What do you do when you are lonely?

[BigApplePi]

Actually, I am closing in on the end of life in this world and I suffer from the delusion that I have something of value to share with Others. Yet virtually everything I offer, receives no positive feedback. Isn't loneliness just that? A lack of Sincere positive feedback from a significant Other or just Others in the general public?

Fortunately, I am very conceited and really do not need positive feedback to encourage me to be who I am. I think that Self-discovery is a very important facet of maturation as a human. If one depends on Others, via positive feedback, to supply an identity, then one is always dependent upon Others - at their mercy, more or less.

BTW - I do enjoy company, but it is such a gamble to get involved with Others. I find that most people have never had a free thought their entire lives, so just spout the propaganda they have been indoctrinated with, Others seem to want to use me for their own amusement and Others believe I am so gullible (even at my age) that I can be heavy-handedly manipulated...

It has been my experience, that most people want something from me and very, very few just want to give or share, something good. It is better to be alone, than with the 'wrong' people...

Children are the exception, but I no longer spend much time with kids...

Da Blob. Happened to notice your post by accident as I'm off the boards for a few days. Am I wrong or is that a pessimistic post? (But then again this thread is about loneliness ... a strange condition of man ... or is it just mostly about introverts? "Closing in on the end of life"? Are you ill or have you posted something and I missed it? I think you have much to offer for you raise issues and have a different position from many here. For me I don't reply much because your "style" or personality is so different from mine. We could even ask, "how is that style" different? I notice it when I read certain people. It's hard to describe without getting a "no I'm not like that." Something to do with ... here's a try: Some people are finely analytical. I am. So I can converse on small fine points. You are not like that. I experience you as more "wholey integrated" but can't put my finger on it.

Here's another thought. You put out on one thread some visuals. I looked at some and I was ready to appreciate. But I sat with an impression unanalyzed. That why I would have no response. For me to be engaged I'd have to be asked a question ... as simple as, "what do you think of this?" How does this particular impress you? Or, "I was impressed by this for this reason." Saying that would or could provoke me to say, "I didn't see that" or "I wasn't grabbed that way" or I agree and "did find that defined something for me."

Conceited? Not sure. I don't think you are conceited. I think you think you are conceited. There is more in your post, but let's see what this does.

I'm going to repeat this: loneliness is about not connecting when you want to. I can even sense this when I want to connect with myself and can't ... or don't or won't or am not ready.

Maybe I'm all wet here and am not saying anything that connects. I thought I'd say it anyway because your post was provocative. I have to get back to the stock market ...

 

[Da Blob]

Human communication is actually a relatively rare phenomena. I once read a textbook once on communication and it did not mention listening a single time. One of the components of therapy is to engage in a therapeutic relationship via display of dramatic "Active Listening" techniques. One of these techniques is to provide feedback by asking questions that prove to the client that One is listening and thinking about what the client is 'attempting to communicate".

Few here or in other social media ask me such questions, for they, seemingly, do not value my answers.

Yet I continue to attempt to communicate in my last days as a human to humans. I continue to write, without evidence that readers are listening with their eyes (questioning) because I am conceited. Conceit, generally, has a negative connotation. However, the definition of the word was really neutral, that is once it meant being Self centered. One of the perks of being Self actualized is a Self-centeredness or conceit, that is based upon self confidence, self respect and other characteristics of Self.

As far as whether my prior comment was pessimistic or optimistic, that really depends on one's POV. If one hopes to use one's social identity to solve problems, then one must examine the utility of socialization and become adept at social skills - which basically are tools that allow one to profit from Others. I think one has to maintain an objective view of the utility of humans as tools to serve Self.

This is not a bad thing. Realizing that Others only tolerate me because I could provide utility at some point of time, actually provides a type of freedom.

For whom is greater, the One who has a million servants or the One who serves a million? I have served a few and via the wonders of human language being recorded, I can still serve after my death to those yet unborn.

I guess it is a matter of what use Others have for "Da Blob", how they expect him to serve them...

 

[BigApplePi]

Holy moly Da Blob. I'm going to respond to that even though it may not be to your liking. I will respond as I am without thinking too much about what are all the possibilities of who you are even though that isn't optimum.

Spoiler

Note that I've boxed the replies so to help make clear what areas I am responding to. I've done this with other threads and by now the practice has made it easy though not so at first.

These are impressions. What I am after is NOT who you are or who I am, but how communication takes place, if it does at all. If it gets what I am after and if it fails for you to get what you are after. Again this is a thread about absence of contact defined to be loneliness. Does this make sense so far? What I'm hoping is anything uncovered here will transfer to others who post here. (Now who's being conceited, lol.)

Human communication is actually a relatively rare phenomena. I once read a textbook once on communication and it did not mention listening a single time. One of the components of therapy is to engage in a therapeutic relationship via display of dramatic "Active Listening" techniques. One of these techniques is to provide feedback by asking questions that prove to the client that One is listening and thinking about what the client is 'attempting to communicate".

As far as this forum goes, acknowledgment of a post that one wonders if it is heard is a great thing. I've gotten that sometimes and that is appreciated, but then do I acknowledge the acknowledgment?... Certainly negative acknowledgment I don't too fondly receive, but I interpret that as due to something present I failed to recognize in the other person. If I know the other person, I rarely get negative responses, but on another bulletin board I regularly got flamed. Why? I failed in a certain way and wanted to find fault with the other guy when, again I failed to see who they were and failed to listen to them (ENTJs) or their underlying feelings or what they were after with a better thought recognition. So listening is important but also to let the other person KNOW you are listening.

You mentioned therapy. Maybe I missed earlier posts, but this thread is not about therapy. It's about loneliness.

Few here or in other social media ask me such questions, for they, seemingly, do not value my answers.

Don't know. I doubt your answers are not valued ... until I see an example. Sometimes a negative evaluation is better than none.

Yet I continue to attempt to communicate in my last days as a human to humans. I continue to write, without evidence that readers are listening with their eyes (questioning) because I am conceited. Conceit, generally, has a negative connotation. However, the definition of the word was really neutral, that is once it meant being Self centered. One of the perks of being Self actualized is a Self-centeredness or conceit, that is based upon self confidence, self respect and other characteristics of Self.

What "last days?" Is your humanness terminating or terminating soon? Make a provocative statement and I will respond.

"Conceit"? Well is that the common usage of that word? With no context, to me it means, "having an unduly high opinion of oneself." I have to ask myself, is Da Blob speaking in common language from himself or speaking from Maslow or one of those self-actualized guy's POV? Conceit indeed!

As far as whether my prior comment was pessimistic or optimistic, that really depends on one's POV. If one hopes to use one's social identity to solve problems, then one must examine the utility of socialization and become adept at social skills - which basically are tools that allow one to profit from Others. I think one has to maintain an objective view of the utility of humans as tools to serve Self.

I agree. Still I find that paragraph a bit cryptic or evasive ... not direct. I think of the therapeutic situation where there is or can be "one-way intimacy." I don't believe in one-way intimacy ... perhaps not EVEN in the therapeutic situation.

This is not a bad thing. Realizing that Others only tolerate me because I could provide utility at some point of time, actually provides a type of freedom.

I believe human interaction should be of mutually utility. There should be no undue restriction on either party's freedom.

For whom is greater, the One who has a million servants or the One who serves a million? I have served a few and via the wonders of human language being recorded, I can still serve after my death to those yet unborn.

Ideally I'd go for both. They are not mutually exclusive. Human relations which do make contact are not either/or.

I guess it is a matter of what use Others have for "Da Blob", how they expect him to serve them...

Goes both ways ... always.

... I'm going back to processing the stock market.

 

[Bird]

Da Blob I know this is off topic but could you please list
all of the characteristics of Self?

 

[digital angel]

Are you lonely or are you bored? The things I like to do to include:

1) reading;
2) being on the computer;
3) going out for a walk;
3) hanging out with friends and colleagues;
4) being in seminars (or learning);

 

[Darby]

Well, I certainly hope that I'm not one of those people who is incapable of listening, but I no doubt am. Which I regret deeply, I used to be a good listener, I guess I just got tired of listening, of being passive rather than active (might have been because of the therapy I went through because I was "too passive").

I realize I may not be the best listener, but I do try to respect your posts, and glean what I can from them. You were one of the first to really welcome me to this forum and I respect that and thank you, but many of your posts (specifically pertaining to God/gods) generally leaving me confused and realizing that it was a stupid topic to bring up because it quite simply isn't something I will understand any time soon.

On topic:

I like to go on the interwebs and have conversations with people I don't know, usually in videogames, althoguh I recently found a movie stream I like quite a bit where I can converse with other bad movie watchers.
I try reading but it generally reminds me of how not socially adept and/or lonely I am.
basically I find people I barely know in real life (if at all) and talk to them.
If I'm feeling especially lonely I will go hang out with one of my close friends, and go to a 24/7 Diner and eat a ham breakfast and chat.

I used to find comfort in being alone, now I just feel more lonely

 

[Da Blob]

Arrgh!


Ho Hum, I was trying to address my own experiences with the emotion of loneliness and how I was able to permanently overcome that 'state of mind" (Not post a selfish condemnation of the non-listeners of the world) Sorry, for the derailment...



I certainly did not mean to discount all of the comments of those who posted lists of things to do to distract one from the experience of being lonely. I am sure that these are valid tactics for temporary relief from the symptoms of loneliness.

re:BAP -You mentioned therapy. Maybe I missed earlier posts, but this thread is not about therapy. It's about loneliness.

Yes, but, loneliness is a problem that some do seek to solve via "professional" therapy. Again, the word therapy is just jargon for the word Help. I thought I was being Helpful... (?)

Bird
Re: What do you do when you are lonely?
Da Blob I know this is off topic but could you please list
all of the characteristics of Self?

Probably not...
Although if one examines all of the words that have self as a prefix - that would be a good start on such a list. Do a google search for Self quotes, that puts some of those "selfish" words into a context... One of my favorites of such...

“Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.”
Abraham J. Heschel

As far as an actual list see page two of this in the opposite category
http://www.royy.com/step4.pdf

 

[Fallenman]

Often times it leads to depression as I become well too aware of my chaotic mind (it's so counter-intuitive for an INTP to be scared by his mind, but there are evils there that I don't often want to partake in).

And sometimes that leads to inspiration and self-empowerment when I try and overcome my devils

But if its too overwhelming I sleep on it sort of like a reset button (it is said that sleep deprivation often leads to depression).

Or I'll distract myself in some way or form (games etc) or i'll simply seek companionship.

Being alone is great, but loneliness is a bitch from hell that we're best not getting involved with if at all possible.

 

[BigApplePi]

Being alone is great, but loneliness is a bitch from hell that we're best not getting involved with if at all possible.

My understanding (from watching the movies, lol) is that solitary confinement is the punishment least appreciated by prisoners (outside of physical abuse).

Now if you were a prisoner and had to go into solitary, which personality type would you pick? What about INTP? And why?

 

[Stigmata]

Immerse myself in video games and random, useless Wikipedia information.

 

[crippli]

Immerse myself in video games and random, useless Wikipedia information.

Oh, poor thing, you don't seek other human beings? What does lonely mean to you?

 

[PennyRoyalty]

Listen to music, various drugs, alchohol, whatever. I'm usually fine with being alone, but if I feel like I need interaction I just keep myself busy, or go find some interaction.

 

[Awaken]

I like reading your post Da Blob. You seem like a very rational person, yet you often speak of the value of subjectivity/God. I sure as hell havent found much value in those things, but I love taking on new perspectives in order to learn. What use is it to only communicate with those who share your same perspective? One of these days Im sure I will find one that is congruent with my mental and physical world and at the same time reconciles all I have learned in life.

I too dont think many people know the art of listening. What people generally engage in is hearing. You hear someone say something, then you hear your own thought, and this we mistake as listening......sigh. Im not sure if I know anyone in real life who knows how to listen, thus loneliness is not far removed from general life. We go around thinking that we are in the same conversation as someone else because we share the same language. IMO, this is one of the biggest follies of man.

So, what do I do when I get so fed up with this loneliness? Distract my brain with something or try to socialize. Videogames work well as it kills two birds with one stone. My job does the same which is why I love it so much. Music is another useful tool. I think I feel music more than I hear it, which is a sense that I do not identify with "I" all that much, so there is no possibility of loneliness. It is like being in a slightly different state of consciousness than I am used to. Probably a byproduct of immature Fe.

 

[Zensunni]

I drink coffee and smoke cigarettes while reading a book.

I can do that for up to fourteen hours straight and then it is time to eat and go to bed.

 

[boondockbabe]

Being alone is great, but loneliness is a bitch from hell that we're best not getting involved with if at all possible.

that is why I ALWAYS find reasons to distract myself. Loneliness is dangerous. I think that is what they mean by: "too much time to think"

 

[Stigmata]

Oh, poor thing, you don't seek other human beings? What does lonely mean to you?

Eh, it's sort of a double-edged sword. Obviously if I'm feeling lonely then the theoretical solution would be to seek out others, yet I'd rather cope with the feeling of loneliness than subject myself to an physical interaction that is both mundane in content and contrived. My selectiveness with those I'm willing to socialize with is both the cause of this issue and the solution to others.

 

[ham candle]

I go slowly, steadily insane. Every once in a while, I join an internet forum.

 

[grumpy]

I eat the entire fridge and then I jerk off. That's how I roll.

 

[zycia]

Loneliness is a strange thing...mostly I feel lonely when I'm in a crowd.Then I pick some strangers to observe and entertain myself by watching their activities and derive my own conclusion about their personality,etc.
If by chance I'm completely alone and yet lonely(very rarely) then I serf online and read something...same what I do for entertainment.

 

[pvillanueva]

Please share.

I did not direct my life. I didn't design it. I never made decisions. Things always came up and made them for me. That's what life is. B. F. Skinner

 

[BigApplePi]

I try to take some actions to keep from being lonely. Why? Because I guess I don't like it. The alternative would be to sit with it and mull it over. Haven't worked this quite out.

 

[Roddick]

I use to watch movies or play video games online...!!
And yeah I also order my favourite Pizza so that I'll get lots of fun in that time...!!

 

[ked]

When I am lonely, in case I don't need that much rest, I go out alone, meet people or have outer hobbies with people. If I need rest, I go out alone or do nothing and feel depressed.

 

[Roran]

When I'm lonely, I do things to take my mind off of it (play videogames, browse the forum, etc) rather than think about it and remember I actually don't have any friends besides my brother..............

 

[pjoa09]

You aren't being watched when you are alone. You can masturbate, talk to yourself, make loud noises, say shit you want to, drink your whiskey (fuck yes I have the Blue,Green,Black, and Gold), try to put your ideas into play (even be successful at it, be sad (you can't do that when they are around), play random little solos endlessly, and obsess over things (they find it weird).

I think the more important question is what do you do when people are around?

Really, you can't do much. You can't yell fuck you to people and punch them.
I follow the orders and rules when they are around.
It's not much fun.

They judge you in daylight.
They can't when it's night.
They are sleeping.
The house is yours.
The streets are yours.

Let your mind breathe.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

You aren't being watched when you are alone. You can masturbate, talk to yourself, make loud noises, say shit you want to, drink your whiskey (fuck yes I have the Blue,Green,Black, and Gold), try to put your ideas into play (even be successful at it, be sad (you can't do that when they are around), play random little solos endlessly, and obsess over things (they find it weird).

I think the more important question is what do you do when people are around?

Really, you can't do much. You can't yell fuck you to people and punch them.
I follow the orders and rules when they are around.
It's not much fun.

They judge you in daylight.
They can't when it's night.
They are sleeping.
The house is yours.
The streets are yours.

Let your mind breathe.

 

[Reverse Transcriptase]

Read a book.
Watch a movie.
Go to the mall (to people-watch).
Call someone I know on the phone (more rarely, though).
Surf the net / post on Internet sites / PM people.
Play a computer game.
Eat.
Write something.
Go hiking.
Play the piano.

Occasionally I get into bed, cry, and fall sleep.
Yeah, fun.

Jenny, I love you. I also like to go into bed, cry, and fall asleep. Surprisingly cathartic.

I go to a very secluded spot.

Yup! I wonder how effective it is to fix loneliness to find a secluded spot... but I can see the incentive. You already feel lonely, don't feel like putting in the effort to attempt to make friends, so you might as well OWN it and just be alone. Fuck humans.

+1 to drinking alone. :P

I think my greatest use of time is in walking. I love long walks and it gives me time to reflect on some areas for writing. At the moment I am able to distract myself with work but that is not always an option.

I am lonely and have just come out of a bad depression; I have more control now than I did so I guess I'm going to try and change my circumstances. I've been accepted into a post-grad reading group so that is a start..

My peace/thoughts go out to you. It's tough. Walks are good. I'm in the city, so it's hard to walk alone. Fortunately I commute to work via a 25 minute walk, so I get an hour of walking each day.

What is it with INTP's and zoofilia? I mean, I know we find it kinda hard to find human partners sometimes, but come on people

:-P Don't get us started on dolphins!

What do you mean by 'lonely'? What does it feel like? Do you feel a need to talk to someone? Or just the sense of being alone? The latter isn't a negative thing though. I think loneliness implies a desire for company. I suppose I've felt that before, I think. I'm not sure. I've felt compulsions for contact, but haven't felt sad over not having any. I've felt sad over rejection, and shame/awkwardness over being alone, but I'm really finding it hard to remember instances of being lonely. I'm wondering if we're all using different definitions? Maybe 'lonely' for some simply means procrastinating-through-a-compulsion-to-talk. Or social awkwardness over being alone. A desire for company in order to alleviate that awkwardness and pressure. But not actual desire for company, for company's sake. I'm not sure I understand properly.

What do you mean by loneliness, Bird?

I feel kinda like an AVENite (asexual forum) asking what 'sexual attraction' feels like.
"So they make you itch? Why can't you scratch it yourself? You need them to scratch or it won't go away? So you *need* them? That's kinda dependent and pathetic. Ohhh, it's sort of like craving chocolate...Eeeww, you feel like you want to eat them? That's so weird. Or is it that they just make you salivate? That's crazy. What exactly is it that happens? I still don't get it. Your bajingo does WHAT?!"

Quoted for truth.

I believe there are different kinds of loneliness.

There is the loneliness of the lighthouse keeper, far from society, no other soul for miles around. But he knows, when he returns to the city, there will be people to talk to and friends might be waiting.
Then there is another kind of loneliness. The loneliness of the person, who lives in a city surrounded by millions of people. But he has no friends. He goes to a bar, in hopes of finding someone to talk to. But he is too shy to start up a conversation, and even if he did, he'd be too inept at sustaining a conversation...

That being said, I think i sometimes confuse boredom and hunger and, now that I've read this thread, maybe also loneliness. Sometimes I use my free time productively. I browse the web for interesting stuff or try and learn something new. But more often than not, i fall into a hole of lethargy and waste my time away with such things as games, browsing funny (and sometimes even unfunny) websites, trying to find anything to do, except the things i should be doing. That's the worst part. I have obligations to fulfill but i cannot move myself towards these.

What about the person who became a lighthouse keeper, because he was too SCARED to make friends? He could make friends, and was actually liked by the town, but was so frightened and self-concerned that he withdrew himself? Removed himself from the equation. I spend a lot of time worrying that I will do this one day, and end up in a large quiet ranch by myself in Nevada.

 

[CLOfriendOSE]

Usually when I think I'm lonely, I'm really just bored. In general human interaction offers little to no value to me unless I feel like indulging in my senses (which rarely occurs). I most often feel "lonely" when my partner is away for long periods of time, as he is perhaps one of the few humans who I can bounce thoughts upon and build hypotheticals with.

Anyway, I feel:
Bored + Sadness= Lonely
Now, Boredom= Lack of Energy
Lack of Energy + Sadness = Depression
Lonely = Depression

So, often I will do something to deal with these things. Before I was on medication to deal with depression, yet it made me more of a zombie. Now I deal with the causes.

To deal with energy:
stretching, body alignment, walking, pushups, core routine

To Deal with sadness:
question why I feel sad, question the validy of said answers, allow myself to feel sad if needed

Once I have energy:
Practice Scales, Do my Bartok piano exercises, Sing, Read things in German

Usually these things get rid of my sadness. I feel that we're conditioned to think that we need other people in order to do things (you have to learn in school, play sports on a team, watch movies with friends, etc) so once you realize you can do these things, most likely in a more meaningful manner, alone that things will get "better".

 

[Peeps999]

Listen to music
Write music
Read
Hang out with friends if I'm really desperate
Lay in bed and think for hours
Fap

 

[Zionoxis]

I just surf the web and talk to people. If you are lonely, talk. I avoid Facebook like the plague (yet I use Rockmelt as my default..ironic isn't it?). I am active in quite a few communities online. Worst case, I just download some anime, a movie, or try to actually finish learning C++ for once in my life.

 

[OverCaes]

wish I wasn't, think about the girls I could talk to, realize they're not worth the hassle, do something creative or otherwise engaging.

It's a vicious, productive cycle.