Trying to figure a few things out about myself.

[Qbert112]

This post will structually be a mess as it will mostly be written as things come to mind.

I signed up here mainly because the "INTP" description sounds exactly like me, and thought I could find some common ground that I am missing on other forums.

I am a 25 year old male. I live on my own and by reletive standards I am fairly successful. I own my own house and drive three cars. I have had varying success in several fields of work.

As far as my background goes, I have been diagnosed with severe depression, situational depression, manic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, situational anxiety disorder, antisocial personality disorder and paranoid personality disorder. God knows how they came to all those diagnoses. I have also been hospitalized several times. Few of which has resulted in me spending time in the "mental institution". I have tried therapy but I never end up sticking with it. I currently just take medication for depression, but it does not control any manic episodes. I used to take stuff for anxiety, but I very rarely take it, but when I do, I take way too much. Some times have resulted in me being told to leave work because of my condition.

As far as family history, I know very little. I was adopted and all I know that I was taken away from my biological mother because she was incapable of taking care of me. My adoptee parents are very introverted, unlike myself.

So, what are my problems? Many. I am very apathetic. I could care less what happens to people or to people that means alot to them. Of the very few friends I do have, if one of their close family members died, I would not change in the slightest. I guess the way to put it would be that it would become a burden for myself as I would now have to deal with this person being upset.

I never say I am sorry. If i do something to upset someone, I mean it and will not apologize for my actions. In reguards to said actions, I will usually have zero remose about what I have done.

If people upset me in any way, I will hold grudges against them and seek revenge when I see fit. A few occasions this has lasted years no matter how small the instigating issue was. I will do everything in my power to ruin their lives and like before, have no remorse about doing it.

I get angry at the drop of a hat. I can be fine one second, but if something is said which I do not approve of, I will immediatly boil over. My parents have described it to psychologist as "walking on egg shells."

I have zero trust for people. I always assume in one way or another, in a lack of a better term, they are trying to fuck me. I have gone through periods of time as a child that I thought my parents were trying to poison me. There have been other occasions when one day out of the blue, I have thought my best friend was trying to kill me. Even if I had seen him the previous day and he had invited me over the next, I was skeptical. I sleep with a gun under my pillow in my house.

I constantly fantasize about diffrent ways to hurt or kill people. Especially people I do not like. If someone upsets me, I usually have several methods of disposal I have thought up to the very last detail. I feel at some point in my life, this will probably happen. But nothing has really happened yet.

I procastinate alot. Everything is last minute which has gotten me in trouble with being on time for work before. I also lack alot of motivation. Something I blame on my depression. Some days I will not get out of bed, unless I have to go to work. Even then I have known myself to call out just because I do not feel like getting out of bed. I also must take Ambien to sleep. Without it It takes me hours to fall asleep and even then I will wake up every hour with some occasions, just not go back to sleep.

I have no issue with death or watching someone die. I can watch beheading videos while I eat dinner and it does not shock or suprise me at all. After watching a few, I have become bored with them. I have also had several people describe me as eccentric in my thoughts, speech and mannerisms. I have asked them to explain, but they usually say they can not describe it. I am British and living in America and do think I am better than everyone here. Not sure if it directly related to my nationality or if that is just how I am.

As a closer I ponder the fact I am so self aware of my own issues. I know I am a certain way and probably should not be, but at the same time I do not really want to change. But nontheless, I would like some insight on what people think of myself and any possible meaning behind it. Either way, if I do find some answers, great, if not, it certainly felt good to air this out and not keep everything to myself for a change.

 

[Dapper Dan]

Honestly, some parts sound very INTP and other parts don't. For starters, you sound a bit more naturally sure of yourself than most INTPs are, and you don't seem to have the childlike naivety, either.

I'm not really sure, though. I've heard that MBTI doesn't hold up well when you add personality disorders to the mix.

 

[See_Air_Ah]

You need to take the test... to figure out what you are. Here's a fairly short one, (i.e less acurate). http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

Also, realize that your personality type (in this regard) has nothing to do with your passions or lack there-of, it's more about your life style, and the things that empower you and things that do not.

Some of the things you have mentioned may fall under the general catagory that is INTP, but some of it probably has nothing to do with your personality, and more to do with your psychological condition, which of course will distort your personality if serious enough.

 

[DDeath]

To be honest, some of your behaviors sound like INTP, but almost all of them sound like that of a sociopath. I'm not saying this out of no were, but because I have read some articles and a book about it(doesn't really make me an expert on the issue).

I will try and describe a sociopath from what I've learned and add some details along the way to reinforce my conclusion. A sociopath, in loose terms, is simply someone without a conscience, meaning that the emotions they feel only concern them, emotions for someone else, like pity or compassion are inexistent. This makes them rather ruthless and apathetic, so the death of a relative isn't really an issue for them. It is believed that the cause of this is genetic and it is triggered in childhood, mainly because of the child being deprived from the affection of the parents at a very early age, < 2 i think. Also the injection of hormones responsible for affection has little to no effect on them.

Oh and don't believe the TV concept of sociopath, sociopaths can seem quite normal and are not always serial killers, in fact, it is believed that 4% of Americans are sociopaths, and allot of them occupy important cargo's in our society. Also, sociopath falls under the category of anti personality disorder, so that might be what one of your psychologists concluded.

I suggest you take an online test to see if you really are.

 

[Jelly Rev]

What are you here to find. Ur behaviors describe a lot of disorders. It almost doesnt seem realistic as the list of disorders you've brought forth plus you also nearly make a reference to borderline personality disorder with walking on eggshells and splitting.

Currently you are most likely taking SSRI's and not taking any mood stabilizers for the mania.

If you are looking to develop emotions I'd recommend some therapy whether cognitive or psychotherapy. The time around the adoption should be examined by a psychologist as some mismanagement in this time frame can create long lasting problems that you may be trying to solve right now.

This would not be a non-disordered INTP as There is too much sureness. There is also way too much I am x. INTP's are not that sure about attributes about themselves indicating a higher level of Si than most INTP's.

 

[Qbert112]

I am currently only on an SRA. I have been on many medications including Lithium, but have not seen much progress. I am not really looking to "discover" my emotions, but more along the lines of how all of this has come about. My childhood was not one of neglect besides my pre adoption life, of which I remember non of, but I still understand that can effect me in ways.

I understand the view point that I could be a sociopath, but for some reason was never labled as such. Instead they opted to give me multiple diagnoses. I have been told I am quite affable in person. But most of the time I feel I am just putting on a show. My inability to pontificate has hindered me quite alot. Both in relationships and dealing with personal problems, and has propagated many issues.

Maybe I am just fucked up and thats how it is?

 

[Awaken]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociopath

Any substance abuse problems?

Hallucinations?

Why are you on an SRA and not an SSRI?

Thyroid abnormalities?

No way one physician diagnosed you with all of that, or did they?

Why are you not taking your mood stabilizer?

Why do you take too many of your anti-anxiety meds? Are they benzos?

No sleep medication is indicated for long term use. In addition, decreased sleep is linked to a number of psychologic disorders. I would highly recommend finding nonpharmacologic means of improving sleep.

http://www.umm.edu/sleep/sleep_hyg.htm

Posted this in other threads but I imagine nobody really takes it seriously, however, it really does work.

https://www.centerpointe.com/

If you know how to use torrents, just dload it.

 

[GYX_Kid]

Was there a time when you "snapped" or began having thoughts and "behavioral difficulties," or was it pretty much for as long as you remember?

 

[Qbert112]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociopath

1. Any substance abuse problems?

2. Hallucinations?

3. Why are you on an SRA and not an SSRI?

4. Thyroid abnormalities?

5. No way one physician diagnosed you with all of that, or did they?

6. Why are you not taking your mood stabilizer?

7. Why do you take too many of your anti-anxiety meds? Are they benzos?

No sleep medication is indicated for long term use. In addition, decreased sleep is linked to a number of psychologic disorders. I would highly recommend finding nonpharmacologic means of improving sleep.

http://www.umm.edu/sleep/sleep_hyg.htm

Posted this in other threads but I imagine nobody really takes it seriously, however, it really does work.

https://www.centerpointe.com/

If you know how to use torrents, just dload it.

1. No substance abuse problems. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, ever.

2. I have had the odd thing or two, but nothing reoccuring or alarming.

3. I am on what I have been prescribed. I bounced around a few different medications but nothing really stuck. Mirtazapine is also the only one I have not had side effects from.

4. I have had several blood tests recently and the only thing that pops up is hightened liver enzymes. Which I know Mirtazapine is processed through, but no doctors have questioned it.

5. During one of my inpatient stays, that is what they listed. Was not thrilled about the place to begin with and even the out patient doctors at the same hospital question them. So who knows?

6. I do not have one prescribed to me currently.

7. Yes I take Lorazepam which is a Benzo. I just take alot of it because of how it makes me feel. There is no addiction based on the fact I can go months between taking it. I was prescribed .5mg but usually take between 4-5mg at a time. I have had a 60 pill prescription that has lasted me since 12-04-10 when I got it filled.

 

[Qbert112]

Was there a time when you "snapped" or began having thoughts and "behavioral difficulties," or was it pretty much for as long as you remember?

I would have to say it has been a slow progression from when I was about 13 or 14, but in the past two years I have gotten exponentially worse.

 

[pjoa09]

We're all like that.

 

[GYX_Kid]

If people upset me in any way, I will hold grudges against them and seek revenge when I see fit. A few occasions this has lasted years no matter how small the instigating issue was. I will do everything in my power to ruin their lives and like before, have no remorse about doing it.

I have zero trust for people. I always assume in one way or another, in a lack of a better term, they are trying to fuck me. I have gone through periods of time as a child that I thought my parents were trying to poison me. There have been other occasions when one day out of the blue, I have thought my best friend was trying to kill me. Even if I had seen him the previous day and he had invited me over the next, I was skeptical. I sleep with a gun under my pillow in my house.

I constantly fantasize about diffrent ways to hurt or kill people. Especially people I do not like. If someone upsets me, I usually have several methods of disposal I have thought up to the very last detail. I feel at some point in my life, this will probably happen. But nothing has really happened yet.

If you were an ENTJ you'd probably carry out real plans to try to ruin people sooner, and paranoia would come from those plans failing and the people trying to come fuck you.

You should find one of those (NPD/AsPD ENTJ) and make him go after you, then trap him or fuck his life up in some way. Or go after him after his attempt to destroy you failed (but with some damage to you) and you hate nobody more intensely.

 

[Qbert112]

I have no fear of anyone retaliating. If anyone tried to come back on me, I would come back on them harder.

I think this quote from Casino sums it up. "No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And if you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he'll keep comin' back and back until one of you is dead."

Once something happens and the person is on my "shit list", I can not let it go until I seeked retribution. I have tried on several occasions to let things go. But at the most it lasts a few days, then I am fixated on it again.

 

[GYX_Kid]

What if they escape to a different state and you can't find them

 

[Qbert112]

I have not run into that issue. But knowing me, it would most likely end up in explosive anger. Then I have no idea what would happen.

 

[Qbert112]

I ran into a situation that everyone, but myself, seems to be concerned about. I was recently driving to work in the early morning, when I happened upon a crash. A younger woman had crashed her SUV into a pole. She was unconcious and the car was on fire. I got out and watched but did nothing about it. It was not until other people came about the scene that she was helped and they pulled her out. But I had no desire to help this stranger and decided to not act. I guess she was ok after that. I would not know as I continued to drive to work after she was pulled out. I did not feel any urgency in this situation and did not notice any kind of "adrenaline rush." It felt more like I was watching a movie. I am not entirely sure what to make of this whole thing.