@just geroge
You're definitely right about the thinking paralysis, I'm just not sure how to fix it exactly. I get told I overthink things all the time. It's not as if I can just not think about it. I mean, I suppose I could train myself to try and do that, but inevitably I'd probably think about not thinking about it, causing me to think about it lol. As for the rest of what you said, that was solid advice, thank you. See, I would argue my problem is I'm not thinking about it enough! I don't know why I would ever assume there's an inherent awkwardness of establishing a friendly "hello" or eye contact. The problems arise when I instantly divert my focus to the negatives instead of the positives; in other words, under-think it.
@Pinion
Sounds pretty spot on, although I believe point 2 is the cause of point 1. I'm hesitant to make assumptions over my own psychological state because of all the subconscious bias's, lack of medical degrees and whatnot, but as far as I can, tell my childhood insecurities seem to be a driving force.
@BigApplePi
My natural reaction is to turn away when eye contact is established or if I believe it's about to happen, so that could be the first thing I should fix. Going off of that, I don't actually know if they noticed eye contact or not so I just sit there and wonder "hmm.. am I coming off weird by not saying something, do they think I don't like them, are they just being shy themselves?". The avoidance is a defense mechanism so I don't even have to bother answering these questions at the cost of an unpleasant (perceived) awkwardness.
For friends, your analogy of two other people is actually what's tripping me up. The more I've looked into the dynamics of other friendships, the more I realize how shaky they are. It's just like a compilation of strange encounters and communication. I can't do that. If I think anything in a friendship is off, I over-think it. And at this point "don't over-think it" is simply not possible, it's who I am. So the question becomes, do I need to train myself to think/act in a certain manner or is it okay for me to simply limit my friends to those who are exceptionally alike.
It's funny that you mention the whole "don't fear failure" thing, because I'm probably one of the biggest advocates of the whole concept: failure is unavoidable and not a reason to not do something. The thing is, I assess everything on a case-by-case basis. And in each scenario, I actually am less stressed to act as I am now. It's just this social pressure - from my parents as well - that how I handle social norms isn't "normal" or "healthy". So that constant pressure could be having a long-term negative effect on my mental state. Aside from that though, I can't see any real net benefit from pretending to want social interaction. There's some things I miss out on such as not knowing people in my class to fill me in if I miss a day, and stuff along those lines. But unless I can determine an undeniable comparative advantage of being social vs. not being social, it's going to be hard for me to justify it to myself.
As for letting others come to us. I think the majority stems from insecurities and our over-extension of our thinking minds. I don't know about all of you, but I'm constantly judging people. I don't like the term judging though, I'd say more analyzing and assigning a generalized assumption, which I know isn't full-proof. So when I hear somebody constantly saying stupid things, I obviously categorize them as stupid in my mind. That has now become their label. I'm not saying this is fair or right, I'm just saying that's how my mind works. If that's true for many INTP's, then we could be constantly assuming other's are thinking/assessing us, since we do it to them. But in reality, other's don't give a shit, they don't even give it a second thought. They approach you because they don't care of the result, they don't have this innate fear we do. This could potentially tie into the whole "ignorance is bliss" argument, but I won't go that far.
Yes your story makes sense. It's the same reason why I never have trouble finding a helpful person at the gym. Being fit is the ultimate form of masculinity. There's probably nothing more appealing than showing off just how sophisticated AND buff you are. You can't ever really know for certain whether or not one indulges in their knowledge or if they become annoyed at trivial questions.
@PyroPyro
Like 90% of what you said is exactly what I do haha. And my mindset is the same for "acting", as I feel that's what I'm always doing. I don't actually care what X person has to say a lot of the time; however, it's socially unacceptable to be so blunt about it. I think this actually leads me to a better question to summarize all the others. Is there anything wrong with this? I'm not sure if my attitude is going to have long-term negative effects. Such as the lack of networking and if I might need it in the future. Also needing help for things I want to do, general labor, etc. I usually don't have the luxury of this because it requires a lot of relationship building which I don't have the motivation to do. You're right about maturing myself. A lot of it was probably that I had an inflated ego coexisting with this doubt that my ego was without merit. **(I think I'm really smart but I never had any way of proving it for certain, and having a bunch of people who aren't smart tell me I'm smart wasn't a full-proof validation method. This is also because I processes information slower but fuller, and also am able to conceive of ideas that other's typically don't. So.. I feel like these qualities make me "intellectually superior", but they aren't necessarily tested for, making them unable to quantify. So even if I'm capable of being the best damn CEO in the world, until I actually do just that, I feel like I'm not good enough. It's like that infinite ladder analogy, constantly punishing ourselves for not being at the top.)** That was a really long side-note, but the point was just to acknowledge that I'm definitely not independent or as emotionally mature as I should be. As of lately I've been the one to reveal confidential information, subconsciously hoping they would reciprocate. As of lately I realized that's probably a result of emotional immaturity, so I've stopped doing that.
@doncarlzone
Yeah, the rest of my replies are pretty on point with what you said. I never cared for my appearance and I had ridiculously stupid hair my entire life, like.. my mom was so against the idea of having short hair that it never even occurred to me that I was capable of looking normal. This made me just assume I was unattractive in general and killed my self-confidence. I also have freckles, which I personally hate, so I just assume other's think it looks bad as well. While I'm constantly getting told "oh it doesn't look bad at all!", I know for a fact that it's not an attractive quality to most girls. People are so concerned with not hurting others feelings that they do more damage overall by withholding the truth. That being said, knowing there's roughly an 80% chance that they'll have a negative perception of me, my mind turns it into 100%, and I often feel like girls are lying to me when they say they like me.
Anyway, I know the root cause. Insecurities related to my intellect and physical appearance. The intellect part is easy, I'm just usually forgetful/inattentive so I feel like other's are perceiving me as "not-smart". So if I stay attentive and knowledgeable, I won't have that problem. For the physical aspect, I've been struggling with the optimal solution. I'm opting towards fixing my physical appearance. I think of it the same way a fat person loses weight. The ultimate goal is to have other's perceive you as an attractive person, thus regaining self confidence. If I don't fix it, then I feel like it's almost impossible to just not acknowledge what another's perception might be.. that's who I am, a thinker.
@Octavia
Actually, skill is defined as a learned ability. I'm not trying to get technical on you, but the reason it's called social skills to begin with is because it is in-fact learned. It's just becoming accustomed to social "norms" which our society defines. Personally, I'm tactless and abrasive. I don't get offended when I'm told I'm wrong or stupid things of the sort; however, other's get offended at this stuff quite easily. Furthermore, think of the difference between creepy and romantic. It's all in the perception of the girl. If you're attractive, they perceive flowers as romantic. If you're not, it's annoying and creepy. Same goes for social skills as a whole. We have a preconception about what is and is not normal, so these social skills are nothing more than understanding of how to adapt accordingly. This is why I'm having such problems, because I think the social norms are honestly bullshit and people should stop making assumptions such as "wow you were honest with me about how bad my paper was, you're an asshole", or "he abruptly ended the conversation, he must secretly hate me". I'm an extremely direct and blunt person. If I think something, I'll tell you straight up. The lack of "directness" leads people to act so strangely in a social context, which is defined as "norms" for whatever reason. My questions ultimately entails my uncertainty of whether I should continue down my own path, or conform to what's considered normal.
As for your other comment, I've gone to maybe 10 in my life, probably less. I'm very aware this isn't a long term solution lol, my comment was meant to verify the fact that I have social anxiety, as that's typically what drinking dis-inhibits.
@Everybody who doesn't want to read all my replies
So I think the question has been narrowed down to how to handle insecurities in general. Alternitvaely, do we really need to abide by social "norms"? I'd argue that being abrasive is a good thing because "honesty > everything". The awkwardness I commonly encounter is more than likely caused by others lack of expressing their thoughts directly, as it's typically not the social norm. So, are any of these problems actually problems, because I can't seem to think of a reason that it's actually unhealthy in any way. I mean shit, if I genuinely don't enjoy talking to people that I don't respect/like/whatever, then there's no reason to condemn this avoidant/isolationist behavior.
