"you look lovely"

[Hadoblado]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yakx7XC6eg0&feature=g-vrec

While I generally find David Mitchell quite funny, this actually sums up one of my inadequacies quite well: I cannot give meaningful compliments.

I remember once in high-school we had a fill-in teacher who seemed like a bit of a twat. They made us play a game where we each publicly give a compliment to the person next to us in a circle. I found it impossible, going with 'you have nice ears'.

Do any of you have this issue?

 

[Lot]

I can relate to this. I have this irrational fear that every woman thinks that I'm a creep. So If I say they look nice, then they'll think that I want to rape them or spend all my creepy time thinking about them.

On the other hand I have no issue with complimenting men. I find it funny when they get uncomfortable when I tell them how handsome they look or what great people they are.

Clearly I put too much stock in what women think of me.

 

[Hadoblado]

Yes! I have far less of an issue complimenting men (though I till don't do it very often), and I can relate very strongly to the self creepiness paranoia.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I rarely ever give out compliments, mostly because of disinterest, and when it comes to females mostly because of creepiness.

I do have a thing for women with curly / frizzy hair, especially when bushy, and also short hair like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, I might be tempted to say something then.

I once told one female "I like your hair", after she had changed her style and it seemed she kept it that way ever since.

 

[Cognisant]

If someone I'm working with is going on holiday or simply moving to a different shift I'll complain that it means I'll actually have to do some work now, people love "unintended" compliments like that, even in a really sarcastic voice it just sounds like I'm trying to indirectly say I'll miss them.

Likewise I'll tell people to "Shut up" or "Stop that" because "you're making me look bad".

 

[nanook]

there is a "not knowing what is happening" involved in being creative about compliments, because you really can't know how she will take it. this isn't compatible with controlling *your own emotional experience through the mind, by controlling what situation you allow your self to get into. so a habitual unconscious fear of emotions (in the form of habitual control) will delete creativity in the first place.

(*rhetoric "you", i was thinking about myself)

 

[snafupants]

I offhandedly throw out compliments to people, without concern for its appearance.

Perhaps imbuing the gesture with more meaning that it's worth psychs people out.

 

[redbaron]

To be honest, 'you look nice' is kind of pithy even if it is sincere. If I compliment a female I generally try to relate it to something they about them. 'Those earrings look really pretty on you' or, 'I think you look outstanding in that dress' or simply, 'you look amazing'. The word, 'nice' is just so generic. If someone was to tell me that I looked, 'nice' I wouldn't really be that flattered.

Then again I'm not a female, so maybe I'm wrong. It just seems that women will respond positively if you compliment something unique about them as opposed to, 'you look nice'. Especially if the girl is relatively attractive, she's probably heard that from 50 other guys.

Dependent on the girl, they might find a 1 on 1 compliment shallow anyway. If you compliment them in front of others, or simply make comment on how they look where others can obviously hear, it might go over well.

Also dependent on the relationship, if it's a girl you're already relatively intimate/flirty with, you can go further without being creepy.

 

[Cognisant]

To be honest, 'you look nice' is kind of pithy even if it is sincere.

Unless it's something like:

*walks past*
*comes back* Oh, you changed your hair *continues walking*

 

[TriflinThomas]

I usually compliment what they're wearing because it's less awkward for both men and women. Although, I rarely compliment men because either they don't need it (because they get enough attention already), they're not used to it (which means they'll usually be a tad weird about it), or they're sexually insecure.

 

[Jennywocky]

Then again I'm not a female, so maybe I'm wrong. It just seems that women will respond positively if you compliment something unique about them as opposed to, 'you look nice'. Especially if the girl is relatively attractive, she's probably heard that from 50 other guys.

Well, "you have pretty eyes" is better than "you look nice," but I still don't respond to one-liners like that on dating sites.

TBH, saying, "This is a great conversation," or engaging me on a more than superficial level is a better compliment, even if it's nice to hear that you like my hair or my eyes or my laugh, etc.

 

[crippli]

I had a guy stop me on the street a few months ago and ask if he could photograp my feet. It was an interest of his. I froze. And I looked at him, and I looked around. Ok, I was safe, middle of the street, lots of people around and hot sun. Then I looked closer, and the guy was sweating a whole lot. Clearly nervous. I didn't say anything, just looked at him for a while, while thinking. Then I though, why not? It's clear it will make him happy, and I'm not in a rush. And while I was thinking he made several compliments on how much he liked my outfit and it would take just a few seconds.

I kinda changed from initially creeped out, to that I found it to be funny. I took off one of my shoes and he took several pictures, while I was posing, and only of the feet and legs, since I wasn't wearing all that much clothes, and that was like the deal, the feet, and took his own sweaty feet in socks beside my feet and made comparisons. That was on the edge as I did not want physical contact, but complied to that as well, a round in the washing machine should fix any contamination. One picture it seemed to be low and upwards . I'm not sure I gave permission to do that., so I rased my eyebrow, and the camera was turned downwards again.

People stopped and stared at what what was going on. Haha, what a peculiar person. It was fun, I liked it. If more people behaved like this I would put in more effort as to how I look. As the general rule is that people barely notice me. And if I put in a lot of effort I may as well bo scorned and looked at sideways, and get attention I don't want. I must say I much prefer the fetishist to these regular people. I find that to be both childish and innocent. Just pure lust, and no hidden agenda. Of course, he is probably going to masturbate to those pictures, but that is not a concern of mine.

Random compliments doesn't really do all that much to me. Often I feel that people do it out of pity. Sometimes I feel that other people feel I need encouragement. Perhaps it's true, don't know. I also sometimes just say to people. *mouth open, big eyes, pretends to be paralyzed* "Oh My God,that outfit looks awesome, do you want to sell it?"

 

[redbaron]

Well, "you have pretty eyes" is better than "you look nice," but I still don't respond to one-liners like that on dating sites.

TBH, saying, "This is a great conversation," or engaging me on a more than superficial level is a better compliment, even if it's nice to hear that you like my hair or my eyes or my laugh, etc.

I thought I said that. I guess not - I'm glad you pointed it out.

I think what I was trying to say is that whether or not it comes across as creepy is more to do with the context than what is said, but that in general you should try to compliment something unique about that person.

Dating sites didn't really cross my mind, I was talking about real life interaction but I suppose it would be the same deal.

 

[Solitaire U.]

Compliments = motivation and encouragement.

I like to encourage and motivate others. The fringe benefits are quite rewarding (+ it makes my job a hell of a lot easier).

 

[doncarlzone]

there is a "not knowing what is happening" involved in being creative about compliments, because you really can't know how she will take it. this isn't compatible with controlling *your own emotional experience through the mind, by controlling what situation you allow your self to get into. so a habitual unconscious fear of emotions (in the form of habitual control) will delete creativity in the first place.

(*rhetoric "you", i was thinking about myself)

+1

This fear, which I suffer a lot from, is usually rather irrational. However, The good thing about not giving many compliments, is the effect our compliments can have on others. Given the rarity of our compliments, they seem much more genuine compared to those of an ENFP for instance.

 

[H1N1]

In my experience I find that people generally receive my compliments well. However if I were in the position to force-compliment someone, such as OP, I'm unsure it would be received well. In my head compliments are received well when they are meaningful and come from the heart or you know, personal like of something. I think complimenting others might be a natural thing for me. I don't know how to really have conversations. I know how to ask questions and compliment others. I'm exceptionally good at combining the two. Resume builder right here.

 

[eagor]

i find it much easier to compliment there genitalia, after a while people will atop making the mistake of seeking compliments from me.

 

[Duxwing]

I have the same problem. It always feels stupid, irrational, and my Si kicks in and gives me a nasty taste in my mouth (I kid you not). Then it leaves both of us feeling more awkward than before the compliment; therefore, I don't give many out. However, there is the fringe benefit of each one having more "weight" to it, and their thought-out nature tends to really get people in the gut. For example: "I've noticed that you all are quite polite. I wish I could do that; it seems like the fringe benefits are good, but I don't know if the price (illogic) is right". I could tell that she went reeling inside by the fact that it took her well over a second and a half to respond.

-Duxwing

 

[NinjaSurfer]

To compliment people-- all you have to do is genuinely put yourself in their shoes. It's not easy because I don't think INTPs are born with empathy. That's kind of vague so I'll lay out my process:

Complimenting Females
1. Your choices are simple: body part, clothing, jewelry, shoes, or hair. [stay away from "nice tits!"] It's either how she looks, or how she behaves, one or the other, doesn't matter all that much (see #5).
2. Pick something unique & specific. Or, just pick something that she does and say you like it. (ex: "I like how you're always happy." or "I like the way you always ignore me when I try to flirt with you")
3. On second thought, stay away from any body part, unless it's really fringe like hands or feet (like if she just got her nails done).
4. Try to pick something new she did/wore that day; like an ankle bracelet (that usually has some kind of meaning) or a new way she does her hair.
5. It does come down (90%+) to HOW you say it. You could say something as innocuous as "omg your fingers are so slender, that's sexy!"-- and you could either come off as a creep or as a James Bond.
6. So better to practice the "how" than the "what."


Complimenting Males
1. "dude, you're getting kind of buff [feels bicep area], you been working out?"

or

2. "hey man did you get skinnier since last time?"


that's about it.

 

[Personification]

I rarely ever give out compliments, mostly because of disinterest.

Pretty much this, genuine indifference to other people leads to awkward small talks mostly consisting of mimicry of what the other person is saying, as if weighing every sentence then giving it a value and returning a sentence of similar value. The first bout of this might seem nice, but people quickly catch on and stop pursuing conversation with me.

A bit more topical: I can not recall the last time I complimented anyone. . . But given the scenario I am not sure if I could compliment a person directly, because I do not trend in lying, and people are not perfect. In appearance the closest thing I'd be prone to compliment would be clothes because you just pick a distinguished feature and remark on it being distinguished and they'll probably perceive it as a compliment.

 

[Trebuchet]

As usual, Jennywocky summed everything up nicely. "I always enjoy talking to you," is a much better compliment. That doesn't just apply to INTPs, either. Everyone likes to hear that they are interesting and fun.

I pretty much agreed with the video. Being female, I have to say I don't really enjoy compliments on my appearance unless the context makes it appropriate. I enjoy compliments from my husband at any time.

I also like feedback from anyone that my appearance is correct. I went out on a bachelorette party for a dear friend. I didn't have such a party, nor had I attended one before, and I was worried that my clothes weren't right for the occasion. The others all said I looked nice, and I took that to mean I had chosen acceptable clothes. What a relief!

There is absolutely no reason for a coworker, acquaintance, or random stranger to comment on my appearance, unless it is to tell me I have toilet paper on my shoe. Failing to comment on my appearance seems like a great idea.

 

[Duxwing]

To compliment people-- all you have to do is genuinely put yourself in their shoes. It's not easy because I don't think INTPs are born with empathy. That's kind of vague so I'll lay out my process:

Complimenting Females
1. Your choices are simple: body part, clothing, jewelry, shoes, or hair. [stay away from "nice tits!"] It's either how she looks, or how she behaves, one or the other, doesn't matter all that much (see #5).
2. Pick something unique & specific. Or, just pick something that she does and say you like it. (ex: "I like how you're always happy." or "I like the way you always ignore me when I try to flirt with you")
3. On second thought, stay away from any body part, unless it's really fringe like hands or feet (like if she just got her nails done).
4. Try to pick something new she did/wore that day; like an ankle bracelet (that usually has some kind of meaning) or a new way she does her hair.
5. It does come down (90%+) to HOW you say it. You could say something as innocuous as "omg your fingers are so slender, that's sexy!"-- and you could either come off as a creep or as a James Bond.
6. So better to practice the "how" than the "what."


Complimenting Males
1. "dude, you're getting kind of buff [feels bicep area], you been working out?"

or

2. "hey man did you get skinnier since last time?"


that's about it.

I think you've neglected a few giants in there, and I'm not talking about the boobs. Don't forget, the power of a compliment is truly the relief it brings from the inevitable conclusions of representationalism and existentialism: Isolation. Logically, it is impossible for you to share in another's conscious experience, nor is it possible for another to share in yours; however, via emotion, an insightful, well timed and executed compliment can alleviate this isolation, albeit temporarily.

Depending on talent, the relief ranges from trivial to immense, and, for the first time in years, Pavlovian conditioning is your friend. Provided that you can create this sense of "shared" consciousness reliably, sentient beings will be drawn to you like iron filings to the proverbial magnet. In fact, the compliment is just a special case of what I call insight-driven emotional transaction: via insight, you modify another's emotion. In other words, by assuming (as I've proved above) that compliments are just insults that feel good, or vice versa, one can realize that socialization is simply an attempt-- though futile in the long-term-- to repress the knowledge that each of us is truly forever alone.

-Duxwing

 

[Dapper Dan]

Complimenting Males
1. "dude, you're getting kind of buff [feels bicep area], you been working out?"

or

2. "hey man did you get skinnier since last time?"


that's about it.

Yeah... no.

 

[NinjaSurfer]

I think you've neglected a few giants in there, and I'm not talking about the boobs. Don't forget, the power of a compliment is truly the relief it brings from the inevitable conclusions of representationalism and existentialism: Isolation. Logically, it is impossible for you to share in another's conscious experience, nor is it possible for another to share in yours; however, via emotion, an insightful, well timed and executed compliment can alleviate this isolation, albeit temporarily.

Depending on talent, the relief ranges from trivial to immense, and, for the first time in years, Pavlovian conditioning is your friend. Provided that you can create this sense of "shared" consciousness reliably, sentient beings will be drawn to you like iron filings to the proverbial magnet. In fact, the compliment is just a special case of what I call insight-driven emotional transaction: via insight, you modify another's emotion. In other words, by assuming (as I've proved above) that compliments are just insults that feel good, or vice versa, one can realize that socialization is simply an attempt-- though futile in the long-term-- to repress the knowledge that each of us is truly forever alone.

-Duxwing

I like the way you deconstructed "compliments" into "emotional transactions."



I forgot to mention how a straight guy can compliment a gay guy. Just about anything you say to a gay guy will flatter him.

 

[Hadoblado]

Nice dick!

 

[Lot]

I forgot to mention how a straight guy can compliment a gay guy. Just about anything you say to a gay guy will flatter him.

I've had some bad situations complementing gay guys. I had a co-worker that I told had a nice voice (he did, it was very musical). After that I had given him a ride home (yeah I was totally leading him on). Next thing I know he's stalking me on FB and what not. It took months of talking about girls and Jesus before he finally got the hint. The other time was a buddy I met on Gaiaonline. Although, I think at this point he only tries to flirt with me to creep me out, or test the water. He's winning at the former.

I'm a victim of my own crime. What ever, it's still funny to watch people squirm.

 

[EditorOne]

"Being female, I have to say I don't really enjoy compliments on my appearance unless the context makes it appropriate."

Yeah, so let me remind or forewarn all who don't know this or who haven't applied it in the context of this thread yet: Appearance compliments in the contemporary workplace are almost always NOT appropriate. You'll become grist for the human resources department's dehumanizing machines if anybody takes an appearance compliment the wrong way. And we all know how often INTPs are misunderstood, right? Right? Right?

This is probably an unnecessary warning, but I just have a nagging image of a brightfaced 20-something INTP in his first management job trying to just be nice and remembering this thread and trying to say something complimentary to someone and having it explode in his/her utterly bewildered face......

 

[Hadoblado]

bwahaha not much chance of that occurring.

 

[Vidi]

I think genuine interest is the best compliment one can give. I compliment appearance only if there is an opportunity to say it casually and I can get away with it without making an event of it. Strangely, enthusiasm about someone's new gadgets or any other number of things is quite often taken for a compliment too.
Personal compliments in the workplace I would find more startling then a mothership with green people landing in its backyard. Speaking from experience, sometime ago, I received one, something about my clothes, and that was at work and followed by the question where I was buying them. My reaction made it awkward for both of us, as I replied rhetorically 'Interesting question, isn't it?' and continued with what I was doing, switching on my 'ignore' button on everyone.