What does it all mean, INTPs?

[eebb]

Hi. This is my first post. I was recently in a romantic situation with an INTP. He liked me for a couple months and one night we both got drunk and I ended up going home with him. He would invite me over to spend time with me and we'd also get intimate.

He didn't want a relationship but wanted to be around me and said he enjoyed my company. He and I talked about marriage, kids, what we wanted for our futures.

I didn't know what that meant by wanting me around but no relationship but I thought it was best if we took it slow. Shortly thereafter, he left on a 5 week vacation. I talked to him for the first week, every day. Then I heard from a friend that he was flirting with someone else and it hurt me. I had been in a situation before where an ex did not treat me with respect. I told him that I was done. He didn't respond.

I spoke with him a couple weeks later while he was still on vacation because I had heard he was sick and in the hospital. After that, I didn't hear much from him. When he returned, he didn't talk to me for three weeks.

I finally contacted him, and he asked me to come over. He said he wanted to sleep with me and at the time I thought okay. I realized it wasn't what I wanted and left before the end of the night. The thing is, he basically told me he wanted friends with benefits. He also told me he couldn't see how he could respect me because I had gone home with a stranger a couple months before we got together and then went home with him. He even said he thought about it and did research on the statistics of our age difference (he's 30, I'm 23) and marriages and it didn't look too promising.

My question is, what could've happened, as an INTP during that time he was away? How do I fix things with him? And from your perspective as an INTP, what do you think?

 

[Turniphead]

Hmm, random thoughts:

What type are you?

Did he self identify as an INTP, or are you guessing?

INTPs communication habits are not always consistent. I don't think anything "happened", it seems pretty clear that you are more into him than he is to you.

You could continue seeing him, and his perspective might change, but it more likely won't.

I don't know if it's an INTP thing, but I'm not likely to want casual sexual relationships, so it seems odd to me. I suppose if I was interested, I would have to devalue the other person in my mind, in order to make that work. Or if I never valued them in the first place. Possibly.

The thing about not respecting you because you "went home with a stranger",(these vague terms are annoying/mildly confusing, it's ok to say "sex") seems like a stupid/hypocritical judgement on his part.

 

[BigApplePi]

Hi. This is my first post. I was recently in a romantic situation with an INTP. He liked me for a couple months and one night we both got drunk and I ended up going home with him. He would invite me over to spend time with me and we'd also get intimate.

He didn't want a relationship but wanted to be around me and said he enjoyed my company. He and I talked about marriage, kids, what we wanted for our futures.

Nothing wrong with any of this until I read he didn't want a relationship but you guys talked marriage, etc. What do YOU want?

I didn't know what that meant by wanting me around but no relationship but I thought it was best if we took it slow. Shortly thereafter, he left on a 5 week vacation. I talked to him for the first week, every day. Then I heard from a friend that he was flirting with someone else and it hurt me. I had been in a situation before where an ex did not treat me with respect. I told him that I was done. He didn't respond.

I suppose he has the right to flirt, but he's not committed to you.

I spoke with him a couple weeks later while he was still on vacation because I had heard he was sick and in the hospital. After that, I didn't hear much from him. When he returned, he didn't talk to me for three weeks.

I finally contacted him, and he asked me to come over. He said he wanted to sleep with me and at the time I thought okay. I realized it wasn't what I wanted and left before the end of the night. The thing is, he basically told me he wanted friends with benefits.

Certainly sounds like that.

He also told me he couldn't see how he could respect me because I had gone home with a stranger a couple months before we got together and then went home with him. He even said he thought about it and did research on the statistics of our age difference (he's 30, I'm 23) and marriages and it didn't look too promising.

Total B.S. and irrelevant.

My question is, what could've happened, as an INTP during that time he was away? How do I fix things with him? And from your perspective as an INTP, what do you think?

I can't see INTP has anything to do with it. If he wants friends with benefits and you don't then you are better than that.

P.S. I'm male and married for 30 years.

 

[eebb]

I'm an ENTJ. He's taken the test. INTP. Thing is, in the beginning he was way more interested in me than I was in him. So I'm a little confused.

At the same time, I figure if he wants to see me he knows how to contact me. So I'll step back. I'm just curious as to what other INTPs may think.

 

[BigApplePi]

ENTJ, eh? Do you like to be dominant? You may intrigue him for your mind as well as other. But that's speculation.

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

Hi.

Hello.

This is my first post. I was recently in a romantic situation with an INTP. He liked me for a couple months and one night we both got drunk and I ended up going home with him. He would invite me over to spend time with me and we'd also get intimate.

He didn't want a relationship but wanted to be around me and said he enjoyed my company. He and I talked about marriage, kids, what we wanted for our futures.

I didn't know what that meant by wanting me around but no relationship but I thought it was best if we took it slow. Shortly thereafter, he left on a 5 week vacation. I talked to him for the first week, every day. Then I heard from a friend that he was flirting with someone else and it hurt me. I had been in a situation before where an ex did not treat me with respect. I told him that I was done. He didn't respond.

Sounds like he doesn't want to commit himself to anything serious.
If that is okay with you, then that is okay.
If it's not, then forget him.

I spoke with him a couple weeks later while he was still on vacation because I had heard he was sick and in the hospital. After that, I didn't hear much from him. When he returned, he didn't talk to me for three weeks.

I finally contacted him, and he asked me to come over. He said he wanted to sleep with me and at the time I thought okay. I realized it wasn't what I wanted and left before the end of the night.

Trust your gut instinct.
He probably isn't what you are looking for.

The thing is, he basically told me he wanted friends with benefits. He also told me he couldn't see how he could respect me because I had gone home with a stranger a couple months before we got together and then went home with him. He even said he thought about it and did research on the statistics of our age difference (he's 30, I'm 23) and marriages and it didn't look too promising.

He is rationalizing/excusing his behaviour.
Again, if you are okay with an "open relationship", then good.
But if not, you are being taken advantage of,
and you will lose a lot of things in such an exploitative environment.

My question is, what could've happened, as an INTP during that time he was away? How do I fix things with him? And from your perspective as an INTP, what do you think?

Don't ask these questions.
You will most likely never come to a safe answer,
because of the speculative nature of the question.

You don't owe him to fix things.
If he wants to fix things with you, he will.
If not, he wont.

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

I'm an ENTJ. He's taken the test. INTP. Thing is, in the beginning he was way more interested in me than I was in him. So I'm a little confused.

At the same time, I figure if he wants to see me he knows how to contact me. So I'll step back. I'm just curious as to what other INTPs may think.

Sounds like he has had his "conquest" and lost interest.

 

[eebb]

I do. But in this case, I have noticed he'd rather be dominant and enjoys it. So I let him. I mean at some point I did ask him why he liked me so much because honestly I didn't know how I felt about him. He responded with I'm quick, smart, and sexy. By quick he said I know exactly what I need to respond with to win an argument and it makes it fun for him. And he got a little personal with me when he told me some personal things about his childhood and asked about my life.

Weird thing is, in a FWB deal, it's always been come by, screw, leave. With him it's come by, eat dinner, talk about our week and lives, screw, he asks me to stay, I refuse, he tries to convince, I get tired and just stay.

To me he seems confused. I'd rather just him figure it out alone and let me know.

 

[eebb]

No other thoughts?

 

[Pyropyro]

You sure he's INTP? Based on your suggestions he sounds like our shadow: ESFJ. Perhaps he was stressed when he took the test?

Anyways, if you want to do FWB then continue your relationship but don't expect anything better. If you want a deeper relationship then I suggest walking away... really fast.

 

[eebb]

Absolutely positive. He did just get out of an 8 1/2 year relationship. He also is working on a very important campaign until November. And before he left on vacation he told me that he wouldn't have much time to do anything. That he'd be on call and that work was going to be the most important.

I mean what it seemed to me is that he wanted to spend time with me but not be serious. He told me before we continue with this, that if there was any emotional attachment that we should end it. And before he left on vacation, he asked if I wanted a drawer at his place or if I could move in for a while when he came back. To me it sounded like he realized he wouldn't have time.

This is possible, right? That he just wants to take things super slow? I mean, I'm pretty sure he just assumed I wanted something serious. When in reality, I just wanted things to be more clear and let whatever happen, happen.

I really don't see how he could change his feelings when they were so obvious and strong because he told me a number of times how he felt. Not to mention his absolute interest in my life and ridiculous problems. I personally wouldn't do that unless I cared about someone. But I don't know how INTPs are in general.

 

[Pyropyro]

Well I'll just take your word for it but for me this guy isn't INTP.

This is possible, right? That he just wants to take things super slow? I mean, I'm pretty sure he just assumed I wanted something serious. When in reality, I just wanted things to be more clear and let whatever happen, happen.

Yes, but very very unlikely. No, I think he doesn't want to take progress things at all beyond FWB. Are you sure that this is really what you feel? Because the actions you stated here says otherwise.

I really don't see how he could change his feelings when they were so obvious and strong because he told me a number of times how he felt. Not to mention his absolute interest in my life and ridiculous problems. I personally wouldn't do that unless I cared about someone. But I don't know how INTPs are in general.

INTP's tend to tell people how they think not feel. We do express feelings but only for very intimate relationships (or if we have a breakdown of some sort). The fact that he left you and toyed with other girls tells me that you are not in a very intimate relationship. Also, the fact that he was able to easily tell you how he feels is another red signal for me. INTP's aren't the best spokespersons when it comes to feelings.

 

[Base groove]

Pyro can't you just assume he is INTP and go from there? Hypothetically?

Well now that I'm here....

I have an INTP friend who needs months or occasionally over a year between visits, and then other times he's up for a higher frequency. He's quite mobile and doesn't live in my city, but owns a townhouse in a neighboring town, so he's around a lot where he could visit but doesn't (~90%). I should mention there is no sex involved, that fogs up the glass a bit if ya know what I mean.... so your situation is obviously more complicated.

However, that being said, I believe what I intend to tell you is still valid, and that is ...

that he's an ISFJ and wanted to marry you and can't bear the thought of you being promiscuous or corrupted even though he may be a total hypocrite about it?

just a guess..........

 

[Pyropyro]

Pyro can't you just assume he is INTP and go from there? Hypothetically?

I tried man, it just doesn't compute in my mind. Perhaps others can give it a better go?

 

[BigApplePi]

Well I'll just take your word for it but for me this guy isn't INTP.

Hey Pyropyro if this guy isn't INTP then she is working with an assumption that isn't there. When she said he just got out of an 8 1/2 year relationship, the meaning of that could override everything. Such a guy would be uncertain as to how to proceed with yet another relationship and she wants clarity.

eebb in your place I would emphasize how different or unique I am.

 

[eebb]

For the love of God, he is an INTP. He travels alone, told me he's an introvert, very spontaneous and messy, will discuss theory with me for hours, and well, there's no doubt he's a thinker.

I guess him saying he liked me for x reasons isn't really feelings. He did express that he couldn't believe that we were sleeping together and was very excited and shocked when it happened.

Granted, I am the one describing him. And I don't think you can determine whether or not he is based off of my diction and syntax.

The fact that he shared with me things that have happened in his childhood, and tried to comfort me when I told him personal things, makes me think there is something more.

I do like him. I'm very curious and that's probably what drives it. I care for him to an extent, I suppose. And enjoy his company. He didn't toy with other girls. He said he was going on dates because he wanted to meet new people but only liked going on first dates.

He was okay with dating other people. And asked me if I was sleeping around and getting tested. My problem is an ENFJ co-worker telling him I wanted a serious relationship and I didn't want him to see anyone else.

And not to mention, I'm currently listening into my boss saying that he's lonely. In which case, I'm sure he will cave soon. Maybe.

 

[stiney1228]

He does sound like an INTP, or at least i'm one and I am not a bitch about it like he clearly sounds, but I do prefer casual relationships.
I wouldn't exactly classify it as FWB, I like relationships with guys I have been friends with for a while, guys who already know me really well as a friend, our relationship becomes sort of an extension of that but is completely exclusive.

Commitments are not my thing, I love the one I'm with and I expect the same respect. If we talk about anything concerning the future, I like to keep it so that we talk about what we want years from now but never in such a way that we discussed OUR future together. I'm too spontaneous, I know where I'll be in five years but not in five minutes, days or weeks.

I hate talking about my feelings even with my best friend, I approach most situations as if I am an uninvolved third party. I dont even like lovey dovey texts, they make me uncomfortable.

It has caused a couple breakups because they felt I didn't show much affection past friendship except when we were sleeping together. I suppose I should work on that because its true, I have trouble showing affection unless I'm alone with the person.

Maybe this guy is the same way, maybe he's not saying the right things because he doesn't know how, it's awkward or makes him uncomfortable. It's possible for him to want more than FWB but you really need to ask him, he's the only one with the answer.

He wanted you to have a drawer at his place, that sounds like something. Just understand his idea of a commitment may be different than yours.

 

[eebb]

So should I do anything? I'm pretty sure he rationalized that it wasn't a good time and maybe listened to some friends that it wasn't a good idea. I was going to let him be for a while and contact him in a couple of months. There are just too many things for me to think he only wanted fwb. I think he thought he doesn't have the time or energy for anything demanding but also wanted company. He's lonely for sure though.

Aside from "move on" what else have you got?

 

[Base groove]

So should I do anything? I'm pretty sure he rationalized that it wasn't a good time and maybe listened to some friends that it wasn't a good idea. I was going to let him be for a while and contact him in a couple of months. There are just too many things for me to think he only wanted fwb. I think he thought he doesn't have the time or energy for anything demanding but also wanted company. He's lonely for sure though.

Aside from "move on" what else have you got?

Nothing.

Aside from complaining about your life, what else have you got? ... nothing?
Are you interesting or valuable to us?

Are you really a TE dominant?

 

[eebb]

If that's what you really think, I see no reason as to why you'd even waste your time replying and mine for having to read that.

 

[Base groove]

If that's what you really think, I see no reason as to why you'd even waste your time replying and mine for having to read that.

You waste your own time and ours. Nobody gives a fuck about your problems. Thanks. (PS I'm drunk so don't get too but hurt) Why the hell do people come to the fuckign INTP forum with their relationship problems ALL the fucking time? Don't you understand what INFERIOR means? Gawsh.

 

[Kuu]

I'd be pretty wary of relationships after recently ending an 8-year long one...

And the age thing, I'd also be cautious getting into a relationship with someone that's in a different life stage, like early twenties. Too many changes in those times.

He's probably confused and unprepared to be in a committed relationship again, even if he does like you. You could just keep making him company, and perhaps over time he'll feel stable and safe enough to commit (or not). I wouldn't pressure him on the issue though, cause that would be annoying considering he told you he wasn't looking for that...

It's a long term project for you, if you want to stick to it without guarantees (not that "serious" relationships have any sort of actual guarantee anyway, in my experience).

 

[eebb]

I don't see how that'd hurt my feelings considering I don't know you, but ok.

Kuu, thank you. I had a feeling that it may be a long term thing. I've noticed patterns in other intp relationships. Nothing is guaranteed but I should probably reflect on what I really want right now before deciding on taking on such a hefty "project". Thanks.

 

[QuickTwist]

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Socra Maat]

Maybe he simply does not want to complicate life, to just enjoy the flow. You have to understand, his internal world is complicated, after an 8 year relationship... I would steer clear of any definition..
Also take into account: A 30 INTP male sleeping with a ENTJ 23 female.. let me be frank: this
is an ideal sexual-intellectual arrangement and he may not want to ruin it with "grids" (just yet).
I personally appreciate passionate sexual-intellectual FWB more than any other.. "structure".
PS: Please do not think of him as a big project either!

Enjoy the arrangement and go with the flow. As an INTP, I will state that you experienced an (Ne-Fe) mania, which is great while it lasts, yet it always fades and goes gray for a while. This does not mean the passion is lesser! Just on hibernation, recharging for the slower deeper Fe waves that may re-emerge if you stay around and go with the flow.
For me this equates to (Excitement/intrigue/fascination, etc) then (Disconnect, recharge, contemplation) then (Appreciation/empathy/"love").

Regardless of whether I actually express it often or directly to the person, a genuine sexual-intellectual friend is highly appreciated and closer to me than most people, typically leading to legit "dating" unless spoiled.

 

[deadpixel]

As an INTP here are my two cents, He does like you to a degree otherwise he wouldnt want you around him. He says he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now for two reasons, 1) An INTP knows what being in a relationship entails and isnt ready to fork up those things just yet. 2) He wants to keep his options open, even though he might like you its not enough to not keep his options open.

 

[Jennywocky]

Well, I just lost my first post... arggg.... Don't feel like retyping everything or if I can recall everything.

Anyway, to cut to the chase: You sound like you are trying to justify investing more time and energy with a guy who you have trouble understanding and communicating with and who doesn't seem as interested in the relationship as you are.

People put their best feet forward early in a relationship. If this is the best it gets before you have to start doing the HARD work involved in an LTR or marriage... is that something you want to do? This guy also told you early on that he couldn't respect you because you went home with a stranger a few months before you went home with him -- yet he's looking for a FWB. That seems like a double standard to me. He also told you that "by his logical estimation" 30 and 23 years old in a marriage don't work out so well. He kinda laid it all out there for you, and it sounds like you picked up on it, but are trying to figure out a way to get this to work anyway.

As far as INTPs go, he doesn't "do what his friends tell him." What he WILL do is consider new information provided by anyone, if he thinks it is valid, and factor that into his thinking process, and this could change his answer. (If he is susceptible to peer pressure at all, it's at most the desire to "not look stupid" to others.)

You say he was more interested in you at first than you were in him. Probably. He engaged you, tried a few rounds, then decided with his head that the risk was too great and it wasn't a good investment in energy. I don't know if your NTJ-ness makes you decide things ahead of time, but for NTPs it's very much an exploration process; you come in with an idea, but the experience and knowledge gained can lead you to change direction in mid-course if you realize your conclusion was faulty. decisions are organic and unfolding, not made and set in stone.

here's this last bit:

So should I do anything? I'm pretty sure he rationalized that it wasn't a good time and maybe listened to some friends that it wasn't a good idea. I was going to let him be for a while and contact him in a couple of months. There are just too many things for me to think he only wanted fwb. I think he thought he doesn't have the time or energy for anything demanding but also wanted company. He's lonely for sure though.

It sounds like you are trying to discount his decisions because they don't make sense to you, instead of just taking them at face value. I understand that he has given you contradictory information. I'd ask you again, are you sure you want to be with a guy who told you the things he told you, who you don't understand, who you think is swayed by peer pressure to that degree (while being seven years older than you), etc? It sounds like you're committed to the decision, even when the situation is changing into something you might not actually prefer. In the end, he is still the one who has to decide whether or not to accept your overtures, and no amount of argument is going to do that.

To end on a more agreeable note, yes, I'm sure he was lonely. I find that I have a strong push/pull with other human beings -- I like company and just having someone around but at the same time fear I will run out of time and energy to function, if the other person(s) demand too much from me. My pools are limited, and I need recharge time, and especially if you are used to being alone and not having commitments to others, it can be frustrating to want to do one thing but feel responsibilities to spend that time and energy on others even when you like them and enjoy what time you do spend with them. It's just an odd conundrum to be accepted and dealt with. And I know if I make a decision to be with someone just because I'm lonely, it doesn't mean the relationship is a good one nor that I will be happy, necessarily.

Ultimately the decision is yours to make, obviously; I would advise cooling things off and contacting him in a bit and reexploring and see if the absence has changed his opinion a bit. He already set some boundaries, and pushing at them because you don't think he is being authentic is probably going to make those boundaries more rigid rather than less and could also convince him that he was right about the potential problems in any relationship with you. Giving him time off lets any "missing you" feelings build; if he doesn't miss you, then that's also your answer.

 

[Chocobana]

When I was reading your description of the guy, he didn't sound very INTP to me but it makes sense after a little thinking. INTPs rationalize things too much, which ruins many experiences other people tend to enjoy/go through. Sometimes we find it too much of a bother to start a relationship with all its emotional drama and attachments so it might be better not to go through it in the first place. Or have a no-strings-attached relationship, which would be convenient in this case since it's only physical.

He's obviously not looking for a serious relationship right now and he's only giving you excuses for how a relationship would not work between you two because he knows you're serious. If you have no qualms on having a FWB thing going on, then just go with the flow.

I just want to give you a piece of advice if you're planning to ever date the guy, don't pester him too much with phone-calls and questions. INTPs are very easy-going and like to be given their own space in a relationship. I mean, I hate it when my own friends call me too much and I'm a girl. How would it be for a guy? Calling every day? That's a big no-no. Even if he were on a vacation. Hehehe I was horrified at the thought. I guess it depends on the level of his introversion.