My Fe Exploded/Things are Chaotic. Opinions wanted.

[Lambda]

So I've had an interesting couple of days, and it feels like, or maybe I feel like I should share what's been going on. Note that when I say interesting, I really mean confusing and enlightening and weird and awesome and just... yeah. And I have a problem I'll get to at the end I could use a few opinions on.

1. Background first, I suppose. Bit lengthy. Relatively distant past, first. I've measured as an INTP for the last few years, and that's as long as I've been taking tests. Not a very strong one, though. Percentage wise, it's something like 77-67-55-65 I-N-T-P. The fairly weak T is of particular interest to me as I write this, and I've realized that maybe I was more of a feeler than a thinker when I was younger. Hell, I might have been more of an extrovert, too. But maybe circumstances and environmental factors caused me to shift to an introverted, rational personality.

Specifically, the way male friends behaved once the hormones started kicking in alienated me. I mean, I was never fond of anyone who cracked a joke at another's expense, or felt they had to act macho in the locker room. But eventually it was like they all did that, and the occasional nice guy was really just taking advantage of you. That was my experience, anyway, and I suppose I retreated into a shell to avoid dealing with everyone. And that shell has gotten thicker and I've become less sociable in the intervening years.

So that started around age 11 or 12, and now I'm 19. And a bit of a wreck. Definitely a loner, lacking social skills or grace, very few friends, no close ones. No real hobbies, no desire to pursue my interests. Barely got the marks to get into Engineering, dropped out after failing first semester. Doing Open Studies now (2 courses a semester with restrictions on what I can take), thinking of entering Computer Science if I can boost my GPA. Not really trying hard, though. It's like I'm sprinting at the beginning of the semester, and halfway through I get bored and my mind starts wandering. And that's where the real trouble starts.

I've got a pretty good memory. In a sense. Events and faces. Usually no good with names or details unless they're important. So of course I remember my friends from over the years, my classmates, my enemies. I did IB in high school, and by Grade 12 there were only 9 or 10 of us, so they were fairly close by then. I wasn't really part of the IB circle, though, but I knew them, and they knew me, and we interacted enough to get along.

I also remember the people I felt attracted to, and my social awkwardness around them. Which I'd really rather forget. In fact, given the option, I would gladly erase all my memories up to this point, leaving only basic language skills and whatnot. I want to escape my past, which I always have, really. I switched school systems after elementary (“Protestant” secular system to “Catholic” somewhat-religious system) and back again for high school, mainly because everyone was too familiar. I didn't want to interact with these people anymore. Even after high school I tried to go as far away as possible for university. But that didn't work out, and now I'm stuck in the same place as most of the people I knew are.

So I see their faces everyday, and from casual conversation I get the sense that at least some of them mostly forget the specific details of my behaviour when we last saw each other. But I remember all of it, in glorious high definition.

So for the first few weeks of a university semester I can focus on class, and feel pumped, but then the monotony sets in, and I start thinking about anything else I can think of. And invariably I come back to these people, whose faces I see everyday, except now it's like we're all strangers. People I got along well with hardly glance at me and continue on their way. But I remember this life where we were comrades, if not friends. And I realize some of them never really liked me. Elitism, I suppose. And part of me wants to forget it all, and another part wishes it could have been more, that we could have been best of friends and done whatever good friends do with each other.

All this could be summed up with “long term social stress, resulting in chronic depression and approaching nihilism”. But anyway. Long term background.

2. Moving on. Middle background. I like books. Movies. TV, anime, anything with a good story. I tend to shotgun things. Read all 7 Harry Potter books in one sitting, or watch a whole season of a show, or a trilogy of movies. I use my imagination to enter the world, imagine myself as a new character, interact with the other characters. Etc, etc. It feels nice to be in another world, separate from the real one. Especially when conflicts are resolved. Characters develop, battles are fought. Good triumphs over evil, or characters come to terms with some aspect of their lives.

It's much more fulfilling than watching real life go by. Nothing significant ever changes for the better. It either changes for the worse or just changes. Most of the little details just change. But basically nothing ever seems to get better. So I tend to immerse myself in stories.

3. And... well. Immediate background. A couple days ago I was watching an anime called Angel Beats! (and I have no idea if a period should go after that exclamation mark. Oh well, this solves it nicely.). Basically, the setting is an afterlife, a sort of Purgatory where people come to terms with their regrets before moving on (and usually reincarnating). But the main characters all suffered a perceived injustice during their lives, and so want to confront God over the unfairness of it all. And of course, they hold on to their regrets and can't move on to the next stage. Anyway, it got me thinking a little bit about the afterlife and God and, well, that sort of stuff.

4. Story, then. I'm a rational person. And at the end of the day I suppose I'm an atheist. I don't see how or why there could be an afterlife, or a God with the capacity to interfere with the workings of our universe. Pop the question “Is there life after death?” and my first instinct is to say “No”. And after a minute of consideration I still feel that this is the best answer.

But a couple of days ago I had an emotional breakdown. Which happens, sometimes. Once every few months. Makes me wonder if I need a psychologist afterwards, but once I've calmed down I'm usually numb enough to rationally reason my way out of that idea (and I hear INTPs and psychologists don't usually mix). This one was weird, though, because I started feeling suicidal.

Now, the last time I seriously contemplated suicide was when I was 13 years old, and I rejected it on the basis of not knowing with absolute certainty what came after death. Heaven or hell, I could handle. Purgatory, no sweat. Reincarnation, awesome. But non-existence? I couldn't do that. Better to exist than not, no matter what. Since then, every time my mind gets anywhere near the idea of suicide, the same argument turns me away. So I don't usually feel suicidal for more than a moment. Every few months.

But here I was actually contemplating it. And when I asked myself what came after death, my mind responded. Not with “Nothing”, but with “Something”. Surely there was something afterwards. There had to be! The idea that the entire universe and our existence and feelings and emotions and will to live and everything was just a fluke? Bull****. It had to be! A cosmic joke! Something, anything, it had to be there! Otherwise what was the point of everything that ever happened, that ever existed, ever?

I felt comforted by the idea, but uncertain of it's validity. Never mind that I was entertaining the idea in the first place, where before I would have rejected it outright! I pulled out my computer, looked up Buddhism and Hinduism and reincarnation and evidence for an afterlife, or at least the continuation of existence in some form after death. I wanted, so very badly, to believe such a thing, with absolute certainty.

This was at around 1 in the morning and I had class that day. Eventually I got to sleep, but when it came time to wake up, I felt perturbed. I felt I had to calm down or I wouldn’t make it though the day, so I dug out my St. John's Wort (which I hadn't felt the need to take in months) and popped a pill. 200mg if anyone's interested.

Anyway, I took the bus to class, went to class, took the bus home. But starting a bit after I left for class, and ending a bit after I got back, I felt... not mellow, so much as content. Not numbly content and devoid of feeling, like normal, but... almost happy. I ditched class (only one class and it's stupidly slow) (the other class is the next day, if you're keeping up) and thought about suicide. Not considering it though, it was like I had already decided. I felt I wanted to commit suicide. I really, really wanted to. And if there was a possibility of something afterwards, something different from this life, even rebirth as another person with no memory of this life, then I wanted that. Nothing else mattered.

I dug out my computer again and looked at methods of suicide, drug concoctions, etc. The tallest rooftops in the region aren't really accessible, so that was out. Eventually I realized there was still a lingering doubt in my mind about whether or not there was something after death. I wanted certainty, and no human-researched evidence would be enough to convince me.

I read an article on Erowid titled “Where is God in the Entheogenic Movement?” It talked about how the rejection of the Church led to the rejection of God, and how science became the new religion. And now we have entheogens, psychedelic plants and substances that give us spiritual experiences. And many users eventually meet God, or at least think they do. And now we have people who've experienced some form of God, but it's taboo to discuss such a being in intellectual circles, so we don't hear about it as much as we perhaps should. And we don't give as much though to the concept of God as we should, because we still think of the Church, and the World Wars and whatnot.

I wanted to communicate with God, or see another world, or learn about the universe. I wanted knowledge an atheist would never accept. If I couldn't even have that, then at the very least I wanted inner peace. A resolution with the perceived demons in my head. A clean mind and soul before I left, to ease my passage into whatever comes after. I've always had an interest in psychedelics and entheogens, so I looked those up. Salvia, ayahuasca.

I resolved to purchase some Salvia divinorum, and a pipe, and smoke some. That was today. I haven't done all that yet, but I intended to. But... remember when I said the happy contentedness ended a bit after I got home? Before that moment I was resolute in my desires. I knew I was going to get some Salvia, I knew I wanted to die, I was pretty sure there was an afterlife. Which was unprecedented for me, but I didn't stop to think about that.

So I got home, I was resolute... and then thoughts started creeping into my mind. Rational ones. “Is there really an afterlife? How can there be? What reason could there possibly be for such a thing?” I tried to push those thoughts away. I held on to my confidence, but they kept coming. “How can there be a God? There is no reason, and no proof.” Etc, etc.

So... now I'm back where I was before all of this. Rational, logical, emotionally numb. Depressed. I look at my thought process today and my instinct tells me it was stupid, the ideas, the concepts, they were idiotic. And I want to trust my instincts, like I always have, but... I remember what it felt like. To be certain, and content with the idea of an afterlife. I felt alive then, more than I have in years. I want my instincts to be wrong. I, my conscious self, want to be right. I want that feeling back. I don't want to be rational anymore, I don't want to feel so cold and gloomy. I want to feel alive again.

5. I think what I had was a burst of F overpowering my T. Apparently emotional trauma will do that. Reading the descriptions for INFP, I realize that I was like that at some points in my life, and that part of me never really left. It's always been there, just... hiding, I guess. Under the surface. Shielded by the shell of rationality. I knew for a long time it was doing more harm than good, but I became dependent on it and never had the willpower to remove it.

I want to shed my protective shell. I want to forget rationality. I want to feel things. I want to experience emotion again. I want to be confident in my beliefs with no rational basis.

I want my feelings back.

And I want to calmly, contentedly, die, and move on, and live again. Maybe next time I won't be plagued by the demons I've had all my life. Maybe I'll meet some nice people, and grow up with them, and learn what it is to have a good friend in my life. And maybe I'll gain the willpower to do what I really, truly want, and not turn to nihilism again.

I want that. But I'm not sure how I got there to begin with, and I'm not sure if I can get there again.

And now my mother thinks I need a psychologist. Where before I told her how I felt and how I wanted to see a psychologist and she ignored my requests, now I try to explain all this to her, without even mentioning psychologists, and suddenly “I think it's time we bite the bullet”. Now I need to figure out what the hell I actually intend to do.

Your thoughts and opinions are appreciated.

 

[Nezaros]

I will just start by saying that suicide isn't the answer. It'd be great to see what goes on after death and all that, but save it for later. I'm almost entirely certain death doesn't just lead into nonexistence, but there's plenty of stuff to see and do prior to that. Which brings me to this: Find something that catches your interest. This is more difficult than it sounds to people with passions but less difficult than it sounds to those without.

Do you enjoy learning? Learn shit. Learn everything. Spend an entire day reading Wikipedia, or at least until you find something that really grabs your attention. Then learn about that outside your house, in whatever way is applicable. If that fails, try people. It's a long shot for introverts but you said you wanted to shed your protective shell. Shed it. Go out and talk to random people. Don't give a damn what they think of you, just talk. Make friends. Find common interests.

What you need is a passion. It's the driving force behind all human beings. They continue to live because they want to continue (or reach) what they're passionate about. For some it's knowledge, for others it's some sort of activity, and for a few weirdos it's people. Doesn't matter what, just find one and chase it down. There are people who lack passions, who are kept from suicide only because they fear death. You don't seem to fear death but that's no reason to embrace it. Find something else.

 

[walfin]

1. Do you yet owe a lot of money to the school?
2. Mm 'tis fine. For most people real life is not as good as the imagination.
3/4. Do not take drugs. That is not a spiritual experience. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Perhaps you do not need to think about whether there is a God or not. Does it seriously matter at this point?
5. You don't get to restart life. Sorry. But you can consider moving away, leaving your town, country, etc.

 

[Affinity]

Ditch the salvia idea. I don't think it will solve anything, it's powerful if you wish to see what your mind can conjure up but I feel if you are looking to learn something from it, you won't. If anything, it will leave you more confused than before plus make you feel like shit afterwards. Psilocybin is what you are looking for. It has recently been uncovered that it is an anti-depressant, a long term one. And I can vouch for that, on many separate occasions. If you are looking to reach a spiritual state and possibly learn a lesson or two, I would highly recommend it.

 

[Lambda]

I suppose I'm off the initial emotional "high" completely now, and I feel sane enough to communicate.

Nezaros,

I know it isn't, intrinsically. But it was a nice thought while it lasted. And I do like learning - but on my terms. I read Wikipedia, sure. I find stuff I enjoy learning about, and I try to learn about it. But it seems like alot of it is most accessible in an academic setting, ie. University. So I try to learn there, but then I screw something up, an assignment or a midterm, or I get a terrible prof, and I stop caring about how well I do, make excuses etc, and sometimes nearly and sometimes completely, fail. But I've done well in computer courses so far, so maybe I just have to push myself with regards to all the other stuff. And it's easy to say "shed it", and I'd love very much to... previously I never believed I could but after today... maybe I'll find the willpower. I like to think I'll take something positive from today. And I have lots of interests to explore. Again, I suppose it's a matter of willpower... We'll see.

walfin,

1. RESP money covers one degree. So no, no money owed.
2. Rationally I figured as much. Doesn't mean I like it.
3 Whether or not there is a God, and the nature of such a thing, is irrelevant. It's the concept of an afterlife that matters greatly to me, even now. I fear nothingness. More importantly, the concept of a spiritual journey is nice to think about. Even if it isn't "real" in terms of absolute truth, the me that was alive today would probably have accepted it, even if I wouldn't. And really, don't lots of emotions/feelings/actions/etc result from chemicals in the brain? I took Psychology, we talked about serotonin and opioids, I've had melatonin recommended to me by a psychologist. It's all chemical.
5 Who's to say? And I'd love to move if I had the ability. An RESP covers my education, and I have a decent savings account, but I mean really, I live in my parents' basement, I don't have a job, me before today didn't WANT a job. Too menial, maybe, I'm not really sure. But it's like I'd rather make money doing what I want to do. And that requires time and dedication, or a university education (same thing, really). Like I said, maybe after today I'll feel less averse to either idea. Maybe I'll figure something out, and yes, I would like to move away ASAP. Halfway around the world, in fact.

Affinity, Thanks for the advice. Accessibility/availability is a concern, but maybe I'll see what I can do. If I still feel like following through tomorrow.

 

[MissQuote]

So, when you are rational, thinking, desirous of irrefutable evidence before accepting of ideas you are

1. Depressed
but
2. Contain the Will to Carry On

When you indulge in freely feeling and accepting of a state of reality based on the emotions such a state causes within you, you are

1. Happy
but
2. Actively Seeking Immediate Death

You think and it makes you sad and you choose life nonetheless? You feel and it makes content and you seek death?

 

[redbaron]

You should go to the hospital, I hear that an exploded Fe is worse than a ruptured appendix!

Also, you didn't mention if you were male or female?

 

[MissQuote]

You should go to the hospital, I hear that an exploded Fe is worse than a ruptured appendix!

It sounds like it could be just as deadly.

....................

More seriously, Please do not kill yourself.

Please do not kill yourself.

I don't know what else to say.

Do you think it is possible you may have been experiencing a hypo-manic episode? Your behavior and state of feeling elated with very active flowing of ideas of things you would not have before considered is suggestive of this. perhaps. You are about the age something like a first manic episode would typically happen to a young male.

I think you really should see an expert about all of this.

Hold off on the suicide for a while at least, please?

 

[Lambda]

You think and it makes you sad and you choose life nonetheless? You feel and it makes content and you seek death?

MissQuote: That's what it seems like. And now that I've calmed down a little I doubt I'll commit suicide anytime soon. It was only for that brief period that I was completely comfortable with the idea.

And after reading about hypomania, I suppose that could be what it was. And the implication of Bipolarism... actually isn't too surprising.

redbaron: Male. Oddly, though, I'm completely comfortable with my own male-ness, but never feel comfortable around other men, of any disposition. Perfectly comfortable around women, though, and actually capable of getting along with them rather well. I have no idea if that means anything or is perfectly normal, but. Probably good to know.

 

[Da Blob]

There is plenty about the experience of being human than can be explored and much about one's Life that can be improved. There are quite a few humans who have found valid reasons to love Life in the Here and Now.

Some are spiritual people, others enlightened etc. Find someone who loves life and observes what turns them on. Volunteer to serve a cause other than one's own self, it can be a means of escape.

Suicide does not solve problems, it creates them and one or two of those problems have no solutions.

Build a life, instead of destroying one...

 

[Kuu]

My usual way to sidestep suicidal ideation:
Death will come to us all, eventually. No point in rushing it.

Whether there's an afterlife or not, the same reasoning applies to that. You will/will not find out in time.

Now, depression... good luck with that.

What do you want in life? Do you have to want something? Be "someone"?

 

[Duxwing]

So I've had an interesting couple of days, and it feels like, or maybe I feel like I should share what's been going on. Note that when I say interesting, I really mean confusing and enlightening and weird and awesome and just... yeah. And I have a problem I'll get to at the end I could use a few opinions on.

1. Background first, I suppose. Bit lengthy. Relatively distant past, first. I've measured as an INTP for the last few years, and that's as long as I've been taking tests. Not a very strong one, though. Percentage wise, it's something like 77-67-55-65 I-N-T-P. The fairly weak T is of particular interest to me as I write this, and I've realized that maybe I was more of a feeler than a thinker when I was younger. Hell, I might have been more of an extrovert, too. But maybe circumstances and environmental factors caused me to shift to an introverted, rational personality.

Specifically, the way male friends behaved once the hormones started kicking in alienated me. I mean, I was never fond of anyone who cracked a joke at another's expense, or felt they had to act macho in the locker room. But eventually it was like they all did that, and the occasional nice guy was really just taking advantage of you. That was my experience, anyway, and I suppose I retreated into a shell to avoid dealing with everyone. And that shell has gotten thicker and I've become less sociable in the intervening years.

So that started around age 11 or 12, and now I'm 19. And a bit of a wreck. Definitely a loner, lacking social skills or grace, very few friends, no close ones. No real hobbies, no desire to pursue my interests. Barely got the marks to get into Engineering, dropped out after failing first semester. Doing Open Studies now (2 courses a semester with restrictions on what I can take), thinking of entering Computer Science if I can boost my GPA. Not really trying hard, though. It's like I'm sprinting at the beginning of the semester, and halfway through I get bored and my mind starts wandering. And that's where the real trouble starts.

I've got a pretty good memory. In a sense. Events and faces. Usually no good with names or details unless they're important. So of course I remember my friends from over the years, my classmates, my enemies. I did IB in high school, and by Grade 12 there were only 9 or 10 of us, so they were fairly close by then. I wasn't really part of the IB circle, though, but I knew them, and they knew me, and we interacted enough to get along.

I also remember the people I felt attracted to, and my social awkwardness around them. Which I'd really rather forget. In fact, given the option, I would gladly erase all my memories up to this point, leaving only basic language skills and whatnot. I want to escape my past, which I always have, really. I switched school systems after elementary (“Protestant” secular system to “Catholic” somewhat-religious system) and back again for high school, mainly because everyone was too familiar. I didn't want to interact with these people anymore. Even after high school I tried to go as far away as possible for university. But that didn't work out, and now I'm stuck in the same place as most of the people I knew are.

So I see their faces everyday, and from casual conversation I get the sense that at least some of them mostly forget the specific details of my behaviour when we last saw each other. But I remember all of it, in glorious high definition.

So for the first few weeks of a university semester I can focus on class, and feel pumped, but then the monotony sets in, and I start thinking about anything else I can think of. And invariably I come back to these people, whose faces I see everyday, except now it's like we're all strangers. People I got along well with hardly glance at me and continue on their way. But I remember this life where we were comrades, if not friends. And I realize some of them never really liked me. Elitism, I suppose. And part of me wants to forget it all, and another part wishes it could have been more, that we could have been best of friends and done whatever good friends do with each other.

All this could be summed up with “long term social stress, resulting in chronic depression and approaching nihilism”. But anyway. Long term background.

2. Moving on. Middle background. I like books. Movies. TV, anime, anything with a good story. I tend to shotgun things. Read all 7 Harry Potter books in one sitting, or watch a whole season of a show, or a trilogy of movies. I use my imagination to enter the world, imagine myself as a new character, interact with the other characters. Etc, etc. It feels nice to be in another world, separate from the real one. Especially when conflicts are resolved. Characters develop, battles are fought. Good triumphs over evil, or characters come to terms with some aspect of their lives.

It's much more fulfilling than watching real life go by. Nothing significant ever changes for the better. It either changes for the worse or just changes. Most of the little details just change. But basically nothing ever seems to get better. So I tend to immerse myself in stories.

3. And... well. Immediate background. A couple days ago I was watching an anime called Angel Beats! (and I have no idea if a period should go after that exclamation mark. Oh well, this solves it nicely.). Basically, the setting is an afterlife, a sort of Purgatory where people come to terms with their regrets before moving on (and usually reincarnating). But the main characters all suffered a perceived injustice during their lives, and so want to confront God over the unfairness of it all. And of course, they hold on to their regrets and can't move on to the next stage. Anyway, it got me thinking a little bit about the afterlife and God and, well, that sort of stuff.

4. Story, then. I'm a rational person. And at the end of the day I suppose I'm an atheist. I don't see how or why there could be an afterlife, or a God with the capacity to interfere with the workings of our universe. Pop the question “Is there life after death?” and my first instinct is to say “No”. And after a minute of consideration I still feel that this is the best answer.

But a couple of days ago I had an emotional breakdown. Which happens, sometimes. Once every few months. Makes me wonder if I need a psychologist afterwards, but once I've calmed down I'm usually numb enough to rationally reason my way out of that idea (and I hear INTPs and psychologists don't usually mix). This one was weird, though, because I started feeling suicidal.

Now, the last time I seriously contemplated suicide was when I was 13 years old, and I rejected it on the basis of not knowing with absolute certainty what came after death. Heaven or hell, I could handle. Purgatory, no sweat. Reincarnation, awesome. But non-existence? I couldn't do that. Better to exist than not, no matter what. Since then, every time my mind gets anywhere near the idea of suicide, the same argument turns me away. So I don't usually feel suicidal for more than a moment. Every few months.

But here I was actually contemplating it. And when I asked myself what came after death, my mind responded. Not with “Nothing”, but with “Something”. Surely there was something afterwards. There had to be! The idea that the entire universe and our existence and feelings and emotions and will to live and everything was just a fluke? Bull****. It had to be! A cosmic joke! Something, anything, it had to be there! Otherwise what was the point of everything that ever happened, that ever existed, ever?

I felt comforted by the idea, but uncertain of it's validity. Never mind that I was entertaining the idea in the first place, where before I would have rejected it outright! I pulled out my computer, looked up Buddhism and Hinduism and reincarnation and evidence for an afterlife, or at least the continuation of existence in some form after death. I wanted, so very badly, to believe such a thing, with absolute certainty.

This was at around 1 in the morning and I had class that day. Eventually I got to sleep, but when it came time to wake up, I felt perturbed. I felt I had to calm down or I wouldn’t make it though the day, so I dug out my St. John's Wort (which I hadn't felt the need to take in months) and popped a pill. 200mg if anyone's interested.

Anyway, I took the bus to class, went to class, took the bus home. But starting a bit after I left for class, and ending a bit after I got back, I felt... not mellow, so much as content. Not numbly content and devoid of feeling, like normal, but... almost happy. I ditched class (only one class and it's stupidly slow) (the other class is the next day, if you're keeping up) and thought about suicide. Not considering it though, it was like I had already decided. I felt I wanted to commit suicide. I really, really wanted to. And if there was a possibility of something afterwards, something different from this life, even rebirth as another person with no memory of this life, then I wanted that. Nothing else mattered.

I dug out my computer again and looked at methods of suicide, drug concoctions, etc. The tallest rooftops in the region aren't really accessible, so that was out. Eventually I realized there was still a lingering doubt in my mind about whether or not there was something after death. I wanted certainty, and no human-researched evidence would be enough to convince me.

I read an article on Erowid titled “Where is God in the Entheogenic Movement?” It talked about how the rejection of the Church led to the rejection of God, and how science became the new religion. And now we have entheogens, psychedelic plants and substances that give us spiritual experiences. And many users eventually meet God, or at least think they do. And now we have people who've experienced some form of God, but it's taboo to discuss such a being in intellectual circles, so we don't hear about it as much as we perhaps should. And we don't give as much though to the concept of God as we should, because we still think of the Church, and the World Wars and whatnot.

I wanted to communicate with God, or see another world, or learn about the universe. I wanted knowledge an atheist would never accept. If I couldn't even have that, then at the very least I wanted inner peace. A resolution with the perceived demons in my head. A clean mind and soul before I left, to ease my passage into whatever comes after. I've always had an interest in psychedelics and entheogens, so I looked those up. Salvia, ayahuasca.

I resolved to purchase some Salvia divinorum, and a pipe, and smoke some. That was today. I haven't done all that yet, but I intended to. But... remember when I said the happy contentedness ended a bit after I got home? Before that moment I was resolute in my desires. I knew I was going to get some Salvia, I knew I wanted to die, I was pretty sure there was an afterlife. Which was unprecedented for me, but I didn't stop to think about that.

So I got home, I was resolute... and then thoughts started creeping into my mind. Rational ones. “Is there really an afterlife? How can there be? What reason could there possibly be for such a thing?” I tried to push those thoughts away. I held on to my confidence, but they kept coming. “How can there be a God? There is no reason, and no proof.” Etc, etc.

So... now I'm back where I was before all of this. Rational, logical, emotionally numb. Depressed. I look at my thought process today and my instinct tells me it was stupid, the ideas, the concepts, they were idiotic. And I want to trust my instincts, like I always have, but... I remember what it felt like. To be certain, and content with the idea of an afterlife. I felt alive then, more than I have in years. I want my instincts to be wrong. I, my conscious self, want to be right. I want that feeling back. I don't want to be rational anymore, I don't want to feel so cold and gloomy. I want to feel alive again.

5. I think what I had was a burst of F overpowering my T. Apparently emotional trauma will do that. Reading the descriptions for INFP, I realize that I was like that at some points in my life, and that part of me never really left. It's always been there, just... hiding, I guess. Under the surface. Shielded by the shell of rationality. I knew for a long time it was doing more harm than good, but I became dependent on it and never had the willpower to remove it.

I want to shed my protective shell. I want to forget rationality. I want to feel things. I want to experience emotion again. I want to be confident in my beliefs with no rational basis.

I want my feelings back.

And I want to calmly, contentedly, die, and move on, and live again. Maybe next time I won't be plagued by the demons I've had all my life. Maybe I'll meet some nice people, and grow up with them, and learn what it is to have a good friend in my life. And maybe I'll gain the willpower to do what I really, truly want, and not turn to nihilism again.

I want that. But I'm not sure how I got there to begin with, and I'm not sure if I can get there again.

And now my mother thinks I need a psychologist. Where before I told her how I felt and how I wanted to see a psychologist and she ignored my requests, now I try to explain all this to her, without even mentioning psychologists, and suddenly “I think it's time we bite the bullet”. Now I need to figure out what the hell I actually intend to do.

Your thoughts and opinions are appreciated.

You don't have a runaway Fe as much as you have a runaway coping mechanism: Fantasy. When we feel threatened or hurt by reality, some of us, like you, turn to imaginary worlds of our own creation. The theme of withdrawal and fantasization runs throughout your life: reality isn't up to your standards, so you want to escape from it and into yourself. And this withdrawal has led to a loop:

1.) You don't like the state of reality or your memories of it.
2.) Unable to cope, you retreat inside yourself, doing nothing but staring off into space and imagining; alternatively, you physically escape the situation.
3.) As you've stated yourself, reality changes or gets worse. But this is not only because of some inherent property of reality; rather, your inaction during your escape into your imagination or absence has also left you without anything to enjoy in the real world.
4.) You see reality or remember it, don't like the experience, and the cycle repeats.

Given your suicidal tendencies-- tendencies that I can understand, no one would want to live in a world that bores them to tears and makes them feel terrible-- I recommend calling your doctor, a suicide hotline, or the nearest psychiatric hospital post haste: all our efforts, and all your efforts, will mean nothing if you die.

But before you call the hospital, read the following:

You need to break the cycle of escaping into fantasy. It's maladaptive to the point that you want to die. Look at yourself. You're a young man who'll likely live to see another sixty years-- if not more, given the current progress of medical science-- but you want to kill yourself because you desperately want to believe that reality doesn't exist? Unless your desire to die is a wish unto itself, I can't imagine that you'd want to be in such a state. But don't feel guilty about wanting to die, please, don't. You're not a bad or weak person if something drives you to the edge of taking your own life: we all have our breaking points. You might even be stronger than average. Who knows? More importantly, who cares?

Don't let your pride weigh you down in seeking treatment. Plenty of famous people, people whom you might admire, have fallen into the depths of despair. Abraham Lincoln himself was known for his "melancholoy" a condition that modern psychologists would call "depression," and Albert Einstein's attempt at "The All-Encompassing Theorem" point to his bouts with existential despair. So don't get down on yourself for feeling terrible-- you have enough to worry about. *hug*

The key, then, is breaking the cycle. Doing so requires your volition-- volition that I have hopefully freed from any bonds-- and the assistance of numerous trained professionals. These professionals can be found at hospitals and on Google. Since I don't know where you live, I can't help you find them, but look for counselors with lots of experience in your field of suffering: depression and maladaptive coping mechanisms. If you have a doctor, then you can also talk to him or her about your problems (I highly recommend doing so) and allow them to refer you to a specialist.

Recovery is a long road, my friend, but don't be afraid in taking the first step: call your doctor.

-Duxwing

 

[SpaceYeti]

Otherwise what was the point of everything that ever happened, that ever existed, ever?

Why does it need a reason to exist? and even if there is some sort of objective reason somehow, why would it continue to happen after we're dead? I mean, cars have purposes, but once they stop working they lose their purpose. So why would our purpose for being alive lie in our death?

I'm a generally jolly guy, so I've never had any serious suicidal thought. If I were dead, how would I eat yummy food, have sex, play video games with my son, etc?

(Edited for awesomeness)

 

[Duxwing]

Why does it need a reason to exist?

Seconded! Philosophy is a game in the end. A very fun game, but a game nonetheless.

-Duxwing

 

[Lambda]

Some are spiritual people, others enlightened etc. Find someone who loves life and observes what turns them on. Volunteer to serve a cause other than one's own self, it can be a means of escape.

At this point there's only a few people I know and see regularly. Two of them have religious faith that gives them purpose, and I can't accept such a thing for myself, one acts like they're fine but seems sad when we talk, another struggles through hell and manages to remain upbeat. I don't know how or why. That person's back in my town, though, after a stint away. Maybe they'll make a good case study.

And I have considered international charity or military missions at various times. The latter more than the former, but I'm not sure I'd fit in as well as in a charity.

Suicide does not solve problems, it creates them and one or two of those problems have no solutions.

Maybe. Maybe not. Like I said, I'm not considering it now that I'm feeling "normal" again.

What do you want in life? Do you have to want something? Be "someone"?

I want success, in a form. First and foremost, I want a stable, independent life. The ability to separate myself from a familiar place and go somewhere different and survive comfortably. After that I'd like to be able to easily approach people, so that I can make friends and not be completely alone, particularly if I uproot myself and go far, far away. Eventually a relatively "normal" life would be rather nice.

And yes, I have to want something. Purpose is a driving force. No purpose, why bother? That's what I think, anyway. And I don't need to be anyone important, or special. Just me, but better than I am now. Capable of handling life. That's all.

You don't have a runaway Fe as much as you have a runaway coping mechanism: Fantasy. When we feel threatened or hurt by reality, some of us, like you, turn to imaginary worlds of our own creation. The theme of withdrawal and fantasization runs throughout your life: reality isn't up to your standards, so you want to escape from it and into yourself. And this withdrawal has led to a loop:

I suppose you're right. Kinda hard to escape a loop, though, when another world is right there, in the back of my head, waiting for me to want it again.

Given your suicidal tendencies-- tendencies that I can understand, no one would want to live in a world that bores them to tears and makes them feel terrible-- I recommend calling your doctor, a suicide hotline, or the nearest psychiatric hospital post haste: all our efforts, and all your efforts, will mean nothing if you die.

The local hospital requires a referral to access psychiatric services. So I intend to see a doctor and try to get one.

But don't feel guilty about wanting to die, please, don't.

I don't feel guilty. Just... tired of dealing with the thoughts, I suppose.

Don't let your pride weigh you down in seeking treatment.

I won't let it. But I'm still wary of psychologists (as opposed to psychiatrists), mainly because I'm afraid of being incapable of explaining myself. I can barely communicate my interpretation of my mind to my friends and family, and they usually give a simplistic or rational explanation and move on. Like it isn't as serious or complicated as I think. Maybe they're right, but shouldn't I know my own mind better than an normal, extroverted person?

The key, then, is breaking the cycle. Doing so requires your volition-- volition that I have hopefully freed from any bonds-- and the assistance of numerous trained professionals.

Volition, volition... in the end that's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I need to make a choice, an effort. Still not sure how I'll manage that in the long run, but at least I've made the decision to see someone at this point... I guess that's the first step, isn't it.

I don't know where you live, I can't help you find them, but look for counselors with lots of experience in your field of suffering: depression and maladaptive coping mechanisms.

The local university where I go has a hospital attached to campus and has health and psychological/psychiatric services. And there's a number of psychologists/counsellors in the area. Most can deal with depression. Not so sure about coping mechanisms, but I'll keep an eye out. And as I said, I'm going to see my family doctor about maybe getting a referral. My experience is that the doctors themselves aren't great (Here's a pill. Go home.). So an actual psych* would be preferable.

Why does it need a reason to exist?

I can't hope to understand the reasoning I developed in that state, or its validity. But part of me believes very strongly in purpose, that everyone needs a purpose, or else why should they be here? Even if we make our own purpose, forge our own destiny as it were, isn't that better than no purpose at all?

So a system as complex as the universe must surely be here for a reason was my thinking.

I mean, cars have purposes, but once they stop working they lose their purpose. So why would our purpose for being alive lie in our death?

I don't think it does, but I think if there is a purpose, it might not be so clear as "live a good life" or anything like that. But at the time, I thought there had to be some sort of purpose. And when a car stops working we shouldn't just trash it. I think we should fix it to begin with, and replace the offending part with one that won't break. It's still the same car, just with a new heart, or body. It can still serve a purpose. Maybe that's too idealistic of me, but it's what I think.

 

[SpaceYeti]

I can't hope to understand the reasoning I developed in that state, or its validity. But part of me believes very strongly in purpose, that everyone needs a purpose, or else why should they be here? Even if we make our own purpose, forge our own destiny as it were, isn't that better than no purpose at all?

Okay, of course people make their own purposes. Purpose doesn't even exist without thinking minds to place it.

So a system as complex as the universe must surely be here for a reason was my thinking.

What does complexity have to do with it?

I don't think it does, but I think if there is a purpose, it might not be so clear as "live a good life" or anything like that. But at the time, I thought there had to be some sort of purpose. And when a car stops working we shouldn't just trash it. I think we should fix it to begin with, and replace the offending part with one that won't break. It's still the same car, just with a new heart, or body. It can still serve a purpose. Maybe that's too idealistic of me, but it's what I think.

No, eventually, a car will either have to be trashed, or it's remade out of new parts and, thus, a different car. My point, however, is that it's purpose lies in it's functional use, not it's dead husk.

 

[Da Blob]

another struggles through hell and manages to remain upbeat

While Others without God in their lives, allow the slightest little frustration or disappointment to be a cause for contemplating suicide...

As far as approaching people, a little bit of academic research can be helpful, if one happens to be blind to nonverbal communication, as I and some others are. There are numerous nonverbal cues concerning approach and withdrawal that can be learned about. Those who are "approachable" usually send out signals as cues and in the other case, those who are withdrawn, consciously or unconsciously also "put out signs" that they are not approachable.

Without a knowledge of nonverbal communication one could be unwittingly displaying the "leave me alone" cues instead of the "I am approachable" cues, Also one could be failing to identify the "I am approachable" cues of Others.

EDIT: do a search with keywords, Approach Withdrawal

EDIT 2: BTW - Social predators often are adept at nonverbal communication, to the point of presenting believable falsehoods. Some displaying "I am approachable" cues are simply baiting a trap...

 

[Duxwing]

At this point there's only a few people I know and see regularly. Two of them have religious faith that gives them purpose, and I can't accept such a thing for myself, one acts like they're fine but seems sad when we talk, another struggles through hell and manages to remain upbeat. I don't know how or why. That person's back in my town, though, after a stint away. Maybe they'll make a good case study.

And I have considered international charity or military missions at various times. The latter more than the former, but I'm not sure I'd fit in as well as in a charity.



Maybe. Maybe not. Like I said, I'm not considering it now that I'm feeling "normal" again.



I want success, in a form. First and foremost, I want a stable, independent life. The ability to separate myself from a familiar place and go somewhere different and survive comfortably. After that I'd like to be able to easily approach people, so that I can make friends and not be completely alone, particularly if I uproot myself and go far, far away. Eventually a relatively "normal" life would be rather nice.

And yes, I have to want something. Purpose is a driving force. No purpose, why bother? That's what I think, anyway. And I don't need to be anyone important, or special. Just me, but better than I am now. Capable of handling life. That's all.



I suppose you're right. Kinda hard to escape a loop, though, when another world is right there, in the back of my head, waiting for me to want it again.



The local hospital requires a referral to access psychiatric services. So I intend to see a doctor and try to get one.



I don't feel guilty. Just... tired of dealing with the thoughts, I suppose.



I won't let it. But I'm still wary of psychologists (as opposed to psychiatrists), mainly because I'm afraid of being incapable of explaining myself. I can barely communicate my interpretation of my mind to my friends and family, and they usually give a simplistic or rational explanation and move on. Like it isn't as serious or complicated as I think. Maybe they're right, but shouldn't I know my own mind better than an normal, extroverted person?



Volition, volition... in the end that's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I need to make a choice, an effort. Still not sure how I'll manage that in the long run, but at least I've made the decision to see someone at this point... I guess that's the first step, isn't it.



The local university where I go has a hospital attached to campus and has health and psychological/psychiatric services. And there's a number of psychologists/counsellors in the area. Most can deal with depression. Not so sure about coping mechanisms, but I'll keep an eye out. And as I said, I'm going to see my family doctor about maybe getting a referral. My experience is that the doctors themselves aren't great (Here's a pill. Go home.). So an actual psych* would be preferable.



I can't hope to understand the reasoning I developed in that state, or its validity. But part of me believes very strongly in purpose, that everyone needs a purpose, or else why should they be here? Even if we make our own purpose, forge our own destiny as it were, isn't that better than no purpose at all?

So a system as complex as the universe must surely be here for a reason was my thinking.



I don't think it does, but I think if there is a purpose, it might not be so clear as "live a good life" or anything like that. But at the time, I thought there had to be some sort of purpose. And when a car stops working we shouldn't just trash it. I think we should fix it to begin with, and replace the offending part with one that won't break. It's still the same car, just with a new heart, or body. It can still serve a purpose. Maybe that's too idealistic of me, but it's what I think.

So get up and get treated! It'll be hard, but doing it becomes easier once it starts! *waves a big "GO LAMBDA" flag*

-Duxwing

 

[crippli]

And now my mother thinks I need a psychologist. Where before I told her how I felt and how I wanted to see a psychologist and she ignored my requests, now I try to explain all this to her, without even mentioning psychologists, and suddenly “I think it's time we bite the bullet”. Now I need to figure out what the hell I actually intend to do.

Yes, a good idea. I had good experience with expert therapists on their field. Okay with psychologists, but the former was better. Either profession was helpful.