Brother in law's porn addiction!

[Patricia]

Hi, My brother in law ( INTP ) who is an architect is addicted to porn. My sister found out about it three months ago. She doesn't know how to deal with the situation. He has reached a point where he would choose the addiction over my sister. Will rehabs help in such cases? Our family friend suggested a rehab for porn addiction in Calgary. We don't have any idea how these places work. Are there any suggestions for her to try at home? How do you tackle the situation?

 

[Lot]

As with all addicts, you can't make them change. If he is interested in changing then maybe a rehab will work. I know internet blockers were the best way to keep me from indulging. Although, they usually just made me look for short cuts. Although, if I had a real woman around, I probably wouldn't have bothered finding ways around the blockers. Weird christian morals stuff that I don't bother with anymore.

Your sister has rough road ahead of her. She's going to need to learn how to not take it personally. Ad realistically, how many hours a week is he spending? How many hours a day? At my peak I was clocking 12-15 hours a week. Does he have a lot of free time? Boredom and an internet connection.

My suggestion would be for her to ask him about his porn use, and express how she feels. Find out how much time he's spending n it. See if he thinks it's a problem. If he does and wants to change then he should see a therapist, get some internet blocking programs like K9, and get a some hobbies. If he doesn't then your sister needs to consider if she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

If he is an actual porn addict, then thats not the only thing i his life going wrong. It's just something to fill a void. People use porn for different reasons. Which is why some people abuse it and other don't.

 

[Thurlor]

Sorry to be the one to tell you this but there is no such thing as 'porn addiction'. Maybe he has a compulsion but I wouldn't go so far as to claim addiction.

As far as I know, the research seems to show that so called porn addicts just have a higher libido.

 

[Sir Eus Lee]

What's your reasoning behind "No such thing as a porn addiction"?

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

Generally I doubt porn addiction exists in the conventional understanding of addiction. Seems to be more of a compulsive thought process that results in a certain behavior instead of an addiction to a thing. Seemingly more OCD attributes than anything.

He has reached a point where he would choose the addiction over my sister.

Maybe a bit terse, but... why not both? Like... at the same time, even?

 

[Jennywocky]

Yes, explain in more detail what you mean by "choosing the addiction over my sister." What stipulations were laid down / how did the discussion play out from which that conclusion was derived?

The statement isn't clear, to the degree that his response might have been an unsolicited "I love porn and will continue to do it all the time 24/7 rather than spending any time with you ever again since I'm always doing porn" to "I don't want to give it up completely, so if you make me promise to never ever look at porn again or you'll leave me, I'm not sure I can manage to do that" after she gives him an ultimatum. Or perhaps it was somewhere in-between. That all will impact the advice/solutions offered.

Not sure the semantics of the word "addiction" matter either to be argued over, I think we can agree that the behavior can be obsessive/compulsive in nature depending on the person and so the nature of that will play into a resolution. Is he dissatisfied in any way by his porn use, or is it something he considers to be fine as far as porn goes in general and the time he spends on it?

 

[Yellow]

I agree that more info is needed.

I have noticed though, that a lot of women take their partners watching porn as a sexual slight. Especially if he chooses to watch porn rather than have sex. But there are a lot of reasons a man may do this that has nothing to do with his partner. Erectile dysfunction, fetishism, fantasy, other sexual issues, or simply needing alone time, are all good reasons.

Its true though that sometimes people fall too far down the rabbit hole and develop problems. My brother began watching hentai at about 8 years old, and having aspergers on top of everything caused him a few issues over the years. He was very honest about it. He said that he's tried to cut down or quit, but he had a loss of control over how long or how offen he'd watch it. He said that he'd become preoccupied with it, and that he spent a lot of time and effort in accessing it. That he had to step up to more extreme stuff to be satisfied. He even gave up social and recreational activities in order to spend more time watching it. Substitute porn for drugs and you have symptoms to justify a severe chemical dependence.

Not only that, but the nature of addiction is that it's connected to your sense of pleasure, and it becomes difficult to experience pleasure without it. It also warps your priorities to put the addiction first, and all else second.

So I think it's safe to say that porn addiction is as possible as food addiction and other non-chemical addictions that play off our basic instincts. After all, our brains are more than capable of producing it's own chemicals to support just about any habit.

Anyway, if your brother-in-law's symptoms are along those lines, then I don't know what can be done. As has been said before, addicts can't be cured, only supported in recovery. It's not something that every spouse is willing to go through.

Also, as has been said, happy, healthy people don't just wake up one day resolved to develop an addiction. If the issues that got him to this point aren't resolved (they may have nothing at all to do with sex), then there's a very high chance of relapse.

 

[Jennywocky]

I have noticed though, that a lot of women take their partners watching porn as a sexual slight. Especially if he chooses to watch porn rather than have sex. But there are a lot of reasons a man may do this that has nothing to do with his partner. Erectile dysfunction, fetishism, fantasy, other sexual issues, or simply needing alone time, are all good reasons.

Its true though that sometimes people fall too far down the rabbit hole and develop problems. My brother began watching hentai at about 8 years old, and having aspergers on top of everything caused him a few issues over the years. He was very honest about it. He said that he's tried to cut down or quit, but he had a loss of control over how long or how offen he'd watch it. He said that he'd become preoccupied with it, and that he spent a lot of time and effort in accessing it. That he had to step up to more extreme stuff to be satisfied. He even gave up social and recreational activities in order to spend more time watching it. Substitute porn for drugs and you have symptoms to justify a severe chemical dependence.

Not only that, but the nature of addiction is that it's connected to your sense of pleasure, and it becomes difficult to experience pleasure without it. It also warps your priorities to put the addiction first, and all else second.

So I think it's safe to say that porn addiction is as possible as food addiction and other non-chemical addictions that play off our basic instincts. After all, our brains are more than capable of producing it's own chemicals to support just about any habit.

Anyway, if your brother-in-law's symptoms are along those lines, then I don't know what can be done. As has been said before, addicts can't be cured, only supported in recovery. It's not something that every spouse is willing to go through.

Also, as has been said, happy, healthy people don't just wake up one day resolved to develop an addiction. If the issues that got him to this point aren't resolved (they may have nothing at all to do with sex), then there's a very high chance of relapse.

Yes to the gist of all that (you've explained it very very well), and that we need to understand the underlying issues before being able to offer relevant advice. Her dropping an ultimatum in his lap might have backfired on her, if some of the reason this dependency developed was because of relational issues between the two of them. One has to get to the core issues and resolve those, not necessarily just try to control resulting behavior.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

I think Yellow's post is brilliant

 

[Grayman]

Porn addiction or masturbation addiction? Orgasm equals serotonin a stressed or depressed persons release and maybe one of the few times they feel good.

 

[Patricia]

As with all addicts, you can't make them change. If he is interested in changing then maybe a rehab will work. I know internet blockers were the best way to keep me from indulging. Although, they usually just made me look for short cuts. Although, if I had a real woman around, I probably wouldn't have bothered finding ways around the blockers. Weird christian morals stuff that I don't bother with anymore.

Your sister has rough road ahead of her. She's going to need to learn how to not take it personally. Ad realistically, how many hours a week is he spending? How many hours a day? At my peak I was clocking 12-15 hours a week. Does he have a lot of free time? Boredom and an internet connection.

My suggestion would be for her to ask him about his porn use, and express how she feels. Find out how much time he's spending n it. See if he thinks it's a problem. If he does and wants to change then he should see a therapist, get some internet blocking programs like K9, and get a some hobbies. If he doesn't then your sister needs to consider if she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

If he is an actual porn addict, then thats not the only thing i his life going wrong. It's just something to fill a void. People use porn for different reasons. Which is why some people abuse it and other don't.

Hi, Thanks for replying. The thing is my sister is a nurse and she works shifts ( Mostly night shifts ) So she has no idea, as to how many hours he spend on the computer. My mother thinks that it could be one of the reasons why he chooses porn. May be to fill a void. You are right.

 

[Patricia]

Yes, explain in more detail what you mean by "choosing the addiction over my sister." What stipulations were laid down / how did the discussion play out from which that conclusion was derived?

The statement isn't clear, to the degree that his response might have been an unsolicited "I love porn and will continue to do it all the time 24/7 rather than spending any time with you ever again since I'm always doing porn" to "I don't want to give it up completely, so if you make me promise to never ever look at porn again or you'll leave me, I'm not sure I can manage to do that" after she gives him an ultimatum. Or perhaps it was somewhere in-between. That all will impact the advice/solutions offered.

Not sure the semantics of the word "addiction" matter either to be argued over, I think we can agree that the behavior can be obsessive/compulsive in nature depending on the person and so the nature of that will play into a resolution. Is he dissatisfied in any way by his porn use, or is it something he considers to be fine as far as porn goes in general and the time he spends on it?

Hi, My sister works night shifts, and she had no clue about this until recently. When she found out, she was really shattered. They fought about this all the time. Sometimes it gets so bad, that she would go and stay with our mother. Then my brother in law would apologize to her and convince her that he wouldn't do it again. I guess he tried to stay away from it for a while, and kept his word. However he bounced back pretty quickly, and that time he told her that he doesn't care if my sister leaves him, he would watch it no matter what. I feel that it is a very painful thing to say, specially when my sister loves him deeply. That's why I said he chose his addiction over her.

 

[Sinny91]

Has anyone asked him 'why' ?

That's the missing piece I'd like to know.

What's his justification?

But beyond my curiosity, she's out saving live's and her husbands back at home thinking the grass is greener on a fekking computer screen, he'd have no bollox left by the time I was done with him

 

[The Gopher]

So you don't know how many hours he spends (aka don't know if it's an addiction) and you don't know why he does it. Not to parrot everyone else but it seems you know almost nothing and you need help knowing how to fix what you hardly know.

It's like walking up to a mechanic saying "something's wrong with my car but I don't know if it's my engine or my headlights" actually that seems like a feasible conversation...

Information is the key to everything, the way you get information is not by fighting. Also for us to help you we need to understand the key values of your sister. Is any Porn okay in your sisters view? If so why/why not. How does he view it? Is it like watching TV/playing sports to him? If someone was to ban TV or sports while I was in a relationship with them I probably would choice a relationship with someone less controlling. Now I'm not saying Porn should necessarily be like watching shows or playing a sport. However I'm saying this could be his mindset. INTP's are very independent people and saying "This is banned" is not always the best way to do things.

See without reasons I could probably list a hundred or more reasons for what or why is happening. Thousands if I was to be semantic and list the alternatives for if he is or is not addicted, for if your sister is or is not overreacting.

It is possible, with all the information given. That he works during the day, she works during the night. Due to this they spend less time together, creating a void. He then fills that void with pornography. It could be he does it in a normal "healthy" manner. It could be he is addicted. It could be that your sister is religious and thus reacts stronger to it. The reason I think the last statement is despite not knowing any of the circumstances it's "an addiction". If I was to play soccer fairly often it wouldn't be considered an addiction. Now yes it doesn't relate but I'm trying to use examples to put things in perspective since due to the lack of information it seems you don't have any. If you had this information then sure you might be right and it could be an addiction or if you are both religious then yes it could be a problem morally for you, and that's fine.

However the important thing is to work out what's happening, your morals or feelings regarding it, why it's happening, repeat step two, then what you can do or not do about it.

 

[Jennywocky]

Hi, My sister works night shifts, and she had no clue about this until recently. When she found out, she was really shattered. They fought about this all the time. Sometimes it gets so bad, that she would go and stay with our mother. Then my brother in law would apologize to her and convince her that he wouldn't do it again. I guess he tried to stay away from it for a while, and kept his word. However he bounced back pretty quickly, and that time he told her that he doesn't care if my sister leaves him, he would watch it no matter what. I feel that it is a very painful thing to say, specially when my sister loves him deeply. That's why I said he chose his addiction over her.

I know that your sister is likely honing in on a few key phrases by him + feelings of betrayal. But when I read this, I read it as (1) he's having trouble controlling it, (2) he's sick of the arguing and emotions, (3) he might be feeling shame and embarrassment over it, and (4) doesn't like feeling controlled. I'm not assigning a moral value to anyone's behavior, it's just that I can imagine him sayin, "fine, just leave."

 

[YOLOisonlyprinciple]

I dont see how porn addiction can be a thing, atleast for men; i dont think it is not easy to cum more than 3 times in a night, so the max amount of time spent on porn would generally be 3 hrs~ i guess.
Its not like drinking and stuff where you can do it as much as you want :/
Maybe your sis is just feelin insecure

 

[dark+matters]

I think Yellow's post is brilliant

Yellow's posts are always brilliant! I don't know how she does it.

 

[Fukyo]

Why does this thread make me think it's an elaborate ad for a addiction treating center?

 

[Sinny91]

Why does this thread make me think it's an elaborate ad for a addiction treating center?

Oh yea, haha, I didnt open the link till just.

 

[Lot]

I dont see how porn addiction can be a thing, atleast for men; i dont think it is not easy to cum more than 3 times in a night, so the max amount of time spent on porn would generally be 3 hrs~ i guess.
Its not like drinking and stuff where you can do it as much as you want :/
Maybe your sis is just feelin insecure

Speak for yourself. Only three times a night. hahahaha

 

[Yellow]

Speak for yourself. Only three times a night. hahahaha

So... I have a friend who wants to know if you're single. You know, she's just curious and all, it's no biggie.. unless it is.. not that.. it's.. okay, yeah. Anyway, just wondering. She's just wondering, I mean... Hi.

 

[The Gopher]

Well if you want to sign up for my dating service I could totally arrange this for your "Friend".

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

lol... Lot has... ahem... legit porn star potential.

There's a reason he never forgets to bring a towel.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

Daily rate $425 with a minimum deposit of $15,000 upon admission, another $2,400 for a family member to participate in a 6 day program, and $28,000 if you're not Canadian, not including fees for extended care or aftercare. No wonder we have so many addicts.

Does your family friend... own the place?

 

[Grayman]

http://centerforhealthysex.com/faq/masturbation-addiction-faq

everyone seems to confuse the two. Masturbation vs Porn addiction. It is an important distinction in order to determine the source of the issue.

 

[The Gopher]

Daily rate $425 with a minimum deposit of $15,000 upon admission, another $2,400 for a family member to participate in a 6 day program, and $28,000 if you're not Canadian, not including fees for extended care or aftercare. No wonder we have so many addicts.

Does your family friend... own the place?

Hahah I just clicked on the link. The jokes seem so obvious.

Also if he really does have an issue I charge $30 each session first one is free.

 

[YOLOisonlyprinciple]

Speak for yourself. Only three times a night. hahahaha

I think ive done 4 once, but more than 2-3 starts becoming 'unfun' and you feel someone is sucking the life-blood out of you

[bimgx=250]http://temp_thoughts_resize.s3.amazonaws.com/0b/2eee612d73e69cd73e6058837241e1/slide_308644_2701192_free.jpg[/bimgx]

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

Pics or it didn't happen.

*watches thread devolve further*

(This is the best trial by fire thread we've had in a while...)

 

[RaBind]

I think ive done 4 once, but more than 2-3 starts becoming 'unfun' and you feel someone is sucking the life-blood out of you

[bimgx=250]http://temp_thoughts_resize.s3.amazonaws.com/0b/2eee612d73e69cd73e6058837241e1/slide_308644_2701192_free.jpg[/bimgx]

Except its not someone its just you and your hand

Edit: I didn't realise your avatar is relevant.

 

[YOLOisonlyprinciple]

Edit: I didn't realise your avatar is relevant.

LOOLLLL.....
the avatar isnt what you think it is ...
its a girl who falls into a coma and magically transforms into her crush's hand...

 

[Yellow]

^^ I didn't realize it was depicting a built-in fleshlight, I thought it was just a dude tossing his baby/toddler around.

 

[YOLOisonlyprinciple]

^^ I didn't realize it was depicting a built-in fleshlight, I thought it was just a dude tossing his baby/toddler around.

No no no...
you all got it wrong, it isnt what it seems
its from 'midori days'

and why would someone throw their baby that way

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

^^ I didn't realize it was depicting a built-in fleshlight

hehe....

Spoiler

YOLO!!!

 

[Thurlor]

Hi, My sister works night shifts, and she had no clue about this until recently. When she found out, she was really shattered. They fought about this all the time. Sometimes it gets so bad, that she would go and stay with our mother. Then my brother in law would apologize to her and convince her that he wouldn't do it again. I guess he tried to stay away from it for a while, and kept his word. However he bounced back pretty quickly, and that time he told her that he doesn't care if my sister leaves him, he would watch it no matter what. I feel that it is a very painful thing to say, specially when my sister loves him deeply. That's why I said he chose his addiction over her.

It seems that both you and your sister are quite judgmental in regards to porn. Why must this be an issue solely about him choosing porn over your sister? It could be said just as easily that your sister is so hung up on porn that she would rather a life without it rather than a life with it and a partner. Maybe he felt it was a painful thing to be given an ultimatum over something so meaningless.

 

[Reluctantly]

You should probably ask him what he gets out of it that he doesn't get from your sister. Because that's the bottom line. Then all the cards will be on the table at least.

 

[Yellow]

and why would someone throw their baby that way

Well it is clearly anime, so perhaps the baby could fly? I dunno.

 

[Lot]

Sorry for contributing to a thread derail.

So... I have a friend who wants to know if you're single. You know, she's just curious and all, it's no biggie.. unless it is.. not that.. it's.. okay, yeah. Anyway, just wondering. She's just wondering, I mean... Hi.

How you doin?

lol... Lot has... ahem... legit porn star potential.

There's a reason he never forgets to bring a towel.

Oh you. Stop it. You have my contact info

I think ive done 4 once, but more than 2-3 starts becoming 'unfun' and you feel someone is sucking the life-blood out of you

It's all good. I feel wear and tear when I over do it too. I played Corruption of Champions for probably 12 hours in one day. I went 10 rounds with my self. I was shocked I wasn't shooting clouds of dust. (Not bragging. I have no life. Nothing to brag about here)

 

[RaBind]

I played Corruption of Champions

Good game, I still want a sfw version so that I can play it when im not in the mood too. Have you played Jack-o-nine-tails?

 

[Grayman]

You should probably ask him what he gets out of it that he doesn't get from your sister. Because that's the bottom line. Then all the cards will be on the table at least.

variety

 

[TBerg]

If it at all bothers her now, it will get worse with time. My mom has been married to my alcoholic dad for decades, and the pain becomes more raw with each abrasion. People are defined by their diseases. People are frequently incapable of even the most basic courtesies in so many "loving" relationships, it seems.