Realising that your life is a Lie.

[lenh]

Ok, I am new in the forum. But I will start saying that english is not my native language so my post will be really bad in grammar

I really needed to post this. It is a problem that I had to face a while ago. The funny thing is that I can only tell this on the internet.
I am 19 years old now, and I will talk about my life a bit, introducing the problem.
(I didn't know I was an introvert (INTP) until 6 months ago)


I was always a quiet kid in the school. But that didn't bothered me because I was young and naive. The teachers thought I had some kind of mental disturb, because I never played with the other kids. I had a few close friends, but I was happy.
In high school the things started to get bad. My nickname was Olive Oil (does not mix).
People told me that I had no emotions. I needed to talk more, go to parties, get drunk. Those things started to mess with my head, I thought that a had a serious problem with shyness, and by thinking of that, I was becoming more shy.
So I decided I needed to follow my " friends' " advice. I made extroverted friends, I tried to go in the parties, tried to talk to women that I didn't know (It didn't worked)..

To resume it all...

I didn't know that I was introverted, I thought I was just really shy. So I started to "live" like an extroverted.

So all my friends and almost all the people that I knew, thought I was that other guy.
I even cried after parties alone in my bed because I couldn't be "normal" like the other people. I started to feel depressed. I went to germany for one year, tried to find myself, but I was the same when I got back.
With the time I accepted this, that I was just "different".

Now I am in the college, I am doing what I like, but the problem is that I have no real friends. My "best" friends are from high school, but now I know that I can't hold a conversation with them for even a short time. When they do things together, I go along, but I don't feel confortable. And I can't tell them this, that all the things that I used to do, now I don't do them anymore. I don't feel close to them. So I just act when I am with them.
And now I see, my life is a lie, until now. I'm in a crossroad in my life. I can choose to still live my life as always, or start living like the real me (an INTP). But I am afraid to choose the second path, because I am afraid of being lonely. Not lonely like I spend my weekends, but lonely in my life. I don't know if I will find friends like me, and thought about this is painful.

I would really like to know if someone passed through this before, and what you did.

 

[lenh]

My writing is really bad, sorry about that.

 

[Moocow]

Hanging around a lot of extroverts, engaging them in a way that barely skims the surface of what I'd really like, only ever made me feel lonelier. And yet, being truly alone has never phased me. It's quite pleasant to find one doesn't actually have any negative judgments or strained needs to demand of one's self!
Try everything out that you can muster the courage for, and see what fits most comfortably. If you haven't been alone much then it may take some time and a change of environment to really understand the appeal.

By the way, there are much more profound and shocking ways in which you might discover that your life is a lie. I think the supply of inherent lies embedded by both society and our biological nature is seemingly endless. Just enjoy the ride and don't worry too much about how wrong you were, just how truthful you could be.

 

[lenh]

This thought only come in the weekends, that is because I used to go out always, but now I like to stay alone. And it brings a guilty thought.
Also my parents call me saturday night to see if I am in a party. That is really depressing. I don't know what to say to them.

 

[Moocow]

This thought only come in the weekends, that is because I used to go out always, but now I like to stay alone. And it brings a guilty thought.
Also my parents call me saturday night to see if I am in a party. That is really depressing. I don't know what to say to them.

The pressure from others never goes away, but your ability to recognize it, and justify yourself against it, can only strengthen. Don't let other people tell you how to spend your time, and how to choose your lifestyle. Especially, don't let others tell you how to feel about yourself.

The choice to accept solitude is not a shameful one. The ability to make that decision for yourself deserves respect. What do you say? Say what you honestly think, and make sure you are ready to defend it.
If you have to be spiteful towards the kind of guilt that people will push upon you for making your own choices, so be it. There's motivation in that.

 

[Words]

Also my parents call me saturday night to see if I am in a party. That is really depressing. I don't know what to say to them.

hahaha. misunderstandings are funny. My case isn't really like yours. It's not really about "extroversion" in general, it's what to extrovert about. I can't extrovert for things I consider mundane such as daily events, or common personal lives, or parties whose purpose are for pure sensations. But I do extrovert for things that I like: encountering oddities, intellectual discourse, random ideas, novel perspectives etc. I guess "nerd" somewhat fits those preferences. So, can you see yourself as a "nerd" in the midst of other "nerdlings"? Or you know, solitude is pretty cool too.

 

[lenh]

Some part of me just holds me back, I know it is wrong. The first step is hard to take.
I still care much about what other people think, and that is the problem.

What do you say? Say what you honestly think, and make sure you are ready to defend it.

I will say this to my parents next time I see them.
It is really hard to think when your distorced emotional side is up.

I appreciate your comments.

 

[lenh]

hahaha. misunderstandings are funny. My case isn't really like yours. It's not really about "extroversion" in general, it's what to extrovert about. I can't extrovert for things I consider mundane such as daily events, or common personal lives, or parties whose purpose are for pure sensations. But I do extrovert for things that I like: encountering oddities, intellectual discourse, random ideas, novel perspectives etc. I guess "nerd" somewhat fits those preferences. So, can you see yourself as a "nerd" in the midst of other "nerdlings"? Or you know, solitude is pretty cool too.

Yes, you are just like me
The problem is that I realised this just now. And all my friends are not like that. If I tell them that I don't want to go saturday night to a party and stay home playing games, thay will laugh at me.
But I still did not find these kind of friends (nerdy), and that is when my fear comes up. To change my old life into a new one. (this guilty though never goes away)

By the way, I expressed myself wrong in the post. I don't mean all the extroverts, but the stereotypical ones. (I don't know if you get me).

 

[Words]

If you want motivation to change, then just look at things like they're experiments or that everything is fun and games. Any sort of fear disappears when you stop taking things seriously. At least, this is how I personally motivate myself when attempting something radical.

 

[Coolydudey]

If you decide to hide the "real you" and pretend whenever you are around friends, life is gonna be terrible. You're always gonna feel misunderstood, and if you ever want to talk about something serious with your friends, you won't be able to because they only know the "fake you". Plus, as an introvert, trying to be an extrovert will be REALLY draining... You might end up developing a two-personality disorder...

My suggestion is be yourself (maybe you mistyped as an INTP, that's not a problem), and things will sort themselves out. If you want to meet some friends that will understand you, pick someone not very extroverted, and start talking about a topic that interests you both (video games for example). This should get you talking pretty fluently, and I find that once you get past that stage, it's much easier.

 

[lenh]

If you decide to hide the "real you" and pretend whenever you are around friends, life is gonna be terrible. You're always gonna feel misunderstood, and if you ever want to talk about something serious with your friends, you won't be able to because they only know the "fake you". Plus, as an introvert, trying to be an extrovert will be REALLY draining... You might end up developing a two-personality disorder...

My suggestion is be yourself (maybe you mistyped as an INTP, that's not a problem), and things will sort themselves out. If you want to meet some friends that will understand you, pick someone not very extroverted, and start talking about a topic that interests you both (video games for example). This should get you talking pretty fluently, and I find that once you get past that stage, it's much easier.

You are right, when I come back from a weekend with my friends and lock myself in my room is so realiving.
Do you think I am not an INTP? I made a lot of tests, two of them I got INTJ, wich I am not, and the rest INTP.
Wich personality do you think I have?

 

[lenh]

If you want motivation to change, then just look at things like they're experiments or that everything is fun and games. Any sort of fear disappears when you stop taking things seriously. At least, this is how I personally motivate myself when attempting something radical.

haha. I think I need to try this method.

 

[Coolydudey]

You are right, when I come back from a weekend with my friends and lock myself in my room is so realiving.
Do you think I am not an INTP? I made a lot of tests, two of them I got INTJ, wich I am not, and the rest INTP.
Wich personality do you think I have?

What I'm saying is that unless you go see a psychologist or research it extensively,there is a possibility of a slight mistype, but it doesn't matter in this case, it's the introverted part we're interested in...

 

[Ruvr]

Or you know, solitude is pretty cool too.

Haaaa...how true~
I can't see why you'd be afraid of being lonely. You haven't even tried, right? From what I read on the above post of yours, you seem to try to do what is 'expected' of you, being extroverted, going to parties, pleasing everyone, etc...just...try to find a time alone for a change.

I mean, really alone.
In a place where only you [among close friends/family/dormmates] know about it.
Take a moment to actually think and ponder about what YOU wanted to do, before all the forced extroversion/feeling/judging/whatever 'changed' you... came into your life.

Try it, and tell me if you don't find it comforting.
Actually, tell me anyway if you find it comforting.

 

[Cognisant]

Look for compatible people, the trick to that is uncompromisingly being yourself, just talk about stuff you want to talk about and you'll quickly find who shares your interests and who doesn't, and even if someone doesn't share your interests they'll respect you for who you are, the added benefit being that "odd" people are often introduced to each other by others, e.g. "Hey I know this guy like you" <- Bingo, and that's how you make use of vapid gossips.

 

[lenh]

Ruvr,

I actually tried, and yes, I feel awesome. It is somewhat relaxing. I feel is the only place I have freedom, that a can be de real me. I find myself almost everyday walking around the house talking to myself.
The two dormmates that I live to. One is an old friend, and he thinks I am the fake me. I like him, but he is constantly telling me that I am looking strange, I am not going out of my bedroom, staying awake til late hours. And I know I have to tell him what I really am. The other one I think is an INTJ or ISTJ. And looking at him and can somehow imagine what I look to others now.
I think with the time I will start to get used to, I will care less about what other people think.

Just for record,
When I was in Germany, I went to a gastfamily to live with. In the beginning I was starting to live with the real me, since I didn't know many people there, and didn't wanted to know more.
But that bothered them (my gastfamily), they were constantly telling me to get ou of my house, get out with my friends, I needed to interact more with the family. Then I started to become again the fake me.

 

[lenh]

Look for compatible people, the trick to that is uncompromisingly being yourself, just talk about stuff you want to talk about and you'll quickly find who shares your interests and who doesn't, and even if someone doesn't share your interests they'll respect you for who you are, the added benefit being that "odd" people are often introduced to each other by others, e.g. "Hey I know this guy like you" <- Bingo, and that's how you make use of vapid gossips.

I am starting to do this...
Now I know more people that like the same stuff, and think (almost) like me.
But still I feel really disconnected with them, but this will pass when I start to know them more. (I think)
The problem is that those people also are introverted, and I think a friendship with introverted people takes longer to form.
The bad thing is that I am still atracted by those "party" women. But when I get to know them, I find that they are really superficial*, then I just give up.

*by superficial I mean that they just chit chat, hate college classes, don't read, etc.
( I know I am generalising, there are exceptions.)

 

[typus]

/









everyone's life is a lie until they give a f

 

[lenh]

I don't know if the word generalising exists, ^^

 

[pernoctator]

The problem is that those people also are introverted, and I think a friendship with introverted people takes longer to form.

Maybe, but it also takes longer to lose them. People with smaller groups of friends are naturally more loyal to each of them.