working together with one ESFJ in an office

[Yet]

I am so confused and also quite hurt on several occasions by a colleague so I thought maybe you lot can advise me how to handle things.

The case is I work in one office space with a colleague who I have to have a lot of coöperating stuff with (excuse my English... I try to explain it as well as pos). But our interaction is so hard. She is very insecure, defensive whenever I have to have a meeting with her about a subject, an aspect of our work.

I am a quiet worker who likes to think about complicated problems we face and make project plans, work things out for the company & present it to the managers. She holds me back all the time and says I should not make so much work of things cause they might expect it from her as well. It feels as if I am trying to swim with concrete blocks to my legs.

When it considers her part of the organization too I am supposed to, I have to discuss it with her and ask her opinion and add her thoughts about matters to it and very often she is hostile, does not really grasp the big picture and my thoughts about improvement I try to talk about. She gets stuck in stupid little details that do not matter. She gets nervous about developping, improving, creative out of the box stuff. She sees problems that are not relevant. She says we shouldn't do this and that but I should leave it to the managers (but the managers are always happy with my input and I enjoy constructing and building so much...)

Another aspect is that she is so f*ing loud and moves about so nervously all the time. The whole office (the 2 of us work in it) seems moving and shaking ... she cannot stop talking (even to her self). When I am at work or am answering mails she blunlty throws questions at me. The only time she respects my peace is when she sees I am having a work conversation at my desk with someone else ... that is when she actually sees I am working and leaves me to it... but not when I am typing or sorting out stuff.
Whenever I come into our office space (after say a trip to the printer or copy-machine) she adresses me with a question.

It totally drives me nutters, but also hurts my feelings when she is hostile (and I am so not good at having my say at them moments) ... I do not really know how to handle this together-working-ness better.
Maybe you have ideas for me...

By the way ... I looked it up & she seems very much an ESFJ

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Psychological + Physical distance.

 

[Bird]

I am so confused and also quite hurt on several occasions by a colleague so I thought maybe you lot can advise me how to handle things.

The case is I work in one office space with a colleague who I have to have a lot of coöperating stuff with (excuse my English... I try to explain it as well as pos). But our interaction is so hard. She is very insecure, defensive whenever I have to have a meeting with her about a subject, an aspect of our work.

I am a quiet worker who likes to think about complicated problems we face and make project plans, work things out for the company & present it to the managers. She holds me back all the time and says I should not make so much work of things cause they might expect it from her as well. It feels as if I am trying to swim with concrete blocks to my legs.

When it considers her part of the organization too I am supposed to, I have to discuss it with her and ask her opinion and add her thoughts about matters to it and very often she is hostile, does not really grasp the big picture and my thoughts about improvement I try to talk about. She gets stuck in stupid little details that do not matter. She gets nervous about developping, improving, creative out of the box stuff. She sees problems that are not relevant. She says we shouldn't do this and that but I should leave it to the managers (but the managers are always happy with my input and I enjoy constructing and building so much...)

Another aspect is that she is so f*ing loud and moves about so nervously all the time. The whole office (the 2 of us work in it) seems moving and shaking ... she cannot stop talking (even to her self). When I am at work or am answering mails she blunlty throws questions at me. The only time she respects my peace is when she sees I am having a work conversation at my desk with someone else ... that is when she actually sees I am working and leaves me to it... but not when I am typing or sorting out stuff.
Whenever I come into our office space (after say a trip to the printer or copy-machine) she adresses me with a question.

It totally drives me nutters, but also hurts my feelings when she is hostile (and I am so not good at having my say at them moments) ... I do not really know how to handle this together-working-ness better.
Maybe you have ideas for me...

By the way ... I looked it up & she seems very much an ESFJ

Have you considered talking to your manager about her?
Or perhaps telling her how you feel?



Really what this sounds like to me is that you do your job
better than she does and she's nervous that you set the
standard too high. She doesn't want to have to work hard
so she wants you to slack off, for your work to not be as
good that way she doesn't really have to try. Because you
are not willing to perform worse on your own she is hoping
to passive-aggressively lower your job performance by her
own devices; ie manipulating the communication that you
must do with her in order to cause you to second-guess or
to become distracted by her obvious hostilities that you
mess up something on accident since she thinks you're
being selfish by working hard. You're better than her and
she doesn't like it. There is really no way to solve this. The
problem is with her, not with you.

This is super verbose, sorry.

 

[Fallenman]

Lol. Agreed with Bird. The problem is her.

I just don't know if there's any solution, aside from perhaps getting her to get out of your way or quitting >_>. But I don't see it at all as necessary that you should sacrifice the good job you're doing for her. It's not practical.

 

[Yet]

thanks ... reading your reactions helps me work out all sorts of points of view on this.

@ Eyes
When I really have to do some work or 'had' it I seek physical distance (I disappear and find myself another computer to work at ... as far as pos). Maybe I should do that more often, but the 'workers' need to be able to find me when they have a problem... I'll find a solution for that
The psychological distance I find hard at times that I need to speak with her about something. After a while I just get emotions, irritations because I need to discuss something that does not 'land', no click.
But it is a good tip, inner distance.

@Bird
Yep I am planning to ask a manager to speak about how I should try to make interaction more fruitfull and about what bothers me. ... I dread that I have to speak with her about it first... not looking forward to that. Logically you only speak a manager when you tried yourself first (cos we're adults and that sort of social skills are expected ... yuk).
I think she is very insecure about what I do... she tries her very best as well but she has a total different attitude: rules, regulations, predictability. And she is a bit slow and not creative thinker. And her attitude is the way she copes ... it makes me feel guilty, but on the other hand: hell yeah she should work on her part of the problem. Whenever something bothers her it is someone elses fault (she talks a lot down about a lot of the workers who she thinks do not perform). Her strong side is that she is great with routine things... when it is crystal clear she enjoys labouring. And she is a chatter chatter chatter with everybody all the time.

@ Fallenman
I thought about moving on ... and hoped she would sometimes... thus avoiding. But just like you say: I am not planning on sacrificing what I enjoy thouroughly.

What I thought of as possible solution is that whenever I have to discuss something I just ask to do that in a manager-us meeting. Thus making group bigger and forcing to leave behavioural problems 'at home' ... I'll find a solution

 

[cheese]

Creating inner distance:
Try counting backwards, or any other totally banal and easily carried-out mental activity. It may not work for you, but I find it can zen me out even when talking to people in frustrating situations and create detachment within, sort of like being in your own bubble that no one can touch. You could also try doing something mechanical and repetitive with your fingers, at the risk of developing a tic. Anything that might slightly distract you from her, even while she's talking to you, could make her emotional impact on you less. (Considering she doesn't seem to add much, being distracted while she talks probably won't cause problems.)

 

[Trebuchet]

Of course you should try to distance yourself from her, but if you can't actually get away from her, she will pursue as you back off. So this answer is only for those times when you are stuck.

If you can stand to do it, saying "Thank you" to her a lot will almost certainly help. ESFJs work very hard for other people's "benefit" even if the rest of us would prefer they did not. And they need acknowledgement for it, too. They need this like we need time alone.

I realize thanking her is the last thing you want to do, since her behavior is irritating and upsetting, but it is a very effective way to defuse their nervous energy.

If she wants to change something you did or gets all upset about some detail, thank her for pointing it out. Then she knows you heard her.

If she worries about you showing her up by doing better work, tell them that of course no one would think that because of all the other things she contributes.

This is manipulative and insincere, I realize, but I don't know of any other way for an INTP to get along with an uptight ESFJ. I ended up getting along very well with one at work by doing this, and I started to have some genuine appreciation for her caring. In turn, she appreciated my expertise, as long as I didn't show off.

 

[Yet]

@Trebuchet
That's very valuable advise thanks! You're saying the best way to get the situation a bit more 'livable' is to take care of her needs.
I realise that that is going to cost me a lot of energy... but it might pay of as well.

@ Cheese
When in a meeting discussing something we could not find the common ground, her voice goes shouty I used to try to create inner distance by 'closing up' in focussing on a visual point and retreating in my own thoughts pretending to be listening & all of a sudden agreeing with anything she'dd say (basically just waiting until the conversation was over) she'd retreat after a while in a bit of confusion and slightly pissed of.

Maybe trying to keep eyecontact while creating inner distance is better idea indeed.

 

[soraya]

I'm having a kinda similar situation with an ENFP coworker. Basically, she takes everything I say as a personal insult or an affront to some kind of ethical values system, even the most benign statements. One time I commented to another coworker, who was talking about business wear, that blouses felt too tight to me across the shoulders.
Oh. my. god. She started screaming about being insensitive and that I never consider other people's emotions, and that my standards are harsh and fucked up. Basically she reads way too much into anything I say. She's had a lot more intense meltdowns related to me in the office to the point that other employees are freaked out by what they see as her "always attacking me" and they feel uncomfortable around her.

So, this is how i dealt/am dealing with it.
You work there. You were hired because your employer thought you could do your job well. Apparently, they are satisfied with your work. She also works there so we can assume that they hired her based on the same standard as yourself. However, employers generally hire people under the assumption that they can maintain a professional environment that is conducive to producing the best work possible. Whatever beef she has with you is infringing upon that. She's hindering your productivity so I wouldn't ignore that, I would address it or it's just going to get worse.

I took my coworker aside in private and, trying to be very aware of her feelings but also not yielding my ground, explained that when she said the things she did or had very emotive reactions it hindered my ability to do my job well because it created a hostile work environment. I asked that, if she has problems with me in the future, she talk to me in private and not bring it into the office. I figured she would react in one of two ways. Either, she would understand what I had said, we discuss it, we compromise, and the behavior would improve. Or, she would deny that she had done anything unreasonable and the behavior would escalate as a result of her feeling threatened.

...Unfortunately, she reacted in the second way. Her behavior has escalated severely over the past month to the point where I feel uncomfortable saying anything in the office. This week I'm going to talk to her again but I think I've got to add a sort of consequence. I'm going to tell her that the behavior she is exhibiting is unacceptable because it is making the workplace hostile not just for me but for other employees and preventing everyone from doing their work as well as they can. (aka just because you're insecure doesn't mean you're special and get to override the workplace protocol) I have offered her the chance to deal with it privately but, if she is unable to do that, I will seek a meeting for the both of us with our supervisor to see what can be done.

Basically, I don't think you should ignore the situation. To a reasonable extent, some things will just go away on their own and it's nice when that happens, but this doesn't seem like one of those situations. Furthermore, this situation isn't just about you or her. Her behavior is affecting the work that you were hired to do and its probably affecting your coworkers as well. You're there to fulfill the duties of your contract. In order to do that you need to address the situation.

 

[Yet]

Hi Soraya,
I had a some sort of short chat with her about how we could interact better. She was a bit more quiet today and a touch more positive in intentions. We'll see how it develops. I have thought about getting a manager in to help sort interaction problems but I know for a fact that the first thing they would react is 'how did you try to solve your own problem' so step one is taken.
We'll see. It won't be perfect but I'll settle for step for step improvement at the moment.

take care and good luck with your similar issue!

 

[Trebuchet]

Soraya, I hope you company appreciates you, rather than blaming you for the ruckus. You have behaved in a completely professional and adult way, in the face of unprofessional and childish behavior. And then you didn't take it personally when your reasonable offer of a peaceful resolution didn't work.