Why do YOU avoid social events

[QSR]

I've just been thinking about this right before I'm heading over to a networking/learning group. I'm interested in the Seminar, but the networking portion of the event is absolutely teeth-grating to me. I typically will just show up late so I can avoid talking to people as much as possible.

I think the biggest problem I have is that I don't feel like I have any compelling stories for these people. I'm pretty good at engaging people in conversation and asking questions, but unless they happen to be the kind of people who really like to talk, the conversation peters out pretty quickly.

It's really annoying because I actually am pretty sociable and outgoing, but I guess I have a bit of a self-esteem problem. There I said it and I admit it. I don't feel like I have "enough" to contribute, and it makes me anxious.

So if you have any insights on this subject, please share.

 

[echoplex]

I think I feel about the same. It's not so much that I don't have alot to contribute, it's just that I don't have alot of what others expect me to contribute. Socializing requires alot of energy on my part. Energy I have, but that I value as precious since it takes alot of it. The last thing I want is to feel that I've wasted that precious energy by boring the hell out of others. If I'm going to socialize, I want to make a good impression and I want others to value my contribution. Otherwise, it feels like a waste of time for me.

 

[Red Mage]

I've just been thinking about this right before I'm heading over to a networking/learning group. I'm interested in the Seminar, but the networking portion of the event is absolutely teeth-grating to me. I typically will just show up late so I can avoid talking to people as much as possible.

I think the biggest problem I have is that I don't feel like I have any compelling stories for these people. I'm pretty good at engaging people in conversation and asking questions, but unless they happen to be the kind of people who really like to talk, the conversation peters out pretty quickly.

It's really annoying because I actually am pretty sociable and outgoing, but I guess I have a bit of a self-esteem problem. There I said it and I admit it. I don't feel like I have "enough" to contribute, and it makes me anxious.

So if you have any insights on this subject, please share.

I sort of relate to much of that post. I avoid people so they can't form a negative opinion of me. I don't feel I have anything worthwhile to tell anyone -- and in my experience, others feel this about me as well. I often want to be the center of attention, but when I do get it I don't know what to do with it.

 

[Ermine]

I just don't care for the usual conversational fare known as small talk. I don't care about keeping up with the Joneses, or what so and so did last night or how their cousin is doing. I have a hard time asking such questions about people's well being because I don't know if I even care, unless I already know of a pressing personal issue that I care about. I don't mean to sound mean, but it doesn't come naturally for me to ask those questions first. I have interesting things to say, and I enjoy talking about them, but I almost never have the opportunity to talk about what I want to talk about without weird looks and awkward silence. I also tend to use nothing but Ne in my socializing mode, so I often come off as very spaced out, and random, and it's hard to articulate where I'm coming from because it's so obvious for me.

I also have a lot of pre-social event anxiety. I end up freaking about something for a long time, only to find out that it's not so scary after all. That keeps me away from a lot of optional social events.

 

[Tyria]

I mingle, but I usually just engage people with what they seem to be interested in. I am usually ready to leave after two hours, but it lets people know that they matter when you are interested in what is going on with them and what they have to say.

If you can't think of anything, try to get the other party to talk about themself or what they like to do. Information like that is easy to access, and can be very low stress in those social situations.

 

[Latro]

Social anxiety from a long time ago -> lack of social experience
Residual social anxiety even now
Lack of things to say, largely due to that very lack of social experience; I have plenty of things to say on certain topics, but those topics are like...why FFX pisses me off in retrospect, and those don't tend to work very well for the early parts of relationships (which is involved in such networking types of things). I also don't know when to start transitioning into such things. I also have no idea how to ask people about themselves or really even to talk about myself.
Self esteem trouble (not so much that I don't hold myself in high esteem as that I think others will, which is irrational but I do it anyway).

I'm hoping I can meet a few fellow nerds if I start doing some undergrad research, but first I need a few more classes under my belt.

 

[bdubs]

I have a problem with finding the right moment to talk. I will overanalyze what I am going to say only to watch the conversation change topics by the time I am ready to contribute. Even if I do have something to say I often can not get a word in if the conversation contains more than 2 people. It is infuriating to begin speaking only to be inturrupted by someone else after you have started talking for several seconds. I can not seem to find a remedy for this. After being steamrolled a few times I just figure that my opinion is not wanted. People tend to think I am strange. When I do not overanalyze my thoughts my ideas tend to frustrate others. If I stop overanalyzing for a second in a conversation I will spend several minutes contemplating what I just said later on my own.

 

[Ulysses]

I sometimes avoid social events because I find that meeting new people can get tiring. Usually I just want them to tell me who they are and what they do, and then leave me alone. I'm really not into small talk unless I'm conversing with a close friend.

 

[QSR]

Hmmm after the event tonight, I'm thinking my issues are a little more complicated. It may actually just be a matter of an attitude adjustment. We ended up doing a group exercise, where I had a lot of input and was quite comfortable with everyone. I even got up in front of 30 people and presented something. I just don't seem to mind structured interactions very much...

I just don't like the random fleeting conversations where you have to take initiative and go up to someone. I go to these things and constantly get the feeling that everyone else already knows each other and I don't really fit in anywhere.

Anyway I have a similar event tomorrow so I'll have to see if I can use a new strategy. I really do want to talk to people, but it is a lot of effort.

 

[Toad]

Either I'm too tired, too broke, too lazy, or I didn't cut my hair and feel self conscience.

 

[snowqueen]

Hmmm after the event tonight, I'm thinking my issues are a little more complicated. It may actually just be a matter of an attitude adjustment. We ended up doing a group exercise, where I had a lot of input and was quite comfortable with everyone. I even got up in front of 30 people and presented something. I just don't seem to mind structured interactions very much...

Obviously as a lecturer I am involved in a lot of 'structured interactions' which, like you, I have no trouble with. Even when I run seminars and workshops which are more flexible. I am a popular teacher so often students come up to me afterwards and that is when it feels terribly scary because although they apparently have questions etc what they are really wanting to do is 'connect' with me. I understand that but it freaks me out so I know I sometimes come across as a bit weird (like Ermine, I revert to Ne). I just want to get back to my office asap.

With regard to not feeling 'worthy' - there was a question on one of the tests I did recently which was 'do you prefer to receive praise or a prize for your work'. I would always have said praise in the past but in the last few years I have won two awards (one major) for my teaching and that made a huge impact on me - much more than all the praise I'd received over the years. I think it was tangible evidence rather than just someone's opinion. It's completely changed my sense of my capability but in reality I don't do anything differently. So while an INTP is least likely to enter competitions, it may be worth thinking about if something arises in a work context - dunno?

 

[Beat Mango]

Hmmm after the event tonight, I'm thinking my issues are a little more complicated. It may actually just be a matter of an attitude adjustment. We ended up doing a group exercise, where I had a lot of input and was quite comfortable with everyone. I even got up in front of 30 people and presented something. I just don't seem to mind structured interactions very much...

I just don't like the random fleeting conversations where you have to take initiative and go up to someone. I go to these things and constantly get the feeling that everyone else already knows each other and I don't really fit in anywhere.

I am like that too, I've noticed - if there is a structure to work with (ie, group exercises: perfect), I come alive. I have something to work with and bounce off and I'm actually pretty playful and funny. I got most of my friends in school because I was funny in class and a smart ass. But if you just put me alone with someone, I'm pretty boring unless, echoing previous comments, they are a certain person with certain interests (Ne sort of stuff). I like hanging with groups as long as there's an extravert who can kind of carry me, provide the juice of the convo because I'm not good at doing that myself.

What I hate most are situations like being on a bus with someone or being at a dinner party - both you have to stay for a set amount of time (I like to be able to leave at any moment), there is no structure to work with and you are not expected to be silent. It's conversational free-for-all which usually ends up in a nothing-for-anyone.

 

[brain enclosed in flesh]

The planning, the effort, trying to think of things to say, to ask. My Fe sucks. Some people I hit it off with, so talking is fun, but it's pretty rare that I want it to continue for more than ten minutes. I get bored and want to engage my mind in something of my own choosing, not something that others want. Or I babble and I'm pretty certain that others aren't interested and then I'm embarrassed. I hate networking. I hate having people tell me that I am supposed to talk now about something of their choosing. Across the board I hate being told what to do, but being told to socialize (and how to socialize) is the ultimate worst.

 

[EditorOne]

Structured works for me, too, I teach seminars in the effort to resuscitate journalism. Never a problem, but I'm comfortable with the material and that's why everyone is there, the topic, so it's not about me.

Socializing: Maybe the trick will be to simply supply our own structure, like our own plan, go in with an agenda of things you find interesting and keep trying them out on people until it clicks.

I have been fairly successful at purely social events by looking for someone who looks even less comfortable than I am, and going over there. I've even gone so far as to suggest that "if we talk to each other we probably don't have to talk to anyone else". It invariably works. There are other people in our boat at most events, just have to go detailed for a bit and figure out who they are. In a corner, two hands on a drink, eyes down avoiding eye contact, and our famous little ambivalent smile: An ally. :-)

 

[Concojones]

Here's my take (lots of common ground with other comments):

I do well (as opposed to poorly) in a group if:
- the setting is task-oriented (as opposed to random small talk)
- I don't have to 'fight' to speak, i.e. either not too many participants, or when as the speaker to an audience (as opposed to: trying to say something in a large chattering group)

Other peculiarities:
- Even though I'm talkative on the task, I don't always know what to say during an informal break (small talk). This is bad because, for longer term projects, to play a major role in the task group you need to nurture relationships off the task (small talk and such).
- I'm very social and confident in a group where few people know each other . To understand why, look at EditorOne's few last lines about speaking to the insecure person in the corner. Well, in this case the entire group feels insecure and just stands there.
- Same group, some time later: people begin to know each other form groups. Either I feel good within one or more groups and do well, or I avoid the group and keep talking to individual 'people in the corner'. In that last case, I get isolated while everyone gradually joins a group and I don't.

 

[brain enclosed in flesh]

QSR, I think in the OP when you wrote 'networking' I was thinking something different than what you were saying. I was thinking when they have you in a group and you're supposed to do little exercises together- team building is what I was thinking, I think.

Because yeah, like everyone else here, I am more comfortable speaking if there is something specific to speak about. I know I mentioned this before somewhere else, but a perfect example is this book club I joined- I was fine, great, comfortable when we were actually talking about the book, but then people would start getting into small talk conversations and I'd panic and do my best to redirect the conversation back to the book- what I viewed as off topic I imagine most people considered socializing.

But I can be social, pleasantly so. Typically with the people Editor One describes. Especially if I have a drink in my hand.

But I avoid social events because they make me nervous and most of them I consider to be a waste of my time.

 

[EditorOne]

"But I avoid social events because they make me nervous and most of them I consider to be a waste of my time."

OK, so indulge your curiosity. Assume most people are wearing a mask for purposes of their public persona. What's behind it? You can ask questions designed to evoke the hidden personality, you can make absurd statements, you can enjoy reactions.

Just keep smiling the enigmatic INTP smile. That's YOUR mask. :-)

 

[Enne]

*Shrug...Usually I'm not looking forward to the whole social nicities game w/ nincompoops. Otherwise though, depending on the crowd, I can be excited/ looking forward to the challenge or hearing what they have to say. It depends. Like at a group interview I had recently, it was mostly about finding out their motivations for wanting the job, and figuring out how I could maximize my role in the group dynamic, like how I could bounce my reactions off of them to prove I was highly (read: more) suitable for the position. But at my school's entrepreneurship initiative, it becomes more of learning how other people get things done, and using that to expand on my own ideas.

Basically I divide my interactions into three groups: 1. the this is gonna be a lame bunch of crap...I'm gonna be partially interested in people's motivations etc. and how they relate to me, but I'm either gonna blow them off completely or coast in the background. 2. this is gonna be a lame bunch of crap, but I have to participate...I'm going to assert myself somewhat, but not take a particularly interested/central role, and instead amuse myself by trying to excite responses or work the tide of the conversation (I might spit out something for shock value or be funny). 3. this is gonna be good, in which case I will participate, fully engaged, without any other agendas.

 

[didyouknow]

I have been fairly successful at purely social events by looking for someone who looks even less comfortable than I am, and going over there. I've even gone so far as to suggest that "if we talk to each other we probably don't have to talk to anyone else". It invariably works. There are other people in our boat at most events, just have to go detailed for a bit and figure out who they are. In a corner, two hands on a drink, eyes down avoiding eye contact, and our famous little ambivalent smile: An ally. :-)

That's what I do (or more often have done to me).

To the OP: I avoid social events because they make me anxious. I scarcely have something to say; I just don't know how to respond to small talk. When I do have something to say, I'm often too worried about their reaction to say anything.

I only have meaningful conversations with people I've known for a while who are similar to me. I just forgo the usual formalities and begin the conversation with a theoretical question and let it go from there.

 

[Malkavian]

I don't socialize much because most social events seem shallow and theres nothing and nobody I can relate to.

 

[QSR]

I can respond to smalltalk just fine, I just happen to find it tiring. Maybe we just need to get over ourselves and put up with it. I suppose there are a lot of people who enjoy smalltalk, but they become barbers.

 

[RubberDucky451]

I'm not afraid to play in front of a 100 people but I'm terrified if I'm at a table and I don't know any of them. I can socialize 1 on 1 quite easily.

 

[RubberDucky451]

I can respond to smalltalk just fine, I just happen to find it tiring. Maybe we just need to get over ourselves and put up with it. I suppose there are a lot of people who enjoy smalltalk, but they become barbers.

It seems unsolvable. The small talkers stick to a shallow relationship and if you pose a deep question you're labeled odd.

 

[Android]

I think you guys are approaching the idea of small talk all wrong. The point of it for me is to find some kind of common ground, at which point you can talk freely about whatever subject it is that you get started on and go as deep as you want without worry. If that can't be done in a reasonable amount of time then extract yourself from the conversation. You're not the only one that's uncomfortable.. most people aren't with new people until common ground develops. Why do you think social events and alcohol are so closely linked for so many people?

In a group of people you don't know you don't even have to say anything. Let them do the work, and if something is of interest to you, chime in. Not knowing any of them you also shouldn't be worried about leaving the group if nothing develops.

Besides all that, what kind of social events do you go to that you don't anybody? From the very beginning you should have at least one person you already have common ground with. Your conversations with them, at least in my experience, should lead to conversations with other people.

 

[RubberDucky451]

I'm scared initially but 90% of the time i have a great time. I'm able to socialize quite well, but never to reveal my true self.

 

[LucielaMinerva]

My reason for anti-socialness is cause I'm too lazy to entertain people. I can't be bothered with people who do not interest me.

When they interest me, though... that's a different matter altogether : D