Total loneliness

[Basilisk]

I just noticed that it's been a long time since I talk with someone, and by talking I mean telling them all my stuff and shit.
But the weird thing is that I'm starting to get used to it and actually it doesn't make me sad, in fact, it makes me more comfortable.
¿What about you? ¿are you a total loner? ¿do you enjoy it?

 

[Cavallier]

I can relate.

Some days I really just want the total mental calm of not interacting with anyone. I don't have to take on any emotional baggage. There is no contracted social stress. It's just me in my own head.

I have one day a week where I allow myself to not be social at all. It's wonderful. By the end of the day I feel like I've ironed out the wrinkles in my psyche.

I would love to be able to do that everyday. People might call it loneliness but to me it's quite lovely.

 

[Cognisant]

Actually I think he's talking about becoming accustomed to lonliness which is entirely different to having one day a week alone.

My advice is reach out to people in every way you can, learn people's names and use them, make a point of greeting everyone you meet and wishing them farewell when you part, ask people lots of questions about themselves, make small-talk about the news, the weather, anything really it dosen't matter, you won't see the results of this immediately but they'll come sure enough.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being resistant to lonliness, in fact being comfortable by yourself is a form of confidence that many people lack and it won't disappear as you become more social, however being a loner can be a terrible trap because the more comfortable with being lonely you are the more of a loner you'll become and the more lonely you'll become, and so on and so forth, until you find yourself at the bottem of a deep dark pit and it's a long hard climb back out.

Scary too, but the thing is everyone experiences that fear, it's the force that drives people to succumb to peer pressure and obsess over what other people think of them, once you've been down that pit and climbed back out you'll find that in that regard you're actually more confident than other people and people are drawn to confidence of many kinds.

 

[Observed&Analysed]

I can in a way relate too, but I wouldn't call it loneliness.
I am social and have a nice group of friends, but I never tell them my secrets, true thoughts and dreams... Usually because they don't understand and just say, "Wow.. Deep stuff". So I have never really actually talked to someone, anyone, in that way; but then again I think I have trust issues, and being an introvert doesn't help I think, as my world is my own.
I too have become accustomed to it, and it gives me a sense of security, knowing that no one knows my inner self and can't use it against me if we perhaps have a falling out, or an argument that was intense and heated at that time, but was forgiven not long after. I do enjoy it, but sometimes I just have the urge to tell one of my friends everything, and let people know I'm much more insightful than they think I am.
I think for me, not telling anyone is a bit like :
[Want to tell someone everything] [Feel comfortable and secure with the knowledge I am the only keeper of my secrets]

 

[Cavallier]

Actually I think he's talking about becoming accustomed to lonliness which is entirely different to having one day a week alone.

Yeah. Sure.

I have been left alone by everyone who I counted as a friend for months on end before. I was fine. I did not recognize any feelings of loneliness in myself.
I enjoyed memories of interactions with my friends/family but I didn't feel sad that they were not around.

However, when I did have a chance to have a meaningful interaction with someone I was suprised to find that I felt relieved. Yet, at no point did I feel anything that people would consider the definition of loneliness.

 

[Cognisant]

Lol, months eh?

Wow.

 

[Jennywocky]

I wrestle with contradictory feelings of loneliness. I think it's because of lack of options coupled with the fun SX/sp pull/push.

I pretty much have no one I can spend time with IRL, and I'm coming out of a 22-year marriage, where we were together 15 and then for the first 5 years of the separation I had a number of people to do things with. Since then, I've moved too far to visit, and I'm pretty much always alone, whether I stay at home or go hiking or whatever else.

The thing is, when I do get a scheduled event on the calendar, I don't really want to go... I just feel like staying alone at home or doing my thing rather than conforming to a committed time block. Some of it's group activity vs. personal level interaction as well.

Anyway, maybe I'm saying I'm comfortable with being alone, VERY comfortable... but I'm also horrendously lonely sometimes -- kind of like I'm the only human being that exists since the ones I see I don't connect with and anyone I connect with is virtual.

 

[doncarlzone]

It depends where you are in your life. Years ago I was devastated when I had no New Year's Eve party to go to and now I try to avoid them at all costs. I'm perhaps too confident with my disconnection at this point and I'm open to the possibility that I may regret later not having saved a few friendships. Right now I just can't be asked.

This is why I like living abroad and in big cities. The perfect place to be a stranger with no social expectations whatsoever. As soon as I get recognized in a shop or a bar then ideally I would like to move, though usually I just avoid that place. Next month I will be doing just that, travelling for a month in the US from city to city. And the question I get all the time is of course: "Alone???"

 

[loveofreason]

Lol, months eh?

Wow.

Condescending bastard.

 

[Pyropyro]

Loneliness is like sweet food for me. I need to indulge in it from time to time but I shouldn't eat them exclusively. Sometimes life can be rough and I need alone time to recharge.

I do like companionship but I can usually get a socializing fix through Facebook or SMS chats. If I get out of my way to be with you in person then I REALLY REALLY like you.

 

[StevenM]

Isolation can take it's toll on the mind, especially when it's not properly balanced out with the amount of socialization you may specifically need. When years start going by, the world seems to shrink to the size of your house. In my opinion, it could play a part in going insane.

I also have only a few people to talk to which is better than nothing, but I have known the feeling of complete isolation for a couple of years.

To combat this, I make it a point everyday to go into a coffee shop or internet lounge, just to be around people. Once in a while, I might get into small conversations with people. I find that little bit each day is more than enough that I need, just to make me more aware of the outer world. It may sound strange, but it also helps me keep in contact with myself.

 

[Black Rose]

My situation was very isolated from birth till now. I use to think God hated me but now I see that I am under Gods protection. I believe God knows everything about me which is that my privacy is not being violated because I accept that anything that can happen to me personally by others who would harm me with that information but never destroy my relationship to Gods full acceptance of me. I am full open but need discernment not to cause harm myself with that openness. I am soon going to be able to talk to a therapist that isn't trying to fix me but understand me. The internet has created a transparent society where no deed is forgotten but transcend all barriers for the healing of humanity.

 

[Polaris]

Yeah. There is talking.....and there is talking.


You can talk to/with people every day, but still never feel like you are connecting. So in that way, one becomes a lonely being surrounded by people. It's almost better to isolate. It makes one feel less lonely.

- "I'm alone without people reminding me how lonely I am, so I'm happy."

I know I am the master of my own fate (pragmatically speaking, let's not get into that rabbit warren of determinism/free will), so to blame my isolation on the rest of the world would be contradictory and silly. But we are born without an instruction manual on how to live life. That makes the whole living-business a tad more confusing.

So I could say I've been quite lonely by societal standards for most of my life, although I have only felt really lonely when people pointed out that I should be less lonely. Or being surrounded by people who seem to have every hour of their day booked up with social commitments.

In one way I wished to be part of that, but then I tried it and found it exhausting -- and filled with the sort of politics that go with larger groups of friends. It repels me; there's always some sort of hierarchy, competition and pretense plus all the talking about friends who are not there. I don't find these sort of groups very sustainable from my own sanity's point of view in the long run.

Up to recently (last three-four years) I never really bothered to make efforts in connecting as I did not understand or appreciate these social dynamics. I would come across the occasional individual where I would be quite surprised and thrown off balance by the fact that there seemed to be an unspoken understanding to be read between the lines. But as soon as that happens I'm scared off. Heh....I'm probably afraid of intimacy. Because I know as soon as one reveals deeper aspects of the self, one is instantly vulnerable. So I have developed a tough shell that repels people off quite effectively. In the way that they won't even dare to ask those questions. Revealing emotion is like a form of humiliation; it's a sadistic exercise for me. I don't wish to go there.

Thus, being alone is better...for the most part.

I think.

But it's a double-edged sword; I find myself without communication for longer periods of time and I'm suddenly this angry, depressed, resentful and existential being sitting in the dark tunnel which is too long for me to even bother with finding out which end is nearest. Or that is my excuse.

The problem is I haven't even noticed that years went by and I had gradually adjusted to this state of being. I get on fb for the first time in months and see happy, smiling photos; people on holidays; people with groups of people; people with one hundred and umpteen birthday congratulations. -"There must be something wrong with me", rings the mantra from the past; the confirmation of my mother, my friends that I am not normal; I should be...something else.

So yes, It's ugly, slimy and cold in here, but the world outside is uglier than ever and there's no fucking way I'm going back to that hell hole. I prefer the damp safety of the dark.

Did anyone say tunnel-vision?

So on a whim I make an effort and meet up with a friend or two. It's nice, but I find myself a bit like that guy who's been wandering the wilderness for weeks on end; you come back to be with other people and are suddenly reminded that you are someone in their eyes that you are not aware of. You are reluctant to open your mouth in case they should respond in a way that did not reflect what you were trying to express. You are wary of explaining because it is impossible to explain. So you end up just playing this nice little safe game of conversation. And suddenly you are less aware of the discomfort because the discomfort becomes unnoticeable after a while. You become accustomed to playing the roles. And there are so many roles; one role for each person.

You go back to your lonely existence and contemplate the conversations. You feel relieved because you interacted with people, like you should have -- but you also feel a greater sense of relief because you can stop being...something.

You can just be.

Is there someone else who will allow you to just be?

I've tried 'just being' around people with more or less success. Usually with less success. But an interesting experiment nonetheless.

Through my experiments I have actually managed to locate some unique people who seem to get it. They are hard to come by. One must try though. Because it's worth it when you do find them. They keep my tunnel-vision in check.

 

[Minuend]

I also play roles. I've always felt a strong pressure to be a certain way in social context. It's not ok to sit with a book when you are with other people. Which people will occasionally remind me of when I do.

I grow continiously more weary by social settings. They drain me terribly. I can't remember feeling lonely, though. I do remember observing people at high school and wanting such sociall dynamics/ friendships, but I came to be mostly alone and never really desired that which I had observed any more. I realized it was not to the answer to my contentness.

I did have much fun with friends and family through age 18-23. But I find I enjoy it decreasingly less. It seems I have lost some ability to enjoy various things. Nowdays I mostly avoid socializing. Even work becomes unbearable because there are people I need to acknowledge and talk to.

Writing on a phone sucks

 

[Deleted member 1424]

This is primarily why I keep/tolerate at least one insensitive and demanding extrovert in my life. Occasionally I need to be drug in from shadows, and it takes a pretty strong and oblivious personality to do that for me.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Loneliness is the safe place, whenever I can be lonely and resourceful I prefer that safety.

I find the world to be a shared experience, one that is more enjoyable with a small integrated group of people, there are more perspectives, more reactions and information, something I cannot generate myself during seclusion.

I have been left alone for many months, specifically leading to my depressive periods and these were my least productive and effective periods of my life. I need some social interaction and company, however I can remain healthy for weeks without.

It's that when I choose to be lonely I can use it, or when I choose to share my experience I enjoy it. When I am forced into either of these scenarios it can be devastating and results in a gradual shut down.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I just noticed that it's been a long time since I talk with someone, and by talking I mean telling them all my stuff and shit.
But the weird thing is that I'm starting to get used to it and actually it doesn't make me sad, in fact, it makes me more comfortable.
¿What about you? ¿are you a total loner? ¿do you enjoy it?

But do you feel that you are connecting with people? I guess it's easy to talk to strangers, especially since their judgments hold little weight, but you can imagine that talking about oneself doesn't really lead to meaningful social relationships...

Lol, months eh?

Wow.

You merely adopted the loneliness...

 

[subwayrider]

I'm ambivalent about it, but I've learned I need people a lot more than the INTs do. The reclusive variant of INFJ is this very liminal type in ways. We're not like ENFJs or the NFPs, who tend to be more aware of what is "cool" and who duly thirst after acceptance, belonging, status. They're very able to shoot the shit and just have a good time with people, connecting on a variety of levels all for the pleasure of said connection. They seem not to overthink or otherwise to downplay the uglier and more banal facets of group dynamics, which have already been brought up here. I have often envied them for this ability to blindly conform.

INFJs overlap with the profile of the classic Aspie (which I associate with INT) in that we prefer not to waste words, are often intensely absorbed with intellectual pursuits, and that we generally harbor a wariness of and distaste for groups, namely for the deplorable phenomenon of herd mentality. But we still have that pesky Fe need for connection to people, which undermines our considerably powerful proclivity to isolation, independence, and knowledge-seeking. It's a case of being neither fully here nor there, of having one foot in and one foot out. We can't bring ourselves to willingly be absorbed by the social entities we need some connection to, but neither can we dissever these bonds altogether and live out our hermitic, truth-seeking propensities. We're very easily depressed when not in touch with people.

So, I find myself conforming to external systems of values in order to be connected, when all the time the voice inside tells me I should be rejecting these things, that they're arbitrary, contrived, and imposed on me. I suppose we all compromise this inner voice in order to fulfill that human need for relationship, the difference between people being merely one of the degree of compromise.

It's difficult, that it is...especially when the people you are romantically attracted to are unfailingly those who live their lives on the other side of this bourn. I guess the silver lining to this kind of suffering is a preternatural awareness, a vision not opaqued by the human lies those on the other side perpetually swim in. If one can keep up the purity of this vision, not allow significant traces of the normative paradigms to seep into the vessel of the mind, then yes it's easier to live contentedly on one's own terms. But the pressure is just so crushing and so ever-present, and the life of truth is intrinsically such a lonely, arduous one.

"Living is easy with eyes closed"​

 

[TheManBeyond]

I remember being really pumped when going with my friends to parties but not for the fact of being with them or socializing but basically becuz of the thrill that something interesting could happen that night, i wouldn't say talking to people energyzes me but i do like girls, i like their eyes and smiles, what does exite me is to feel the vibe in the air and wonder how far i'm from that planet called uranus.
With a gf you can't really have both, sadly.
Whatsoever i definitely prefer to stay away from loneliness for a while.

 

[PhoenixRising]

Up to recently (last three-four years) I never really bothered to make efforts in connecting as I did not understand or appreciate these social dynamics. I would come across the occasional individual where I would be quite surprised and thrown off balance by the fact that there seemed to be an unspoken understanding to be read between the lines. But as soon as that happens I'm scared off. Heh....I'm probably afraid of intimacy. Because I know as soon as one reveals deeper aspects of the self, one is instantly vulnerable. So I have developed a tough shell that repels people off quite effectively. In the way that they won't even dare to ask those questions. Revealing emotion is like a form of humiliation; it's a sadistic exercise for me. I don't wish to go there...


So on a whim I make an effort and meet up with a friend or two. It's nice, but I find myself a bit like that guy who's been wandering the wilderness for weeks on end; you come back to be with other people and are suddenly reminded that you are someone in their eyes that you are not aware of. You are reluctant to open your mouth in case they should respond in a way that did not reflect what you were trying to express. You are wary of explaining because it is impossible to explain. So you end up just playing this nice little safe game of conversation. And suddenly you are less aware of the discomfort because the discomfort becomes unnoticeable after a while. You become accustomed to playing the roles. And there are so many roles; one role for each person.

You go back to your lonely existence and contemplate the conversations. You feel relieved because you interacted with people, like you should have -- but you also feel a greater sense of relief because you can stop being...something.

You can just be.

Is there someone else who will allow you to just be?

I've tried 'just being' around people with more or less success. Usually with less success. But an interesting experiment nonetheless.

Through my experiments I have actually managed to locate some unique people who seem to get it. They are hard to come by. One must try though. Because it's worth it when you do find them. They keep my tunnel-vision in check.

I can relate with so much of what you say here. The human world is a threatening place, isn't it? Resonance is a scarce and precious thing, but it is tied up with all the potential misunderstanding and hurt that comes with each human being. We are such ironic creatures, seeking for meaningful connection, and yet so terrified of the inevitable side-effects that we often draw out the worst with our defensiveness.

It's interesting that you mention feeling like the revealing of emotion is humiliating. I felt the same way for most of my life. Expressing one's true inner content is like an invitation for misunderstanding and shame in most circumstances. If you aren't strong enough to accept rejection at that deep level (not many are, I think) then it is only wise to remain guarded and silent.

I don't know if there are any two humans that can just be in each other's presence and have that fully work automatically. There are varying degrees of this phenomenon though, as you noted. It's good that you've found some others on your wavelength.. it's people like that that I refer to as "Cosmic family" ^^

 

[ddspada]

I have had an interesting experience with loneliness. The school system in which I enrolled during all of middle and high school (six school years, right now I'm waiting to start college in a couple of weeks) starts classes in the first week of August and ends in April (usually in the first week, sometimes in the second). The whole school year is tightly packed. Each individual school subject has to be taught at a steady pace, perhaps strenuous when compared to other school systems. Teachers may allow students to completely skip the final exam if they did well throughout the school year.

When not on vacations, I do feel quite pressured to be more commandeering, direct and active than I would naturally like to be. School days are absolutely EXHAUSTING to me for that reason alone, but giving in has served me well. I have been elected class president several times, teachers in general take me somewhat more seriously than they take many of my classmates, and so on. If I don't put on that "mask", teachers won't pay too much attention to me -- and the system I was in allows teachers to extremely strongly favor students whom they like -- it's very unstandardized, but it comes out being more interesting. (I'm usually on good terms with all my teachers, but maybe if I got the short end of the stick I would say it's boring and useless, who knows.)

When I get home, I'm beaten to a pulp. I have no desire to speak to my family. I feel drained, tired. I go in my room, work out, take care of any homework that needs being taken care of, read, and go to bed. It is not on many days that I have the energy to sustain significant conversations in the afternoon after school is over. I usually don't pay much attention to Facebook, though I have it open in the background in case anything shows up. I am quite OK with my afternoons being like that. I know I'm alone, but I don't mind; school is more than enough non-aloneness for me.

My mother (who is more or less the only person I'm with outside of school when in non-solitude) does understand that I'm tired, but she doesn't understand why. She's very active, outgoing and effervescent, being around people gets her going. She often hints that I should go out more/ try to find a girlfriend/ invite some friends to come over/ try going to a party. When and if I do try, things tend to not go well. People tend to like me, but I don't particularly like most people. >__>
(I remember reading an article that said INTPs have the highest divorce rate of all types, or something along those lines. People like us, but we don't like them as much.)

I had some golden luck in my last year: I found an ISTJ-ish friend who was willing to listen to me (listening to what I really wanted to say) and I was willing to listen to him. He's very calm, relaxed, geeky and curious. We'd sit together in class and discuss physics, metaphysics, economics, ways to improve our school, whatever was on our minds. He's quite smart (school-smart, if that makes any sense) so neither of us had problems at all.

My average grades across all classes hover around a 90-92, so most teachers do often allow me to forgo final exams. I am then left with the better part of four months' worth of summer vacations, which I spend reading twelve to fourteen hours a day. It feels odd after the first couple of weeks, but I very much enjoy the change of pace: books, my computer, tea, tobacco, and I. I'll talk with my family plenty more as well, if they have the energy to do so, even if they get home late from work. After the four months are over, I still don't feel very compelled to be around others, but I realize school is more fruitful for me if I bite the bullet.

I like to be alone. It's tiring to not be alone, save very few people. I deliberately use my "extroversion battery" in school because I consider it more efficient to do so.

EDIT: English is not my first language. Some of these things I just wrote did sound funny in my head; sorry for any inaccuracies.

 

[Ink]

When you're lonely join intpforum. Or meditate. Maybe try out socra maats pheromone perfumes even lol

 

[BrainVessel]

I have good friends I could vent to, but they're a bit naive(while simultaneously being the only people I've felt reasonably comfortable with) but yeah, I don't. I'm really all I need in that sense. I guess I do enjoy being a loner, I pretty much have all the control over emotions because of it. I can introduce something new or cut something out whenever I deem acceptable. That control is nice, it keeps me peaceful, but sometimes I have a lapse of something I don't know how to deal with or simply don't want to deal with it and want someone to confide in. Unless I ever find someone I'm completely comfortable with, though, that's not going to happen.

 

[not_overjoyed]

I understand this loneliness to a certain extent. I'm going into my last year of college and in the years since high school I haven't head any really close friends. In high school it was easier as I spent most of the day with the same group of smart kids that I had known since 3rd grade, so I never really felt the need for anything more. Still, I realize now that I rarely spent any time out of school with them, never even went to school dances or sports events or anything like that. I started to draw away my senior year, unintentionally but aware that I wouldn't likely see my friends after graduation.

I still haven't seen them since, nor have I made any new friends that have lasted more than a year. I tried to engage more socially my first year in college, but I now know that I really am pretty happy on my own. I do tend to have some very short term interest-based or situational friendships though, just hanging out sporadically for a few days to a few months. I'm restless though; they don't last. I do sometimes wish that someone would try to draw me out more, but knowing that I'm not going to be settling in one place for a while makes me think that my tendency to form temporary friendships and accquaintenceships may be most practical for now.

Regarding what was mentioned upthread about attempts to alleviate loneliness by hanging out in public places, I have actually found this to be helpful. I currently don't have wifi at my apartment, so to get internet access I need to get myself out there in the heat to a coffehouse or something. The limited amount of social interaction I get just by being there helps to make me less awkward when I actually need to interact. I also think it helps me better maintain my sense of self. Its like I need to see myself in context, that is, in some environment that's not my own head. Being an introvert doesn't mean I can exist outside of a social context entirely, just that I need far less exposure. That said, I'm looking foreward to the start of the semester and the intellectual stimulation I can expect.