Admittedly the micropenis thing was a gimmick to get more views, and unfortunately it worked pretty well. I've posted ~3 non-gimmick threads here and there in these last few days and none of them got any replies. It frustrates me and I wind up trying to make a scene just to be heard. People's heads turn when they hear anything about sex, genitals, etc. In some sense people are easy to play. Usually I just can't bring myself to do it.
On youtube I have been liking their new comment system, but by the same token it has shown me something annoying. Sometimes I post short one-liners about the video I watched, and sometimes I will get notifications for weeks telling me people are +1ing those comments. On the other hand sometimes I take the time to write a thoughtful comment where I feel I make a really good point, and no one ever +1 or comments on those. After 30 or more +1's to some shallow sex-joke and 0 responses to an insightful comment (or thread), I just start to hate people. This can give me a sort of ironic/cynical tone when I post; I want to offend people's sensibilities and make them feel kinda stupid at the same time.
At this point it is hard to know what to do. There isn't much of a point in posting threads or comments no one reads or responds to (but you are right, I feel bad about if someone with a micropenis actually did read that thread, even if I was kind of in support of it. I was still kind of using it for comedy too). I don't just want to never talk to anyone though. That is kind of how it is winding up, though.
IRL is even worse. It's not that I am shy or awkward, I'm not. Problem #1 is that I refuse to (and can't) stoop to the level of cliche. I can't stand "following" and I hate it when people do or say something because it is popular to. That rules me out of a lot of subtle things, but on the macroscale it means things like I can never go to church and I can't stand watching or talking about sports and I hate weddings. Just a couple examples. It's not that I'm shy, it's that I'm alienated. I reject a lot of this culture's values. I value knowledge and understanding above all else, and it seems like others value socialization, experience, etc - things I am not primarily concerned with. That's just Ti/Fe, plain and simple. Some INTPs aren't even that bad off, it seems like. Me? It really is kind of like I have micro-Fe, and the effect, isolation, is ultimately the same as (or at least I can make the case that it is similar as) it is for micropenis.
Honestly it is like missing a sense organ. Sometimes it fleetingly occurs to me just how differently people see the world than I do. I can't fix my brain on it, though. It is like lifting a massive object. Very unnatural. Have to revert back to rest-state shortly. Mostly in my life it has left me completely dumbfounded. By my standards I am an interesting and friendly person; I could not understand my failure in relationships at all. What interests me, though, doesn't interest others. We just don't click. I think I have truly clicked with precisely 1 person in my life, an ISTP I knew in college whose Fe was probably more micro than even mine.
For most of my life, actually, I put up a social front and faked it in relationships, so I had a pretty normal amount of friends but I never felt close to them. In all honesty even having them was a burden that I carried on because I thought people had to have friends. I'm getting too tired to carry it on, though. As I have stopped communicating with the friends who I never wanted to communicate with anyway, they have not been replaced by new ones who I actually do enjoy. Now I am virtually alone, and I do not wish it were like that. I just wish there were some more people like me in this world.
Even on internet forums I am always an outsider. Sure, I could click on those chit-chatty 'let's have fun / get to know you' type threads, and I could make an effort to become included, but like I said it is just like lifting something really heavy. I can do it, but not for long. Truth is, connection kind of happens naturally between people. Having to try brings mediocre success. Even if I were somehow able to try for more than a few weeks people still wouldn't be that crazy about me. Sincerity is better than anything forced. There have been periods of weeks, sometimes even a couple months in my life where I pushed HARD at fitting in, did the absolute best I knew how to do. The inevitable result, from what I have seen, is like Newton's 3rd law. Eventually I will collapse, and the harder I tried the harder I collapse.
Now, in a sense, is the collapse of a whole life. I have once and for all realized that my efforts mean nothing. It's not about effort. It's about me getting the wrong genes or something, dealt the wrong hand. I'm some alien. I am apparently doomed to be a loner. My only hope is technology. Maybe one day there will be a drug for this condition that will make it like I have taken MDMA or smoked weed, but without the side effects of having taken a recreational drug. Right now I am wondering if I should try to get an ADD medication, but I have serious qualms. For one, I feel like it would be expensive. Also, I shutter at the possible side effects. Third, it might be kind of a vicious circle. I have ADD, so I don't treat it, and I don't treat it, so I have it.
The point is, I do empathize with people who have micropenises, and honestly if I had to choose between what I have and a micropenis, I guess I would choose what I have, but really the only difference would be the penis itself. The isolation is the same. Hey, I didn't lose my virginity until 25, and I have maybe had sex like 10 times. For all intents and purposes, that is nothing. And it is also quite isolating in itself. It was painful and weird to have gone 25 years while others had been banging like rabbits for the better parts of their lives. When I finally had sex, I only did it to get it done and when the person found out I had been a virgin, it (perhaps understandbly) ruined everything. Later on I found someone I actually did like having sex with, but because of my special brand of retardation, I couldn't keep a relationship together. I was crushed. Like I said in the micropenis thread, I have only had 2, maybe 3 relationships in my life, and none of them have lasted more than a couple months. Despite my efforts and desires!
A couple things make the inherent problem even worse. First, going along with the above, is that my reality is more and more divergent. I find less common ground with people than the tiny bit I had originally. I can't talk about these experiences they can, having failed to have them. Second, the issue of blame. It was bad enough that I spent most of my life blaming myself for what I couldn't change and repeatedly straining myself to the point of injury in efforts to do what couldn't be done. Worse, others look down on it and think I am intentionally lazy, a jerk, who knows, without even getting to know or understand me. Even as I make these full arguments, there are always people who respond telling me variations of I'm not trying hard enough or I am selfish or whatever.
I just hope one day the truth comes out, I really do. I have tried unbelievably hard and it just isn't in me. For now, then, it's kind of like I have a choice between happiness and survival. For the last year, I have chosen happiness. I could feel bad, but I spend my time reading and writing and doing things I like to do. It drowns out the pain. I don't have a job, though, and soon enough I'll start running out of money and getting older and realities will dawn. I'm going to have to face the music and find some way to support myself, even though I really feel like life won't be worth living. It never was. The difference is, before I always had hope things would change. Now I don't.
Well, technology I guess. And that's why my purpose in life is to try to help usher it in. The one thing I worry about is that people will use it for evil. My even more important concern, then, is rationality and I think the first step in that process is the end of religion and superstition.
And that's a chunk of who I am and why. Take it or leave it I guess.