a LOT, I'm sure more than most people; I'll give you an analogy: in rugby league, some teams and players we call "confidence players". When they are confident, they are fantastic and their playing lifts a couple of levels; when they are down on confidence, they are prone to making errors and just playing poorly in general. I am a bit of a "confidence player" in life - if something goes well for me, I can ride that confidence and kind of kick ass. If something goes badly (or more accurately, if a few things go bad in a row, if I start to lose momentum), it can really get to me and I can hardly even talk to people without feeling out of sorts. Seriously, if a girl sends me a nice text I can feel awesome for a whole day, but if I send her one and she doesn't reply, I can easily feel crap (ie opposite of confident) for the rest of the day.

I guess what I'm learning with experience is when to get out there and push my comfort zones, to kind of test the world and see what I'm capable of, and when to pull back. It's "confidence management", I guess, developing those gut instincts so I know more accurately when to charge ahead, when to hold back, and anything in between.

And yeah, you're right man - chicks dig confidence

 

[Staywhatyouare]

Yeah confidence is a big one. I think it comes from "getting out there" and pushing your comfort zone, particularly important for us INTPs in order to get out of our head.

My confidence tends to fluctuate a LOT, I'm sure more than most people; I'll give you an analogy: in rugby league, some teams and players we call "confidence players". When they are confident, they are fantastic and their playing lifts a couple of levels; when they are down on confidence, they are prone to making errors and just playing poorly in general. I am a bit of a "confidence player" in life - if something goes well for me, I can ride that confidence and kind of kick ass. If something goes badly (or more accurately, if a few things go bad in a row, if I start to lose momentum), it can really get to me and I can hardly even talk to people without feeling out of sorts. Seriously, if a girl sends me a nice text I can feel awesome for a whole day, but if I send her one and she doesn't reply, I can easily feel crap (ie opposite of confident) for the rest of the day.

I guess what I'm learning with experience is when to get out there and push my comfort zones, to kind of test the world and see what I'm capable of, and when to pull back. It's "confidence management", I guess, developing those gut instincts so I know more accurately when to charge ahead, when to hold back, and anything in between.

And yeah, you're right man - chicks dig confidence

Hmm yeah, I can definitely relate to that first part. My confidence definitely comes and goes in waves, that example of text messaging has happened to me on way too many occasions. I'll get so excited about getting a text from a girl a like, but if she doesn't respond I start worrying and going through all the things I could have done or said wrong in my head.

I agree that it has a lot do with getting out of you comfort zone. It helps you realize that the worst possible scenario that you're imagining in your head almost never what happens in reality.

 

[Staywhatyouare]

Well, at the very least, congratulations. I've yet to get to that point with relationships, but a small example of increased confidence is how I've stopped pretending to be "normal" and I openly voice my opinions. Where did it start? Debate. I'd reccomend it for any INTP in high school and college. It's worked wonders for both confidence and the ability to voice my thoughts and opinions in a coherent manner that anyone can understand. Now I'm getting shunned by people who don't get or care for me and my personality, and getting more attention and friendship from likeminded people. It's great.

Thanks, it sounds like you're on the right track too. It definitely all starts when you realize there's no point in attempting to be "normal", and just embracing yourself. I feel like its a bit difficult used to at first because people start reacting to you in a different way, but it gets easier as time goes by. And yeah, I feel like I used to always try too hard to make everyone happy ( my t/f split is pretty close...), but know I've really started realize that I don't need to be friends with everyone, and me true friends will like me the way I am. The getting attention from like minded people thing is also huge, because finding a like minded person is rare for us so its very satisfying whenever I meet one.

 

[Dentan]

Staywhatyouare, your story's so similar to mine that for a second the thought of friend of mine doing all this as an elaborate hoax ran through my head. I obviously dismissed it as absurd but I hope my reply conveys how amazed I am after reading what you wrote.

"I think it pisses them off a bit when they can't get a reaction out of me."
That's pissed sooo many people off

 

[Xel]

I think I started to have confidence in myself a bit too late... only as I leave high school can I see what I should have done... should have said. Actions that can never take place now... I regret a lot but I guess I needed that much un-confidence to have confidence now.

 

[Vrecknidj]

I'm in my 40s now, but have clear memories of "once upon a time" when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I've been a teacher since 1989 and I can say that, professionally, my confidence has changed considerably. For the first 5 years or so of teaching, I would fret and be anxious about my classes. I'd spend probably 10 hours a week or more preparing material, just in case some student would have studied really well and had thought of a question I might not otherwise have thought of. I considered it my responsibility as a teacher to be able to answer virtually anything my students could ask (in my field, obviously, not in general).

The upside of that was that I learned far more about my subjects being a teacher than having been a student. The downside was that I ended up spending about five times more time preparing than I really needed to, and wore myself out a bit more than I should have being anxious.

Now, I'm willing to teach classes I've never even taught before. Sometimes a department head will call me to his office and ask if I'd be willing to teach something new and I always say "yes." After 20 years of teaching, I have confidence that I can teach just about anything and I'm comfortable enough with myself and my career that if I can't answer a student's question I just tell the student I don't know and we move on and that's that. It's rather nice, actually.

As regards relationships, I'm probably the luckiest INTP in the world. When I was 20 I happened to sort of stumble into a relationship with the "girl of my dreams." She was (and still is) smart and funny, physically a knockout, has no issues with my interests and has lots of interests of her own (only some of which I have any interest in, and she's totally comfortable with our having only a handful of "things in common"); she's been an unbelievably fantastic wife and mother and has helped push me to be a better husband and father. I didn't have to spend countless weeks and years fretting over whether this or that woman would think this way or that way about me, I didn't ever have to pretend to be someone I wasn't just to try to get girls, etc., etc. (Believe me, I am grateful for my good fortune in this regard, I know how hard this sort of stuff can be for an INTP.) She's an INFP, and it's amazing how different the two can sometimes be depsite all the similarities.

Anyway, that gave me confidence too. It's been crystal clear for all this time that I have in fact been more than "good enough" for someone else (and not just any someone else, but that rare, fantastic someone special). Having someone else think and feel that way about you can really be helpful. INTPs, of course, aren't people who don't feel, we often feel so deeply that pains that others would shrug off can shut us down (interestingly, others sometimes get shut down by the kinds of thoughts that we happily skip through, so, everyone has their own troubles).

Confidence is very, very useful. It can be hard to acquire, especially for the young. And, those who lack it can be absolutely stunned or impressed or confused by those who seem to have an endless supply of it. It can be a problem, some people are over-confident and their confidence does not match their competence and then they get into all kinds of trouble. Or people can be confident but grossly immoral and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. But, if confidence can be gained and tempered with other virtues, it can certainly make for a better life.

Dave

 

[Zero]

Confidence is hard to gain when you can't gauge social situations and can't seem to function like a "normal person". My self confidence comes and goes, it's been better since I've been forced into situations where I have to deal with people and I drink a little. I also found females more difficult to relate too. Relationships are typically difficult for me. I'm into my twenties and still single.... I guess I'm not necessarily unhappy, it's just confidence is something that's kind of (culturally?) connected to other people. Also, I'm somewhat afraid of committing to anything...

Though, I'm sure everyone is saying something about confidence, so may I give you some other advice. Study Carl Jung and his theories. MBTI is only one method that uses Jung's typology theory. There are other systems I like better than MBTI. Jung contributed much more than his trait theory and his idea of archetypes is of great interest to me right now.

 

[Staywhatyouare]

Staywhatyouare, your story's so similar to mine that for a second the thought of friend of mine doing all this as an elaborate hoax ran through my head. I obviously dismissed it as absurd but I hope my reply conveys how amazed I am after reading what you wrote.

"I think it pisses them off a bit when they can't get a reaction out of me."
That's pissed sooo many people off

Haha. Mind if I ask how old you are?

 

[echoplex]

My confidence could easily be described in three words: All or nothing. Blech...I think the problem is that I easily forget how awesome I am. I am awesome, right? Right??? I just don't know anymore! Someone tell me I'm awesome...dammit!

*shakes head*

Nevermind, I'm cool. Awesomeness restored.



For now...

 

[JoeJoe]

ALL INTPS ARE AWESOME!!!

 

[Dentan]

Staywhatyouare, I'm 19

 

[Staywhatyouare]

Staywhatyouare, I'm 19

Heh, same here. College student? How/ when did you hear about MBTI and start applying it to your life?

 

[Agent Intellect]

i'd say the antithesis of confidence is doubt, and i am plagued with uncertainty. i have nearly pathological reservations of not only my own abilities and intelligence, but i also distrust my own memories, beliefs and perceptions. i am not convinced or certain of anything, leaving me in a state of nebulous, isolated limbo, inhabited only with gray areas, dead ends with no known conclusions, obscure notions that its all a delusion, and soul crushing incompleteness.

 

[ntfbfi]

Staywhatyouare and Banana Mango, I can't agree more with what you have said. Is it a INTP thing or it is more an individual thing?

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

Just have confidence that chances are 90% of people you run into are not INTP and would not "get it"(I mean abstract yet logical thought that is very malleable.) It took me years to realize that hardly anybody is on the same page. Just gotta realize that most people may be on page 30 while you might be on page 50 or 500 and they wouldn't understand. Bad analogy, I know. I still don't always have the greatest of confidence but lately I feel like there isn't a thing in the world I can't accomplish if I truly apply myself to it. This also requires an active interest on my part, I just have to work with myself before I even think about trying to compromise to others. All else will fall into place. Hope this random, slightly coherent rambling helps.

 

[citrusbreath95]

I have confidence in my thinking styles as if I know something others don't, in my mind, alone I feel confident about my ideas and opinions, yet once I need to share these ideas to another person, most of the time I am trying to convice myself as much as the other person. Unless, I truly have all information present for this idea/theory in which case, I am pretty confident in my approach. In every day life, I am not too confident, I don't think much of myself to an extent where I would feel comfortable walking on center stage in an extravegant dress, having compliments thrown every way, but not enough to where I can't even speak to anyone. I am mostly confident to people I know very well, and others I am quite timid (if that is a good word for it) In a quick response, I am confident enough to get me through the day... but not to where I have hundreds of friends as I go and speak to everyone.