Black Rose
An unbreakable bond
@nanook
I think you are right. I do feel superior at times. I think it is because I feel the need for control. I feel like I need to take control because otherwise people who I think are wrong will take control and that is bad because it means I get hurt by them. People who are wrong and in control have hurt me in the past. People who are wrong and in control damaged and ruin everything for others and for me. I can't help think that everytime I encounter a person that is not understanding that more damage will happen to me. I am abandoned. I deal with it by repression. I deal with it by looking at everything that is unfair and why it is wrong. I do have problems with empathy in real time. Because I can't tell people what I think because then they will hate me. I can't express my feeling either. I can't get angry, I can't cry, I can't be open with anyone. My life revolves around rejection. It does matter if someone is wrong but of negative consequences. It matters if I can do something about correcting misunderstandings because I think I am the only responsible person in most situations. It could be I have a superiority complex but would that be because I don't see others as responsible adults that know what the right thing to do is? Responsible adults don't exist so I have to solve everything myself. People act like there are no consequences. I don't know what to do most of the time so I do nothing. I don't say anything around the wrong people. Everything I say could end up hurting me. But around the people who matter, the people that I am forced to be around, I had to say nothing and I had to do nothing or else: "consequences". I wish my mom was and adult, she told me today she reads the bible but can't understand it. She can't understand but she likes animals and pets and singing songs. Literally she is like a child and she never talked to me and no one ever talked to me or asked what I was doing. She took us to bible camp and I was serious about trying to understand. I want to understand stuff and she does not care. She just wants to be in heaven and sing songs and play with animals. She doesn't know anything about what I am interested in, I ask "do you understand" and she says "no" but in a cute innocent way. She said we were rotten children when we misbehaved. My aunt gets loans because she doesn't understand we are poor and can't afford expensive items. She thinks money grows on trees. When I thought the economy would collapse in 2009 I told her she should buy gold with her retirement money. She took the $30,000 from her teacher pension and bought random things and the money was all gone in 30 days. It was all gone. And later she got loans because we had no food. Life really sucks and it is because people don't want to understand anything about real life. They think they we will go to heaven when Jesus returns and all problems will be solved. Every time things get bad my mom says please Jesus come back. They don't care. They are children. They are 59 and 69. I am the only adult and I don't know what to do about them. Jesus won't solve their problems and they don't believe me.
I think you are right. I do feel superior at times. I think it is because I feel the need for control. I feel like I need to take control because otherwise people who I think are wrong will take control and that is bad because it means I get hurt by them. People who are wrong and in control have hurt me in the past. People who are wrong and in control damaged and ruin everything for others and for me. I can't help think that everytime I encounter a person that is not understanding that more damage will happen to me. I am abandoned. I deal with it by repression. I deal with it by looking at everything that is unfair and why it is wrong. I do have problems with empathy in real time. Because I can't tell people what I think because then they will hate me. I can't express my feeling either. I can't get angry, I can't cry, I can't be open with anyone. My life revolves around rejection. It does matter if someone is wrong but of negative consequences. It matters if I can do something about correcting misunderstandings because I think I am the only responsible person in most situations. It could be I have a superiority complex but would that be because I don't see others as responsible adults that know what the right thing to do is? Responsible adults don't exist so I have to solve everything myself. People act like there are no consequences. I don't know what to do most of the time so I do nothing. I don't say anything around the wrong people. Everything I say could end up hurting me. But around the people who matter, the people that I am forced to be around, I had to say nothing and I had to do nothing or else: "consequences". I wish my mom was and adult, she told me today she reads the bible but can't understand it. She can't understand but she likes animals and pets and singing songs. Literally she is like a child and she never talked to me and no one ever talked to me or asked what I was doing. She took us to bible camp and I was serious about trying to understand. I want to understand stuff and she does not care. She just wants to be in heaven and sing songs and play with animals. She doesn't know anything about what I am interested in, I ask "do you understand" and she says "no" but in a cute innocent way. She said we were rotten children when we misbehaved. My aunt gets loans because she doesn't understand we are poor and can't afford expensive items. She thinks money grows on trees. When I thought the economy would collapse in 2009 I told her she should buy gold with her retirement money. She took the $30,000 from her teacher pension and bought random things and the money was all gone in 30 days. It was all gone. And later she got loans because we had no food. Life really sucks and it is because people don't want to understand anything about real life. They think they we will go to heaven when Jesus returns and all problems will be solved. Every time things get bad my mom says please Jesus come back. They don't care. They are children. They are 59 and 69. I am the only adult and I don't know what to do about them. Jesus won't solve their problems and they don't believe me.