Vulnerability

[Anchorite]

Hello lovelies.
I was on "TED Talks" watching this video and about midway through was reminded of this place. It's fairly obvious that most of the people on this forum are generally terrified of making themselves vulnerable. Whether it be in relation to big time commitment or general small talk, I get the vibe that the INTPs that use this site hide vast amounts of themselves from family, friends, strangers, and maybe even yourselves. I definitely have before.

I'm just interested in seeing if you think I'm right with that observation and if so do you see at as a negative with yourself that you should work on changing, or just part of who you are that requires no fixing.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow...ed.com-copypaste&utm_source=direct-on.ted.com

I personally thought the video was pretty awesome and related a lot with the speaker.
Well, I got that out of my system. You can go on and let the thread die now.

 

[warryer]

This is what people mean when they say "be yourself" or "be confident." They mean to embrace what you are to the fullest of you ability.

I have struggled with this before and still do. It is definitely easier to express myself behind a keyboard. In social situations I constantly worry about how I will be seen instead of sharing what I am. Damn mass media decided to create this insidious being that is perfection. Most of us buy into that, sadly.

I can feel it as a hole in my being, as if there is some piece missing that I don't have and everyone else seems to have. I haven't been able to pinpoint it but, after seeing this video, I think that is what it is.

"Just" need to accept my imperfect self.

 

[IssphitiKOzS]

Your avatar, Anchorite, somewhat embodies this. With all the brightness inside the bubble peeking out to see if it's safe. Cool coincidence.

Thank you for posting this, I feel I need to watch it 5 or 6 more times before I can fully absorb an understanding of everything she's saying. At the same time though, I think it's obvious, it's all summed up in that cliche phrase "be yourself".

The problem -at least for me- is that I try to be myself, I try to share my interests, as well as giving the interests of others a chance. What happens though, is that others aren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, and because I've faked an interest -at least initially- in in others' interests, they now have the validation that what they're interested in is cool and great, and there's no point in seeing mine. And because I see all sides of the story, I can choose which is better for me, But they've not given mine the chance so how can they pass judgment? And yet, they do.

So even though I usually stick to my choices while continuing to fake interest (just to kill the necessary "friend" time spent with others) I've noticed more and more that I keep myself to me.

I guess my question at the end is: Why bother trying, I was okay with vulnerability before, I learned my lesson, and I know what will happen when I become okay with vulnerability again, so why share if you know what will happen?

[Obviously, anyone with an answer can answer, I wasn't just talking to Anchorite, that was just the avatar thing and the tanks for posting.]

 

[Anchorite]

I think the problem might lye with trying in the first place. If you're just being yourself I don't think trying in the regards that your talking about should come in to play. Maybe we just have to let it go and enjoy the fact that we're lucky enough to exist.
At that point the remarkably small minority that can truly be open and like any individual will see you as you are, opening the door to much more fulfilling relationships of all types.

When I picked my avatar a while ago I thought about it in a bit of a similar way that you did.

 

[IssphitiKOzS]

I'd hang that on my wall, or at least make it my desktop for a while. That's genuine interest btw.

I agree that it should be natural, trying was a poor word choice.

Why be yourself if you are certain of the outcome?

I understand that being yourself should attract like minds, but there's only so much "you're interestingly weird" I can take in the process.

I don't want to make this about me personally, I'm just putting my own experience out there as an example to stay with your original topic.

 

[snafupants]

"There was only one variable that separated people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it" and that, according to the speaker, is the belief by the former group that "they are worthy of love and belonging". She proceeds to talk about fear by the latter group as being this huge impediment. Alright, but are not some people irreconcilably aberrant from the population in their passions, tendencies, etc. as to make her definition and advice simpleminded? Namely, by "being themselves" they feel more alienated. Her whole speech was predicated around the idea that we can change our feelings by changing ourselves without necessarily changing the world or those around us - which is not surprising coming from a social worker. IMHO, this issue boils down to reinforcement, and may/may not invoke concepts like shame and worthiness and vulnerability. Reinforcement, some folk's behavior has been positively reinforced their entire lives because they live in concert with those around them: essentially, they are "normal" in their drives, interests, and needs. Other folks have struggled for love and belonging not necessarily because they have been feeling unworthy/shameful, but because their behavior has not been positive reinforced since infancy/childhood. Her whole spiel just seemed...simple, fabricated; but since her opinions are buttressed by years of research, we should all believe her. p.s., In fairness, she makes up for a lot at the end of her lecture (e.g., "We Pretend"). [/monster, never ending paragraph]

 

[Stoic Beverage]

I get the vibe that the INTPs that use this site hide vast amounts of themselves from family, friends, strangers, and maybe even yourselves. I definitely have before.

I don't "hide" anything, so to speak. If anyone cared to look, they would find the whole of my wonderful self. I just show by default whatever is least in conflict with the current situation.

 

[Solitaire U.]

I think you're confusing 'Vulnerability' with 'Self-Preservation'. My self-assessment advises that neither is worth the effort.

Catchy video though...a bit of a Fe-fest, but catchy.

 

[walfin]

She got a little preachy toward the end. Diluted the message.

Seems a bit contradictory, the part about pretending that what we do doesn't have consequences for other people. I would've thought that we feel shame precisely because we know that what we are doing or what happens to us has bad consequences for other people but yet we cannot stop it. Better if she had presented some data.

 

[nexion]

Yes.

They know nothing. I don't tell them. They don't ask. Everything works in perfect harmony.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Hello lovelies.
I was on "TED Talks" watching this video and about midway through was reminded of this place. It's fairly obvious that most of the people on this forum are generally terrified of making themselves vulnerable. Whether it be in relation to big time commitment or general small talk, I get the vibe that the INTPs that use this site hide vast amounts of themselves from family, friends, strangers, and maybe even yourselves. I definitely have before.

I'm just interested in seeing if you think I'm right with that observation and if so do you see at as a negative with yourself that you should work on changing, or just part of who you are that requires no fixing.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow...ed.com-copypaste&utm_source=direct-on.ted.com

I personally thought the video was pretty awesome and related a lot with the speaker.
Well, I got that out of my system. You can go on and let the thread die now.

I have nothing to hide from anyone. Granted, I don't tend to talk about my life except as it pertains to the current topic, but I don't purposefully hide anything. The way I see it, if I'd want to hide it I shouldn't do it. So I don't do anything I'd want to hide. And I have no reason to hide things I can't change.

 

[Anchorite]

^I'm sure that's true. But you don't really strike me the same way others on here do. As far as this forum goes you're pretty unique in the way you present yourself anyways.