Avoiding infatuation

[Rudolph Mondal]

So I'll be moving on to university next month.

I have this problem whereby I get infatuated with people (as in women/girls) rather easily. Even when I'm out on the street, if I notice someone who looks nice I'd keep wanting to catch second glimpses of them. Of course, I forget these random people easily enough but in a social environment like schools or universities, when I face repeated interaction with an individual or individuals that I find attractive, I tend to get infatuated with them rather quickly. Like in a few days or weeks depending on how often I see them and how much time I spend around them.

I've suffered from this problem since I was 15. Back then, I was studying in an all-boys school but even so I managed to get infatuated with someone whom I repeatedly saw on the telly. And it wasn't a normal sort of infatuation. It left me distracted at all times, unable to do anything else and I'd actually cry pretty often because I couldn't be with her.

And then I moved to junior college (which over here is not the same thing as in the US) and all junior colleges here are co-ed so I didn't have a choice. Over the three years (normal duration is two but I repeated a year) I infatuated over two individuals lasting around 6 months and a year and two months respectively and in between there were other girls whom I liked as well but not as strongly.

I see this as a major problem because it renders me unable to do or focus on anything else and I really wouldn't want to end up like that in university.

So...I was wondering what advice you guys might have on this issue.

Thanks.

 

[Base groove]

You will have to learn to control it or live with it or harness the energy for positive gains,

or suffer eternally.

 

[NormannTheDoorman]

Quickly rationalize the feeling or shoot it down entirely. The latter is what I normally do. I wouldn't be too harsh about it. Try to acknowledge such feelings and then slowly but surely move away from them and form some sort of mantra like:

"Deshi Basara"

"I'm just being goofy right now I think I need to take some time off for myself"

 

[Aerl]

My default reponse to such feelings as of recently would be. Come up with the most appropriate line to tell another person that if they catch you looking at them they should not get offended, that just means that I/you find them interesting. If they would want to know more what makes me interested in them or talk about something, they are very welcome to come and talk to me, also that they can expect of me to come at them with questions if I become very attached to them... Making connections has never been more fluent to me, derp.

People like when others make mistakes, so why not make yourself appear ridiculous, to make them laugh, if they find you funny, why shouldn't they want to know you more?

 

[Methodician]

It sounds like your tendencies are a little more severe than mine were but I do know exactly what you're going through. I don't think there's any magical cure. One of my infatuations, I ended up writing this really heart-felt sort of love-poem and emailing it to her. Being an extroverted, very sensie-feelie type of girl, she was just confused and a bit turned off. She would have probably been less confused had I randomly grabbed her and kissed her, not that that would have been appropriate I'm just saying people are different.

I suggest that for one, you summon as much will power as you can to resist and turn off this infatuation as it's definitely not healthy or normal. It will mess up your life and leave you heart broken over literally nothing. One way to deal with it is to get up the nerve to approach and ask out these girls. I know easier said than done but that way they either reject you and you get hurt feelings and move on, or there's always the chance you'll end up with a new GF or even just a fling.

FWIW it seems to have gotten better over time, though it did continue all throughout college. The sad part is that I didn't have one single girlfriend throughout all of college. Don't end up like that. Pick a mark that's a reasonably suitable match for you and give it a go. I really wish I had experienced an actual relationship or two during college rather than staring and obsessing over someone from across the room/schoolyard every week. Some of these girls were totally approachable and I just never realized how important it was to overcome the hesitation and FUCKING ACT ON YOUR FEELINGS. Feelings are a weird thing and you're at a point in life where they'll get at you even if you're not a sensie-feelie kind of person. Best to embrace it I guess, or you'll end up lonely.

On the bright side, I have an excellent GF now. I met her through a dating website near the end of my college career. Which brings me to another outlet for your obsessions... It's WAY less weird to cyber stalk a girl on a dating site and write empassioned letters to her. Try diverting your weirdness to a site like OkCupid.com. Take the tests, answer a million questions, and go around cyber stalking girls. Most of them will still reject you but at least it's a socially acceptable outlet for our unique brand of affection. And, again, I now live with an amazing, attractive woman I met on OkCupid.

 

[Methodician]

That's a bit wordy but I don't want to alter or delete it because it's totally heart felt and real.

BUT, I realize now that my #1 suggestion should probably be to go on a dating website. If you, like most of us on INTPf, are more comfortable interacting on the computer than face to face with girls, it's PERFECT. Also allows you to slow down and think so you won't get flustered and say something stupid or regrettable.

I strongly suggest the site www.OKCupid.com. It's the perfect nerdy outlet. You'll be able to compare metrics, test results, and all sorts of data between you and a girl, plus read her profile and look at a bunch of pictures. It's a truly excellent tool and makes obsessing and stocking just a bit more acceptable. It's no magic bullet, still, but it does work. You'll probably meet several girls who are nothing like you thought, but some will end up being real gems. If you're lucky, you'll meet someone you can be with forever. Having a girlfriend/wife almost completely disables the infatuation nodes in your braintool.

 

[Aerl]

ಠ_ಠ What's the point of having a girlfriend if not to have fun together and care for each other? What's the point of having friends at all than? Or are you saying that I should find a girlfriend that I can't have fun with? What kind of a friend is that?

ಠ_ಠ I guess friends are those who don't care about you and you can't have fun with.

 

[Red myst]

I do not understand the OP. You seem to saying a few different things here. A lot of us have dealt with infatuation to some degree. I want to be clear about what you are saying. Are you saying that when you are in relationships, you tend to be consumed by them to the point where you ignore everything else? Can't concentrate on school work, blow all of your money on your GF, spend and extraordinary amount of time obsessing over her, and always ditching friends, class, family when there is a choice of being with her or talking to her on the phone?

Or, are you saying these are non reciprocated infatuations. That you have these infatuations that last for long periods of time that you never act on.

Either one is not healthy. But I'm confused because you don't seem to be looking for dating advice. You seem to just want to turn off the infatuation trait that you have.
I am not sure that you can, and agree with what base groove said, plain and simple.
Some people never get infatuated with others. I personally feel like it is part of your love or attachment style. I know it is part of mine. Something I can't ignore. But if I don't feel it is reciprocated, I will drop it in a second. I'm not going invest my time in someone who does not feel the same way.

 

[Grayman]

If you find woman to be too visually attractive and distracting there is a simple method to deal with it. It takes time and even more concentration but it gets easier and then habitual.

Part of the problem is that you easily notice the things you like and are drawn to them. Your concentration on those things makes you want more and so you focus more on other things and take more glances and maybe even stare. The more you look the more you want to look. The first look is always the bait to the downward spiral. So you think if i don't look it should keep me from going down the rabbit hole. But what if you do look. Then what? To deal with this just do the opposite of your natural desire to look for pleasing things.

Focus on the things you find unattractive no matter how small or insignificant. Woman try really hard to cover up their aesthetic faults but you just need to focus. Find a mole or try and change how their face looks. Not imagine it different but instead change how you see it's shape and make it displeasing. People see a persons face differently. A face doesn't actually look the same to all other people so it is possible to shift how your mind makes the face look to you. If you see a nice ass look at a spot that seems out of shape. Maybe it is hanging a little more than you like. Notice the nose and how it is not completely straight. Notice the hair and how it seems like it's unhealthy. Does that look like it could be a mustache if it just thickened a little? Maybe they haven't showered in days and they have a lot of BO stinky sweat under those breasts you are staring at.... Concentrate and convince your eyes that what you are looking at is unappealing.

Also use your ears doesn't their voice sound annoying. What are they talking about? I don't really want to hear that mindless drivel coming out of her mouth so don't even bother to tell me what you hear. Is there something about that personality you don't like? Maybe her friends. Can you imagine hanging with her as a couple and having to listen to them?

If you think I am joking and this does look like a joke.... Think again. This serious.

Try not to over compensate.

I know some few men who deal with their desires by getting angry. They actually blame the woman. "They shouldn't be dressed like that."" It's disgusting!" etc... Sometimes what they are really saying is... "I don't like the way she is making me feel. I don't like the feeling of losing some control of myself. I don't like the embarrassment and it is frustrating that I have to be disappointed in myself again because I am drawn to stare at her when I know it is wrong." This is a bad way to deal with it because they are casting the blame instead of dealing with their own desires or accepting them as natural tendencies. Some men may actually treat the woman unfairly because of it.

Just letting you know this as something to avoid.

Some men just accept it. Don't care and just follow their desires. etc...

I was with a guy who took the car in another lane because he had to take a good look at a girl. Actually things like this happened all the time. I personally don't want to judge him but I don't like the idea of dying in a car accident because he had to get a good look at an ass.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Act on it, speak to those women out of impulsive spontaneity and either it goes somewhere, or it doesn't and your infatuation subsides due to embarrassment/disappointment.

Or seek professional therapeutic help in processing your emotions.

I mean you could gouge your eyes out or something but that's not very realistic.

--
IMO, if this is due to idealization then problem is you don't see females in a down to earth way, you need to speak to more of them until they're not anything special, just humans like you.

 

[Pyropyro]

May I ask if you are close to friends and/or family members?

I remember having the same issues when I was a bit younger. My counselor said that it seems that my emotional attachments become way too focused on just one person. Being able to "distribute" such attachments to many people seems to dampen the effects of infatuations.

I still get infatuated with girls but I find it much easier to let such feelings go.

 

[Absurdity]

You sound like a narcissist, who is alway looking for the pretty girl the guy he's trying to be would date. Although, I may just think that because I am a narcissist.

 

[pjoa09]

I have had that problem from a very young age.

Been dealing with it for over 9 years.

Just got to ask them out. Break your heart. Then approach more women.

Over time you will think of them as sluts and you will be a douchebag.

Then you will just thrive on the surplus.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

May I ask if you are close to friends and/or family members?

I remember having the same issues when I was a bit younger. My counselor said that it seems that my emotional attachments become way too focused on just one person. Being able to "distribute" such attachments to many people seems to dampen the effects of infatuations.

I still get infatuated with girls but I find it much easier to let such feelings go.

Yes, I am pretty close to friends and family. Closer to family than friends though.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

I do not understand the OP. You seem to saying a few different things here. A lot of us have dealt with infatuation to some degree. I want to be clear about what you are saying. Are you saying that when you are in relationships, you tend to be consumed by them to the point where you ignore everything else? Can't concentrate on school work, blow all of your money on your GF, spend and extraordinary amount of time obsessing over her, and always ditching friends, class, family when there is a choice of being with her or talking to her on the phone?

Or, are you saying these are non reciprocated infatuations. That you have these infatuations that last for long periods of time that you never act on.

Either one is not healthy. But I'm confused because you don't seem to be looking for dating advice. You seem to just want to turn off the infatuation trait that you have.
I am not sure that you can, and agree with what base groove said, plain and simple.
Some people never get infatuated with others. I personally feel like it is part of your love or attachment style. I know it is part of mine. Something I can't ignore. But if I don't feel it is reciprocated, I will drop it in a second. I'm not going invest my time in someone who does not feel the same way.

Two of the girls I've liked so far knew at some point that I liked them but they told me pretty clearly that they don't like me. So...yeah...

I figured I'm just the type of guy no one likes that way and so I'd rather not have to deal with those feelings.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

That's a bit wordy but I don't want to alter or delete it because it's totally heart felt and real.

BUT, I realize now that my #1 suggestion should probably be to go on a dating website. If you, like most of us on INTPf, are more comfortable interacting on the computer than face to face with girls, it's PERFECT. Also allows you to slow down and think so you won't get flustered and say something stupid or regrettable.

I strongly suggest the site www.OKCupid.com. It's the perfect nerdy outlet. You'll be able to compare metrics, test results, and all sorts of data between you and a girl, plus read her profile and look at a bunch of pictures. It's a truly excellent tool and makes obsessing and stocking just a bit more acceptable. It's no magic bullet, still, but it does work. You'll probably meet several girls who are nothing like you thought, but some will end up being real gems. If you're lucky, you'll meet someone you can be with forever. Having a girlfriend/wife almost completely disables the infatuation nodes in your braintool.

Oh, I tried something like this before. Not on a dating site, but facebook messaging. We had long conversations sometimes lasting more than an hour each time. But now she has a boyfriend who happens to be one of my closer friends and the only reason they got to know each other was because of me. HAHA.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

You see, asking them out wouldn't solve things very much because my intention is to get rid of these emotions, not find some means of expressing them. I want to focus on other things like learning about AI and computers and math and philosophy and thinking about things. I don't necessarily want or need a relationship. In many ways in fact, having a relationship would hinder my progress in these areas.

There has to be some means of overcoming these feelings and urges.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

You sound like a narcissist, who is alway looking for the pretty girl the guy he's trying to be would date. Although, I may just think that because I am a narcissist.

I think I'm fairly narcissistic too. It even shows on how I operate on this forum.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

If you find woman to be too visually attractive and distracting there is a simple method to deal with it. It takes time and even more concentration but it gets easier and then habitual.

Part of the problem is that you easily notice the things you like and are drawn to them. Your concentration on those things makes you want more and so you focus more on other things and take more glances and maybe even stare. The more you look the more you want to look. The first look is always the bait to the downward spiral. So you think if i don't look it should keep me from going down the rabbit hole. But what if you do look. Then what? To deal with this just do the opposite of your natural desire to look for pleasing things.

Focus on the things you find unattractive no matter how small or insignificant. Woman try really hard to cover up their aesthetic faults but you just need to focus. Find a mole or try and change how their face looks. Not imagine it different but instead change how you see it's shape and make it displeasing. People see a persons face differently. A face doesn't actually look the same to all other people so it is possible to shift how your mind makes the face look to you. If you see a nice ass look at a spot that seems out of shape. Maybe it is hanging a little more than you like. Notice the nose and how it is not completely straight. Notice the hair and how it seems like it's unhealthy. Does that look like it could be a mustache if it just thickened a little? Maybe they haven't showered in days and they have a lot of BO stinky sweat under those breasts you are staring at.... Concentrate and convince your eyes that what you are looking at is unappealing.

Also use your ears doesn't their voice sound annoying. What are they talking about? I don't really want to hear that mindless drivel coming out of her mouth so don't even bother to tell me what you hear. Is there something about that personality you don't like? Maybe her friends. Can you imagine hanging with her as a couple and having to listen to them?

If you think I am joking and this does look like a joke.... Think again. This serious.

Try not to over compensate.

I know some few men who deal with their desires by getting angry. They actually blame the woman. "They shouldn't be dressed like that."" It's disgusting!" etc... Sometimes what they are really saying is... "I don't like the way she is making me feel. I don't like the feeling of losing some control of myself. I don't like the embarrassment and it is frustrating that I have to be disappointed in myself again because I am drawn to stare at her when I know it is wrong." This is a bad way to deal with it because they are casting the blame instead of dealing with their own desires or accepting them as natural tendencies. Some men may actually treat the woman unfairly because of it.

Just letting you know this as something to avoid.

Some men just accept it. Don't care and just follow their desires. etc...

I was with a guy who took the car in another lane because he had to take a good look at a girl. Actually things like this happened all the time. I personally don't want to judge him but I don't like the idea of dying in a car accident because he had to get a good look at an ass.

If I am only attracted to someone because of her looks, it usually fades with time. But the problem arises when there are repeated interactions and when they do something really nice for me or even just smile at me for a moment.

I like it when they pay attention when I speak. When they giggle at something silly I might do. I like it when they wave at me or say hi. I don't know, I just like the attention.

And if this happens repeatedly then well, I end up falling for them really badly.

Maybe they were just trying to be friendly, I don't know..

One of the girls I used to like said (to someone else) that the reason she didn't reciprocate my feelings was because we were too similar. Hmm..

My latest infatuation was a big disaster. The whole time, she was interested in my friend, who only got to know her because of me. She didn't say anything initially. I wish she did. Maybe I'd have backed off if I knew she liked someone else and furthermore if that someone else happens to be my friend.

She was possibly the nicest girl I ever met. She did many kind things for me like giving me a notebook because I told her I was disorganized, offering me her water bottle to drink from when I told her I was thirsty, lending me her books to read, and just...paying attention to me, dammit. And I realize now that all that she did makes her an even nicer person because she didn't like me. And yet, she did all those things.

She got to know that I liked her through some guy who spread rumours about me. I visited her tumblr that day. She seemed very disturbed. Later that night, she sent me a message saying that she didn't like me that way and that she only saw me as a friend. And then she had this GIF from Edward Scissorhands of Edward saying sorry that was really cute.

When we were in the canteen and some distance away from each other, she would sometimes look at me and smile. She was just so darn nice. The last time we spoke to each other she approached me and said hello. I have low self-esteem so I didn't expect her to approach me without me noticing her.

A few weeks later she started dating my friend. I am happy for them. They both love each other.

I haven't spoken to her since. I don't really know why. We did see each other a few times after that but we never spoke. Never even acknowledged each other's presence.

She has probably forgotten about me but I still dream about her from time to time. And in those dreams, I experience the same emotions I did back then and it leaves me feeling unsettled for the rest of the day.

My friend (the one who's dating her) told me that the reason we didn't get together was because I put her up on a pedestal and never saw her as an equal. Even after he told me that, I still can't. She's the most perfect thing in my experience. I miss her sometimes, especially after I dream of her. In those dreams, she's always far away and I'm trying to attract her attention but failing to do so. Gaah...

I could spend days writing about the time I spent with her, infatuated/in love with her, the days she still considered me a friend.

But I guess I'll stop here.

 

[Red myst]

Two of the girls I've liked so far knew at some point that I liked them but they told me pretty clearly that they don't like me. So...yeah...

I figured I'm just the type of guy no one likes that way and so I'd rather not have to deal with those feelings.

Ok, now I am clear. You are prone to infatuations. And you have pursued them with no positive results. I get it. That's a tough position to be in. You want to go against your natural propensities. That's tough to do especially in your situation with school and all where you are surrounded with chicks. I think working against ones nature tends to blow up in ones face. I do believe you when you say if you had a relationship it would not help. I understand that it will just distract you from your studies. Have you considered that a healthy relationship can have positive effect on your situation? For instance, if you get involved with a hot party girl, she will probably screw you up. But if you get involved with someone who is more of a nurturing type it could be good for you. I don't think you are going to win a battle against yourself over the infatuation part. But rather than be drawn in just by looks, think about the qualities you would like to find in another person. Did the girls you were infatuated with have the qualities you were looking for? Had you given that any thought? Or were the just physically attractive and seemed nice enough. Are you a kind of "womanizer" type? I had several friends that seemed to target women that seemed attractive. Those relationships never went very far for one reason or another and they were usually unhappy. The majority of the girls I dated were physically plain by comparison. But I did not target them, they were people I interacted with in social circles, and their style was to my taste. They were basically socially introverted types that I would end up having the best conversations with. And I would just ask them to a movie or something during casual conversation. I would only do this if I had a sense that they genuinely had some interest in me. As a matter of fact, that is where the enfactuation begins with me. Once I know there is a mutual interest. I don't get hung up on someone I just "have to have". But that is just me, and I don't yet know if this is the case for you because you haven't spelled it out like that to me. If you are picky about who you date, expect them to be picky back. I'm not in a relationship with a body, but a personality. I'm not saying I don't have a threshold for what I find attractive. But I can say that I have noticed that the better I get to know someone, the more attractive the personality, then the more attractive to person becomes overall to me.
I hope something I have said here helps you. Otherwise I only know traditional fixes like trying to bury yourself in studies, work and other distractions. But those are mainly for getting over relationships, not fighting the urge to have one.


Dammit! I did not see your reply to Greyman. Must have posted it while I was writing this. I get you Dude. I would have gone about it differently. But I still hope some it holds some relevance for you.

 

[Grayman]

If I am only attracted to someone because of her looks, it usually fades with time. But the problem arises when there are repeated interactions and when they do something really nice for me or even just smile at me for a moment.

I like it when they pay attention when I speak. When they giggle at something silly I might do. I like it when they wave at me or say hi. I don't know, I just like the attention.

And if this happens repeatedly then well, I end up falling for them really badly.

Maybe they were just trying to be friendly, I don't know..

One of the girls I used to like said (to someone else) that the reason she didn't reciprocate my feelings was because we were too similar. Hmm..

My latest infatuation was a big disaster. The whole time, she was interested in my friend, who only got to know her because of me. She didn't say anything initially. I wish she did. Maybe I'd have backed off if I knew she liked someone else and furthermore if that someone else happens to be my friend.

She was possibly the nicest girl I ever met. She did many kind things for me like giving me a notebook because I told her I was disorganized, offering me her water bottle to drink from when I told her I was thirsty, lending me her books to read, and just...paying attention to me, dammit. And I realize now that all that she did makes her an even nicer person because she didn't like me. And yet, she did all those things.

She got to know that I liked her through some guy who spread rumours about me. I visited her tumblr that day. She seemed very disturbed. Later that night, she sent me a message saying that she didn't like me that way and that she only saw me as a friend. And then she had this GIF from Edward Scissorhands of Edward saying sorry that was really cute.

When we were in the canteen and some distance away from each other, she would sometimes look at me and smile. She was just so darn nice. The last time we spoke to each other she approached me and said hello. I have low self-esteem so I didn't expect her to approach me without me noticing her.

I still think it will help. If you see their faults you will have less desire for thier attention. Also, as you stated, you need self acceptance. You do not need thier attention. Be a man or they will be uncomfortable with a relationship with you. You have to rid youself of those needs or you will never get that attention you want.

 

[Duxwing]

Look away when you feel infatuation, and the feeling will naturally fade: your unconscious should soon raise whatever issues it may have.

-Duxwing

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Ok, now I am clear. You are prone to infatuations. And you have pursued them with no positive results. I get it. That's a tough position to be in. You want to go against your natural propensities. That's tough to do especially in your situation with school and all where you are surrounded with chicks. I think working against ones nature tends to blow up in ones face. I do believe you when you say if you had a relationship it would not help. I understand that it will just distract you from your studies. Have you considered that a healthy relationship can have positive effect on your situation? For instance, if you get involved with a hot party girl, she will probably screw you up. But if you get involved with someone who is more of a nurturing type it could be good for you. I don't think you are going to win a battle against yourself over the infatuation part. But rather than be drawn in just by looks, think about the qualities you would like to find in another person. Did the girls you were infatuated with have the qualities you were looking for? Had you given that any thought? Or were the just physically attractive and seemed nice enough. Are you a kind of "womanizer" type? I had several friends that seemed to target women that seemed attractive. Those relationships never went very far for one reason or another and they were usually unhappy. The majority of the girls I dated were physically plain by comparison. But I did not target them, they were people I interacted with in social circles, and their style was to my taste. They were basically socially introverted types that I would end up having the best conversations with. And I would just ask them to a movie or something during casual conversation. I would only do this if I had a sense that they genuinely had some interest in me. As a matter of fact, that is where the enfactuation begins with me. Once I know there is a mutual interest. I don't get hung up on someone I just "have to have". But that is just me, and I don't yet know if this is the case for you because you haven't spelled it out like that to me. If you are picky about who you date, expect them to be picky back. I'm not in a relationship with a body, but a personality. I'm not saying I don't have a threshold for what I find attractive. But I can say that I have noticed that the better I get to know someone, the more attractive the personality, then the more attractive to person becomes overall to me.
I hope something I have said here helps you. Otherwise I only know traditional fixes like trying to bury yourself in studies, work and other distractions. But those are mainly for getting over relationships, not fighting the urge to have one.


Dammit! I did not see your reply to Greyman. Must have posted it while I was writing this. I get you Dude. I would have gone about it differently. But I still hope some it holds some relevance for you.

I guess your message would apply to the random people I see around me whom I find attractive but as I mentioned, when I get attracted to someone based solely on looks, it doesn't last too long.

The reason why I wrote all of that to Grayman was because I felt that my last infatuation wasn't really so much of an infatuation. It was more than that. I feel like writing more about her. Here it goes...

The first time I saw her was during our orientation for junior college. Let's call her Y. At the time, I was infatuated with this girl from my orientation group solely because of her voice and her looks. I saw Y from a distance and thought she seemed really interesting because she was different from everyone else. She was a little awkward in the crowd and using a term she used later to describe her, she was like a little mouse running around, clueless as to where she was going. I still recall that look because it was one I'd see more often as the days went by.

I saw her around in school a few times after that but didn't do anything or say anything because I was still infatuated with that girl from my orientation group. And then my friend and I went for this writer's block thing and to my surprise, there she was, sitting in the midst of all her other classmates. So I went for a few of those sessions and I'd always see her there. And then...one day...I got to sit beside her. We exchanged what each of us had written and we spoke for a bit. She was really friendly. I think that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

So I told my friend about her (the one who would eventually go on to date her) and eventually, somehow, I managed to get her name and so I found her on facebook. My friend added her first and started talking to her. I was pretty depressed because she didn't add me. Later my friend said that he had played a prank on me and apparently told her not to add me or something. (I still don't know if this is actually true) To make up for that, he introduced me (officially) to her and so she added me and apologized saying that she didn't know my name. And so we began to exchange messages back and forth each other. Of course, my friend had the upper hand so he managed to talk to her more than I did.

I didn't have the guts to ask her for her number or approach her directly in school. My friend, who's an ENTP, did all of those things. It wasn't any problem for him. I still remember the three of us chatting on facebook and Y proposed a toast to everlasting friendship. *clinks glasses of milo* Sadly, it didn't quite work out with two of us.

I never managed to spend much time with her face to face. The longest was about ten minutes when we were at the bus stop, waiting for our buses to arrive. But online, we'd sometimes have conversations that were 2 hours long. I'd always feel really happy when that happened.

After she found out that I liked her, we didn't talk for two whole months. And then school began and I saw her around a lot and couldn't help myself but send her a messgae again. All I said was "Hi. How have you been doing these days? You know, with school and all." And she replied a much longer post telling me that the first week went by pretty well for her, asking me if I was going for this math competition, telling me about this tumblr about neuroscience she thought I'd be interested in. The last part made me sort of swell up inside because it meant that even during those two months when we didn't speak, she still thought of me. Then I realized she still treats me as a friend and that felt really good.

Oh, and I have this other friend who lives in the same estate as her and so one day they managed to have a lengthy conversation between themselves and apparently I popped up in that conversation. When that conversation took place, she hadn't replied my message for about a week or so and when my other friend mentioned me, she (according to my other friend) smacked her head with her palm saying something along the lines of "Damn it. I haven't replied his message yet" followed by "Do you know that he...(likes me)?" and some other stuff my other friend wouldn't tell me about but basically assured me that she sees me as a friend and that's unlikely to change. HAHA.

Well, it did change. I don't really know why. I gave her my blog address when we started speaking to her again back in January last year and in June, after she hadn't replied my message (which was really short) for a while yet I knew that she had visited her account (because she posted photos of herself on a biking trip with her classmates) I basically wrote on my blog this:
"Gaah...

I think it's about time I let go. This has gone on for far too long.

But damn it, I can't.

I've tried many times till now and failed, every single time.

Probably didn't try hard enough.

What good will it do to hang on to it anyway?

It's a nuisance to the parties affected.

I should stop being so goddamn selfish all of the time.

I should stop trying to grab everything I like for myself.

We're talking about sentient beings here!

Damn it...

I don't know...

I don't want to let it go...

But I must!

Can't rely on anyone but myself.

People have got their own lives to lead.

Can't expect them to care for me or give me attention.

I'm a pretty shit person right now.

I'd like to be better.

I still think about it before I sleep.

What do I think about now?

What can provide me with comfort and solace now?

I can't keep running to my fantasies all of the time.

Gaah...

The sheer inertia of existence.

That's pretty much all there's left."

Maybe she read that or maybe her boyfriend (my friend) told her not to speak to me again or maybe she just didn't feel like speaking to me anymore (which is weird because that was a really short message and it included a question in it) but whatever it was, we didn't speak again after that. In the middle of July, I found out that she was dating my friend and so...I deleted my facebook account, my tumblr, and suspended my blog. Her class and mine sat very near each other during chemistry lectures and it was really hard for me. I somehow could sense her presence although I never looked back (probably from her voice) and would always leave a bunch of seats empty so that I didn't have to sit directly in front of her. And then worse yet, I had literature lessons at the same floor her class was situated in. It was a really tough ordeal.

Damn it, I can't tell you how much I miss her. How I reminisce those days we were still friends. I created a new facebook account in september and I sometimes see her photos that our mutual friends post. And it always leaves me feeling unsettled. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Well, at least she's happy.

All of this taught me an important lesson that I should never fall for someone again. Because if I do, it'll probably hurt like how this one did. I'm not a masochist. Not really. No point trying to inflict pain on myself again.

 

[Grayman]

@Rudolph Mondal

The reason why I wrote all of that to Grayman was because I felt that my last infatuation wasn't really so much of an infatuation. It was more than that.

It's an obsession.

Where is your friend in all this? He's never said anything about this? Are you still talking with this ENTP friend?


Your inventing things and seeing more than is there. You think you know her but you don't really. Your infatuated with an idea of someone that does not exist and this woman is the container for that idea. You cannot have that idea and you cannot have her. There is no perfect woman.

What is worse is that you seem to convince yourself that there is something there when there never was. Likely she feels bad ignoring you and replies but you keep pushing and she is forced to end it. Then you start again and she feels bad again ignoring you etc...

Woman in their sensitivity will not tell you to your face that they don't like you. You just have to take a hint. I think it's gutless but it is the way it is.

You are just wasting your time when there are many other equally less than perfect woman out there for you to pawn over.

It is not like she is the only one in the whole world that you will be able to have a serious connection with. Apparently she is one of the few you cannot have. How many woman are there in the world and how many of those woman have you met in your life?


You need to find something to do with your life and concentrate on that. Make that your new obsession.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

@Rudolph Mondal



It's an obsession.

Where is your friend in all this? He's never said anything about this? Are you still talking with this ENTP friend?


Your inventing things and seeing more than is there. You think you know her but you don't really. Your infatuated with an idea of someone that does not exist and this woman is the container for that idea. You cannot have that idea and you cannot have her. There is no perfect woman.

What is worse is that you seem to convince yourself that there is something there when there never was. Likely she feels bad ignoring you and replies but you keep pushing and she is forced to end it. Then you start again and she feels bad again ignoring you etc...

Woman in their sensitivity will not tell you to your face that they don't like you. You just have to take a hint. I think it's gutless but it is the way it is.

You are just wasting your time when there are many other equally less than perfect woman out there for you to pawn over.

It is not like she is the only one in the whole world that you will be able to have a serious connection with. Apparently she is one of the few you cannot have. How many woman are there in the world and how many of those woman have you met in your life?


You need to find something to do with your life and concentrate on that. Make that your new obsession.

I still talk to him sometimes. He's the one who always initiates the conversation but our friendship isn't what it really used to be. We've grown apart.

I know that you're right. It's an obsession. I know it now.

As much as it hurts to admit it, you're right and there wasn't really anything there.

I wish I'd known all of this earlier.

Having written all of that and having read your reply, I realize I'm not ready for a relationship. I need to better myself.

I guess I'm a pretty shit person right now. And it sucks knowing that.

You're right. I need to find something else in my life and obsess over that instead.

There's much that I enjoy doing but hmm...there's nothing that I'm good at, really. Probably because I never spent enough time on anything.

Is everyone necessarily passionate about something all the time? Do people like me exist?

If you read some of my earliest posts here on intpforum, you'd know that I was on medication previously. Not right now though. I've been without medication for about a month or so.

Why do I bring that up? Well because, when I first starting taking those medication, I felt a sense of unparalleled clarity and passion. I did things I no longer know how to do like I created an algorithm for converting a number of any base to the same number of any other base. I know because I wrote down that algorithm on my blog.
In that same time period, I spent hours poring over mathematical logic. I knew things I've long forgotten.

In any case, I want to be like that again but as time went by, the medication became increasingly useless. It no longer brought me that same sense of clarity and passion. I felt like my old self again.

Right now, I don't really feel that passionate about anything. Sure, computers and logic and AI still interest me but it's not like how things were at their height.

I hope I'm not annoying you by writing all this. I really need someone to hear me out. Talking to parents isn't good because they worry more than necessary, my siblings are still young, friends...well...

As I mentioned in my first post on this thread, I'm moving to college next month and it pains me a little.

It pains me to have to live with a bunch of strangers I don't know. Pains me to have to settle into a new environment. But I know it's all good for me and that it'll allow me to grow so I won't complain so much.

Back when I was really young, I was interested in maps and atlases and looking up countries on the encyclopedia. I still sort of have that interest.

As I got older, I got interested in other things. Sometimes I wonder if I'm faking my interests only so I can think of myself as being intelligent.

Oh, when I was younger than that, my parents tell me I'd play with lego blocks all day. I played with lego and other toys till I was around eleven years old. I'd create stories about the characters involved too. I also had notebooks in which I'd draw comics. The characters I drew all were lions without manes. I don't know why I didn't draw humans in my stories. I wonder what lead me to draw lion faces instead.

Ah, actually, in my grandparent's house, where I lived during the first 3 years of my life, there was a big portrait of a lion. That lion had mane though.

Forgive me if all of this is off topic. I just feel like sharing all of this with you.

I got bullied in school sometimes, not only by the students but by the teachers as well. I was just awkward I guess. But anyway, when I'd feel bad, since I had a vast knowledge of maps and countries, I'd imagine that I was going to be migrating somewhere else the next day or that I was living somewhere else. And those fantasies would eventually lead me to sleep.

I haven't quite grown out of my propensity to fantasize about things. I still do. Like I was reading this book by Neal Stephenson called Cryptonomicon just a few days ago and I modelled a fantasy version of myself based on one of the characters in that book named Lawrence Waterhouse. He's a very intelligent person, especially with mathematics although he is slightly out of depth in the social domain.

The fantasies I create are always wonderful to think about and imagine but soon enough you have to be reminded that these are only fantasies and that reality is almost nothing like it. And that's a particularly difficult thing to do.

My parents tell me I started behaving weirdly (as in more like a delinquent) from the time I was 15. Incidentally, that was also when I had my first infatuation/crush/obsession.

I have always liked playing with the idea that I'm different from everyone else. That I'm special, somehow. That's probably not true but I like to think that it is. I think that also led me to believe that I'm more intelligent than most people which I've only recently realized is utter hogwash.

Or maybe I am pretty intelligent but I don't put effort into my thinking. Which is why I suck very much at strategy games like chess or reversi or that new kid on the block, 2048. I couldn't get 2048 although I've been playing the game quite regularly for two days now. Hmph.

I've also been recently very interested in WW2 history, which I suppose springs from my reading of Cryptonomicon.

I think that's all I'm going to say for now.

 

[StevenM]

1. Work on yourself.
2. Work at making friends.
3. The sky is the limit

Before you can do anything, it is important to have a good outlook of yourself. I've noticed some (very common) beliefs in your writing that are counterproductive and can be harmful. Before you attempt at doing this however, I'd suggest you wait until you disengage with your infatuation.

Like many of the people have posted, there will be more people (better people) in which you could spend your life with. And besides, having a relationship with someone isn't 'all that' and is extremely hard work. You won't be able to just 'snap' your fingers and get over infatuation, you are going to have to first detach permanently from that person, and let the turmoil of your feelings settle. It's going to take a little while, just bite the bullet and hang on. It gets easier, and easier in time, and soon, your thoughts become a bit more rational, logical, and clearer. Like someone has posted, imagine the things you can't stand about the person, or just realize that there is nothing there for you in that person. Just be sure you eventually detach your feelings from that person, and you can finally say that she doesn't have any hold on you, and move on. (may take awhile, be patient)

At this point, you have to gain a better relationship with yourself. It's easy to see your own weaknesses, but you can also capitalize on your strengths. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm faking my interests only so I can think of myself as being intelligent.

This, and some other things you said, seems to stem from an irrational belief that you are not intelligent or capable. You probably imagine all the things you "can't" do, and can list a bunch of your shortcomings, but I encourage you to change your perspective. Think about who you are, and what you have had success with. Remind yourself, that even though you may not do the things you see other's doing, you still do have unique talents and gifts, and mention to yourself the things you have done well. Try to find other self-defeating beliefs of yourself, and try to realistically challenge them. Don't depend on people to help you with this, the power to gain self-confidence has to come from yourself. People will have a much different perspective of you, if you change how you see yourself.

If you can live harmoniously with yourself, and accept and like yourself for who you really are (shortcomings and your strengths) then you are ready for the next step: working at making and maintaining friends.

You will have a challenging time gaining and holding a romantic relationship, if you are currently unable to live independently, and have a challenging time maintaining friendships. The mere foundation of a romantic relationship should be based on independence and friendship. Learn to acquaint with people, and slowly build it more into a friendship. Then learn how to maintain that friendship. You are lucky, because you will be given an opportunity to go to college, which will be a storehouse of possible relationships. Try not to see it as a pain, but as an exciting opportunity and challenge. College can be fun, even for introverts. Gain experience in maintaining a friendship, and having it last.

Then, once you have learned to live harmoniously with yourself, live independently, and maintained a few good friends and acquaintances, you will be ready to tackle a romantic relationship much easier.

This is a long process, and I believe you are still young. You have ample time to grow into someone you can fully enjoy being, and expand independently to sustain yourself. Don't doubt it, and be patient. You have lots of time.

 

[Kuu]

Oh man, you sound so terribly like I used to be when I was a confused teen


I feel compelled to comment.

It's clearly evident you're depressed and have low self-esteem. This is no surprise to you. It's hard but it's mostly you who are doing it to yourself. You're fighting with ghosts inside your own brain, not really engaging the real world and the people in it. But you do have the tools to stop this.

I've suffered from this problem since I was 15. Back then, I was studying in an all-boys school.

There begins the problem. Studying in an-all boys school is pretty damaging, particularly for certain awkward introverts, because it's easy to see women always from a distance, not as relatable humans but as mythical, distant creatures. You never learn how to be friends with them, you enter into some bizarre idealised contest/prize mentality, where they are objects to be gained and placed in a glass box to preserve their perfection and keep them to yourself. Its a sick mentality and creeps girls out because you don't engage them as the individual, flawed persons they are, but as unapproachable goddesses to be worshipped and appeased.

My friend (the one who's dating her) told me that the reason we didn't get together was because I put her up on a pedestal and never saw her as an equal. Even after he told me that, I still can't. She's the most perfect thing in my experience.

^He is right.

Imagine if someone, right now, came to you saying she thought you were the most perfect human she ever met? WTF, right? I'm totally fucked up! This person's just imagining things, not seeing the real, flawed me. Clearly they don't know me for who I actually am, and are just obsessed! That's like stalker-level creepy. Besides, I can't live up to those insane expectations, that doesn't make me feel sexy, that makes me feel even more of a failure!

Yeah.

Stop. Pedestalizing. Women. They poop too you know?

No one is perfect. Grow together. That is a relationship.

I see this as a major problem because it renders me unable to do or focus on anything else and I really wouldn't want to end up like that in university.

When you think of these women as perfect and necessary for you to have, it becomes a life-or-death kind of situation in your head, and turns into an obsession. As soon as you realise that they aren't perfect and necessary, your mind will stop obsessing over them. You don't need them (but it is pleasant to befriend them).

I figured I'm just the type of guy no one likes that way and so I'd rather not have to deal with those feelings.

This is self-defeating shit that's only in your head, and not a fact set in stone. You need to develop your self esteem and skills, become more stable and non-emotionally dependent on others. This cannot be ignored and brushed aside, you gotta work on it and only then will you stop having negative self-hating thoughts.

Attract them, don't chase them. It might be hard to grasp, since it seems very counter-intuitive, but focusing on them drives them away, while if you focus on your hobbies and schoolwork and treat them nicely as an interesting person, some will be drawn to you without you needing to lift a finger (making them stay around is the tricky part).

One could say "be an ENTP!"... one can learn plenty from them and their people attracting nature. Use your intelligence to identify the patterns of others (and your own), both good and bad.

Just think about this: How do those girls you felt attracted to beyond physical appearance behaved towards you? There's much to learn from what you find attractive in others, since that is the kind of person you would like to attract to you.

I'm not saying to act like someone you're not. I'm saying be comfortable in your own skin. Be shameless and open about the things you like (gotta advertise your goods, people don't read minds!) and enjoy work/life (it's a process), and they will come without you needing to obsess over them. Suddenly you'll become attractive.

You too can take a level in badass.

You see, asking them out wouldn't solve things very much because my intention is to get rid of these emotions, not find some means of expressing them.

Don't be silly. Expressing them IS the way to get rid of them. Ignoring them in an attempt to get rid of them bottles them up and only builds up internal pressure (emotional pain and obsession, sound familiar?) that will inevitably lead to a severe mental/emotional breakdown some time in the future. The pain of disappointment after being shot down is insignificant compared to the utter despair, loneliness and suicidal urges you will suffer if you foolishly continue to negate your feelings/desires out of fear of things that are largely in your head.

Ignore this advice at your own peril.

I like it when they pay attention when I speak. When they giggle at something silly I might do. I like it when they wave at me or say hi. I don't know, I just like the attention.

Maybe they were just trying to be friendly, I don't know..

She was possibly the nicest girl I ever met. She did many kind things for me (...) and just...paying attention to me, dammit.

Some people are just nice and that doesn't mean they think of you as anything special.

Obviously you crave affection. Becoming obsessed to the first girl that comes across and treats you nice is understandable if you've felt lonely and mistreated and misunderstood all your life (been there, done that). Nevertheless this is self-centered and dependent behaviour and can never be the basis of a healthy relationship, and rushing to the first nice person will often lead to hurt. You can be obsessed with an ideal, but that will never make a relationship with a person. It's like some sort of masturbation. Except you are using her hand to masturbate. People don't like that.

Don't fall in love with something that's not real.

I haven't spoken to her since. I don't really know why. We did see each other a few times after that but we never spoke. Never even acknowledged each other's presence.

I could spend days writing about the time I spent with her, infatuated/in love with her, the days she still considered me a friend.

I never managed to spend much time with her face to face. The longest was about ten minutes when we were at the bus stop, waiting for our buses to arrive. But online, we'd sometimes have conversations that were 2 hours long.

Then I realized she still treats me as a friend and that felt really good.

How I reminisce those days we were still friends.

You are the one who is destroying the friendship, not her. She obviously felt comfortable with you and friendly. You trashed it by being creepy treating her like an idea. Now she probably still thinks good of you, but doesn't want to be around you since she might fear you'll get wrong ideas (again) and then she'll have to witness you suffering and stress her out.

But this is just theory. What you need is to get real: don't assume things about others, ask. Don't assume they know you, tell them. Reduce text communication, get physical ().

If you want to try to rescue the friendship, you have to kill your obsession on her perfection (and her being with you). And you should probably tell her (in person preferably) that you realise that you were obsessed and that it was stupid, and you were in love with an idea and not her. Saying it will make it more final for you, help you get over it by getting it out of your system (no regrets), and hopefully would reassure her that she doesn't have to tiptoe around you and can talk to you again.

All of this taught me an important lesson that I should never fall for someone again.

Have you ever actually fallen for someone? Or just your self-created fictions?

You're inventing things and seeing more than is there. You think you know her but you don't really. You're infatuated with an idea of someone that does not exist and this woman is the container for that idea. You cannot have that idea and you cannot have her. There is no perfect woman.

^^^

Also what TMills27 said.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Initially the thread was about unwanted infatuation, but now it seems it's about unfulfilled infatuation(?), in which case I think this quote from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is relevant:

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."​

True words but it's the unavoidable reality of what happens for a lot of guys, and just acknowledging the fact isn't really going to change things.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Thank you Tmills27 and Kuu for your posts.

Addressing Tmills27's post first...

I no longer feel as strongly for her as I did back then. It's just that sometimes I get reminded of the past and it gets me swirling down into an abyss.

I do see how important it is to change my perspective on myself and see myself in a more positive light. At least from a theoretical point of view. (for if I actually understood, I'd be actively trying to see myself in a positive light) The hard part is sticking with that perspective and not letting myself fall back. I suppose college could be quite fun and an exciting opportunity...but I realize that to properly convince myself of that, I'd have to go a few rungs up the ladder. I'll try though. Try not to dwell on my negative emotions too much and encouraging positive ones.

I think the last bit's actually quite possible. I wasn't feeling too good today and when I don't feel particularly good, I tend to sleep a lot. I slept a lot today as well but I also tried to distract myself from my feelings by watching documentaries rather than dwell on them like I always do. Towards the evening, I was feeling better and even went out for a walk to the library.

As for making friends, I used to be a lot more socially awkward and inappropriate than I am right now. I do have friends but admittedly none with whom I'm completely comfortable sharing everything with which is why this forum comes in handy. And on maintaining friendships, well, I have remained in close contact with a friend I made 7 years ago and we meet up almost every week. It's quite funny, really. He hated me initially but later, somehow, his attitude changed towards me. And I don't have to do anything, really. He's the one who initiates all the meet-ups. I hope I'm not taking this friendship for granted though. Some weeks we don't meet up and I get really worried and start thinking whether I did so said anything wrong but then the following week, he'd call me up again and everything's fine.

I still don't feel entirely comfortable in my own skin which is why I fantasize so much. But as you said, I have lots of time.

Now for Kuu's post...

You're quite right. I do have very low self-esteem. My teachers have been saying that about me since primary school. I do get upset rather often too mainly because I wallow in my emotions too much sometimes. Little things get me upset. Like maybe the smell in the air reminds me of something I'd rather not remember. Or it could be a sound or an object. But as you said, I have the tools to stop this and I believe that too.

Indeed, it's very difficult for me to be friends with girls. There's only maybe two girls so far with whom I've been friends with and didn't end up getting infatuated over in some way. I'd like to digress for a bit and tell a story of how I ended up getting infatuated over my first crush whom I actually spoke to. (my first ever crush, as I mentioned in a post earlier was someone I'd never met in person and someone who didn't know I existed)

It happened like this...We were put in a new class after orientation was over and the whole class had to go for this dragon-boating thing. We both had been selected for this subject called Knowledge and Inquiry and so she came up to me and asked me what I wrote for the test. We ended up arguing over the value of love and other things and I recall being more socially inappropriate than I am right now and I was gesticulating a lot and also talking pretty loudly and excitedly. This happened on a Thursday. I ended up being infatuated with her by that weekend. Some guys started spreading bad rumours about me and I told think she believed them but somehow got uncomfortable around me and so I got uncomfortable around her and I'd purposely avoid her and she would purposely avoid me and then she blocked me on facebook. Oh yes, we did start conversing over facebook but some time later, she stopped replying and blocked me totally. I somehow stopped being enamoured by her and actually started disliking her a little bit. The next year, I'm forced to repeat the year having failed my finals the earlier year and ended up falling for the girl (or rather, the idea of the girl) whom I wrote so much about in my earlier posts. The girl I liked the previous year took pity on me and apologized for her past actions and we became friends and fortunately enough, I didn't go back to liking her...probably because I was by that time too caught up with the idea of Y.

Anyway...I suppose I need to spend maybe a good ten years focusing on other things before I start noticing the girls around me. Hopefully, along the way I can befriend women without falling for them or the idea of them. And that is what scares me. Moving on to university, there will be plenty of girls around and I'm afraid I'll fall for someone or the idea of someone again.

But I shouldn't bottle up my feelings either, as it could lead to a severe mental/nervous breakdown as you said. So I should just...tell them that I like them? But what if I don't want to get into a relationship and just want to be friends with them? (But can't, because I've fallen for an idea of them)

I don't want to rescue the friendship just yet because I haven't fully recovered yet and am still obsessed over her in a way. Maybe our friendship by that point will be unrecoverable and that'll be too bad but something I'll have to come to terms with. When we didn't speak for two months and then I later reinstated contact between us, I thought I wouldn't obsess over her and just accept her as a friend but I couldn't. It was fine for a while but soon got out of hand when I started getting paranoid when her replies took longer to arrive. There was this one time I saw her online but she hadn't replied to me yet and I sent her a message saying that she need not respond to my message because I thought she thought it was stupid and really irritated her. (though she didn't explicitly show it) I don't think the two of us can get back to being friends any time soon because I still have issues. Which I'm trying to overcome. Probably would never be able to be friends with her again but that's fine...sort of...not really, actually...but I have to accept reality nevertheless.

 

[Grayman]

Seems everyone else has stated what I would have already and more.

One thing though is the self acceptance and emotional control...

You've already committed to acceptance once. When I pointed out the girl not being who you think she is and you accepted the fact that you are creating this image, you committed to self acceptance. I stated something negative about you, in a way, and you probably felt better afterward when you stopped fighting with yourself. It is not about esteem. It is not about being better or good at something. I isn't confidence. It is better than confidence and makes confidence irrelevant. It is about removing the struggle within yourself as accepting what you know already to be true. It is about emotionally accepting you have value beyond all that and that there are more important things than these small negative ideas you have of yourself.

Religion gave me a new understanding of how emotions work. People have many different beliefs and in different gods. They have emotional attachments to these gods even though they all cannot exist. How do they get so emotional about something that does not exist? Perception is why. They believe or accept a concept of this reality. How this concept relates to them is what triggers the emotions.

It is false to assume that emotions are a result of reality and situation. Emotions are simply your body telling you what is happening and how what you value is being affected. It is a response to tell you what to do about a situation. A lot of times it tells you to do something you know would be bad. Someone might tell you to express your feelings but you know the results could be negative. Expression through talking is not bad. Expression through action could be bad. So how do you deal with it if you cannot express? We all know bottling it up is bad.


PERCEPTIONS: (Altering perceptions to change desires and values)
One method is you change your perceptions of the situation. If you want a cigarette, you don't say "Cigarettes are bad" 50 times because you are still thinking about a cigarette. You don't want to think about cigaretts at all. You instead give your mind a new problem to solve. Maybe building a new character on a game you play.
Another method is to convince yourself that the cigarettes taste bad by examining the taste thoroughly searching for what you don't like. Feel and concentrate on all the feelings that it gives you that you don't like. I discussed this about the girl earlier so I won't go into anymore detail.

Enhance those feelings by focusing on them. Continue doing this until you really start to notice this taste and the way it irritates your throat and cannot stand the cigarette. Exchange the cigarette with Desire and this is how you control the feelings of wanting anything. A job, a car, a person, a piece of candy, someone's attention, etc... To get rid of desire focus on hard on what makes the desire less desirable and exaggerate it with your imagination. You do have a good imagination don't you?

VALUES
All your emotions are a reflection of what you value. If you value intelligence you might feel inadequate when you focus on things where you had some ignorance. The feeling is silly because we all have a large amount of ignorance. Would you judge me for not knowing something? Could I possibly know everything? You have to realize that there are more important things in the world than intelligence. You have to accept it emotionally and believe it. You have to understand that you are focusing only on one side and not on the truth. You are not focusing on what you do know. You must accept both the knowledge and the ignorance to accept your intelligence as it is. A person who values intelligence can have a number of emotions associated with it. When their intelligence is questioned they could get angry. Angry is a reaction of the body to protect something you value. If someone is smarter than you, you might envy them. If you lost a piece of your intelligence in an accident you would feel a sense of loss and sadness. You can get over this sadness by finding something else more important. If you completed a task that seems like a thought provoking task you would feel satisfied and more confident.
IF you did not value intelligence you would feel none of these things good or bad. You would have little to no emotion associated to how your intelligence was viewed or how it was used. So is it worth valuing? Does it serve a greater purpose in life? Does the value a perfect woman serve a greater purpose? Should you value it? How do(did) you remove value from that perfect woman? You have to learn to accept it.

Next time you get upset about something. Determine the 'value' and decide if is a value you want to keep.

UNDERSTANDING:
Understanding is my passion. It is my obsession. I recently realized that my passions are not defined by a job, career or any particular topic. It is not defined by a person either. This obsession is healthy for me. It is an obtainable,if only in part, value that I have. It is also the key to acceptance and happiness in my opinion.

It is seeing multiple possibilities and gaining these avenues through knowledge, wisdom and reason. It is seeing people as doing things for multiple reasons and accepting them all as possible outcomes. If a person calls you stupid, instead of getting upset, you try to understand them. You see that they are fallible. They have emotions that drive them to say things that they may not fully mean or understand. They may be suffering. What they say may not be valid. YOu realize that you may not know something and have given some impression in the lack of intelligence. You realize that because you may not be good at something, it does not mean you are not smart in other areas. You realize most of all that you don't really know why he said it and if it is true so you cannot come to a decision on how you should feel about it. You must ask for more information and you need to know his intentions of saying this. So ask....don't stew. Seek more clarification and try to understand him and not what he said. When you know where he stands then you can examine the validity of what he said.

EXPRESSION:
To me this is simply feeding your perceptions and your understanding. This is telling your friend, whoever, why you are angry, upset, sad, happy, etc... She could tell you what she feels and what she thinks of you. This allows for a better understanding of who she is and how she feels about certain things. This allows you to perceive her faults and her blessings in new way.



This is mostly on controlling emotions in a more healthy way than holding it in. You basically choose how you want to feel by how you want to see the situation.

I don't know if it will help you and if I made it understandable but it is what works for me. It works very well and I can control my emotions and what I "want" to feel about something because I know that my mind and how it sees the world is what controls what I sense and see and taste and feel. If I am in control of my mind then I am control of these.


For me, understanding myself is the most important thing. I hope you choose it as your new obsession. It allows me to bring myself to my greatest potential. Once at that potential I will have much more choice in setting other realistic goals. There is no better place to start learning. I started when I was young in understanding my emotions. I then went to learning how I learn and think and began to study the mind and that is how I found myself here on the INTP forum.

I hope I did not write too much I perhaps it will make you feel better about how much you write. I imagine that you are partially writing so much because it makes you feel better. I have enjoyed our discussion.

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Thank you for your post, Grayman.

I'll jump straight in to values.

I do think there are things more important than intelligence. For example, would it be better to be happy and ignorant or intelligent and depressed? I don't really have an answer to that question. I suppose it goes back to what you value, doesn't it? For all my life, I've valued intelligence highly so for me even the awareness that I'm not intelligent causes me to be upset. Which is where what you wrote on perception comes in. How do I change my perception of things so that I don't value intelligence as highly as other traits? I suppose that's a question only I can answer.

I didn't always value intelligence this highly. I don't think I really cared back when I was in primary school. Things mainly started going in a different direction with respect to my perception or value of intelligence when I was fourteen. I had a teacher who would always praise me and read my essays out in class. Not only my essays, she'd basically read out the good ones. But it filled me with such happiness and joy to see my work being appreciated. No one else before that had done so, not really. She also called me a highly bright/brilliant child in front of my parents. I recall that I was on the verge of being in tears and I had to face the other way so that no one could tell how I was feeling. She also made us read a book and I was pretty much the only one in class who was really excited about the book and would always answer the questions and no one else really bothered do. My teacher got angry at the class and said to them that I was the only normal one around. Everyone, even my parents and relatives always thought I was a little weird or at least socially awkward so hearing that from the teacher was like-I don't know, it felt really good. It's not like she was the only teacher who praised my work but she was the first to regard me as positively as she did.

I'd like to add that I too regard understanding as highly as you do. I was always very curious about the world around me and myself as well. But I suppose that while you have focused on trying to understand yourself, I have focused more on understanding the external world. Or maybe not. I got interested in psychology because I wanted to understand myself better. Psychology is one of my interests although not my main one. I think at this point it's worth noting that I'm quite a narcissistic person. When I read fiction, I enjoy the work best if the characters are ones who are like me in some way. Or at least my perception of me or whom I'd like to be. Maybe that's true for everyone. I don't know, I haven't really asked around.

I think one of the things I need to do is start paying more attention to people rather than treat them as objects to bounce my thoughts and feelings off of. I have to start trying to understand them. Trying to see where they are coming from. Sadly, I've never really taken an interest in people but have always wanted people to take interest in me. I must change that. I don't think I understand anyone, not even my parents. Maybe that's why I'm unable to type them because I'm at a loss as to what functions they use more than others. The world doesn't work that way. If I want people to take an interest in me, I too should take an interest in them. Now that I've verbalized my realization, I wonder if that'll have any impact on how I see people.

All in all, I found your post to be extremely insightful and will read it a few more times to properly grok the messages in them. Thank you.

 

[Variform]

So I'll be moving on to university next
So...I was wondering what advice you guys might have on this issue.

Thanks.

I am not sure I am like you. What do you mean by "infatuated"?

 

[Variform]

Focus on the things you find unattractive no matter how small or insignificant.

There are none in my case. What do you suggest now Einstein

 

[Variform]

May I ask if you are close to friends and/or family members?

I remember having the same issues when I was a bit younger. My counselor said that it seems that my emotional attachments become way too focused on just one person. Being able to "distribute" such attachments to many people seems to dampen the effects of infatuations.

I still get infatuated with girls but I find it much easier to let such feelings go.

So what did she say to deal with it?

 

[Variform]

You are just wasting your time when there are many other equally less than perfect woman out there for you to pawn over.

I don't think you get it. That is not how it works. AFter reading more about the OP I can tell you, I understand it maybe better than anyone. I am the King of Regrets.

It is not like she is the only one in the whole world that you will be able to have a serious connection with. Apparently she is one of the few you cannot have. How many woman are there in the world and how many of those woman have you met in your life?

Nope, you definitely don't get it.

You need to find something to do with your life and concentrate on that. Make that your new obsession.

Nah, you don't get it.

 

[Variform]

Like many of the people have posted, there will be more people (better people) in which you could spend your life with. And besides, having a relationship with someone isn't 'all that' and is extremely hard work.

Yeah but if you never had a relationship you rather have those 'problems' than not.

You won't be able to just 'snap' your fingers and get over infatuation, you are going to have to first detach permanently from that person, and let the turmoil of your feelings settle. It's going to take a little while, just bite the bullet and hang on. It gets easier, and easier in time, and soon, your thoughts become a bit more rational, logical, and clearer.

No if he is like me, that won't happen. Not everyone is alike you know. Not every person's Fe is similar.

For me it never gets any better. It makes me have suicidal ideation. I have never gotten a handle on this and I don't think I can. It is not just infatuation.

If I understand him, if I do, there is no choice to be made here.

At this point, you have to gain a better relationship with yourself. It's easy to see your own weaknesses, but you can also capitalize on your strengths. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses.

It is more than a weakness. This is a fundamental aspect of his Fe. If I get him right. I know this, I live this every day. I cry about it.

Some girls never go away. This is not infatuation, this connects to the very core of his being I bet. This is the primary libido with the force of 10.000 nuclear weapons driving forward. I know this because I felt such force. It is no less than an atomic explosion every second.

Don't ask em to explain, but I doubt anyone would. Just consider for a moment what the energy is of a human consciousness. What it is is, it is primordial attention driven by the deepest fundamental need for love in the most pure way in its most innocent idealism.

Some guys, like me, have that going. There is no escape from it. We have a capacity for love unmatched, period. It doesn't sleight of hand around sticking to the surface of the little things anyone may like about another. It doesn't nitpick about silly matters. It is this cosmological constant that connects up to a single person and then the universe is bound to the laws of Fe bitch slapping you around that you are now in its domain.

Rationality has no bearing on it. It serves its own will.

This, and some other things you said, seems to stem from an irrational belief that you are not intelligent or capable. You probably imagine all the things you "can't" do, and can list a bunch of your shortcomings, but I encourage you to change your perspective. Think about who you are, and what you have had success with. Remind yourself, that even though you may not do the things you see other's doing, you still do have unique talents and gifts, and mention to yourself the things you have done well. Try to find other self-defeating beliefs of yourself, and try to realistically challenge them. Don't depend on people to help you with this, the power to gain self-confidence has to come from yourself. People will have a much different perspective of you, if you change how you see yourself.

No no no! This is all wrong. You cannot lift yourself up by your own hair. I have never been able to. There si no such thing as power to change when you are like this.

How you see yourself has no relevance to it. There is no control over this.

If you can live harmoniously with yourself, and accept and like yourself for who you really are (shortcomings and your strengths) then you are ready for the next step: working at making and maintaining friends.

It hurts to read all this.

I can't read anymore it is too much.

 

[Pyropyro]

So what did she say to deal with it?

Uh distribute such attachments to different persons?

 

[Variform]

I do think there are things more important than intelligence. For example, would it be better to be happy and ignorant or intelligent and depressed? I don't really have an answer to that question. I suppose it goes back to what you value, doesn't it? For all my life, I've valued intelligence highly so for me even the awareness that I'm not intelligent causes me to be upset. Which is where what you wrote on perception comes in. How do I change my perception of things so that I don't value intelligence as highly as other traits? I suppose that's a question only I can answer.

I like intelligence very much. I am not happy with my IQ. It is above average, but I wish I had more of it. I get upset about that, pissed off. It is not as if we want to be better than others, we juyst feel we would understand more for our own sake. Is this true for you?

And we appreciate other things, like love and happiness. I bet you like that more than intelligence. If you could choose between true love or high IQ, you would go for the first.

suppose that while you have focused on trying to understand yourself, I have focused more on understanding the external world. Or maybe not. I got interested in psychology because I wanted to understand myself better.

I know. And you got this interest because you are intelligent and see connections quicker than most people in school. And because you felt different because of that and the bullying, you sought to understand what you were, right?

Psychology is one of my interests although not my main one. I think at this point it's worth noting that I'm quite a narcissistic person. When I read fiction, I enjoy the work best if the characters are ones who are like me in some way. Or at least my perception of me or whom I'd like to be. Maybe that's true for everyone. I don't know, I haven't really asked around.

It is not narcissism. It is coping with the fact you cannot find the ideal love connection with a girl. It is compensation.

I do it too you know. I insert myself in every book I read as a character. Since I read mostly fantasy I am always part of the group of hero's. I don't connect to traits of characters. I go in completely, as if the story is a role playing game. I then read and put the book aside and fantasize sometimes for hours on my role and my relatrion with the characters and the part I play is always the supporting hero.

There are even rules involved. E.g. I cannot kill the main bad guy, because I am an outsider to every world I visit. I am just a background character like a roadie and if there are some evil creatures to be killed, I support them, but I never make a difference to the story.

We do this not because we are narcissists but because we have great difficulty connecting to people, let alone connect to that girl you desperately love. It is not infatuation my friend, it is the primordial genetic evolutionary momentum to find a mate, the drive of life itself. To keep up surging in this tidal wave we feel the need to be hero's. To have the best character traits we read in people in books. Because a hero is equal to the difficulties on his path. We connect to those people and they become scaffolds.

We project ourself into those characters because we want to live through them to find the perfect girl or to still the roaring sea of emotions for the one we cannot get.

"On the stormy sea of moving emotion,
tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean."
-- Kansas - Carry On my Wayward Son

I think one of the things I need to do is start paying more attention to people rather than treat them as objects to bounce my thoughts and feelings off of. I have to start trying to understand them.

And you will fail. Because understanding has no relevance to these feelings. If you are like me that is. I pray to Thor you are not. Can one learn to deal with this power? I have not found a way.

Trying to see where they are coming from. Sadly, I've never really taken an interest in people but have always wanted people to take interest in me. I must change that. I don't think I understand anyone, not even my parents. Maybe that's why I'm unable to type them because I'm at a loss as to what functions they use more than others. The world doesn't work that way. If I want people to take an interest in me, I too should take an interest in them. Now that I've verbalized my realization, I wonder if that'll have any impact on how I see people.

If you can I beg you to do that. Can you talk to girls? You may be redeemed. If you cannot, prepare for pain and a miserable life.

 

[Variform]

Uh distribute such attachments to different persons?

And how did she say to do that?

 

[Grayman]

Some girls never go away. This is not infatuation, this connects to the very core of his being I bet. This is the primary libido with the force of 10.000 nuclear weapons driving forward. I know this because I felt such force. It is no less than an atomic explosion every second.

Don't ask em to explain, but I doubt anyone would. Just consider for a moment what the energy is of a human consciousness. What it is is, it is primordial attention driven by the deepest fundamental need for love in the most pure way in its most innocent idealism.

Some guys, like me, have that going. There is no escape from it. We have a capacity for love unmatched, period. It doesn't sleight of hand around sticking to the surface of the little things anyone may like about another. It doesn't nitpick about silly matters. It is this cosmological constant that connects up to a single person and then the universe is bound to the laws of Fe bitch slapping you around that you are now in its domain.

Rationality has no bearing on it. It serves its own will.

This isn't love. Its obsession. What is the fundemaental need in yourself that leads you to this obsession? What is it that you see in the woman that seems so amazing? It is not just sex appeal it is something within youself. It does not actually come from her but it is something you see. It is something you placed on her. What is it and what does it have to offer you? What have you been missing your whole life?

 

[Pyropyro]

And how did she say to do that?

Dude, establishing attachment to people is just making friends. There's no special formula that I have to learn from a counselor to do that. You know it's kind of frustrating that you ask the same basic questions over and over again without giving me feedback if you actually tested it IRL or at least played with disproving/proving the idea.

It is more than a weakness. This is a fundamental aspect of his Fe. If I get him right. I know this, I live this every day. I cry about it.

Some girls never go away. This is not infatuation, this connects to the very core of his being I bet. This is the primary libido with the force of 10.000 nuclear weapons driving forward. I know this because I felt such force. It is no less than an atomic explosion every second.

Don't ask em to explain, but I doubt anyone would. Just consider for a moment what the energy is of a human consciousness. What it is is, it is primordial attention driven by the deepest fundamental need for love in the most pure way in its most innocent idealism.

Some guys, like me, have that going. There is no escape from it. We have a capacity for love unmatched, period. It doesn't sleight of hand around sticking to the surface of the little things anyone may like about another. It doesn't nitpick about silly matters. It is this cosmological constant that connects up to a single person and then the universe is bound to the laws of Fe bitch slapping you around that you are now in its domain.

Rationality has no bearing on it. It serves its own will.

Been there, it's just obsession and being horny. It's hard to escape it but it's not impossible. You just have to start building a life.

 

[Variform]

This isn't love. Its obsession. What is the fundemaental need in yourself that leads you to this obsession? What is it that you see in the woman that seems so amazing? It is not just sex appeal it is something within youself. It does not actually come from her but it is something you see. It is something you placed on her. What is it and what does it have to offer you? What have you been missing your whole life?

I talked about it in some of my posts. My mother told stories about her childhood, how she was mistreated by her parents and stories about her working 'career' as a typist. She was always the hero or the victim. Overbearing mother I think they call it in the usa.

My mother taught me how to fight. My father was a bad role model for a boy. In my mind, females became more than they are, dangerous, unapproachable, larger than life.

When I was in the last or second last class of grade school I fell in love, she didn't reciprocate. At that age, no wonder. But at least I let her know by writing a scented poem.

At 14 in high school I feel in love but by that time I had no means of approaching any girl. I was shy, insecure, didn't know what to say. And that never changed. And boy, I was in puberty, I wanted sex more than anything, but to be honest, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be with girls and explore my feelings I suppose.

For four years I looked at that girl in the hallways. It scarred me for life. I never reached emotional or whatever kind of maturity and I think inside I am still between 11 and 14.

I have a titanic ability to love. If I find the right woman. But I was 28 when I first had sex. For 14 years I hurt. I needed intimacy so badly. I am permanently damaged as a result, with regrets. I believe I would not be on this forum today had I been able to connect to girls back then.

Since 2003 I have refused all contact with my mother, after I finally understood through seeing a psychologist how badly I was treated in the family situation and my mother is largely to blame for all that went wrong in our dysfunctional family.

And now, after 14 years, strange how that number keeps appearing, me and my lady are done. She was my first, I have been with only one woman all my life. And with her I never really fell in love. We met in the loony bin, both high on drugs. The Paxil changed my personality so much I could suddenly talk to women. We hung out there, we became friends when we left the place. I was there because I was suicidally depressed and the main reason for that was because at work, which was hard enough for me as it was, there was a girl I fell in love with. And she was unavailable, in fact, gonna live with her boyfriend. It nearly killed me.

So I rolled into a relationship with my lady but I never felt the true love I felt with the high school girl. And the sex wasn't very good. I never had a true love I felt completely at easy with, I could explore fantasies with. My girlfriend was raped in her 20's and she never really got over it.

So talk about blooming and maturity to me... In some areas of my life I am far advanced, or so I delude myself. In others I am but a child.

All I want in life is true love, someone that loves me in the same way I love her, with an unearthly passion and with a surreal totality, that tells me she loves me so fucking much and is so crazy about me it makes her tear up.

"Juliet when we made love you used to cry
you said I love you like the stars above I'll love you till I die
-- Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet

Do you think this is a childish fantasy? Do I want an obsession? I am equal to it.

I'm in my 40's now. I am no Brad Pitt. I am no more than average looking, maybe below that. I still don't know how to talk to women. I am still shy and insecure and have anxieties. I may have Asperger or ADD, or just be en emotionally disturbed INTP and/or the victim of emotional and physical abuse as a kid. I may never find a true love.

And that is why I struggle with suicide. Maturity...blooming... I don't know what is really meant by that. So that is all I been missing. Where some people take this for granted, they may be INTP and have difficulties, they are not emotionally or psychologically scarred like me. I do not want to live another 40 years without having true love.

When I fall in love it tunes me into regrets. The dyke breaks and there is no stopping it, no holding it back, there is nothing to channel. It engulfs me so totally it is like psychosis. I have no defense and no resistance. It is a sea of fire and it burns the soul. And it seems that hope is what keeps the fire lit. The fire that burns me because I cannot share it with anyone. It is a nuclear blast ever second, the very lifeforce at the core of my being channeled through the primordial sexual drive straight into the heart of God in a pillar of light as bright as ten thousand suns.

Falling in love is really bad for me. It kills me every time a little more. And I will not live another 40 years without it and since I see no improvement, I am not getting younger, I get older, less desirable and less a ctach that I never was to begin with...I rather be dead.

And it is not so bad to be dead. It is not I don't like life. I never asked much of life. I do not wish a career, or be recognized for some ability, or be a famous writer, or be rich, yes I fantasize about being rich, who doesn't, but I'd give all that up for a real love with a girl. That is all I ever wanted. I' d sleep under a bride for the rest of my life just for a true romance. I guess it is too much to ask of the cosmos.

And I am tired of playing a losing game. I will go on after dead. If not, there is no point anyway. If there is, I might reincarnate, have another go. Maybe I'll find it in the next life. Or maybe I will be One again with god or consciousness or whatever have you.

 

[Variform]

Dude, establishing attachment to people is just making friends. There's no special formula that I have to learn from a counselor to do that. You know it's kind of frustrating that you ask the same basic questions over and over again without giving me feedback if you actually tested it IRL or at least played with disproving/proving the idea.

I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. It is just that I am desperately trying to find some kind of help and so if that counselor had some hands-on approach or tip I wanna know it, who knows, it could help.

It is not the same question but you gave the same answer.

Making friends? I cannot. I am too scared to go any place to make friends. I don't know how to overcome these fears. I don't think anybody is waiting for me to be their friend. I don't have that much to offer. I am intelligent and funny but also deeply scarred. I can be social, but only when I am more or less at easy when my girlfriend is around, or ex...now... :-(

Its her friends I met. Not my own. I used to have two close friends as a teen and in my 20's but one now lives in Brazil and the other dumped me when I got depressed and needed a buddy to call in case I felt suicidal urges.

Since then I have trust issue. I am afraid to go to a sports club or to a café or to any other place.

Been there, it's just obsession and being horny. It's hard to escape it but it's not impossible. You just have to start building a life.

I don't know if that is true. But I could use a life. But how. I could medicate myself again so I get high enough so I can talk to women. Or make friends. But it would be a lie. I am different on meds and they are dangerous because they take away inhibitions. The inhibitions that prevent me from going out and 'make friends' but also the ones that inhibit me hitting people and my impulse control is severely compromised too.

 

[Pyropyro]

I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. It is just that I am desperately trying to find some kind of help and so if that counselor had some hands-on approach or tip I wanna know it, who knows, it could help.

It is not the same question but you gave the same answer.

Making friends? I cannot. I am too scared to go any place to make friends. I don't know how to overcome these fears. I don't think anybody is waiting for me to be their friend. I don't have that much to offer. I am intelligent and funny but also deeply scarred. I can be social, but only when I am more or less at easy when my girlfriend is around, or ex...now... :-(

Its her friends I met. Not my own. I used to have two close friends as a teen and in my 20's but one now lives in Brazil and the other dumped me when I got depressed and needed a buddy to call in case I felt suicidal urges.

Since then I have trust issue. I am afraid to go to a sports club or to a café or to any other place.

Apologies as well, perhaps I overacted. I had another run in with another INTPf member who asks the same themed questions but never implemented any advice (from various forum members) IRL.

The thing about fear is that you have to face it sooner or later. Sometimes I burn my bridges just so I can't retreat out of fear. For example, I was scared of getting hurt but I sank a sizable amount in my martial arts tuition so the miser in me won't have any of the fear crap.

I don't know if that is true. But I could use a life. But how. I could medicate myself again so I get high enough so I can talk to women. Or make friends. But it would be a lie. I am different on meds and they are dangerous because they take away inhibitions. The inhibitions that prevent me from going out and 'make friends' but also the ones that inhibit me hitting people and my impulse control is severely compromised too.

I have no experience in medications so I can't help you there. I've seen the adderall/ritalin thread, perhaps the posters there can share their insights on the matter?

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

Hi Variform.

I'm still young so maybe, hopefully, someday, for me, things might change. Hopefully I'll get over my desire to be loved and to have attention directed at me and I'll be able to focus on other things.

But yet, I don't really know what I would focus on. Hmm...

Of course, that's only how it stands right now. I've stopped thinking about things, sort of. I don't feel sad about it though. Just that sometimes it seems as if there's nothing to do.

In any case, I'm going to work hard at trying to change who I am right now and strive to become someone whom I'd consider to be better. We'll see how it goes.

Hope things work out for you too.

 

[peoplesuck]

never had this problem but i suggest looking down when you walk and stay focused in school.

 

[StevenM]

@Variform & Rudolph

Please excuse my ignorance. I had no idea that the severity of the situation was that large. I also noticed that I do have that problem of assuming too much similarities between myself and other people. I have been in a rough situation with the emotions of love before, and the description you both expressed of the turmoil inside, did strike a resemblance.

I am a little bit lucky, in a way, because I find I only get romantically attracted to about 1 out of a hundred people (maybe, even less).

It would be interesting to explore the differences between us. Why is it that this turmoil only lasts, at worst, two months for me, and with you, a prolonged while longer? Also, I feel very content spending the rest of my life without a romantic partner (this is not because I hate being with people, and also, I am not emotionally detached). I think that there must be something helpful found in the differences between your loneliness, and my lack of it.

 

[StevenM]

I have some more thoughts:

Psychologists, and therapists, have noticed awhile ago, that two people experiencing the same event, can have two very different psychological outcomes. For instance, in a very frightening plane crash, there was two survivors. One of the survivors, eventually managed to resolve her emotions and feelings after the crash on her own. The other survivor could not manage his feelings, and went on with emotional trauma. Both people experienced the same terrifying event.

The psychologist and therapists have found that a big difference between the two people, was their core assumptions and beliefs. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been used, and has successfully helped many people change their perception and beliefs, and thus helped manage emotions and anxiety.

So I'm guessing, (just guessing), that there is one differing core belief, between people who are very lonely, and people who are very content being by themselves. And I'm thinking that it sounds like this:

"I cannot be happy, unless I have someone to share my life with".

I think it might be helpful to really question that belief. Pick it apart, and actually get a realistic perspective of it.

In my opinion, even if you are to get into a romantic relationship, it is very important that you can hold your own, and that your happiness is not entirely dependent on that other person. You should be able to be content, even without that person. It's normal to miss someone you love, and it's also very natural to feel grief for a person, but eventually, your own emotional resilience and independence should be able to get you through.

 

[Grayman]

"I cannot be happy, unless I have someone to share my life with".

"I have no purpose if I have no one to live for. What would be the purpose if the world consisted of just me?"

The second part is valid but it is false to assume that it validates the first. The assumption here is that we are to find purpose in just one person and that purpose only comes from outside of onself. Health always thrives through moderation.

 

[StevenM]

"I have no purpose if I have no one to live for. What would be the purpose if the world consisted of just me?"

The second part is valid but it is false to assume that it validates the first. The assumption here is that we are to find purpose in just one person and that purpose only comes from outside of onself. Health always thrives through moderation.

I apologize, I'm picking through this, and I can't seem to grasp what you are getting at. I'm not even sure if what you wrote was directed to me.