quality of listening

[eudemonia]

What does it feel like to be listened to?

How well do you feel you are listened to by the people in your life?

What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?

Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?

 

[Vegard Pompey]

I feel like I have tons to say, but none who will listen. That's why forums are so great.

 

[snowqueen]

Interesting questions nia ...

1. It feels affirming and comforting. It feels like someone cares.

2. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who listen extremely well (a handy by product of working in health and social care)

3. The forum makes me feel listened to by people who empathise with me which means I feel deeply understood by relative strangers. I feel like I am listened to without judgement here. I'm sure you all have your opinions, of course!

4. Yes I hate talking to people who are clearly not listening.

 

[Sapphire Harp]

I remember encountering someone at college who I had never met during the course of the year who actively wanted to listen to me. I wound up talking with her at a year-end picnic and she was asking genuine questions and was willing to wait for answers...

It was honestly one of the most awkward and uncomfortable experiences I can remember... It was so unexpected and different it was worrying...

Also worrying was the fact that the whole community was about and doing whatever... Pretty much guaranteeing eavesdropping, and it being out of the norm helped to catch attention... Nothing became of it, but having a conversation with that feeling being watched is impossible, even if someone earnestly was willing to listen.

Honestly - the words I'd offer you to describe how it feels to be listened to... strange, unexpected, worrying, and awkward.
​

 

[eudemonia]

I feel like I have tons to say, but none who will listen. That's why forums are so great.

Me too. The trouble is that what I think about and how I think does not really resonate with anyone around me. For example, last night I was refreshing my memory about social constructionism, and it felt like I had understood it for the first time. It literally opened my eyes and I saw the world like I have never seen it before. it was really exciting for me - but no-one else was really interested. I think part of the problem is that I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts concisely because inwardly I am critiquing and commenting on my own words as I utter them. It's like having two conversations - the one I am saying and the one I am thinking.

Sapphire, from my perspective, I found your post disturbing. To experience being listened to as 'strange, worrying and awkward' implies that you are rarely, if ever, listened to. For me being listened to is almost the equivalent of being loved, a bit like Snowqueen has described it. Actuallly, my husband is a great listener, its just atm, he is away a lot and I am distracted with a new job. So we are ships passing...

I think the reason I keep coming back to the forum is because it gives me the opportunity to articulate thoughts and be listened to.

 

[flow]

I think part of the problem is that I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts concisely because inwardly I am critiquing and commenting on my own words as I utter them. It's like having two conversations - the one I am saying and the one I am thinking.

This is why I cannot for the life of me speak out loud in front of more than one person without becoming extremely, for lack of a better word, self-conscious. Granted, I'm ALWAYS self-conscious, but in front of groups my inner monologue outpaces my actually monologue, and I get caught up. The only way for me to effectively speak in front of people is to write down what I want to say and just read it. And if I'm just talking to a few friends I find that I'll say something, and then rephrase it, and then rephrase that... etc. It's hard because I'm trying to say it as eloquently and effectively as I can, and I usually can't do that on my first attempt. Te is the death of me. When I do find people listening to me, I just want to say whatever though it is that I had as quickly as I can, and then put the focus back on them.

 

[Thebhr]

First of all, this is a great topic Eudemonia!

I find that when people listen to what I'm saying it's somewhat comforting but not really what I'm looking for. More important for me, is not just that they're listening, but that they UNDERSTAND what I'm saying. I am very fortunate to have a friend that will listen to me very attentively, reguardless of what I have to say, whether it's a complex argument I'm trying to make or just how I've been recently. She also comprehends it and offers advice, opinions, ect. This is very important to me because it makes me feel as though all the work I put into the ideas I've had, isn't being wasted, but shared with others, so they might do something with it.

The biggest problem I have communicating verbally is trying to get a "single" idea across. All of my thoughts are tied together and trying to communicate one is like trying to pluck a single thread from a wadded up ball of yarn. When one starts to come out so do all of the others, which leads me to go off on tangents in mid sentence, often times ending up far away from the point I was trying to make. While I percieve these "extra" thoughts as necessary to comprehension, other's usually seem confused by them.

So in summary. Understanding listeners make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and typing my ideas is easier for me then saying them.

 

[snowqueen]

Honestly - the words I'd offer you to describe how it feels to be listened to... strange, unexpected, worrying, and awkward.
​

I'm with nia on this one - I find it extremely surprising you should say this - and makes me feel a bit sad.

I think part of the problem is that I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts concisely because inwardly I am critiquing and commenting on my own words as I utter them. It's like having two conversations - the one I am saying and the one I am thinking.

Granted, I'm ALWAYS self-conscious, but in front of groups my inner monologue outpaces my actually monologue, and I get caught up. The only way for me to effectively speak in front of people is to write down what I want to say and just read it. And if I'm just talking to a few friends I find that I'll say something, and then rephrase it, and then rephrase that... etc. It's hard because I'm trying to say it as eloquently and effectively as I can, and I usually can't do that on my first attempt. Te is the death of me. When I do find people listening to me, I just want to say whatever though it is that I had as quickly as I can, and then put the focus back on them.

I still have this a bit but it was paralysing when I was younger. I used buddhist mindfulness to overcome this though and I still find it the most effective way of quieting the narrator. Simply noticing the narration and letting it go over and over again. I still find myself needing to clarify and re-clarify though.

I find that when people listen to what I'm saying it's somewhat comforting but not really what I'm looking for. More important for me, is not just that they're listening, but that they UNDERSTAND what I'm saying. I am very fortunate to have a friend that will listen to me very attentively, reguardless of what I have to say, whether it's a complex argument I'm trying to make or just how I've been recently. She also comprehends it and offers advice, opinions, ect. This is very important to me because it makes me feel as though all the work I put into the ideas I've had, isn't being wasted, but shared with others, so they might do something with it.

I agree - this is paramount - I need the sense of a meeting of minds. When I met nia it was such an enormous relief to find someone who UNDERSTOOD what I was talking about and wanted to communicate her ideas to me with the same level of concern for clarity.

The biggest problem I have communicating verbally is trying to get a "single" idea across. All of my thoughts are tied together and trying to communicate one is like trying to pluck a single thread from a wadded up ball of yarn. When one starts to come out so do all of the others, which leads me to go off on tangents in mid sentence, often times ending up far away from the point I was trying to make. While I percieve these "extra" thoughts as necessary to comprehension, other's usually seem confused by them.

Ah this is indeed the INTP curse - the only non-INTP who I know who coped with this aspect of me brilliantly was an ex-boyfriend who was INFJ. He would listen and then say 'can I stop you there and just rewind to this point and ask ...?' It was incredibly helpful and made me feel very cared for and safe. I also have an INTJ friend who is very good but he tends to tell me what I'm trying to say rather than help me to say it.

 

[NoID10ts]

Time to be pathetic and perhaps a bit too transparent:

No one listens to me, never have ............... At least it feels that way.


1. What does it feel like to be listened to?

I'm not too used to it, but it feels good. Like what I say and what I think has some value. Like I have some value.


2. How well do you feel you are listened to by the people in your life?

I've accepted that I have a doormat personality, the perpetual nice guy, and it seems to make people feel like I must be protected (when they're not using me for something) as if I am some sort of idiot child. But it also means that just as parents don't listen to their children, they don't listen to me either. It's true at work, at home, when I was in school, and at church. When I talk to almost anyone in my life about the deeper things I dwell on, they just get this glazed and disinterested look in their eyes (including my wife). Either that or it's outrage. I'm forever condemned to talk about only the things that interest other people, because no one really cares about the things that interest me.


3. What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?

When it comes to the real me and my real interests and thoughts, it's really all I have and even it ebbs and flows.

(I don't even know if anyone listens to me here, but at least I don't have to see anyone feverishly scroll past my comments, roll their eyes, or grumble "what a fucking moron.")


4. Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?

I fear it's become one of the most important things to me. The question is, will I find a constructive or destructive way to be heard?

 

[Vegard Pompey]

I can't think of anything interesting to respond, so normally I wouldn't even post, but it seems relevant to inform you that I did in fact read your post. And I can relate.

 

[Agent Intellect]

I think I often have it in my mind that the only way someone will listen to me is if I disagree with them - possibly one of the reasons I get into so many debates. When someone has to respond to me in defense of their opinions/ideas/views then I know something got through.

Generally, though (like 97% of the time offline, maybe 60% of the time on the forum) I don't even bother being listened to by just keeping most stuff to myself.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

I've accepted that I have a doormat personality, the perpetual nice guy, and it seems to make people feel like I must be protected (when they're not using me for something) as if I am some sort of idiot child. But it also means that just as parents don't listen to their children, they don't listen to me either. It's true at work, at home, when I was in school, and at church. When I talk to almost anyone in my life about the deeper things I dwell on, they just get this glazed and disinterested look in their eyes (including my wife). Either that or it's outrage. I'm forever condemned to talk about only the things that interest other people, because no one really cares about the things that interest me.

Ditto for all of that, excluding Noddy's wife, we don't really talk much.
*awkward silence*

Recently however (probably a direct result of using this forum) it seems my shut-up-ability has been compromised by the development of my very own "Extrovert mode" whereby I forgo my usual trepidations and become my impulsive/theatrical alter ego.
i.e. I'm becoming Cognisant in reality, and it's terrifying me, but kinda cool too.

(btw, speaking for 10min+ hurts my vocal cords, I'm just not used to it)

 

[walfin]

Honestly - the words I'd offer you to describe how it feels to be listened to... strange, unexpected, worrying, and awkward.

I'm with nia on this one - I find it extremely surprising you should say this - and makes me feel a bit sad.

Yeah. Me too.

I'm forever condemned to talk about only the things that interest other people, because no one really cares about the things that interest me.
...
4. Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?

I fear it's become one of the most important things to me. The question is, will I find a constructive or destructive way to be heard?

Sigh. That sounds bad.

I've feared dependence on forums as well. It's a very easy addiction to pick up, and it's crushing when the support is lost, leaving you in a worse state than when you started off.

There's such a negative connotation attached to the phrase "attention seeking" that perhaps some of us daren't seek attention even if we have to.

Unfortunately the INTP wants to be listened to. Most other types strive for something easier, e.g. they want to be obeyed. You can compel the world to do what you say, but they still mightn't listen to you.

 

[cheese]

I love this thread and especially agree with Thebhr (in fact I'm finding it difficult to answer even these questions, since they latch on to several other thoughts as well). I don't have the same experience others seem to have had in being surrounded by 'morons', but there are degrees of listening, and the best sort has happened with NT types. Before I came across MBTI I met some of these, and it was a huge relief, as snowqueen said. Very odd experience. The internet has been pretty useful in facilitating mind-meetings as well.

Noddy:
I listen to you, and I'm sure many of the others do too. You probably know that anyway, but just in case. I really like the kind of person you seem to be - genuine and unpretentious. You're also funny as hell. In fact you were one of the few standouts of the forum for me in lurking days.
I've got the doormat problem as well, most of the time. It surprised me that you're seen this way irl, because you don't come off like that at all here, to me.

 

[eudemonia]

Time to be pathetic and perhaps a bit too transparent:

No one listens to me, never have ............... At least it feels that way.



1. What does it feel like to be listened to?

I'm not too used to it, but it feels good. Like what I say and what I think has some value. Like I have some value.


2. How well do you feel you are listened to by the people in your life?

I've accepted that I have a doormat personality, the perpetual nice guy, and it seems to make people feel like I must be protected (when they're not using me for something) as if I am some sort of idiot child. But it also means that just as parents don't listen to their children, they don't listen to me either. It's true at work, at home, when I was in school, and at church. When I talk to almost anyone in my life about the deeper things I dwell on, they just get this glazed and disinterested look in their eyes (including my wife). Either that or it's outrage. I'm forever condemned to talk about only the things that interest other people, because no one really cares about the things that interest me.


3. What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?

When it comes to the real me and my real interests and thoughts, it's really all I have and even it ebbs and flows.

(I don't even know if anyone listens to me here, but at least I don't have to see anyone feverishly scroll past my comments, roll their eyes, or grumble "what a fucking moron.")


4. Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?

I fear it's become one of the most important things to me. The question is, will I find a constructive or destructive way to be heard?

Noddy, I can't tell you how sad that makes me feel. People are ruthless when it comes to imprisoning people in boxes and silencing controversial voices. It must be hell to be surrounded by people who really don't get you. I feel privileged to have caught sight of the real you and feel that they are the losers.

In one way, it feels like you are caught up in a game that nobody really likes or benefits from.

*sigh*

Everyone needs at least one person in the world who listens to them.

I'm just wondering what a 'constructive way to be heard' actually looks like.



Cog, I'm finding it fascinating that you're becoming your alter ego - the mind, and the imagination, boggles. Good for you!

Unfortunately the INTP wants to be listened to. Most other types strive for something easier, e.g. they want to be obeyed. You can compel the world to do what you say, but they still mightn't listen to you.

How true Walfin.

 

[Kidege]

*kicks Sapphire Harp and slaps Noddy*

You pair of idiots, I like listening to you.

^Fe display.

*hugs Cog*

mwahaha, take that!


What does it feel like to be listened to?

Good.

How well do you feel you are listened to by the people in your life?

So so. My father will listen to little bits of information directly related to his interests. So, he doesn't really listen to me.

My mother will listen to anything, but she'll be hunting for my development patterns and she'll judge and offer solutions. Plain empathy's scarce. I only talk to her to discuss shared interests (politics, philosophy...). When I want to drone on some interest of mine, something I've studied more than her, she'll stop me after a while, basically because she's more interested in learning her own stuff.

"I'm 30 years older than you, and I didn't have as much time to read as you did, now I only have a few productive years, so if what you have to tell me isn't very important, I'd like to continue studying"

Gotta love rationals.

My school friends were the only ones who would *listen*, but I was unused to the procedure and it took sometimes years for me to tell them what I really thought or felt. I'm rarely in touch with them these days (which means they're friends to me but I'm not sure if they remember me)

What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?

Makes me feel like I have friends again.

I'm only sorry nobody here's up to endless discussion of Latin American politics.


Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?

Hell yes.


Edit:

Nia, wonderful thread, thank you.

 

[RandomAspects]

What does it feel like to be listened to?

How well do you feel you are listened to by the people in your life?

What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?

Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?

I'm more surprised and nervous that I'm being listened to than anything else. I can't speak for any extended amount of time (even online sometimes). I've never been able to see why anyone has chosen to listen to me, as it almost never happens.

I'm not listened to in real life either, unless someone needs the answer to a homework problem. I may have an inspired, elegant solution to a problem, but the reply I hear most is "You overthought that" or "That's ridiculous" and my thoughts and ideas are dismissed. I've never even met 1 of the 2 people who've listened to me and helped me in my life. I only know him online (and he lives in a different country).

I'm brand-new to this forum, but I can say truthfully that this is the one of the more friendly groups of people I've met. I've gotten more replies here on what I've said than I do by people I know.

I would say that yes, to be listened to is very important to me, even though it is rare.

 

[Da Blob]

What does it feel like to be listened to?
a feeling of being respected is most common, There is a feeling of power that I occasionally experience that I repressed rather quickly because I have learned that that feeling is closely followed by the feeling of responsibility. I avoid responsibility like the plague. I would hate to think I will be held responsible for what people hear if they listen to me...(EEK!)
How well do you feel you are listened to by the people in your life?
Not very well, most people simply do not share my frame of reference. They could not understand me even if they tried very hard to comprehend...
I have always been on a different 'plane', or so it seems...

What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?
I am not sure yet, I have only been on the internet as a social being for ten months, I am in an infancy stage of development. I have found facebook to be a better social network in some regards, but nothing really is talked about or done there. There does not seem to be a lot of goal-related activities or group dynamics at play on facebook.
There has been a handful of forum members that has tolerated my presence and I return for those few...

Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?
No, and how can it be? I have been relegated by my lack of academic credentials to the role of "a voice crying in the wilderness" It is just a fantasy of mine to believe that I will ever address an audience that desires to listen and understand what it is I am trying to share... I write to readers who have yet to be born. Just as I, perhaps, have been faithful to the mate i never met...

.

 

[Weliddryn]

What does it feel like to be listened to?

I've never felt this. I am invisible.

How wels of which have not at all been pleasant. My family highly criticizes my changes and believes I have allowed 'people do not even know change [me].' They refer to me as being schizoid and seriously believe there is something wrong with me, and I, obviously, do not need to hear that as I already believe it in myself.
I am not listened to. I am criticized or rejected if I do not passively appear to accept their views.
Noddy- You are not at all pathetic in my mind and I agree with cheese that you trs of which have not at all been pleasant. My family highly criticizes my changes and believes I have allowed 'people do not even know change [me].' They refer to me as being schizoid and seriously believe there is something wrong with me, and I, obviously, do not need to hear that as I already believe it in myself.
I am not listened to. I am criticized or rejected if I do not passively appear to accept their views.
Noddy- You are not at all pathetic in my mind and I agree with cheese that you truly do stand out.

What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?

Quite frankly, I have soooooo much to learn before I can truly offer something worth listening to, here. And I love this place because I can grow here.

Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?

I imagine it would feel like a high without the drug usage.

 

[Ombat]

What does it feel like to be listened to?

I'm not too used to it, but it feels good. Like what I say and what I think has some value. Like I have some value.

Exactly

How well do you feel you are listened to by the people in your life?
The only person that listens to me is my mom -_-'
It makes me angry. Does she only care what I have to say because I'm her daughter? I'm not questioning that she cares, but why she cares.
I don't think any of my friends care for what I have to say though, and so I rarely have anything to say.

What role does this forum play in your sense of being listened to?
I'm very new here and I like to listen to what others have to say on this forum. You all have amazing ideas, I'm not sure I'm really capable of contributing.

As for other forums I used to be a part of, it's why I was always on them and rarely interacting with people in the "real world". We always listened and responded to what we had to say.

Is the sense of being listened to, important to you?
Yes, very much. Although it's only hurt my cause. When I was younger I used to say something, get no response, say it again, and then get yelled at because "We heard you the first time!" Shame.

 

[NoID10ts]

I really appreciate all the kind words.



Now stop it.

 

[Da Blob]

I really appreciate all the kind words.



Now stop it.

Okay! scrolls past noddy's comment muttering to self...

I hope that you realize that the reason that i interact with you is because i do respect you to a certain degree... It is a backward compliment or is it backhanded compliment? but I do scroll past the comments of a few members of the forum on occasions, but not yours...

 

[Sapphire Harp]

Sapphire, from my perspective, I found your post disturbing. To experience being listened to as 'strange, worrying and awkward' implies that you are rarely, if ever, listened to.

Well... without a question it's a sign of a malfunctioning life situation... And I find my habits fight against it altering, as well... Sad, indeed.

Mostly I find I'm the last priority friend / co-worker / or whatever. I -can- be given attention, but that is only in the absence of any other person or thing. I've had a fair number of conversations instantly broken off mid-sentence and forgotten by the appearance of a third person.

In person I tend to aim towards the shortest answers and nearest conclusion of the conversation unless I'm in a rare mood... A means of not fighting the probable outcome and moving away from the discomfort.
​

*kicks Sapphire Harp and slaps Noddy* You pair of idiots, I like listening to you.

I appreciate it, Kidege... I'm glad that you said it... Honestly, I need to hear that sort of thing, that kind of feedback. Talking into a uninterested void is a very common experience for me. Without signs to the contrary I eventually assume that this is the case again and give up / move on. (Both online and in real life.)

This is one of the reasons I kind of wish we had those "+1" or "Like" buttons I've seen on other forums and now on facebook... Granted, there's all those popularity issues... but so many people on this forum enjoy posts, but can't bring themselves to post or PM about it... I think the affirmation possible would be worth it.

I've had a hard time composing any posts of late... I'll try and be more present...
​

 

[flow]

this is a thought-provoking thread, and I appreciate it greatly. Anyways, like many of you I often find that being listened to can be uncomfortable or foreign. Not until college did I find friends who actually listened to my ideas and enjoyed them, and even wanted to talk about them. I still spend most of my time listening to others, I don't particularly like to speak in front of people. If I say more than a couple of sentences in a row, I become growingly insecure on the ideas I have presented. Did I say something that wasn't true? Could that have been interpreted in a way that I didn't intend? Was there any point to my previous statement at all? Yeah, I get insecure pretty easily when I find myself talking at length. I also don't usually feel like I have very much to say anyways. Unless I just read something in the news or listened to an interesting new album.. and even then, that's a short conversation.

 

[Sapphire Harp]

Oh, I also wanted to call attention to an old thread... a counter-point to what we're talking about here about listening to each other on the forum.

Short attention spans & skipping posts thread.
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