Two INTPs. Is she really straight? Please help.

[PapyrusAirplanes]

I (female INTP) have become good friends with another female INTP. I really like her. As in, really-really-like-like. But she says that she's "utterly, awfully straight." However, with some of the things that have been going on, I don't know what to think. She is sending me signals that give me (false) hope and it's so frustrating.

We'd known each other before, but this year on summer choir tour we really hit it off. And we spent pretty much all summer together, both with our mutual friends and just with each other. But it was when school started again that I really started to notice some differences.

We started seeing each other (for extended periods of time) nearly every day; and the days we didn't see each other were "weird." She even said, "When I don't see you every day I get nervous."

We talk every night on Facebook and text throughout the day. When we were on vacations or weekend retreats we would call each other because texting took too long and there was so much to tell.

She also started to get more touchy-feely. Or very touchy-feely. Whenever we talk or watch a movie or do pretty much anything, she lays down on my lap or cuddles up. One time in particular I remember that I was teaching my friend's daughter to read music and she literally curled around me on the couch. And not that I mind; I quite like it. And she cuddles with her other friends as well, but it seems that it's more intense with me. In any case, it poses some questions:

Does she like-like me?
Is she really straight?
If she doesn't like me, how do I deal with my raging hormones without ruining our friendship?
If she does like me, how do I go about talking about it with her?

 

[Cognisant]

Does she like-like me?
I wouldn't use the 'L' word, but she certainly doesn’t dislike you.

Is she really straight?
Can't say.
Does she know you're not?

If she doesn't like me, how do I deal with my raging hormones without ruining our friendship?
I can't believe I'm saying this... I really shouldn't... Get drunk with her.
Enough so you can save face if everything goes wrong.

Don't do this if you actually like-like her.
Tends to be a short term deal.

If she does like me, how do I go about talking about it with her?
It's like jumping out of an airplane, there's no way of doing it, you just do it.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

Heh. I've done this before.

She was an ISFJ cowgirl, and built like a goddess. She's actually the one who made me realize I played for both teams and that I had inadvertently lead on a couple of other girls previously. (I was criminally oblivious back then.) We were 'tres amigos' with an INFJ girl through most of highschool.

She was a lot like your friend, professedly straight, but extremely verbally and physically affectionate. She even seemed to 'need' me in a lot of ways. I mean she was way taller than me, and would literally hide behind or cling to me when dealing with something that made her nervous (mainly people).

I almost approached her about it a number of times, but I knew she was straight and I'm positive she knew I liked her. I was content to remain as friends and try my luck elsewhere. Of course later she was knocked up and married by some guy who ritually cheated on her, but c'est la vie. I had cut ties with her by then, because she had lied to me about a number of things.

This whole process took place over a number of years, and frankly it never would have worked, even if she had reciprocated. However she was a precious friend, and that's enough. Although it does make me rather sore about the idiots who complain about the friendzone. a. They have no actual comprehension of the friendzone, and b. You have no business bitching about being denied a relationship with someone, when you can't even be a decent friend to them.


Does she like-like me?

She may not know, especially if she's fairly young. She may have reason to deny it; being bi or gay may go against her identity or maybe she has a religious nutjob family. If she's INTP, it seems the best course of action is to ask her directly and then give her time to arrive at an answer.

Is she really straight?

Again, she might not know. I generally let people assume whatever they like, and only correct them if asked or it's somehow relevant.
I do have a great time tormenting my (religious) family about it. I'll say something ambiguous, they'll exchange awkward, worried looks, it's great.

If she doesn't like me, how do I deal with my raging hormones without ruining our friendship?

Value her as a friend, and if you need distance tell her why, and pursue something else.

If she does like me, how do I go about talking about it with her?

Just talk/ask to her about it...?

If she doesn't like you, she'll still want to remain friends and it's up to you to let her. Don't force the relationship, like a jackass, and you'll be fine.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

With all the questions you ask here, you still have to confront and deal with her. If she's really straight, you could just talk to her directly about these matters.

 

[Roran]

How sure are you that she's an INTP?

 

[Trebuchet]

If she is really INTP, then she won't want to give you false signals. That would be inaccurate! INTPs can be cruel, but leading people on isn't what we do for fun. There are other types that do enjoy that, so Roran's question is pretty important here.

I see no reason not to tell her you find her attractive, and you need to know if her physical displays of affection should give you hope, or are just the way she expresses herself. Keep it brief and straightforward, and if she hesitates, tell her she can answer later if she wants. If she is INTP, she might need time to react.

I agree with Adaire. Talking about it won't end your friendship. (Speaking from some experience here.) It might make it awkward for a while, but you can get past that.

 

[Capital T]

The only way to know for sure is to find out. I do not suggest getting drunk with her as another member suggested, I suggest taking things slowly and seeing if a moment of passion overcomes the both of you. Don't get your hopes up, some women are just touchy and affectionate to platonic friends.

 

[jim6259]

"If she is really INTP, then she won't want to give you false signals. That would be inaccurate! INTPs can be cruel, but leading people on isn't what we do for fun."

She doesn't sound too much like an INTP and, although it may work if she had been, I ouldn't go getting her drunk just to see.

From a male perspecitve I would say 'closeness' doesn't have to mean anything more than that and I have had a a number of friends who felt they had that 'closeness' with a lady and were disappointed or simply strung round for an extended period while they were ‘close’ mates, often taking the p from an outsiders point of view (gifts/lifts/phone calls on nights out etc) as if it was a full relationship.



If you were a male friend of mine I would suggest that if a relationship is what you wanted you should man up and stick your tounge down her throat, see how you get on. The friendship willnever be the same after one party wants to take it further anyway (despite assurances).

 

[Dapper Dan]

Talk to her. Like, in a straight-forward, honest manner.

What else would you do as two INTPs?

 

[pjoa09]

Are you sure on that INTP bit? "Touchy-feely"?

 

[crippli]

Does she like-like me?
Only like. Seems like you're a safe spot. As in straight women will be competitive. Straight men will be intimidating. I wouldn't be surprised if a gay man could fill in the same role as you do.

Is she really straight?
It would appear so.

If she doesn't like me, how do I deal with my raging hormones without ruining our friendship?
Masturbation?

If she does like me, how do I go about talking about it with her?
Invent a game, where you end up kissing each other, if you want more.

Disclaimer. I have no idea if this is accurate. But I can't believe you have spent all that time together, and so close, without even kissing. She must know that you want her. And still torments you like this. If I where you, I'd just grab her and kiss her deeply in an inappropriate moment. You have earned the right imo along time ago. Yes, the relationship will change, but so what.

 

[Latro]

Assuming she knows you're not straight, she's probably figured out that you're interested in her sexually and/or romantically already just from body language, assuming she's not a stereotypical INTP who is oblivious about such things. Have you been watching her body language, beyond just the various touches? What would happen if you made sustained eye contact (more than about 3 seconds)?

If she doesn't know you're not straight...then you probably need to have that conversation in either case.

 

[Devious]

-sigh-
I feel like I can relate. I can't offer you any solid advice that will work, it's something you have to figure out yourself since you do know her best.

I would say don't get your hopes up, so you're not crushed later on. There's a possibility, definitely, but don't rely on that possibility too heavily.

Does she like-like me?
Well, that's hard. Only because she's touchy feely doesn't mean she likes likes you. Some females just enjoy it. She may or may not. She might even be confused. It's best to ask her about it.

Is she really straight?
I think it's best if you ask her or have a discussion about sexual orientation. Not only will it be interesting conversation, but it might reveal her thoughts and such. Also as others have asked, does she know you like females that way?


If she doesn't like me, how do I deal with my raging hormones without ruining our friendship?
Hmmm you'll just have to hang in there and get over it. I've experienced this before, and it's not fun. I didn't deal with it the best way either, but well I got over it. So you can too.
Enjoy her as a friend if you really like her as company. It might be awkward, but try to get past that and love her as a friend.

If she does like me, how do I go about talking about it with her?
I think the best way is to talk about it with her. I don't know how you can do it, but perhaps the direct approach is best. It depends what your relationship with her is like, you know her best. Although admittedly I usually never took the direct method when I liked somebody, and simply kept my feelings to myself. The result is some regret, but at the same time a sense of having dodged a bullet. It really depends on your relationship with her though. ^^