Yet another INxP thread

[louiesgonnadie]

WARNING - this will be long. Strap in your attention span before proceeding.

So a few months ago, I became pretty sure I was an INFP, or an xNFP at the least. However, recently self doubt (one of my biggest specialties) has kicked in. I've been reading past threads and posts of mine on various forums(which were rather pointless to put it honestly), and some other INTP forums of sorts - and something doesn't seem right here. I mean, I feel like a lot of the shit I write and much of the musings roaming around my head have an Fi attribution to them - but when I try to identify my inferior - I don't really see a logical crux manifesting, it's actually one of the things I try to rely on in a stressful situation (even though I can be VERY self critical at first in these situations). I can't really explain this, but recent situations I've been dont really give off that inferior Te vibe. In other words, I feel like I'm too rational to have an inferior thinking function - this isn't to say feeling types can't be rational, they certainly can, especially the enneagram 5 feelers (which I suspect is my enneatype). But I get intuitive vibes that point away from an inferior thinking function....actually, that's all I'm doing for the most part, intuiting guesses. Fuck it. I can't go off into a tangent right now, damn auxiliary Ne. I'm just going to pull out some random behavioral patterns and thought processes to try and hint at which functions I may prefer, although I realized that only takes you so far, it can be like attempting to teach your dog a new trick but your way of attempting to get through to him is saying the same word over and over and pulling at random parts of his body, leaving the poor thing confused. Why do I attempt to be funny and fail? Oh, that's right...hhmph. Fuck it....this may be long....

when I was a child, I was quite the....confusing one. I was plagued by certain disorders like ADHD and one that starting fucking with my head later in life, even to this day. I had trouble doing many things early on, like for example, I sucked at video games and would get fustrated, so I had to have my dad help me...throughout the whole damn game. But I quickly started growing out of that phase, and when I was about 8 or 9 I became more independent. Looking back, if i can recall, I was a little stubborn, which COULD point towards Fi (ie i used to watch the weather channel, and I insisted that it was better then any other weather network, just because it was my favorite and main source of info...then as i got older I started expanded my horizons and judged things like that in a more logical manner or if it made sense to me. however, im not sure if that means i could have had Fi (or maybe Si?) as a dom function and then started exploring my other functions as i grew? or was i putting emphasis on my weaker functions somehow? or does that excerpt not say much in regards to my type? I was also much more cheerful compared to now, although that could be contributed to hyperactivity. However that recollection of memory did lead me to wonder if I am suffering from a depression that is masking me as other types? I was a lot more impulsive to share information back then (i remember right after i reached puberty i was excited to tell my dad, for some odd fucking reason...ugh, I was such a little prick back then) or perhaps as I get older I am evolving into my true self? Meh.

Okay, back on the topic train - as a preteen, I had these obsessive interests. I obsessed over interests like dogs, to the point where I memorized every dog breed in a week. The pokemon games were fascinating to me as well, I loved looking at new strategies from cheat guides and then using them to become better. One that really stood out, though, was weather. GOD, was I obsessed with that shit. To the point where I would go out in snowstorms or flooding rains, and wanted to be a crazed storm chaser in the middle of Kansas. One remarkable thing about me and my interests...I was interested in a more categorical manner, instead of burying into this material and quickly gaining information (this is why I questioned my N for a time...but this probably doesn't say much, and I suspect it had to do with disorders) One thing I loved doing was creating hypothetical scenarios based off of things I was interested in. Movies. Music. During my weather phase, as a kid, I would go in my backyard and pretended weeds, shrubs, plants and gardens were actually towns, cites, and suburban areas - I twisted my own reality and started viewing my backyard as a separate geographical landscape, a new world...so I could take a hose and pretend hurricanes, tornadoes and floods were demolishing this geographical wonder...and I would inspect the damage afterwards. Ugh, would I skydive rapidly towards the ground just to relive those days... one thing that was really fascinating about my interests was the fact that I didn't need food or sleep to alleviate my concentration...my level of fascination was so high that it fed my appetite! Okay, adderall can maybe contribute to this somewhat...but even now, this has occurred while reading up on MBTI. That is just so cool. Other things about me as a kid...whenever my parents fought, I would trap myself in my room and not speak to them until they made up (which indicated some weaker form of Fe to me). I detested divorced individuals, for reasons that I cannot recall, just the thought of it made me really uncomfortable ( I'd guess immature Fi dominance there?) I was overly sensitive to criticism and harsh feedback, or teasing, or anything of the like - I would take it literally. I was quiet, but not so much introspective (like I am now) as much as wanting to stay drama free, and live in harmony with everyone (in other words, not really an inner harmony but wanting everyone to feel the same way I did, usually positively) I also had a desire to be looked upon as more mature for my age, or a better way of putting it: whenever I was around adults I wanted to be looked upon as one of them rather than a child. That is why I would join in during conversations between, say, my parents and their friends. I also watched shows like American Idol, and while I did get emotionally attached to some contestants and started rooting for them...later on I suspected that it was probably due to me "personalizing" this, basically I wanted said contestant to reach a certain level in the competition I was content with, and this made me feel like I accomplished something, because I didnt feel like I accomplished anything in my life. However, I was fascinated by the voting system, and the patterns surrounding it, and how certain demographics and trends would affect that system...and theories about the show in general. I don't know what else to write so fuck it, fast forwarding to today...

today I am crippled by anxiety, depression, concern, and bitterness of the world around me and what I think I have become. However, instead of wallowing around in shame like I used to when I was a recluse, I am trying to do something about it and get my life together. Just a couple years ago, I would strongly identify with the Ji-Si loop theory - I would sought advice from people but find other ways to dismiss it, create really weak rebuttals, basically give in to anxiety instead of actually doing something about it....my thinking was very rigid. Recently I have been taking in the mentality of being more open minded and replenish myself as a whole, taking small steps. However I have other issues that get in the way of this, like, say, making a mistake that is humiliating to the degree where I go inside my head and analyse the cause of that particular problem, finding ways to view that mistake. I may also find ways to deal with situations like that in the future but sometimes I am so dumbfounded as to why I keep making these mistakes? Is my anxiety affecting my concentration? Either way I try to find the root of that problem without looking at every angle (I have trouble finding angles in some situations) some of you may say this is Ni, but I suspect it is Ji-Si getting stuck in a rut....but what do I know. Okay, that was just one problem I was referencing....maybe I do have an easier time looking at angles of every situation and then contrasting them together to find the sum of the problem. It's really hard discerning my head when it is so scatterbrained. Bah.

I remember I used to be energized by the idea of being in love, finding that special someone to be with forever. I used to create these dream girls in my head, usually during my reclusive period. But a while ago I realized that I might not be that interesting of a person... So I decided i needed to focus on myself more before I started approaching this particular goal of mine. I don't know, the thing about love is tricky....I crave that feeling of harmony of two souls expressing feelings and caring for each other, but the thing is I've never been in a relationship before, ever. I suspect my mind was brainwashed watching tv shows and movies portraying elements of love when I was a child, and being intricately fascinated by this particular phenomenon. Logically speaking, love is really the last thing I need right now, if you exclude loneliness. You can accomplish so many things without it. Yet I feel like a healthy relationship will give me the jolt and confidence I need to maintain a consistent positive mentality in life, which will lead to success. (Then again, how can "success" be measured? In this case, probably internally.)

now, discerning my relationships with people, or taking a crack at how people may think of me, see me, feel of me, whatever. I am very aloof, and this is usually on a scale depending on how my mood is. Some people greatly misunderstand me because of this. Stupid things I say, missing certain clues in an environment, not grasping the basic concept of a certain board game during my first time playing, whatever. I'm like a skunk - you know how people judge them based on how they smell? Who knows, skunks may be some of the most amazing souls organisms on the planet have to offer! But no one gives them a chance because they smell like other decaying organisms found in deep underwater trenches. Eh, thats kind of how it is with me. Not to say people strongly dislike me...but there is a general annoyance, for sure, from time to time. Some people admire me for my honesty, and sense of humor, but anxiety really gets in the way of my friendships with people, thus people sometimes never get to know me that well. By that, I mean, I get so anxious talking to someone that I break down and start resembling Forrest Gump on ecstasy. Okay, not really. But social anxiety can be crippling, for sure. I've been trying to break this habit by socializing with people on an every-other-day basis at least but for the most part, this feeling is out of my control.

About how I view people - a lot of the behavioral patterns of certain people my age (I'm 19) deeply annoy me, watching loud girls on a train talk about their experiences seeing that cute boy wink at them (aka nothing) but talking over each other, resembling utter nonsense that sounds deafening...for example. I've been overly judgemental towards people for things like this in the past, which is why I was so sure I was Fi-dominant for a couple months, but then I mulled it over a little more and found out it may have had something to do with negative experiences with people in the past - and it may have muddled into my subconscious ways of thinking I suspect. I really try to see the positive in people though, I find myself complimenting people every once in a while. One thing that does annoy me, however - when someone likes me, a part if me feels like I have to like them, regardless of what kind of person they are (unless its Casey Anthony we're talking about) and vice versa if someone dislikes me. Blah, feelings suck. Life would be easier if I was a robot beneath all this flesh. (Heh, not really.)

As far as my mentalities toward life go right now - I am rather cynical. I've had a hard life. It really shows in my sense of humor...a year ago or so I started watching a lot of late George Carlin and Louis CK standup, and the like, to try modeling my sense of humor based off of their attitudes...mostly because i could really relate to it. I think I have picked up on their concept of comedy, from a very black point of view, so if I felt like writing a half and hour standup script I think I could be able to successfully architect my excerpts into a comedic show. In other words, I feel like I have the potential to resemble comedians like them (okay, probably not Carlin, more in the realm of C.K. and even moreso, alt-comedy land) but the problem is some people actually pick up on my cynicism too well - and then it's no longer funny, it becomes a second rate version of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch - but only one man ranting and raving about the absurdities of life and his observations and perceptions. God, what am I going on about.

BUT WAIT! There's more....some other fun facts about me, hopefully hinting at my archetype:

sometimes I find joy in self deprication, cynicism, and especially the ironies surrounding it - it makes me feel sane, in a way. That's why I love black comedy and love implementing it into my sense of humor as well...it's fuel for my passion, in a way, and I'm usually very successful if I'm passionate about something (ooh, I smell some Fi cooking?!) interestingly enough, movies, shows and music aimed to make you feel good or does indeed make most people happy (I don't know, think any cheesy Adam Sandler movie or that one Phil Collins song from that Tarzan movie, or fuck, most Disney movies in general) either freak me out or make me feel depressed, or both, starting with the former. To wash this disturbing feeling away, I have to resort to the cynicism, so I can feel sane again. This is probably why I listen to a lot of dark, intense, and thoughtful music. In other words, the wires of my brain are misconfigured.

After introspecting some more, And I may have self taught myself not to take things for granted here - but I sometimes have a tendency to feel an inner pride in whatever I own, or value in life- if its something that i really wanted. This is why I was opining Fi-dominance before, but I realized that really any type could do this - we are all snowflakes and we blow in different ways! Its just expressed differently, im just not sure how yet. Unless I'm mistaken....and if so, wow, you thinkers must be really numb inside huh? (Hehehe....kidding in a way, but go ahead, say I'm a feeler because I made that statement :P

i tend to strive for accuracy, usually when writing or even solving a problem or doing a task. For example, I edited several excerpts in paragraphs trying to find the right word to explain something numerous times writing this! Most will say this is pure Ti, but I think it's a Ji-Dom thing.

i have been getting the feeling that the way I think has gotten so advanced to the point where I cannot explain my thoughts as accurately as I should....possibly due to a lacking vocabulary? Or I am just philosophical, and I haven't fully embraced it yet. Or none of this is true, and I like to think this is an actual dilemma? BAH!

I've been really thinking lately my reasoning/logic is somewhat similar to Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm, who many people think is an INTP. If you haven't seen him, YouTube him. The whole premise of the show seems to depict an explosion of retarded Fe, it's fucking hilarious.

Jesus christ, its like I just wrote my fucking life story here. Eh, i was in a writing mood! well, if you read all of this, where do you think I fall in archetypical order, and why? and i hope your reasoning isnt because this was TLDR (though I bet at least one person will say that, heh) I just wanted to reach out to get some external output instead of doing more research, as I've been kind of itching to decode my Jungian type lately. Plus I am going back to school to study computer networking/IT and I dont want to distract myself (like I did last time...as a masterprocrastibator like myself would do....)

Ugh, I sound like an attention whore. Sorry if this scatterbrain spaghetti special was annoying to read...

 

[Jennywocky]

Wow. I'm sorry I can't respond to you at the length with which you posted. Somehow I did make it through all that.

It's a pretty Pe dump, though. I think more predominant Ji people are typically more focused in their structure -- they try to at least have a structure or a through-line in their written communication. Regardless of what type you are, it seems like you're living in more of a Pe mindset right now... flow of consciousness. I had a lot of trouble focusing on it, despite making it through. I actually had to read a paragraph, leave, come back and read another paragraph, read, and thus eat the elephant one bite at a time.

it also seems like you're pretty immersed in your feelings and personal perspective. Ti detaches by nature and tends to give a more clinical perspective; even when the writing is casual, there is still typically a coherent through-line, isn't there? What typically gets lost is the personal in-the-moment flavor, not the broad coherence.

How you responded to your parents growing up reminds me of e9, which typically corresonds more to IxFP (although some INTPs identify with it as well).

Is this the first time you have experienced a medium where you can dump all of these things? I find that people new to an online or print forum-type atmosphere sometimes just write in gluts, excited over the possibilities.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Wow. I'm sorry I can't respond to you at the length with which you posted. Somehow I did make it through all that.

It's a pretty Pe dump, though. I think more predominant Ji people are typically more focused in their structure -- they try to at least have a structure or a through-line in their written communication. Regardless of what type you are, it seems like you're living in more of a Pe mindset right now... flow of consciousness. I had a lot of trouble focusing on it, despite making it through. I actually had to read a paragraph, leave, come back and read another paragraph, read, and thus eat the elephant one bite at a time.

it also seems like you're pretty immersed in your feelings and personal perspective. Ti detaches by nature and tends to give a more clinical perspective; even when the writing is casual, there is still typically a coherent through-line, isn't there? What typically gets lost is the personal in-the-moment flavor, not the broad coherence.

How you responded to your parents growing up reminds me of e9, which typically corresonds more to IxFP (although some INTPs identify with it as well).

Is this the first time you have experienced a medium where you can dump all of these things? I find that people new to an online or print forum-type atmosphere sometimes just write in gluts, excited over the possibilities.

You...deserve an award for reading that "elephant".

But yeah, when I'm new to a forum, I did exactly what you said - even when I wasn't that great at writing (not that I was bad, but eh). Online forums helped me improve my writing skills drastically.

And you're not the only one who has thought my posts were scattered - some people on other forums have thought I was Ne-dominant because of it. It's funny, because I become scattered when I'm skeptical - when I'm sure of something, that's when the structure binds everything together. I'm studying IT and I'm finding myself write all of the information that I find in school curriculums, internet resources, and forums, and combining it all into one - a judgement that majesty sense to me - all into a gmail draft document, its like a freakin book, actually. I might even start a thread on it here, not just to get some feedback and bounce off ideas, but maybe even help some people out, if they want to learn about it. (It also looks like the work of Ti...quite a bit, actually)

Speaking of Ti - the more I read about it, the more it seems to resonate with my thought process. However, when I read up on functions, and things - I go into my head and discern, see if it is consistent with ny history, and after a while I start intuiting "it might be this, but maybe its that!) which leaves me to solve that, but then I find that I'm just intuiting that there's no hard data left for Ji to solve that problem....and I get thrown into a loop. Which leaves me here asking you guys. Heh, damn you Ne.
You did mention that I was "immersed" in my feelings. That is interesting, considering that I'm young. But I'm wondering if even Ne+Fe would influence Ti when describing something personal, creating a 'vividness' in their posts? I'm wondering because I've seen posts by some other INTPs and they can be emotionally expressive in their posts, either it seems there's too much emphasis being placed on them so it comes off as somewhat awkward, or it becomes just thoughts about feelings. However there is still a detached, analytical depth, trying to keep it in line. Eh, does that make sense? It was a thought that just popped out in the middle of writing this, I haven't mulled it over enough so I can explain it accurately.

The thing about my parents fighting when I was younger did actually seem consistent with inferior-Fe, considering the negative reaction - it might be e9, but I think a 9 core would have reacted differently. I think I might have 9 somewhere in ny trifix. However that speculation leads me to this question: when you were younger, how did you experience Fe?

 

[Jennywocky]

You did mention that I was "immersed" in my feelings. That is interesting, considering that I'm young. But I'm wondering if even Ne+Fe would influence Ti when describing something personal, creating a 'vividness' in their posts? I'm wondering because I've seen posts by some other INTPs and they can be emotionally expressive in their posts, either it seems there's too much emphasis being placed on them so it comes off as somewhat awkward, or it becomes just thoughts about feelings. However there is still a detached, analytical depth, trying to keep it in line. Eh, does that make sense? It was a thought that just popped out in the middle of writing this, I haven't mulled it over enough so I can explain it accurately.

It depends on the INTP. I actually do a lot of journalling and it can sound deep and broadly meaningful, but if you examine it, I'm basically analyzing and describing the experience. It's almost like a philosophical and experiential science lab of the thing I'm discussing, to convey what you might think and feel when you have the experience.

The thing about my parents fighting when I was younger did actually seem consistent with inferior-Fe, considering the negative reaction - it might be e9, but I think a 9 core would have reacted differently. I think I might have 9 somewhere in ny trifix. However that speculation leads me to this question: when you were younger, how did you experience Fe?

As a pain in my butt.

My mom is an ISFJ and had lots of Fe expectations and demands, although she hated to argue about them. I found them mostly tedious and rather arbitrary.

I did marry an Fe aux and had to deal with Fe in-laws, too, though, and through that experience I finally kind of grasped the relevance of an Fe perspetive -- what its actual benefits and uses could be, and how to respect it on that level.

So now it's just something I see as useful, in the right contexts.

But when I was younger, I mostly just thought it was all dumb.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

But when I was younger, I mostly just thought it was all dumb.

So could that mean you were uncomfortable expressing deep emotions, or even talking about personal things and issues of all sorts, whether it be directly or indirectly associated with you - even when even-tempered? Or in a casual setting?

 

[Jennywocky]

So could that mean you were uncomfortable expressing deep emotions, or even talking about personal things and issues of all sorts, whether it be directly or indirectly associated with you - even when even-tempered? Or in a casual setting?

Emotions are not Fx functions or social rules (like how I typically view Fe -- they're socializations).
Emotions are emotions.

It's just that emotions are personal
like values are personal.
So sometimes they correlate.

T often detaches
which also means detaching from feelings (more likely).
OR it means examining emotions as objects rather than as things you identify with.

I've always been okay talking about emotions and internal personal experiences as if they were philosophical objects, but very uncomfortable examining emotions as something that I identify with or that are "part of me" and also letting emotions contribute to my decision-making. Those latter things are things I never really even STARTED doing until about age 28-30, and it took me a number of years to integrate to the point where I am now.

Which basically is that I find myself responding emotionally to things, and I can actually label the emotions and have a decent sense of what has triggered them and why, but it makes everything a little "muddier" and I wonder if I should be screening them out more.

I think I've always had a fascination with emotions as "other" (just like I have fascination with spiritual experiences, and paranormal experiences, things I can't figure out the validity of). The mysterious things of life... and the dark stuff more than light stuff, typically. Chalk it up to 5w4.