sugomon
Young INTP
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- Today 1:47 AM
- Joined
- May 29, 2015
- Messages
- 2
Respectively, I'm in my first year of high school. I'm homeschooled. And female. And an avid writer, which only gives me more reason to be in my head. And an INTP. Yeah, things ain't easy, but I wouldn't change it. (When I was a preteen, I tested as an INTJ and thought it was super cool and refused to accept that I wasn't one...) I've got a lot of time to reflect on myself, but not many places to look for discussions of this caliber. I guess I just want to discuss experiences in friendship.
My mom is an INFJ (sometimes she tests as INFP) and my grandma is an ISFJ. I've never felt lonely because if I need to bounce my inner feelings off someone and have secure discussions, I have them. (In other words, I've never craved a relationship simply so I can feel understood, because I've always had that.) We're very close. (My dad is most likely a thinker and a judger.)
When it comes to my mom, we share our need for space and often complain about clingy people. However, I realized recently that my needs in friendship seem monumentally different from the needs of my other friends. Or past friends. Usually past friends. One of my better friendships are based online, but we recently had a falling out of sorts. In real life, I have many acquaintances, but I haven't found anyone "worthy" (INTPs, you know what I mean) of seeing more of my layers.
I'm drawn to people with a good sense of humor. It's kind of a defense mechanism for me--humor. I find it pretty easy to joke around superficially, though sometimes my jokes get too "deep" for other people and I'm met with blank stares. But then, if I try to establish friendships with these people, I'm met with emotional outbursts when I'm just showing off the first layers of myself. When I enjoy talking to someone, I'm often outgoing and engaged, but people mistake this for trust. Eventually I realize that they're in much deeper than I am and that they're emotionally needy, so I leave the friendship without looking back. Literally, all of my friendships have gone that way.
But the one I referred to earlier is a bit different, since I actually shared my inner feelings and thoughts as opposed to leaving without a word. He's older than me--in his very early twenties. (On another note, I've found that online, I generally gravitate to people who are in their early twenties, but often still have the same problems with them even if they're initially around my maturity level.) We had similar interests, similar humor, and a lot of opinions to share and debates to start.
He blindsided me by saying he felt we were something deeper, and began to misinterpret most everything I said. (I don't know what his type is, but emotionally, he's way too much sometimes.) He became somewhat delusional and thought I felt similarly about him in terms of closeness and whatnot.
Needless to say, I did not, and his behavior made me withdraw.
Here is something I told him in our messages: "I don't want to continue this friendship as much as you do. I never have and I think you know that. The things we want are different. How we work on the friendship is different. Our needs are monumentally different and can't seem to coexist. We've always been on different levels of how deep we were. In what ways we were deep. Our largest misunderstandings were over this."
(Another tidbit: I have a decent grasp on my emotions, but that's only because I consciously started trying to feel them. Pushing them off makes me have panic attacks, which is counterproductive.)
He was emotionally illogical but otherwise seemed logical and critical (this threw me off and made me gravitate to him), complacent in life (he accepts this as a flaw and is working on himself), somewhat clingy/needy, etc. Eventually the feeling of being confined and the endless cycles, along with recognizing that he grew much more slowly than I, made me not want to continue the friendship.
I liked to keep emotional harmony because the risk of saying or doing something I'd have to deal with emotionally terrified me. It kept me from saying a lot of things. It kept me from expressing a lot of opinions. It kept me from expressing myself fully. I relate it to my distance, but sometimes people resort to calling me fake. I've changed since then, I guess because I tried to grasp my emotions. I think I'm decently developed for a young INTP--I want to grow, discover new things, and get out of my head!
A little. I can always just go back to it when things get boring.
I decided not to break off our friendship completely and he had his epiphany (this one, he actually learned from), but as far as I'm concerned, I'll always be emotionally distant from him. It's made me much happier. I enjoy autonomy and I definitely need it.
Again, I'm not sure what his type is, but he shares the same views of friendship as most of my past friends did. He wants someone he can rely on and someone to rely on him. Yadda yadda.
What I search for is an understanding of space, independence, and someone who can analyze the friendship and analyze themselves so that growth is attainable. I also want them to know that all my actions don't necessarily correlate with how I feel for them (in terms of harsh comments, etc.). I told him that growth was one of the best parts of life, but I preferred it in both independent and non-independent ways (growth of the self and growth of the friendship). And when growth is no longer attainable, I generally disconnect myself from my emotions (I love this trait--it's kinda survivalistic but has helped me a lot), analyze what would be best for my well-being, and often leave the friendship because that's just the conclusion I come to.
He saw it as "kinda shitty." And he said he understands that it's logical. The thing he doesn't get is that it's not necessarily logical--it's also an emotional decision for me.
Now we're having rather intelligent conversations that interest me and appeal to my ideal of growth and debate, since he's resolved things and wants to "fix" it. I'm fine with how it is now, but I won't hesitate to disconnect completely if history repeats itself.
I've let go and feel happier because of it. Letting go is, first and foremost, releasing all my inhibitions. Whatever I do to achieve that is a fair price. I came to the conclusions that I did because he always seemed to dig up things I thought were solved. I learned not to trust resolution on his side and also decided not to get too invested in achieving it. Doing so only to be disappointed was emotionally draining.
Fellow INTPs: Have you had any experiences like this? And, in your experience, what are the best kinds of people to make friendships with? What do they typically exude?
I really want to find better people to be friends, or even acquaintances, with instead of always being drawn to emotionally toxic people. I definitely want and need to resolve this before I start looking into romantic relationships (not that I'm in any rush). This is one of the many aspects I need to mature in.
My mom is an INFJ (sometimes she tests as INFP) and my grandma is an ISFJ. I've never felt lonely because if I need to bounce my inner feelings off someone and have secure discussions, I have them. (In other words, I've never craved a relationship simply so I can feel understood, because I've always had that.) We're very close. (My dad is most likely a thinker and a judger.)
When it comes to my mom, we share our need for space and often complain about clingy people. However, I realized recently that my needs in friendship seem monumentally different from the needs of my other friends. Or past friends. Usually past friends. One of my better friendships are based online, but we recently had a falling out of sorts. In real life, I have many acquaintances, but I haven't found anyone "worthy" (INTPs, you know what I mean) of seeing more of my layers.
I'm drawn to people with a good sense of humor. It's kind of a defense mechanism for me--humor. I find it pretty easy to joke around superficially, though sometimes my jokes get too "deep" for other people and I'm met with blank stares. But then, if I try to establish friendships with these people, I'm met with emotional outbursts when I'm just showing off the first layers of myself. When I enjoy talking to someone, I'm often outgoing and engaged, but people mistake this for trust. Eventually I realize that they're in much deeper than I am and that they're emotionally needy, so I leave the friendship without looking back. Literally, all of my friendships have gone that way.
But the one I referred to earlier is a bit different, since I actually shared my inner feelings and thoughts as opposed to leaving without a word. He's older than me--in his very early twenties. (On another note, I've found that online, I generally gravitate to people who are in their early twenties, but often still have the same problems with them even if they're initially around my maturity level.) We had similar interests, similar humor, and a lot of opinions to share and debates to start.
He blindsided me by saying he felt we were something deeper, and began to misinterpret most everything I said. (I don't know what his type is, but emotionally, he's way too much sometimes.) He became somewhat delusional and thought I felt similarly about him in terms of closeness and whatnot.
Needless to say, I did not, and his behavior made me withdraw.
Here is something I told him in our messages: "I don't want to continue this friendship as much as you do. I never have and I think you know that. The things we want are different. How we work on the friendship is different. Our needs are monumentally different and can't seem to coexist. We've always been on different levels of how deep we were. In what ways we were deep. Our largest misunderstandings were over this."
(Another tidbit: I have a decent grasp on my emotions, but that's only because I consciously started trying to feel them. Pushing them off makes me have panic attacks, which is counterproductive.)
He was emotionally illogical but otherwise seemed logical and critical (this threw me off and made me gravitate to him), complacent in life (he accepts this as a flaw and is working on himself), somewhat clingy/needy, etc. Eventually the feeling of being confined and the endless cycles, along with recognizing that he grew much more slowly than I, made me not want to continue the friendship.
I liked to keep emotional harmony because the risk of saying or doing something I'd have to deal with emotionally terrified me. It kept me from saying a lot of things. It kept me from expressing a lot of opinions. It kept me from expressing myself fully. I relate it to my distance, but sometimes people resort to calling me fake. I've changed since then, I guess because I tried to grasp my emotions. I think I'm decently developed for a young INTP--I want to grow, discover new things, and get out of my head!
A little. I can always just go back to it when things get boring.
I decided not to break off our friendship completely and he had his epiphany (this one, he actually learned from), but as far as I'm concerned, I'll always be emotionally distant from him. It's made me much happier. I enjoy autonomy and I definitely need it.
Again, I'm not sure what his type is, but he shares the same views of friendship as most of my past friends did. He wants someone he can rely on and someone to rely on him. Yadda yadda.
What I search for is an understanding of space, independence, and someone who can analyze the friendship and analyze themselves so that growth is attainable. I also want them to know that all my actions don't necessarily correlate with how I feel for them (in terms of harsh comments, etc.). I told him that growth was one of the best parts of life, but I preferred it in both independent and non-independent ways (growth of the self and growth of the friendship). And when growth is no longer attainable, I generally disconnect myself from my emotions (I love this trait--it's kinda survivalistic but has helped me a lot), analyze what would be best for my well-being, and often leave the friendship because that's just the conclusion I come to.
He saw it as "kinda shitty." And he said he understands that it's logical. The thing he doesn't get is that it's not necessarily logical--it's also an emotional decision for me.
Now we're having rather intelligent conversations that interest me and appeal to my ideal of growth and debate, since he's resolved things and wants to "fix" it. I'm fine with how it is now, but I won't hesitate to disconnect completely if history repeats itself.
I've let go and feel happier because of it. Letting go is, first and foremost, releasing all my inhibitions. Whatever I do to achieve that is a fair price. I came to the conclusions that I did because he always seemed to dig up things I thought were solved. I learned not to trust resolution on his side and also decided not to get too invested in achieving it. Doing so only to be disappointed was emotionally draining.
Fellow INTPs: Have you had any experiences like this? And, in your experience, what are the best kinds of people to make friendships with? What do they typically exude?
I really want to find better people to be friends, or even acquaintances, with instead of always being drawn to emotionally toxic people. I definitely want and need to resolve this before I start looking into romantic relationships (not that I'm in any rush). This is one of the many aspects I need to mature in.
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