Being friends with an INTP

[Architect]

New article

Being friends with an INTP

The INTP’s mind is always buzzing with ideas, riddles and solutions – in contrast, communicating with other people is often more a nuisance than a pleasure for an INTP. Consequently, INTPs tend to be very picky when it comes to choosing friends ...

Many personality types seek friends for chatting, emotional support, social validation etc. INTPs tend to dismiss these things as trivial and this naturally restricts the pool of potential friends. ... That being said, INTPs will value and respect their friends greatly, and work hard to keep these relationships strong.

INTPs friends are unlikely to be very warm or emotionally supportive – if you are having some issues, the INTP will easily come up with several rational solutions, but do not expect them to understand your feelings or know how to explain something that is more emotional than logical.

 

[Code_Name_Ozz]

This is why the INTP has more accquaintances than friends. As an INTP, friendship carries very little value. It's easier to exchange light and quick banter with an accaquaintance. As soon as the conversation is over, you can move on with your day. Friendships become dramatic and complicated. Furthermore as an INTP, the need for support; emotional or otherwise carries very little relevance. In short, friendships more often than not are pointless for an INTP.

At least, this has been my personal experience.

 

[Trebuchet]

For me, friendships aren't pointless, but rather infinitely valuable.

I put a lot of effort into maintaining my friendships, which are few but wonderful. INTPs are very loyal friends. We just don't enter into it casually. I think that is why we have more acquaintances than friends.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Exactly, Treb. Friendship, for us, requires respect and trust, which are both things which need to be earned. More than that, we need to be otherwise compatible, too. A friend is there through thick and thin, and anyone who isn't is obviously not a friend. It's simply that we have high standards for friendship, and specific tastes which would make it less likely to socialize and discover similarities in others in the first place. It's not that friendship has little value, it's that it takes a lot of coincidence and luck to happen in the first place.

Due to requiring such similarity (and we Ts like competence and such) and trust and respect, once we do find a friendship, we value it very highly.

 

[Etheri]

I need both friends, accaquaintance and something in between. I dont know, I just feel I have diffrent softs of friends, for diffrent purposes. I won't say I have truly many, but for an INTP, I feel I do? Question is howmany of those truly know 'me'. It just depends on how you see it all, I guess.

 

[Grove]

In my experience:

INTP personalities are likely to be very knowledgeable, intelligent friends, but they are notoriously difficult to get to know, and few people have the patience and determination to get through their shields.

True; in a general sense, although this has less to do with the “patience and determination” of the individuals, and more to do with the personalities involved (and I don’t mean type, necessarily). I’m kinda weird about this sort of thing--I have a constant internal battle over wanting to be known by people, but am set slightly off kilter when I realize that someone does know me well…or more accurately can predict my reaction or explain my thought process to me w/o me having to tell them first.

This is even more “unsettling” if I don’t know the person well or if I haven’t known them very long. I've had friends for 20-30 years that I still need to explain myself to; and have known people for a matter of hours that can explain me to myself. That may stem from all of my immediate family members being Ts, and mostly INTs and expecting to need to repeat consistent facts about myself to them. Like, “I’m your child, why is it hard to remember what I’m allergic to?”

The INTP’s mind is always buzzing with ideas, riddles and solutions – in contrast, communicating with other people is often more a nuisance than a pleasure for an INTP.

False. I am able to & often do take great pleasure in communicating with others, especially with people I know well or feel (yeah, feel) a special connection towards. Granted, I’m not always ready to go when they are, but it isn’t often that I consider anyone a nuisance (except for my younger brother…but that’s expected). If that happens frequently with an individual they probably already aren’t a close friend. If the annoyance is combined with contempt or resentment, we won’t have a relationship for long. I don’t maintain superficial or abusive relationships.

Bearing this in mind, it is not surprising that INTPs are likely to have a very small circle of good friends. Many personality types seek friends for chatting, emotional support, social validation etc. INTPs tend to dismiss these things as trivial and this naturally restricts the pool of potential friends. People with the INTP personality type are bound to gravitate towards other NT types, who share their passion for theoretical discussions and intellectual riddles. That being said, INTPs will value and respect their friends greatly, and work hard to keep these relationships strong.

True, although N is more of a common denominator than T or the NT combination. T is a close second though.

INTPs friends are unlikely to be very warm or emotionally supportive – if you are having some issues, the INTP will easily come up with several rational solutions, but do not expect them to understand your feelings or know how to explain something that is more emotional than logical. This does not mean that INTP friends have no feelings and should only be seen as walking encyclopedias – quite the contrary, INTP personalities may have very strong sentiments, but they are likely to be hidden from plain sight. Still waters run deep.

Meh, “warm” is somewhat subjective. I’m not the friend that will hug you and tell you all the fuzzy nice things you may want to hear. But, I am the friend who will warm you up a bowl of homemade soup, hand you a blanket, and plop down on the couch to talk through whatever is going on. If that isn’t “warm” then y’all can just fuck off.

INTP friendships are likely to be unambiguous, strong and straightforward, free from power games and emotional baggage. INTPs reward their friends’ loyalty and understanding with thought-stimulating ideas, sound advice and reliability – it is not easy to become an INTP’s friend, but if you are inclined to try, you will likely find that such a relationship is worth the effort.

True; I don’t build friendships to gain political or social capital, or for one-sided emotional or even intellectual support. If I find someone has befriended me with those goals in mind, I end the relationship. Also, I’m often told that I should charge for counseling services rendered. I’ve taken that under consideration.

 

[SLushhYYY]

Im a pretty friendly person in my humble opinion. However, many may view me as dark or cold as I do not care for small talk, and try to avoid unimportant discussions with acquaintances. Although I find mindless discussion with close friends relaxing. Its a matter of comfort, and its a matter of dealing with a preferred personality. Many acquaintances can not ever become a friend because they can not understand different thought processes, just as I can not understand them. The lack of understanding, more than usually, causes an awkwardness from both parties, which neither individual cares to make an effort to understand.

I also do not care for having friendships which come with other mutual friendships. A friend is somebody I can hangout with 1 on 1 and has an open mind to different perspectives on life, and not judging of the thought. Debate is allowable, but saying im wrong during a debate that has no ultimate answer is very annoying, I do not care for those people.

 

[snafupants]

it is not easy to become an INTP’s friend, but if you are inclined to try, you will likely find that such a relationship is worth the effort.

That was the most chaste endorsement ever.

Yeah, climbing Mount Everest is pretty hard, and it might not be worth it.

Anyway, I'd say I'm a terrible friend - unreliable, intellectualizing, withdrawn, negative and mocking. I certainly have some less suicidal qualities but those qualities are more suited for eccentric neighbor or interesting cohort.

Relationships with low expectations are more my thing. I'm like an inconsistent clock.

 

[pjoa09]

That was the most chaste endorsement ever.

Yeah, climbing Mount Everest is pretty hard, and it might not be worth it.

Anyway, I'd say I'm a terrible friend - unreliable, intellectualizing, withdrawn, negative and mocking. I certainly have some less suicidal qualities but those qualities are more suited for eccentric neighbor or interesting cohort.

Relationships with low expectations are more my thing. I'm like an inconsistent clock.

When you work hard for it, it is always worth the effort. Because if it wasn't, you'd feel like a fucking idiot. :P

Depends if they share interests. Often I kinda find their topics a bit boring and I space out.

 

[Twn]

Friends. For me it is easier to confide in distant family members than friends.

Over the past two years ive dumped all of my friends that dont understand me; the only friends I have are INTJs and one other INTP. Sad, I know.

The last friend I dumped said some things that rubbed me the wrong way, and when I confronted her about it she just said "well, you never told me you had a problem with it; you never told me about your history" and I just replied with: You didnt ask.

I dont get emotional about anything, but blatant disrespect will always warrant a serious conversation in any friendship of mine; I knew I could not have someone in my life that would speak so low of something in my life without even asking why my opinions are so fixed in that area. She never asked why I was opposed to the idea in question.

That last paragraph is exactly why I dont/cant keep many friends. I need someone that thinks first, asks questions second, and speaks their mind third.

 

[Architect]

I've found that my friendship life can best be described as that I have a particular degree of sociability that needs fulfilling which I should not exceed. That level is much lower than for other people, even including many introverted types. This index was higher when I was young, and has slowly declined with time.

For example, I grew up in an all Sensor family which (like it or not) provided a lot of sociability, and I only needed a friend or two outside of that until High School. There, I got a core group of three other friends (Sensors unfortunately, so hard to find other Intuitives). Eventually I fell out with the group (got tired of the endless smalltalk and stupid jokes), and especially once I found a girlfriend/eventual wife (another intuitive) that pretty much filled the need. Now, between the family and work I have more sociability than I want, I have to take time off by myself on the weekend to sort my thoughts out. I have two friends from work that I see on a regular basis (at work). That's enough.

Yeah I find that constantly having to be sociable begins to wear on me after a few weeks. And social networking? My god what a horror show.

 

[yogurtexpress]

I like having friends and I often wish I had more, but my criteria is difficult for a lot of people to meet (the person usually needs to be intelligent, creative and anti-status quo in order for me to sustain a long-lasting friendship with them). And then there's the fact that I'm probably not the most desirable friend for most people anyhow.

 

[Vict]

Some kindness in spite of their rudeness, and serious consideration of their theories and postulations.

 

[MissQuote]

For the past few years I have very purposefully not made any new friends. At least I haven't met any new people that I would categorize as "friend", who knows , maybe some of the people I have met consider me a friend by their definition. I haven't let anyone new, in real life, inside (I suppose you could say).

In recent months I have been feeling, and then talking myself into 'thinking' wise, like it is time to branch out a bit and find someone new to become friends with, sort of because -is it rotten of me to say this?- the people I am close with are not providing anything new. Sure, they may have new information to discuss, but it is generally predictable what areas it will be on and what interests it will surround.

Also, the friends I have aren't really available much anymore.

I have no clue how to go about finding new people to potentially be worth the bother to really open up to. Or, alternatively, I have no clue how to talk myself into the idea that it is okay to let people know me for real without the fact that they know me meaning we are bound to each other because of it if it turns out they are toxic for me (or I am toxic for them *gasp*).

I've actually only bonded with three people on a deep friendship level in the past decade, and one of them is deceased. And one other we were getting there, then she passed away as well. I think I need to find someone or two new to add to that list but, jesus, how?

Also, what is with this? On the INTP personality section of the site linked to in the OP, it mentions “immersion”, “survival” and “resurfacing” but then only explains what is meant by the first two.

Is that just to fuck with INTP's who might notice? !!!!

When it comes to interpersonal relations, INTP personalities see three distinct phases: figuratively speaking, “immersion”, “survival” and “resurfacing”. These phases reflect the logic of an INTP and their love for patterns. When getting into a new relationship, INTPs can lose their rational and dispassionate thinking for a very long time (a year or even more), “immersing” themselves in the new unknown world. If an INTP falls in love, it is extremely powerful – it is all or nothing. It is very likely that this phase will see the INTP become very ardent, even playful and careless – they will not attempt to control or analyse the relationship, but instead try to enjoy and experience the new feelings to the fullest. The INTP will be prepared to do many things and bend many rules to be with their loved one, no matter how difficult that might be.

Once the relationship shifts to the “survival” phase, the INTP personality is likely to start paying more attention to its type and structure. The INTP will also retreat a bit, mainly because they are simply returning to their natural, slightly reclusive state. It is also worth to note that INTP personalities deeply value their commitments to the partner, but are unlikely to discuss such topics with other people for a very simple reason – commitments of this nature seem perfectly logical and natural to an INTP.

 

[MissQuote]

Or is it leaving something open in that little theory to be mulled around and concluded upon?

 

[Smooch]

God I have missed this forum. I no longer feel bad for being selective about my friendships and my need for much alone time.

 

[yogurtexpress]

I still feel like everyone should have a group of people they do something completely mindless with (ie, going out to eat, drinking, bowling, etc.) But I admit that even when I had this it drained the living hell out of me.

 

[Tony3d]

I still feel like everyone should have a group of people they do something completely mindless with (ie, going out to eat, drinking, bowling, etc.) But I admit that even when I had this it drained the living hell out of me.

I would be perfectly happy spending 5 nights a week alone where I can think and get work done, but 2 nights a week, it would be nice to have someone to talk to.

I think that is about the balance that works best for my level of introversion vs extroversion. I assume it would be different for more introverted INTPs.

Being without social contact would drive me crazy, but being around people all the time, especially large groups, would quickly destroy me.

 

[Kdosi]

I for myself have only three real friends, well four, if my brother counts. And by real friends I mean those ones who could be sure that I am always keeping tabs on what is going on in their life (which, however, doesn´t necessarily mean I am going to interfere), who have a pretty good idea about the creature in my skin, whom I might occasionally ask for advice (especially about emotional things) and who could be pretty sure that were they ever in need of something I could provide I had it probably already prepared and if not, all they have to do is ask for it. I know them eight, ten and five years and in each case it took from 6 to 14 months to gather enough information and decide that they are friends worthy my trust (my brother, of course, I have known for whole his life and I have had a probably unhealthy amount of influence on his upbringing).

Then they are people, friends worthy my time. Those are the people I could go to a party for a few hours, were my real friends unavailiable, who are clever, have interesting opinions and hobbies and generally are allowed a glimpse of who I might be now and then so that I can asses their possible promotion to the group above. I have about ten such people in my life.

Aquaintances are people whose society I have to endure and am able to endure for a few hours, sometimes even have an interesting talk with them (after they stopped the small talk).

 

[doncarlzone]

I have four real friends and two of them are not even based in the same country as me. I remember just having a lot of acquaintances and that was probably the worst time of my life.

I was working abroad a few months ago and ended up sharing an apartment with someone who turned out to be an INTJ. We had a really good time and I remember saying to my friends that it's a shame I never meet people like that. The response from one of my friends was: "Of course you meet people like that, you just never get to realize it." Which is probably true, in fact, I didn't like any of my closest friends when I first met them, and they all thought that I was a weirdo too.

Guess there is a lot of truth to that article.

 

[Tony3d]

I hated my best friend for a good portion of the first year I knew her. Now she is almost like a sister to me, still totally annoying to me at times, but I totally trust her.

 

[Fghw]

I have friends from every social situation ive been in, but I speak to none of them unless circumstance demands it.

 

[Flawed_Ravvn]

I think friendships are important, I think its interesting to see what other people are like and to even try to guess what personality type they have. For me, a true friend needs to be loyal and trustworthy, if I tell you something that's kind of personal then I expect you to keep it to yourself. Also, trust and loyalty needs to be earned, I'm not gonna give it to you unless you can prove it to me that I can trust you with it.

 

[StevenM]

I find I can get along with people who are also intuitive, or thinkers. It can be difficult understanding sensors or feelers at times, but I guess it is possible to find a common ground.

Like many, I only have a few friends as well, and usually they don't last too long. It's either I get critical and accidently say things that others are sensitive about, or someone rubs me the wrong way. In my current friendship, I am battling someone who can tend to be very manipulative, particularly playing with guilt trips. I took a stand, and stopped the behaviour from influencing me, and it resulted in my friend getting very upset, and trying to guilt trip me more.

I've learned that there will always be quirks and vices in everybody, and it's just about being able to manage yourself and accepting the personality of your friends. Weigh in the pro's and con's, and decide whether you've got a keeper, or not. I find it difficult as well.

 

[Hawkeye]

I have a very small group of close friends who now live hundreds and thousands of miles away from me.

What amazes me is every time we meet up it's like we've never been away from each other.

 

[HAL9000]

I feel that loads of people 'like' me, but they aren't friends with me. And I think that's brilliant. I have a couple of great friends in my flat on campus at uni, but our friendship only works because one of the guys is a definite INTJ and the other is.. hmmm.. ESTP, ESTJ, ENTJ, somethng like that... so emotional support is something we simply WILL NOT do, and its fantastic. We have a great time together and really click, and not once in this whole year have we had any soppy moments. I'll miss those guys...

Aside from my flatmates, I have about five other friends, all of whom I don't necessarily care for seeing at all. And aside from those other friends, I have a shitload of acquaintances who may or may not see me as a friend but I don't care about them much at all to be honest.

Wise saying an ex-colleague told me: You can count your true friends in life on one hand.

 

[Steven Gerrard]

How much do you INTP's enjoy drinking at parties/bars?

When I drink I love everyone- many of those people I might feel a little uncomfortable around usually.

 

[HAL9000]

How much do you INTP's enjoy drinking at parties/bars?

When I drink I love everyone- many of those people I might feel a little uncomfortable around usually.

Possibly a cultural factor but I drink myself to oblivion at most social events. I'm the same 'me' but of course more drunk, and the main thing that happens is I'm not at all anxious about any kind of social fear, unlike when I'm sober and I just can't be bothered to talk and think socialising is a complete waste of time and often feel nervous about doing it.

I think I get drunk because then it feels like I'm 'doing something'.

Are you guys similar in that you can't justify doing anything at all unless you tell yourself it has a purpose? Particularly with social situations. I hate just 'chilling out' with people unless there is an activity being done. I think that's why I always get myself drunk - because I would feel like I was utterly wasting my time if I didn't. It's like all my actions in the outside world must have a reason.

 

[someoneshady]

Are you guys similar in that you can't justify doing anything at all unless you tell yourself it has a purpose? Particularly with social situations. I hate just 'chilling out' with people unless there is an activity being done. I think that's why I always get myself drunk - because I would feel like I was utterly wasting my time if I didn't. It's like all my actions in the outside world must have a reason.

I do drink at social gatherings/party's occasionally. The main reason I drink is to 'loosen up'. I enjoy talking with people when I'm drinking. When I'm sober i just stand around at the side of the room talking to the people I already know.

In general, I don't need a purpose to hang out with people. Whether i want to go or not depends solely on who are there. I do need a purpose when the people I will meet there are complete strangers.

 

[Pyropyro]

How much do you INTP's enjoy drinking at parties/bars?

When I drink I love everyone- many of those people I might feel a little uncomfortable around usually.

I don't enjoy drinking. I can be comfortable with people if there are familiar faces around OR if I've done my homework beforehand and now who I will be dealing with.

 

[peoplesuck]

I dont understand relationships, whats the point? people tend to be annoying and get in the way. I guess you just have to find someone who clicks with you.

 

[Grayman]

I guess you just have to find someone who clicks with you.

Unless you mean playing video games, there is little chance of that. No one clicks they only think they do until they realize they really are much more different than they chose to believe.

Perhaps some click when there is one who is willing to give up their individuality in pursuit of the ideology called clickingism.