Ways to Reduce My Introversion

[art3m1s]

Hi guys. I think I should introduce myself first since this is my first time posting here. My name is Ryan. I'm 21. I like to read, write, draw and paint. I like reading up on philosophy, watching videos, playing chess, and collecting fountain pens. Anyway I'm here because I need help brainstorming for ways to reduce my introversion.

I'm dealing with a situation that has no solution. I have absolutely no desire to socialize with others in nearly every social setting. I cannot relate to others at all. I only socialize with my family at home or I have to. If I never have to socialize with strangers, I have absolutely no problem with this. I also don't care about anything that exists in the outside world. All I want to do is stay in inside and read or browse the internet. I have absolutely no interests that require me to go outside. I like art, but I'd rather stay inside and create art. There is no need for me to go outside to create art. When I force myself to go outside to do the things that most people are interested in it only results in more consequences. I find that my lack of interest in socializing is a big problem not only for me, but others. Because I cannot connect to others, my morality level is far lower than others. As a result ethical behavior is not as important to me as it is to others. Consequently I am more inclined to do wrong.

I have two reasons why I want to change my temperament. I want to increase my desire to socialize because I am concerned about the consequences that my lack of human induced morality could have on my self-esteem and others. The last reason why I want to communicate with others is because I desire a sound relationship and have determined that relationships are fundamental human needs. Currently any relationships that I get into are going to be scripted and fake. Any potential partners will eventually find my faults no matter how well I try to fake conversations with them.

Despite the dilemma I'm in, I've determined that there may still hope for me. This hope is based on the product of chance. I have determined that probability and exposure to chances to increase my desire to socialize with others could turn things around but I need to find ways to increase my exposure with the least amount of costs. For example, if I go to work, it results in less costs and more benefits. I work and gain profit along with the probability to increase my desire to socialize. I am certain that there is no way to hit a bullseye, but there is a way to make it possible to hit a bullseye. Any ideas?

 

[rushgirl2112]

Hello there, Ryan!

I'm not sure if the morality thing is something you can attribute to introversion. Introversion simply has to do with how you recharge, not how much you care about or respect other people.

I'm a fairly strong introvert. I do not like being around people because it is extremely stressful. As such, I'm quite a hermit, limiting my interactions to my immediate family and only whatever else is strictly necessary. However, I have a very strong moral code. I respect people's rights, I go out of my way not to inconvenience others, and if I hurt someone, even inadvertently, the remorse is crushing.

Be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that correlation = causation. You may have a lack of socialization and a low level of morality, but that does not mean that one causes the other. They may both be symptoms of a larger issue.

Please try not to take this the wrong way, because it isn't intended in any way as an insult, but have you ever considered the possibility that you might have a personality disorder? Or maybe something on the autism spectrum, like Asperger's? Or if there's been any trauma in your life, that can impact you that way too.

Any of those things could potentially explain what you're experiencing. Lack of desire to socialize, dislike of people, inability to empathize (leading to reduced interest in treating people ethically) . . . these sound like symptoms of a deeper issue than just introversion.

I can just about guarantee that increasing socialization is not going to solve your moral problem. There are tons of unethical people who are extremely sociable. If you're having trouble relating to other people or treating them ethically, you are unlikely to shift gears by forcing yourself to hang out with more of them. In fact, that may have the reverse effect - you might just find that they're so different from you that your disdain increases. I know that's a danger for me - the more I hang around with people, the more I find so many of them dreary and shallow.

Personally, I think you might benefit from talking to a professional about it, like a therapist. I don't know if you have any past experience with this or what your feelings are about such things. But if you do have reservations about it, just consider that it's really no different from any medical problem. If you were having abnormal physical symptoms, you'd see a doctor. Same here.

There's a certain stigma there in society still, but things are starting to get better. And even if it's not something diagnosable like a personality disorder or something, you are still likely to benefit tremendously from having a professional help you through the process of connecting with others better. It doesn't really sound like a DIY improvement project to me, I'm afraid.

But you are 100% correct that there is absolutely hope for you. You obviously WANT this to change, and you recognize what some of the problems are, so you're a big step ahead of a lot of people in your position. There are some specific types of therapy that can be helpful, so I hope you'll at least consider looking into it.

BTW, I want to reiterate that I am not in any way trying to insult you. You're clearly very articulate and intelligent, so this is in no way a comment on your mental capacity. It just may be that your brain is wired a little differently when it comes to interactions with others, and finding a more comfortable place in the world for you may just require a little tinkering. I know mine has!

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

Because I cannot connect to others, my morality level is far lower than others. As a result ethical behavior is not as important to me as it is to others. Consequently I am more inclined to do wrong.

Hello and welcome!
I can absolutely relate to your situation,
but i may not be representative of the majority on this forum.
For starters, can you elaborate on what i have quoted?

Thanks!

 

[Trebuchet]

Any potential partners will eventually find my faults no matter how well I try to fake conversations with them.

Yes, and that's okay. Everyone has faults. A relationship has to include a way for people to deal with each other's faults.

As for feeling fake, I suspect that is really common around here. I feel like that a lot, though I wonder if it is not fake so much as self-conscious. If you choose a response that is both socially appropriate and advances your aims (like getting along socially, or continuing a pleasant conversation), then is that inherently fake? Or is that just a very analytical person with a nagging feeling of fake-ness?

If being social is uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and you are out of practice, you probably won't want to do it. It is more fun to do things we do well. But it gets better with practice and exposure to it.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

I like to read, write, draw and paint. I like reading up on philosophy, watching videos, playing chess, and collecting fountain pens.

I have absolutely no desire to socialize with others in nearly every social setting.

You'll never do something if you don't want to do it.

If you prefer collecting fountain pens to socializing, then that's what you'll do. Ultimately, forced socialization will prove to be stressful for you.

Because I cannot connect to others, my morality level is far lower than others. As a result ethical behavior is not as important to me as it is to others. Consequently I am more inclined to do wrong.

Your morality isn't due to a lack of connecting with others, it's simply part of who you are. This doesn't mean it can't change, just that only you can change it. I'd urge you to be authentic. Most of the time there's nothing wrong with "wrong."

I desire a sound relationship and have determined that relationships are fundamental human needs. Any potential partners will eventually find my faults no matter how well I try to fake conversations with them.

If you desire a sound relationship, then authenticity is key. Like you said, your partners will discover your faults, so you might as well just be open about them from the beginning. Including the moral ones.

 

[sushi]

work out and martial arts, find like minded people to talk. don't force yourself to relate to people you don't want to talk to.

 

[EditorOne]

Feeling fake comes about because you're forcing yourself to do things you'd prefer not to do.

You can talk to total strangers without much difficulty if you 1. have a common ground to start with and 2. rely heavily on questions that get the other person to talk about themselves.

Because most people (even many introverts) like to talk about themselves. It's like the only known factor in a complicated social equation you're trying to apply. You find out the unknowns by starting with the knowns.

1. Common ground doesn't take much. It takes two people in the same space at the same time sharing an experience. You comment on the experience, no matter how mundane, merely to see if the other person will join in a conversation or would rather not. The slowness of the bus, the crowd in the library, the person who just drove by talking on a cell phone and waving both arms, the coldness of the sky, whatever.
2. To get some polite questions going, you need to move on to the next step and introduce yourself. Identifying yourself with hand extended for a shake invariably, in Western cultures, prompts the other person to likewise identify themselves. Now you can start out with "I see you often on this bus, do you work downtown?" or "First time at this place?" or anything. Just keep asking politely about them, their family, their job, and their interests. Whatever they seem most interested in, keep them going with questions about how and when and where. (Try to avoid "why?" "Why?" kind of implies they need to justify themselves. You could, in place of "Why?" ask "what the attraction for you in collecting pencils?"

This isn't idle opinion. I've had to learn this stuff to deal with a late-life career change in which I have to talk to strangers. All this works. It doesn't work perfectly every time, but it works pretty well most of the time.

Expect some "nonengagement" sometimes from your initial attempts to get a conversation going. Sometimes, like you, people would rather stay inside their heads. As you know, it's no big deal.

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

 

[Brontosaurie]

i don't know if this helps but i've found i got more interested in people when i started to think of books, music, drawing etc as extended communication rather than some solitary escapist pastime.

there's creativity and inventiveness everywhere in what people do, similar to what you can find in a book. it's just not served in concentrated form for you, so you have to be slightly more perceptive and discerning to reap its benefits - i.e. not thinking of every interaction as a total drag.

 

[Starcrossed]

I'm just the same ways that I don't like the same things that all the social people do but I don't want to be holed up either. What I've done was figure out the things that I want to do (some of them require some level of social interaction some don't) and I've just been doing them: ie the segway tour, world of coke (that turned into one of my worst and best misadventures yet), the safari tour, sky diving and bungee jumping (that one is on hold for a few reasons, weather included), the museum, etc

I'm not big on clubs unless I'm going with a small group of people I know and even then I don't like going... the only benefit I see to me is if I am going to be playing cards (and betting), having a good debate, or winning your money with a night of 3 card monte (I'm not very popular when I pull out a deck of cards or a chess board). *when it comes to street magic, gambling, or challenging you to a game or chess/risk then I'm quite the extrovert (or at least I can pretend to be).

so long story short just find the things that you want to do, go out and live your life your way but don't be cooped up in your home for best part of your life, you will regret it in the long run.

 

[rjioej23]

@Art3m1s, how about a girlfriend? Throw yourself into it. It's fun.

 

[EditorOne]

"I'm not big on clubs unless I'm going with a small group of people I know"

...and even then I had to be drunk.

 

[rjioej23]

Big clubs are bad. Small clubs are good. Less claustrophobia, more chance of having some verbal interaction with people.

 

[Ex-User (9062)]

Clubbing is okay.

For some people.
I couldn't care less.
If i want to listen to really crappy music, i turn on the radio and throw it into a concrete mixer filled with bees and walnuts.
There's also better ways to sink your money.
And cheaper methods to destroy your brain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3OijEPPrSg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VJK5YpMLZY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhFUxce3d4I
Next station: the loony bin.