Lack of motivation?

[Redfire]

I'm in my last HS year (I'm 17), and I'm from Buenos Aires, Argentina. I could tell you my life story but I don't want to bore you, it's pretty much like any teenage INTP, only HS GPA does not matter here so I slacked year after year. I got all the real knowledge from internet and books: school was just a "How to pass the exams with the minimum effort" game.

But now I sort of regret it. I know this is common of us but I'm too lazy. I can't be that way because even when I know I could, I don't want to be an artist. I have amazing ideas and everything but I don't want to have that sort of life, because what I see is that most true artists make no money: to make money you have to make crap (and it makes sense: most people like crap and not art).

I do think I could be a great philosopher, but I'm not that sure. I wrote a lot of stuff but I'm not that keen in publishing anything. Once I made an essay about Fight Club (the movie) in one night, and everyone was saying they read it and thought it was so good, but I didn't like it. I wasn't THAT good, I can do 100 times better than that.
In my philosophy class my teachers was amazed because one of the pupils watched a set of philosophy documentaries. I mean, wtf? That's impressive? Really? I told her the truth: I don't think philosophy can be teached. It's a contradiction. And that doesn't help me at all but I just enjoy so much telling teachers those things, I can't control myself. I think humans are pathetic and I include myself in that: I just can't stand people who are optimistic. And I don't even know why!

But I have a dilemma and that's why I'm writing this. I was reading about the army, and as you may guess we are not at war. So if you join the subofficers academy you only stay there two years and after that you can go if you wish. During the training the pay you 2000 pesos (500 dollars) per month in the first year, and 2500 (625 dollars) in the second. Since they give you food, bed and everything you need you just save most of the money. You also learn academics (regular ones: chemistry, physics, etc, etc), and an excellent physical training.
But most importantly: I think it may give me the self-discipline I need to achieve things. After that I could rent an apartment and go to college. I could even try to apply to American ones because I would put effort on my academics and try to get really high SAT. (that's something I forgot to mention: I'm sure I will eventually end up living in the US, I can't stand my country anymore. I will even change my name when I get there).

The other option is going straight to college (University of Buenos Aires) and still live with my parents. That's what pisses me off: if I stay here I don't grow. My family is extremely loving and everything but I want to be alone, I'm really tired of having to fake everything is alright. I really have to make a big effort to smile when needed, I'm sick of it.

So I don't know what to do, I'm totally lost. I want a different life, and the army may help me with that, but I may be making the biggest mistake in my life. It's really tough (I would be joining Infantry in order to have a true challenge). But if I make it maybe I could have some self-esteem (I hate myself so much that I enjoy pointing out my own mistakes and intellectually torturing myself: it's so weird).

Thanks in advance for reading, I needed to get this out of myself, sometimes I feel I'm about to explode in rage to myself and everything. The weirdest thing is that I have really close friends and I don't get why would they like me. Also my sister: she looks up to me. I feel so bad about that, I don't want her to be like me. She is the only person I really care about, even when she doesn't know it.

Is it necessary to DO things in life? Or is it better to just be a hedonist?

EDIT: I can't believe it, I thought I would make it short. I really can't help it.

 

[DirtyBit]

We live in a system that has certain rules and generally accepted institutions that limit our agency. Generally, humanity has come to accept as true or be forced into accepting the notion that one can, and indeed must, contribute something to society and will thus get credit (money) that allows him to purchase the fruit of another's labors in exchange for that money.

Within this system, I would say that yes, it is necessary to do things, if you want to survive and exist at a socioeconomic level in which you can live healthily and pursue your interests. What you choose to do is up to you, and within our current system, in order to do certain things there are pre-requisites that must be met that also require certain accredited accomplishments, which also cost money or time or effort. So yea, doing things is generally pretty necessary, unless you already have enough money to survive without working.

 

[ElvenVeil]

hm.. interesting post. I could put myself into almost all of what you say , and claim that would be exactly like me (perhaps with the exception of the army question, and how you regard philosophy)

Anyway, let's focus on your question. I would not join the army if I were you.. The army requires a diciplin that I know would make me go completly into a rigid stance, and that can only cause problems (this I believe would happen to most INTP's)
I am not certain if officer training is that different, but I would be very reluctant to touch anything related to the army.
There are many other ways to get money, so I would do a more careful research on your alternative options before deciding.

(just because I am a little shocked I need to repeat how much I can relate to what you write . . Would love to talk more with you some time )

That is the first part of your post. The second is concerning diciplin..
I can be diciplined.. very diciplined if I work with anything that is of interest to me.. if it doesn't interest me however, then I can hardly make myself do anything really.. keep pushing it away for me with the attitude that says 'I will do that later'
I will assume you can relate to the above, and if so then I'd say that the diciplin is not *that* important.. At least it is not something you will have to force on yourself. It will come in time in your own tempo, and you seem conciderate enough to handle it,.

Therefore: I would not suggest that you pick the army.. get a job, for now accept to live at home until you find a way to move out, nurrish whatever hobbies you have (it can really be satisfying to do what you are good at) , and keep out a little longer.

 

[snafupants]

A lot of Americans thought they were immune from war too, and then the trade center thing went down. Talk to likeminded people and see their take on training and everything in hindsight. Be prepared for anything; it would be a leap of faith.

Do you need to do things in order to live a fulfilling life? Only in so far as those things lead to finding out what makes you truly happy, and you put yourself in a position to meet folks you can relate to, and hopefully establish some type of love, or at least respect, relationship with. Basically, the answer is no if "do things" is equated to corportate drudgery.

That is interesting though that you oppose accomplishing things, presumably in line with society's standards, to being a hedonist. One being completely conformist and the other being rebellious, artistic? That might be okay for spectrum ends; presuming your leaning towards the latter, delayed gratification is necessary too sometimes. Living a perpetual night of debauchery might get old, boring, and finally sad.

Actually I would call myself a mental hedonist, if that counts, constantly searching for something to get me off intellectually. It could come from books, conversation, movies, plays, games, etc. I imagine many if not most of the forum's members are this way.

 

[Hadoblado]

Nice first post.
I have at time had similar feelings about the army, or just anything that will give me the discipline to actually do something. I fear however, that given my (our?) dislike of illogical behavior (particularly when it is forced on me), I would not last long in the army. The infantry is full of coffin fodder idiots who don't have the means to excel in any other aspect of life, so they're put to use holding guns and catching bullets. There is no room in the army for your philosophy, thoughts or ideals, you do what you're told, when you're told, until you're told otherwise.
I have a few friends who have joined the army, there are noticeable differences in their personalities post 'breaking', but the most noticeable thing is the complete lack of happiness. One of my better friends joined and then suffered heat stroke in the initial three weeks or so, and had to pull out. He was told to march and not to stop, and he passed out on his feet. Apparently, this is pretty common in the initial phases, the thing that disturbs me is the high potential for permanent brain damage is all but ignored. My friend is now a clinically depressed bartender, when he used to be the happiest guy.

By the sound of it you have talent in other areas, I recommend you find a way to put those talents to use.

 

[Redfire]

I truly thank you all for the answers.

I believe there are two ways to take life. One is to lead life towards a certain direction, the other to just enjoy the moment. I was talking about that. There could be such a thing as a mental hedonist, just reading and watching films and so on, but not leading all the intellectual effort anywhere in particular.

I could go on with everything you say but I'm not sure of what I think, I'll just have to think about it through the year.