Why do I put literally put all of my emotional energy into one person only to be let down and consta

[1q2w3e4r5t6y7u8i]

Every time I meet a girl that I find somewhat attractive and I think also finds me attractive I seem to always put all of my emotional energy into them. This has always lasted for at least 2-3 years and sometimes I can't even have another girl flirt with me besides them without getting depressed because I can't even bring myself to get the girl I like/love to be with me. This always results in me feeling inadequate and severely depressed. As I am an Enneagram 5w4 I try to avoid this feeling of inadequacy through art, my medium being music. Most people that meet me throw around the terms prodigy or virtuoso once they hear my stuff, but as of late every time someone compliments me, my brain makes into sarcasm and I get really depressed to the point where I don't even want to make music. So I turn to my current emotional magnet only to go trough this cycle again. This has happened almost everyday for the past two years, and the only way I can describe it is imagine doing heroin and meth at the same time and when you're coming down you find out your whole family is dead. You would be depressed already because of the lack of neurotransmitters and you would be stricken with heavy emotional grief all at the same time.
Once in while, very rarely, she makes me actually happy, but most of the time it's just horrible depression. She's the only person I actually care about too, which makes me feel like an asshole since my friends don't really mean anything to me and they just waste my energy. She does too, but Idk, I feel like maybe one day we could get together and my depression/fear of inadequacy would end. Is this common for most INTP's?

 

[StevenM]

What is she doing that's making you depressed?

 

[1q2w3e4r5t6y7u8i]

We talked on and off for a year or so, then I used to skip physics to go to her class, only to see her with some other guy that she never talked about. She came to a party I was at one tie and her friend said that she's had a boyfriend for at least a year. I never heard of him, and by then, it was too late for me to just stop feeling how did about her

 

[SpaceYeti]

Confront her, tell her it's you or him, and when she chooses him, leave her alone.

 

[Tannhauser]

The solution is simple: forget the chick before getting exploited and deceived further.

As an aside:
This far I have never met a chick who cannot resist the temptation to exploit dudes who are attracted to her but not vice versa.

 

[tommarkc]

I'm not a pro about this, but as long it's in INTP section I believe you're asking for logical expanation.

First of all, stop taking things too seriously, because seriousness is overrated. People who moved the World were often smart, indeed, but all of them were mad. Otherwise they'll be happy with the existing World. And we'll still be in the stone age, which might even be good, with no pollution and that.

About compliments, I was the same. I just stopped taking them seriously, and then suprisingly found out I actually like them and that they mean something. And one more advice: don't accept them say you're virtuoso. Say something like "I'm virtuoso AND <insert your name>" or "yes, I think I am" At first, they might laugh, not take you seriously etc. But they'll remember you, just say it with a bit of humor. It's not important what people say about you; it's important what you say about youself.

To get over depression, talking to people helps. Normally if you have good, relaxed, off tension, non-judgical and friendly attitude against them, they'll probably be nice to you. If you're gifted with making yourself fool like me, apologize, turn it into humor or just say that you just said something very stupid.
It's big possibility that if you don't enjoy talking, people won't enjoy talking to you too. You don't need a group of friends to talk too, find 1 or 2 with common interests and talk to them time to time. As being INTP I advise you to think about what you're going to talk about first; pick a topic that you prefer. I often come to people with an idea or assumption to hear their opinions.

About the girl: Maybe you like her, maybe she likes you. But it's over. Love should be from both sides. So if she will want you, let her make the move.


Giving all that advices last few days makes me feel like ENFP Welcome to the sinking world of INTPs!

 

[Sinny91]

'Never put your happiness in the hands of someone else'
'Most heartbreak is caused by false expectation'
'The nicer you are the easier you are to hurt, so just be a cunt'
'Everybody's going to hurt you, you just need to find the one's worth hurting for'.

I don't think it's common for INTP's, your 'supposed to be' emotionally guarded.
Guard yourself more.

The persuit of love aint all it's cracked up to be.
Forget the chick, and move on to better horizons.
Seek serious help from serious people if your depression is so bad, (I'm being serious).

Personally, rock bottom became the foundations upon which I've built my life.

All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Tryin to put my trust in you
Just takes so much outta me - Linkin Park, From the Inside.

 

[Grayman]

I hope I am not misreading this but....

It sounds like this is an obsession from afar and you are desperate to get her attentions but then found that she has a boyfriend. Although you did communicate and interact with her, I take it you were not dating her and she did not cheat on you. You are upset because you could not get her to notice you in 'that' way.

Is this correct?

 

[sushi]

utter fail. putting your faith in humans other than things.

 

[Stagename]

Date more than one girl at a time. That mitigate emotional attachment and expectation. If you have more than one girl, then you will, per definition, not invest all your emotions in just one girl.

Try it out. It does work. Eventually you might find that one girl is worth investing more in. If so, then ditch the other girls. But don't invest everything in one girl before you KNOW that she's worth it.

 

[StevenM]

As the replies touch on, perhaps the answer is in the title of the thread. Don't put all emotional energy on one person. Instead of going for a single ring-nosed sword fish, cast a wider net and expand your catches.

 

[The Introvert]

I actually logged in just to post this, so I hope that you read it.

I've been in similar circumstances, both myself and others, seen it many times, etc. etc. I have experience with this, and I know that what you're feeling is real and it hurts, even though you tell yourself it's stupid and nobody actually cares.

I HIGHLY recommend what the above two users have posted, as far as NOT putting all of your energy into one person. It's that simple. Yet so complicated. It's all a matter of confidence (and possibly some other stuff - I don't know your life nor do I want to, but this really will help).

Have you ever read Moby Dick? That story perfectly epitomizes your situation, I think. Ahab was so set on his one goal (much like you're so concentrated on one girl) that he passed up other great opportunities to be a good person, have fun, be a successful whaler in terms of legacy, monetary gain, etc. to complete his one goal. And it ultimately destroyed him, turned him mad, and he didn't even accomplish what he wanted (probably). Long story short, you're blinding yourself to other, better things, and you don't realize it because you can't see them - you're so focused on this one girl because you think she's perfect, or whatever reason it is.

Just like Ahab should have realized, there ARE other fish in the sea (both figuratively and literally; Melville often referred to the whale as a fish, there's actually an entire chapter devoted to the argument that whales are indeed fish).

PM me if you want, respond here, VM, whatever. You don't have to feel like this, nor should you. It isn't worth it. You can be happy, and you deserve to be happy.

Best,

-TI